a day in the life of a junkie

[ronnyk]

It's extremely hard to even put into words the pain that opiate addiction causes, but I'll try.

I started taking hydros and oc's (and whatever other dope I could get my hands on) about four years ago when I was about seventeen.

It started out taking a few and going to school because it made my day so much more tolerable. Since I had some money then I started taking them almost every day and I knew a few people who always had them. Since I was always on them I didn't notice how addicted I was until one day I had none after taking them for a couple months straight, every day.

I had in-school detention that day and I had terrible chills and sweats (my first run-in with hell), not thinking that I was addicted yet. I ended up escaping when I realized what would cure my ailment, and once I got them and felt that relief I realized, "What the fuck have I done to myself?"

Over the next couple years after that I had run out of money (but at least I had graduated) and was in no condition to hold a job for more than a few weeks at a time because if I felt like shit I would either just not go in or I would bail out after an hour or two.

Eventually I started stealing money from my mother (over $5k in total probably) not even caring what I was doing to her. Stealing shit and pawning it for money to get more to cure the hell that is withdrawal. I sold both my guitars and everything else I owned that was of some value, monetary and sentimentally.

Recently I have tried IV heroin. I've used it before but only insufflating it. I got a couple bags and sent them because I wanted to see what all the hubbub was about. Even though i have only done it about four or five times the past couple weeks I almost wish I hadn't because now, even though I don't feel as shitty w/out opiates as I used to, I find myself always thinking about that first rush again and wanting to re-attain it.

I'm not going to say not to try it because if someone really wants to they will regardless of what anyone says, but my only advice to them is to be careful and to try to use it in some sort of moderation. I know this is easier said than done, but an addiction like opiates will destroy your life after awhile and it's better to realize that sooner than later when it's too late. If it doesn't get you in a few months or a year, it will be right round the corner.

Every user falls eventually, and it took me to hit bottom hard until I looked myself in the mirror and thought, "Fuck you for doing this to yourself, and your family especially." Even though I've been forgiven by my mom, she still never looks at me the same, and probably never will.

Sadly, after all the destruction to my life they have done I still use them on a regular basis. But I'm glad that I'm not in the same place I used to be. I'm getting better a little bit at a time but the worst part of it all is that I just feel like I will never completely stop.

 

[Call Me"PRIEST"]

it's so true that no one sets out to be an addict. i never thought i would become a junkie....but i did. i think that some ppl have that trigger inside them that once they try opiates it's just a matter of time until you become an addict. it's like you don't have a choice in the matter.
over the course of my life i have done many drugs......LSD, coke, freebase, XTC, speed, pills - uppers, downers, special-K and everything in between. i am wel educated and i was well aware of the dangers of opiates. i told myself that it would never happen to me. i thought i would be different. i had a good job, owned my own home, had a beautiful wife, had lots of toys and things i thought were important to me. i had hobbies and interests.

but those things started to slowly take a back seat to my addiction. you can't see it happening to you when you are falling deeper. but suddenly heroins importance in your life starts to grow. things you once cared so deeply for took a back seat to heroin. i sold my toys, my CD collection that i spent years collecting, i spent our savings, i took out debt on credit. my job also lost it's importance and soon i lost my job. then it was hard to keep a job for more than a few months. we couldn't pay our bills and we were forced to declare bankruptcy. my wife didn't deserve any of this. she had no idea of my habit until it was too late. and even then i continued to use. stealing her jewlry to pawn, stealing computers from work to pawn. i did whatever i had to do to get money for the only thing that mattered in my life......heroin.

i didn't chose to have this disease. i didn't want to lose all self respect, i didn't want to cut my wife's trust. but that's what happened when i chose to use.

basically everyones story is the same. the person that posted his story is the same. the details might be different but the story is the same....we all just wanted to see what all the fuss was about. we told ourselves that we could handle it and it wouldn't get out of hand. we made comprimises for our drug of choice, even though we didn't have a choice. and after a while it's not even about getting high.......it's about staying well and not getting dope sick.

