This was my first trip. I have a very negative and demotivating feeling about the whole experience. I don't feel like doing anything at all. Still, I don't think it was a bad trip. I wasn't resisting anything; I completely surrendered to all the unpleasant things that came up. My set and setting were great – I was motivated, full of anticipation, and in a good place in life. I was at a cottage with my girlfriend, wearing eyeshades and listening to these playlists by Mendel Kaelen, which had been recommended to me online:
I took 100 mcg of 1cP-LSD.
The first two to three hours were absolutely amazing and incredibly positive. All kinds of different emotions were coming and going. For example, I gave happiness and love to Hitler, and I embraced my younger self. I felt an enormous amount of gratitude. Some things were so beautiful that they were impossible to describe in words. The fireplace and the burning wood next to me smelled really nice. Apparently, I was smiling constantly. I became the music that was playing in my headphones. I saw a few moments from my childhood that may have had an influence on me. Unfortunately, I forgot most of them because the rest of the experience completely overshadowed them.
Gradually, the music became more gloomy, so I started feeling gloomy as well. I kept going over the experience in my head, recalling what I had experienced so far and wondering whether this was it yet. I started feeling disappointed. I was disappointed with the trip, and I was disappointed with life in general. "Is this what life is all about??" I remembered how I had always felt disappointed on my birthdays because they never turned out the way I had imagined. I remembered times when I had disappointed other people myself. I felt as though even this entire stay at the cottage with my girlfriend had disappointed me. I felt like she had let me down. I don't understand where that feeling came from, because it certainly wasn't true – I had actually been having a great time there with her. But that's how I felt in that moment. Afterwards, I started blaming myself for all these feelings. I realized that I was constantly dissatisfied and always wanted something more. For example, even if I slept with the most beautiful girls on the planet, I would still be dissatisfied. I felt angry. Several times, for example, I felt like snapping at my girlfriend and telling her to stop disturbing me – I could hear her doing things between the songs. It was really strange, because earlier I had felt an enormous amount of love and gratitude towards her. This could very well have been some kind of unconscious pattern of mine: perhaps I tend to react extremely irritably when someone interrupts me while I'm doing something.
The physical side of the trip was not pleasant at all. It felt like my palms weren't getting enough blood. My hands were curled up and cramped, and I couldn't move them. I felt like a little boy whom the people who had invented this substance, the people who had created the playlist, and even the people I'm writing this to now were all trying to hurt.
There was nothing frightening about it – I didn't have any major visual hallucinations either. I was just gradually losing my ego. I was at peace with the idea that I didn't exist, but when you actually reach a state where you no longer exist, it isn't pleasant. There were still thoughts and feelings, but they no longer had an owner, so I kept wondering who they actually belonged to. I kept falling into thought loops, and some of them seemed to last a really long time.
An example of one of these thought loops:
"Ah, a thought. But why is there a thought when nothing has any meaning? Whose thought is this? And these questions I'm asking are thoughts too, so why are they here? And why is this particular question-thought here? Where did it come from?"
And so on... I started examining every thought with another thought, which itself needed an explanation.
There were an insane number of thoughts, and it felt as though their number was growing exponentially. Somehow, though, I always managed to get out of the loop.
I kept asking myself why I was even alive if I didn't actually exist. I gradually felt my consciousness leaving my body. I didn't experience any feeling that we all share a collective consciousness (nor did I feel any connection to nature or animals). Instead, it just kept telling me that I didn't exist and that nothing had any meaning. I was at peace with this, knowing that resisting it wouldn't help. My past, present and future started blending together. Reality and imagination started blending together too. I didn't know whether I should consider my thoughts and feelings my own when I didn't actually exist. It was complete chaos.
The music became slower and more depressing. The slower it got, the less I breathed. I stopped being able to feel my limbs. I felt as though the blood was draining from my entire face and my lips were turning blue. "You've all been lying to me!" I thought.
"You're trying to kill me!" I wanted it to end, but I still lay there calmly and completely surrendered, allowing the emotions to come, even though they were extremely negative. It terrified me how incredibly much music could influence a person. I was convinced that the person who had created the music had decided to kill me. I was breathing very shallowly. The slower the music played, the less I breathed.
"If the music stops playing, I'll stop breathing altogether."
For about an hour straight, I was convinced that I had officially gone insane. That this WAS schizophrenia.
"When this is over (if it ever ends), I'll go and get treatment."
Then there was a shift in the music that told me: "And yet there is life, even if you don't exist." Unfortunately, it didn't tell me why there is life. At that point, I started breathing more again, and the blood seemed to start returning to my limbs. The next two songs, however, were rather uneventful, and I kept thinking about all the extremely negative things I had just experienced. I was starting to get fed up with the state induced by the substance and the music, and I wasn't enjoying it anymore. My ears started hurting, and it felt like the substance was wearing off. I stayed there for another few dozen minutes, but when the music still didn't tell me anything new and continued to feel rather uneventful, I took my headphones off.
I felt as though all the life had drained out of me. I didn't know what to do next. I felt like a wreck, like an empty shell with no life left in it. I couldn't feel any emotions at all. Or perhaps I was afraid to feel them, because it's not pleasant when you can't trust your own emotions and feelings, when they keep changing and, on top of that, you don't even know whether they are yours in the first place.
I feel like I know even less about the world and life now than I did before. During most of the trip, my facial expression probably just said: "WHAT...??????"
The next day, I was afraid to even think about the experience. I had episodes where I would fall back into thought loops, which manifested as staring at the wall for several minutes at a time. I also experienced intense depersonalization and derealization, which, fortunately, have continued only to a lesser extent.
