a day in the life of a junkie

[Call Me"PRIEST"]

i figured i would make a post about what my day is like being that i got myself addicted to heroin and i am trying, again, to get clean. my intentions are that hopefully someone that is thinking about using heroin might read this and see what becoming an addict is really like and they might think otherwise before trying it.

as i posted before, i've been a heroin addict for over 6 years. most recently i was clean for over a year and a few weeks ago i relapsed. currently i am trying to get and stay clean. i go to see a therapist and drug counselor and i also take suboxone to help curb my cravings.

well with that out of the way let me tell you what a day in the life is all about. yesterday i knew i was going to get paid some money someone owed me. being a junkie i usually give all my money to my wife and let her give it to me as needed or else i would spend it all on H. with this in mind i only took my morning dose of suboxone yesterday hoping that i would be able to use today. i woke up very early today with the anticipation of using. i was feeling a little sick since it was about 24 hours since my last dose of subs. usually if i don't take sub for 18-24 hours i start getting dope sick. but sometimes when you are an addict one of the best feelings is using when you are sick and getting relief, if only for a brief moment. i really want to stop using but the power of my addiction is stronger than my desire to be clean. i tell myself that since i don't use everyday that i'm getting better. my addiction will always come up with excuses to use, and no matter how much i know it is wrong in everyway i continue to use. it's like i have no choice.

so it's monday morning, i pick up my money and head over the bridge to the city where i score. i have 2 phone numbers that i use to buy. usually if i can't get someone on 1 line i can get the other line. right now the first number has the best dope and they operate 24/7. so i get into the city and call the first number. i'm sweating and feel generally icky because dope sickness is setting in. i get the dreaded voicemail on line 1. wich is unusual since the are always on. i wait 10 mins and call back, and again VM. so i breakdown and call the second number....same thing VM. now i start getting nervous, which adds to my uncomfotability. i don't know how long it's going to be before i can reach either number. it's the worst feeling in the world to be dope sick and not know when you are going to be able to score. i call every 15 mins for an hour and a half. finally almost 2 hours goes by and i get a call back from the 2nd line. we setup a place to meet in 15 mins and i get there. it's not the dope i want but at this point i need something before my stomach just gives out.
so i'm wating at the spot and 30 mins goes by....i call him and he says he is pulling up right now and hangs up. 20 mins later he finally arrives. it's been well over 2 hours since i got to the city but it feels like 2 days. he gets in and i make a purchase...he even throws a bag in for free.

i speed off to the nearest parking lot, i dump 3 bags into the spoon and put the water in. the dope i get is like powder so i don't heat it. how many people heat powder type of H before they injec? i think too many. anyway, i draw the brown liquid into the needle, pull up my sleeve, hit a vein on the first try and it registers. i plunge the needle down and within seconds i feel a warm rush. instantly all the symptoms i was suffering minutes before dissolve away. then i start feeling the rush taking over a bit and i get nervous that i did too much. i start to fall out and look around to see if anyone was around to help. luckily i only fell oput for a few moments, but i sat there for a few minutes really out of it and not knowing exactly where i was or what i was doing. then i went through the drive-thru of the place i was at.

even though i got exactly what i wanted the ride home was terrible. i feel so incredibly guilty for what i did. i really could have used the money for something else. i felt guilty that i lied to my wife about where i was. and i felt guilty for myself for what i did. it's at that moment that i felt all my failures.
here i was, smart enough to know that what i was doing was wrong on every level. yet as wrong as it was i still did it. i really want to stop using but i can't.

has anyone else ever gone through this? if so how did you really stop? i want to know why i can't stop using. have i really damaged myself so much that i will never be able to stop. is it going to take an overdose or a jail sentence to get me to quit? i'm thankful that there is medication like suboxone that helps me curb my cravings but it doesn't seem to stop them completely. currently i take 2mgs in the morning and 2mgs in the evening. would it help me to increase my suboxone dosage to 8mgs a day?

i guess the moral of the story is, if you are curious about using heroin or other opiates and you don't have a habit i suggest getting another hobby. i never thought this ould happen to me, but opiates are much bigger than i could ever imagine......they really take you over and you have no say.

 

[ronnyk]

you got it right on the money friend

 

[supertuesday]

I am currently going through the same exact thing. going to the city, getting VM after VM and the anxiety building and building, waiting in the parking lot and feel like you're gonna die, feeling like those few hours took a week.....then the guilt...... I'm not so great at writing down how I feel but you got it right on man. I wish I could offer advice but I think I am in the same boat, and I need help too.

All I could say right now is you should talk to your prescriber about increasing your sub dose. I got started off on 24 mgs/day! It does do a good job of taking that edge off, but the addict in me is NEVER satisfied until I get that f*cking dope.... Another pro of being on a dose that large is if I want to get high I have to go through almost a week of no bupe to feel anything from the heroin. Its a good deterrent.