 

[Kenaz]

it's so true that no one sets out to be an addict. i never thought i would become a junkie....but i did. i think that some ppl have that trigger inside them that once they try opiates it's just a matter of time until you become an addict. it's like you don't have a choice in the matter.
over the course of my life i have done many drugs......LSD, coke, freebase, XTC, speed, pills - uppers, downers, special-K and everything in between. i am wel educated and i was well aware of the dangers of opiates. i told myself that it would never happen to me. i thought i would be different. i had a good job, owned my own home, had a beautiful wife, had lots of toys and things i thought were important to me. i had hobbies and interests.

but those things started to slowly take a back seat to my addiction. you can't see it happening to you when you are falling deeper. but suddenly heroins importance in your life starts to grow. things you once cared so deeply for took a back seat to heroin. i sold my toys, my CD collection that i spent years collecting, i spent our savings, i took out debt on credit. my job also lost it's importance and soon i lost my job. then it was hard to keep a job for more than a few months. we couldn't pay our bills and we were forced to declare bankruptcy. my wife didn't deserve any of this. she had no idea of my habit until it was too late. and even then i continued to use. stealing her jewlry to pawn, stealing computers from work to pawn. i did whatever i had to do to get money for the only thing that mattered in my life......heroin.

i didn't chose to have this disease. i didn't want to lose all self respect, i didn't want to cut my wife's trust. but that's what happened when i chose to use.

basically everyones story is the same. the person that posted his story is the same. the details might be different but the story is the same....we all just wanted to see what all the fuss was about. we told ourselves that we could handle it and it wouldn't get out of hand. we made comprimises for our drug of choice, even though we didn't have a choice. and after a while it's not even about getting high.......it's about staying well and not getting dope sick.

I understand how difficult this is going to be, but IMO you need to sit down with her wife and let her know you have begun using H again. Then you need to figure out what you are going to do to stop using H. We both know that you need to do this. We also both know that your idea to stop after New Year's Eve is about as realistic as most New Year's resolutions.

You may need to go back on methadone if the subs aren't taking care of your cravings: you may need to up your suboxone dosage. But you are going to have to do something, and sooner rather than later. If you think your wife is going to feel angry and betrayed when you level with her, just imagine how she's going to feel when she has to come pick you up at the police station ... or identify you at the morgue.

I'm not trying to jump down your throat or add to your already heavy load of guilt, remorse and self-loathing. But I don't see any point in blowing sunshine up your ass either. You have a choice, albeit a difficult one: stop now and face the music, or let things continue until the decision gets made for you one way or the other.

 

[Chi-Blast]

Sickness, craving, shame, guilt.

Rinse and repeat.

 

[Violenza666]

it's so true that no one sets out to be an addict. i never thought i would become a junkie....but i did. i think that some ppl have that trigger inside them that once they try opiates it's just a matter of time until you become an addict. it's like you don't have a choice in the matter.
over the course of my life i have done many drugs......LSD, coke, freebase, XTC, speed, pills - uppers, downers, special-K and everything in between. i am wel educated and i was well aware of the dangers of opiates. i told myself that it would never happen to me. i thought i would be different. i had a good job, owned my own home, had a beautiful wife, had lots of toys and things i thought were important to me. i had hobbies and interests.

but those things started to slowly take a back seat to my addiction. you can't see it happening to you when you are falling deeper. but suddenly heroins importance in your life starts to grow. things you once cared so deeply for took a back seat to heroin. i sold my toys, my CD collection that i spent years collecting, i spent our savings, i took out debt on credit. my job also lost it's importance and soon i lost my job. then it was hard to keep a job for more than a few months. we couldn't pay our bills and we were forced to declare bankruptcy. my wife didn't deserve any of this. she had no idea of my habit until it was too late. and even then i continued to use. stealing her jewlry to pawn, stealing computers from work to pawn. i did whatever i had to do to get money for the only thing that mattered in my life......heroin.

i didn't chose to have this disease. i didn't want to lose all self respect, i didn't want to cut my wife's trust. but that's what happened when i chose to use.

basically everyones story is the same. the person that posted his story is the same. the details might be different but the story is the same....we all just wanted to see what all the fuss was about. we told ourselves that we could handle it and it wouldn't get out of hand. we made comprimises for our drug of choice, even though we didn't have a choice. and after a while it's not even about getting high.......it's about staying well and not getting dope sick.