Today is the third day after the trip. I no longer feel quite as extremely negative, but I definitely don't feel any motivation... I really don't know what to make of this experience...
I took 100 mcg of 1cP-LSD.
The first two to three hours were absolutely amazing and incredibly positive. All kinds of different emotions were coming and going. For example, I gave happiness and love to Hitler, and I embraced my younger self. I felt an enormous amount of gratitude. Some things were so beautiful that they were impossible to describe in words. The fireplace and the burning wood next to me smelled really nice. Apparently, I was smiling constantly. I became the music that was playing in my headphones. I saw a few moments from my childhood that may have had an influence on me. Unfortunately, I forgot most of them because the rest of the experience completely overshadowed them.
Gradually, the music became more gloomy, so I started feeling gloomy as well. I kept going over the experience in my head, recalling what I had experienced so far and wondering whether this was it yet. I started feeling disappointed. I was disappointed with the trip, and I was disappointed with life in general. "Is this what life is all about??" I remembered how I had always felt disappointed on my birthdays because they never turned out the way I had imagined. I remembered times when I had disappointed other people myself. I felt as though even this entire stay at the cottage with my girlfriend had disappointed me. I felt like she had let me down. I don't understand where that feeling came from, because it certainly wasn't true – I had actually been having a great time there with her. But that's how I felt in that moment. Afterwards, I started blaming myself for all these feelings. I realized that I was constantly dissatisfied and always wanted something more. For example, even if I slept with the most beautiful girls on the planet, I would still be dissatisfied. I felt angry. Several times, for example, I felt like snapping at my girlfriend and telling her to stop disturbing me – I could hear her doing things between the songs. It was really strange, because earlier I had felt an enormous amount of love and gratitude towards her. This could very well have been some kind of unconscious pattern of mine: perhaps I tend to react extremely irritably when someone interrupts me while I'm doing something.
The physical side of the trip was not pleasant at all. It felt like my palms weren't getting enough blood. My hands were curled up and cramped, and I couldn't move them. I felt like a little boy whom the people who had invented this substance, the people who had created the playlist, and even the people I'm writing this to now were all trying to hurt.
There was nothing frightening about it – I didn't have any major visual hallucinations either. I was just gradually losing my ego. I was at peace with the idea that I didn't exist, but when you actually reach a state where you no longer exist, it isn't pleasant. There were still thoughts and feelings, but they no longer had an owner, so I kept wondering who they actually belonged to. I kept falling into thought loops, and some of them seemed to last a really long time.
An example of one of these thought loops:
"Ah, a thought. But why is there a thought when nothing has any meaning? Whose thought is this? And these questions I'm asking are thoughts too, so why are they here? And why is this particular question-thought here? Where did it come from?"
And so on... I started examining every thought with another thought, which itself needed an explanation.
There were an insane number of thoughts, and it felt as though their number was growing exponentially. Somehow, though, I always managed to get out of the loop.
I kept asking myself why I was even alive if I didn't actually exist. I gradually felt my consciousness leaving my body. I didn't experience any feeling that we all share a collective consciousness (nor did I feel any connection to nature or animals). Instead, it just kept telling me that I didn't exist and that nothing had any meaning. I was at peace with this, knowing that resisting it wouldn't help. My past, present and future started blending together. Reality and imagination started blending together too. I didn't know whether I should consider my thoughts and feelings my own when I didn't actually exist. It was complete chaos.
The music became slower and more depressing. The slower it got, the less I breathed. I stopped being able to feel my limbs. I felt as though the blood was draining from my entire face and my lips were turning blue. "You've all been lying to me!" I thought.
"You're trying to kill me!" I wanted it to end, but I still lay there calmly and completely surrendered, allowing the emotions to come, even though they were extremely negative. It terrified me how incredibly much music could influence a person. I was convinced that the person who had created the music had decided to kill me. I was breathing very shallowly. The slower the music played, the less I breathed.
"If the music stops playing, I'll stop breathing altogether."
For about an hour straight, I was convinced that I had officially gone insane. That this WAS schizophrenia.
"When this is over (if it ever ends), I'll go and get treatment."
Then there was a shift in the music that told me: "And yet there is life, even if you don't exist." Unfortunately, it didn't tell me why there is life. At that point, I started breathing more again, and the blood seemed to start returning to my limbs. The next two songs, however, were rather uneventful, and I kept thinking about all the extremely negative things I had just experienced. I was starting to get fed up with the state induced by the substance and the music, and I wasn't enjoying it anymore. My ears started hurting, and it felt like the substance was wearing off. I stayed there for another few dozen minutes, but when the music still didn't tell me anything new and continued to feel rather uneventful, I took my headphones off.
I felt as though all the life had drained out of me. I didn't know what to do next. I felt like a wreck, like an empty shell with no life left in it. I couldn't feel any emotions at all. Or perhaps I was afraid to feel them, because it's not pleasant when you can't trust your own emotions and feelings, when they keep changing and, on top of that, you don't even know whether they are yours in the first place.
I feel like I know even less about the world and life now than I did before. During most of the trip, my facial expression probably just said: "WHAT...??????"
The next day, I was afraid to even think about the experience. I had episodes where I would fall back into thought loops, which manifested as staring at the wall for several minutes at a time. I also experienced intense depersonalization and derealization, which, fortunately, have continued only to a lesser extent.
Today is the third day after the trip. I no longer feel quite as extremely negative, but I definitely don't feel any motivation... I really don't know what to make of this experience...