Keep going to meetings, keep talking about it, keep accepting help from others. I wish you the very best of luck my friend

 

[Foul Play]

It took a near fatal overdose for me to really question if having a habit was worth it.

I had a similar situation. Decided it was time to quit, got on Suboxone, but still had intense urges to use. This went on for another year or two. Going out and copping once or twice a week.

Well one night I got a hefty paycheck that I wasn't expecting, so I decided a celebration was in order. A good friend and I went out for the typical routine of scoring, got it and headed home. We decided it was too far of a drive to wait to fix so we pulled off at the nearest fast food restaurant, went in the bathroom, and occupied the only two stalls. My friend finished first, and went out and waited in my truck. After ten or fifteen minutes I hadn't come out he went to check on me. He found me wedged between the toilet and the wall, the rig still in my arm, face blue, and not breathing.

Thank god he called 911, and the paramedics arrived within minutes. A little cpr and a shot of naloxone and I was up and running again. Very disoriented as to what was happening, and very upset I wasn't nodding anymore. I let the paramedics have it (I eventually wrote a letter to the paramedic and apologized and thanked them about a year later).

A few days after all this happened I saw the friend that was with me that night, he hugged me and said "I didn't think you were going to survive that night". It really put everything into perspective and made me realize how dangerous shooting H can be, and how quick your life can end.

 

[Call Me"PRIEST"]

thanks to those that replied......i'm thinking of increasing my suboxone dosage. i was prescribed 8mg a day, but i rationalized that i didn't want to become so dependant on suboxone so i only take enough to not get sick. which at the time is 2-3mgs a day. but i realized that the reason i take so little is so that i can use if i have enough ttime to plan. i'll skip my afternoon dose so that i can use the next day. and even though i don't get that dope high i can still feel a rush for a few moments. sort of like sex, the rush lasts about as long as an orgasm....but costs way more. i really am trying to quit by going to a dr and a counselor, giving most of my money to my wife and taking other measures so i'm not back out on the streets using everyday like i did in the past.

about 14 months ago i started on methadone. i stopped using in sept. 09. 6 months later i thought i was "cured" as i had no desire to use again. i detoxed off methadone with suboxone, then detoxed off the suboxone. i thought it was a miracle, i was opiate free and not using. then it happened, i have no idea how i relapsed....one second i was home watching TV, then i remember going through my phone....there was a dope number i didn't delete. it was over a year since i called it. i told myself i was just going to call and hang up to see if it was still working. i called the number and they answered with "what's upXXX/" xxx being my name. they stored my number i used to call so much. next thing i knew i was driving to the city just to try it again to see what all the fuss was about. i hadn't used in over a year so what could happen?
the first shot was like winning a million dollars. i thought wow this is pretty good, but i'm not doing that again. next thing i knew a month goes by of everyday use, then i was broke, and laying sick in bed. by this time my wife didn't even have to ask whats wrong. she just looked at me and asked "how could you?". that was the hardest part....breaking my wifes trust.....again. she was understanding and that's how i got back on the suboxone.

now here it is and she thinks i'm clean, but i use when i get the chance. i keep telling myself that this is the last time, the last bag, the last shot. it's as if someone else is living inside me and making me do these things. i know that i'm on the fence about to fall off......one side is being a junkie again, the other is a bright, blue beautiful new day, clean and sober. i just need that push to the other side, and maybe here is where i can find it.

funny that someone mentioned an overdose, well nbot funny but i kind of went backwards. 16 years ago was the first time i tried heroin. the 4th or 5th time i tried it i overdosed hard. i used the night before while drinking in college. i didn't wake up the next morning. later in the afternioon my roomates called 911. the paramedics came and gave me the shot of nalaxone. i have the same story as nikki sixx. i remember waking up and seeing my body from above, all the people standing around the ambulance as they loaded me in. i was on life support for 3 days. i fully recovered and the drs told me i was doa. they restarted my heart and lungs. i got out of the hospital and didn't touch drugs or drink for nearly 6 years. then with one drink it slowly started the slide. within 5 years i was using heroin again, and that's where i picked up my first real habit that continues to hold me down to this day.
for the people out there thinking about trying this drug, just don't. it will happen to you adn i don't care who you are. it will crush the strongest of men, or women. just look at the famous people that it has claimed.......remeber what neil young sang "I've seen the needle and the damage done, a little part of it in everyone....gone, gone, the damage done"

 

[Ksa]

<censored by user (profile compromised)>

 

[Cane2theLeft]

^posters don't have to cater to you... especially if you don't even ask them to do so nicely.

I would advice breaking your wall o' text into smaller paragraphs with line spaces between them because it makes it a lot easier To read, its not necessary, but more people will read it if you do a quick edit.

 

[Call Me"PRIEST"]

thanks for the criticism and better yet, good advice. i understand about seeing a wall of words and just glazing over...reminds me of school. i appreciate the feedback so i can better present my thoughts.

but a lot of times my writing just flows off the top of my fingers and if i stop to structure my writing then i lose all train of thought. also if i go back and re-read it i might not post it.

but it should have more structure to it so it is easier for ppl to read, especially if i take the time to write it and want ppl to read it.