I wish you the best of luck! Your story hit a soft spot to me as the way you worded it basically describes the life of one of my best friends.. who wants nothing to do with me right now because I don't condone her fucking her kids life up for her addiction. I am doing the tough love thing...

 

[K'd-OUT-in-AZ]

My life was basically:
1. Wake up in the morning and shoot up the balloon I saved from the night before.
2. Go to partner in crimes house
3. Call dealer
4. Wait around the entire day while fiending and shaking.
5. Finally pick up junk
6. Go back home with friend and shoot balloons of tar the rest of day.
7. Lay around
8. Save a monster hit before going to sleep

And repeat

The landmarks of my day.

 

[ladylove]

never have done drugs.... but really want to try

I am reaching my forties, kids are off to college and I am going to vegas. The only drug I have done is MJ (if you would even call it a drug) I am so very curious to try cocaine, X, and almost what ever comes my way. I have been the perfect mother as long as I could. I am ready to party like a rock star.
Sex, drugs, gambling, drinking... I want it all. But like I said being a mother for so long I would not even know where to start my mission other than going to Las Vegas.

 

[Call Me"PRIEST"]

I understand how difficult this is going to be, but IMO you need to sit down with her wife and let her know you have begun using H again. Then you need to figure out what you are going to do to stop using H. We both know that you need to do this. We also both know that your idea to stop after New Year's Eve is about as realistic as most New Year's resolutions.

You may need to go back on methadone if the subs aren't taking care of your cravings: you may need to up your suboxone dosage. But you are going to have to do something, and sooner rather than later. If you think your wife is going to feel angry and betrayed when you level with her, just imagine how she's going to feel when she has to come pick you up at the police station ... or identify you at the morgue.

I'm not trying to jump down your throat or add to your already heavy load of guilt, remorse and self-loathing. But I don't see any point in blowing sunshine up your ass either. You have a choice, albeit a difficult one: stop now and face the music, or let things continue until the decision gets made for you one way or the other.

you are so right that it hurts to read these words. my wife has been very understanding to this point. after i was clean for over a year and had a recent relapse she was more mad i lied than i relapsed.
last night i smoked some weed and that really made me disgusted at what i'm doing. i plan on doubling my subx meds and telling my therapist that i still use. it's so fucked up that i know i need to stop but litterally i can't.

 

[stuckinaloop]

Sounds just like a day in the life if a junky to me.

failing time after time setting goals for your self to quit, trying to get that shot off but your veins are fucked and you got blood dripping everywhere. only to do it again the next day/time/month/year. dissappointing family, not tomention embarrasment/misunderstanding

making sure you always have a fucknig belt on no matter what. constantly risking arrest

setting aside your bills, life, emotions, priorities. heroin will bring you to your fucking knees.

being so sick your throwing up out your window on the way to cop, only to miss your shot cause your so shakey. putting your self in the dumbest places where people been beaten to a bloody pulp for a measly 20 bill. accident after accident until you loose your license, and find your self institutionalized in some sort of way, only to go back again.

all after living a normal happy childhood up to highschool/college.

goals, aspirations, emotions, out the fucking window

recreational use? a fucking joke. the only people that will preach that are people who either are new users who thinik they have their shit in check or people who are living a lie/were able to use other drugs recreationaly.

once that needle is in your arm and you feel that rush, you will be going back for more.

 

[stuckinaloop]

Wall of text...Write a 3 line summary, I got ADD I can't read

what he wrote cant be written in 3 lines, ever read a fucking book?

 

[DavisK4high247]

is there such thing as recreational Heroin usage? Fuck, i need to quit doing drugs period, and i'm only 14. Whys life such a downer?

I dunno there was not for me,it was too good! You are 14 and think life is a downer at 14,damn when you are my age (33) you will look back at 14 as good,easy times compared to being 30 or so..I do and at 14 I was on drugs and thought life was shitty,but I learned that no matter how bad it seems to me or you ,that someone has it 10 times worse off..I realized that about age 20 or so that life is what you make it and it sucks sometimes,but no one said it would be easy and shit, and you gotta make the best of it man...sounds like simple advice and it is simple,life is what you make it ,and that can be good or a living hell,I been through both,mostly hell more than good times until recently ,but I am still not where I imagined and hoped I would be at 33 when I was a kid,but when you are a kid of like 9 or 10,you think you can do all this stuff and live the amercian dream...well fuck the american dream it died in the 60's I think,so live your life to the fullest and regret nothing in the past ,just learn from it,because you cannot change the past...anyway ....

 

[Kenaz]

you are so right that it hurts to read these words. my wife has been very understanding to this point. after i was clean for over a year and had a recent relapse she was more mad i lied than i relapsed.
last night i smoked some weed and that really made me disgusted at what i'm doing. i plan on doubling my subx meds and telling my therapist that i still use. it's so fucked up that i know i need to stop but litterally i can't.

You want to stop? All you need to do is stay away from the H until you're sick and then get back on the Subs, at whatever dose you need. If you start doing that right now, your latest relapse will end right now. It really is that simple.

I'm a recovering alcoholic who lost my 20s and the best part of my teens to booze. I know what it's like to have the drug talking to you. It tells you there's plenty of time to quit. It tells you to get clean tomorrow, or next week, or the next time you see your therapist. It tells you this time is going to be different, this time things won't get out of control. And I know what it's like to follow that voice even though you know it's lying. You can't negotiate with your drug or set limits with it. All you can do is stay away and find something else to meet your needs.

 

[Call Me"PRIEST"]

You want to stop? All you need to do is stay away from the H until you're sick and then get back on the Subs, at whatever dose you need. If you start doing that right now, your latest relapse will end right now. It really is that simple.

I'm a recovering alcoholic who lost my 20s and the best part of my teens to booze. I know what it's like to have the drug talking to you. It tells you there's plenty of time to quit. It tells you to get clean tomorrow, or next week, or the next time you see your therapist. It tells you this time is going to be different, this time things won't get out of control. And I know what it's like to follow that voice even though you know it's lying. You can't negotiate with your drug or set limits with it. All you can do is stay away and find something else to meet your needs.

thanks for the advice, unfortunatly it's not that easy for me. i had 1 year clean, was using suboxone to help but i relapsed. now i'm caught in this cycle of using and suboxone. i really want to stop using heroin altogether but i still go off suboxone and binge for a day or two. heroin has made my life so miserable, yet it feels so good when i push that plunger down.
for anyone considering trying heroin just don't do it. every person i know that thought they would just try it, are now either dead of an OD or junkies. now one gets out without being scarred for life.

 

[K'd-OUT-in-AZ]

Yeah, its hard to use heroin via a needle and not do it again. "Just one more time..." means you've become hooked. If your lucky, "it just makes me sick". It depends if your first experience was great or not.

 

[Call Me"PRIEST"]

Yeah, its hard to use heroin via a needle and not do it again. "Just one more time..." means you've become hooked. If your lucky, "it just makes me sick". It depends if your first experience was great or not.

those words couldn't be more true. i can't count how many times i declared that it was my last shot, or i got a nice payday and said i'll go out with a big bang, then never use again.

i've even saved ampty bags claiming it would be my last one.

i'd like to say that i'm like sam kinison and i have 90 days clean.......not in a row but.....

 

[foxyloxy55]

Priest - I am not an addict and have never used heroin before. I can't even begin to imagine what you are going through. I just wanted to say that I liked your story. It's well written, and it's reading these sorts of experiences that keep me away from this shit. My heart goes out to you man. I know it means nothing coming from me, but you can do it. You were clean for a year, and that's something you should be very proud of! I think it's important for not to throw in the towel just because you relapsed once. Easier said than done, but beating yourself up over it will just make things worse, and the truth it seems to me like you have made a lot of progress with your addiction. Don't give up! Talk to your wife and be honest with her. I'm sure it pains her to see what you are going through. I seriously wish you and everyone else going through the same thing the best.

 

[Call Me"PRIEST"]

Priest - I am not an addict and have never used heroin before. I can't even begin to imagine what you are going through. I just wanted to say that I liked your story. It's well written, and it's reading these sorts of experiences that keep me away from this shit. My heart goes out to you man. I know it means nothing coming from me, but you can do it. You were clean for a year, and that's something you should be very proud of! I think it's important for not to throw in the towel just because you relapsed once. Easier said than done, but beating yourself up over it will just make things worse, and the truth it seems to me like you have made a lot of progress with your addiction. Don't give up! Talk to your wife and be honest with her. I'm sure it pains her to see what you are going through. I seriously wish you and everyone else going through the same thing the best.

thanks so much....this is exactly the type of responces that i thrive on. i'm not looking for sympathy but for understanding. i have had it bad but not as bad as others. i still have a wife, and a house, and my health. i was a hard-core addict though doing some really horrible stuff for my addiction. but words from ppl like yourself give me the confidence to keep trying to get clean. i'm also happy to share my stories with other ppl so they understand what life is like being a junkie. i hope ppl see this and just decide not to get involved with dope. because if you have an affinity for opiates you will eventually succumb to the darkside. no matter how strong your freewill is, opiates will crush you. i'm lucky to come out of the worst of it. i know i'll never go down the dark road i've been down. i know i need help and i'm getting it. i know i'm at the end of my using career, it's just this last little hump i need to get over.

tonight was one of those nights where i just hated myself. my wife and i got into an argument because she knew i was high. we were at the cell phone store and i was making a deal for new cell phones but when we got out she let me know how embarrassed she was that i could barely keep my eyes open. she said she misses the old me the held my head high and was clean as a bell. it kind of hurt to know i let her down. she means everything in the world to me....much more than heroin.

so thank you for the encouragement. it's something i need to hear. i'm glad you liked my story because i enjoy writing. i have books filled with stories like this. i go back to read them sometimes to remember what pain i have caused. not only are they self serving but they are a cautionary tale to other curious ppl that might want to try heroin. as sure as the sun comes up in the morning any heroin user will go through a similar story, the names and places will be changed to protect the innocent

 

[foxyloxy55]

I think it's sad that our society and government mostly turn their noses at drug addiction. It seems people are just scared and/or disgusted by it and because of that they pretend it doesn't exist or they look down on it. My friends/family think it's morbid that I read addiction experiences, but I like to because it's a reality, and an important one. I know addiction is complicated and it would never be as simple as this, but I can't help but wonder how much better off people with addictions would be if people better understood them and offered support instead of shunning. When I read stories about parents who love their children despite their addiction, it pulls on my heart strings cause I know my parents would walk away. People who haven't dabbled in drugs just don't understand the hold it can have on you. My only bad drug experience was from MDMA abuse, and while I would never compare it to a hard drug addiction, I certainly know what it is like to have shame, guilt, embarrassment, and feel like there is no one to really talk to about it.

It's a cruel world and a damn shame.... I hope you will keep us updated on your progress and how you are doing. Again never give up YOU CAN DO IT!

 

[Call Me"PRIEST"]

i did it again.....this morning i took some money i got over the weekend and bought so heron and there i was shooting up in the car in some hood. it's as if there is someone else driving me to do these things. i know i can stop because i did it for a year. i was on deaths door, i started methadone and went a whole year without using.

the most important thing is you really have to want to stop. right now i want to just get high once in a while because it's really not causing any problems. i keep telling myself that i will stop dec. 31st. i guess if i firmly set a date in my head i can be ready for it.

my wife and i are considering on moving from the east coast to the west coast. i really can't wait because then i know i'll be free from drugs because they wont be so readily available. right now all i have to do is drive 30 mins to the city and make 1 phone call and i have whatever i want.

right now i'm just glad i'm not using a bundle a day like i was before. that is a tough life to live. you always have to be hustling for that money everyday. right now i tell myself i'm doing good because i only use once or twice a week. i'm in therapy and taking suboxone. so at least i'm addressing it and not letting my addiction run unchecked.

 

[Poppydog]

Hey priest just read the whole thread and I agree yours is a compelling story. My heart goes out to you and your wife.

I also agree with kenaz in that it is clear you need to change something in order to stop using. Setting some date is unlikely to work given what u have said.

Sorry to hear you relapsed again but don't beat urself up, as someone else said you are heading in the right direction. Given that you are on subs i would think physcological addiction rather than physical dependance is the issue so being overally critical of yourself will not help, but neither will rationalizing your use to give yourself another 6 weeks on it..