 

[mymindisgoo]

i liked your story op. i never injected or was doing h, but it's basically all the same. i remember i'd cross the bridge, or go uptown and call and wait and the nights it didn't go through i'd feel so lost and hopeless. instead of lying to my wife i'd be lying to myself, or to my mother. man/

 

[axe battler]

Maybe try tapering your subs down until you get on a low enough dose to feel euphoria.

I've smoked heroin a couple of times and of course I can't compare that to what your going through, but I find the nice little buzz from snorting about 1mg of sub really rather nice, even compared to heroin.

This might be of no use to you whatsoever, but it could be a viable substitute. Maybe then you could use heroin a lot less frequently.

I wonder if there are many people on here that have been using subutex long term in these low doses and still feel euphoria every day?

I also wonder if there are many people who can use subs to maintain, admit they have a habit, and use stronger opiates from time to time, all the while happy with their situation? I mean, surely it's better than being a depressed junkie who forces themselves through the horrible cycle of sickness, scoring, doing depraved acts for money, etc etc.

 

[Call Me"PRIEST"]

Maybe try tapering your subs down until you get on a low enough dose to feel euphoria.

I've smoked heroin a couple of times and of course I can't compare that to what your going through, but I find the nice little buzz from snorting about 1mg of sub really rather nice, even compared to heroin.

This might be of no use to you whatsoever, but it could be a viable substitute. Maybe then you could use heroin a lot less frequently.

I wonder if there are many people on here that have been using subutex long term in these low doses and still feel euphoria every day?

I also wonder if there are many people who can use subs to maintain, admit they have a habit, and use stronger opiates from time to time, all the while happy with their situation? I mean, surely it's better than being a depressed junkie who forces themselves through the horrible cycle of sickness, scoring, doing depraved acts for money, etc etc.

basically i am using a low dose so that i am not sick if i don't use, but i can still skip a dose or two, then use and get high, whatever that is now.

but i want to stop using altogether. what i don't understand about myself is that after i detoxed from methadone and was using the suboxone regularly i still felt good. in fact i felt great. there were little side effects but i still had that "empty feeling" filled in.
as soon as i tried to stop suboxone i just felt so empty. to me all my interests went out the window. i felt empty inside and was afraid i damaged my brain from years of opiate abuse. i thought that my brain would never be able to reproduce the chemicals to live a healthy happy life. i have a very good life too. i'm well off. i have an incredible wife, we enjoy many activities and life is good.....when i have opiates. if not i feel like killing myself.

 

[regfairfield]

That was a good story..puts a human touch on the subject..i myself would never do h...i have panic disorder so my main fear is death and i wont touch so called "hard" or "street" drugs...knowing is half the battle though

 

[Kenaz]

basically i am using a low dose so that i am not sick if i don't use, but i can still skip a dose or two, then use and get high, whatever that is now.

but i want to stop using altogether. what i don't understand about myself is that after i detoxed from methadone and was using the suboxone regularly i still felt good. in fact i felt great. there were little side effects but i still had that "empty feeling" filled in.
as soon as i tried to stop suboxone i just felt so empty. to me all my interests went out the window. i felt empty inside and was afraid i damaged my brain from years of opiate abuse. i thought that my brain would never be able to reproduce the chemicals to live a healthy happy life. i have a very good life too. i'm well off. i have an incredible wife, we enjoy many activities and life is good.....when i have opiates. if not i feel like killing myself.

I wonder if you might not do better treating your Suboxone or methadone dose like many people treat their antidepressants. There's a long history of opiates being used to treat chronic melancholia and depression. If your brain and body aren't producing enough endogenous opioids, you may need to supplement them. It sounds like bupe did that for you, although it didn't take care of your cravings to get high.

Instead of trying to get "clean" you may want to treat Suboxone like medication and continue taking it regularly. Find a dosage which keeps the Numb Grayness away and allows you to resist the desire to use other more destructive opiates. And ask your therapist about methods of coping with cravings. Your life as someone living with a properly medicated illness will be much better than your life as someone living with an uncontrolled addiction.

 

[halperdude]

is there such thing as recreational Heroin usage? Fuck, i need to quit doing drugs period, and i'm only 14. Whys life such a downer?

 

[SkagKush]

real good story...and boy can i relate......nothing is worse than heading down to the block, sick, and tryna score fore AWHILE....

i always had a system to save some for morning so i could go down town in comfort, but that doesnt always work when your a junkie.......

 

[pr0d1gy]

I can relate completely to how you were clean and just got back into it. It didn't take any conscious thought and I went from 2 years clean back to heroin. I wish you luck man

 

[Jabberwocky]

i moved this thread over to BDD as it's more of a general discussion thread

 

[Call Me"PRIEST"]

I wonder if you might not do better treating your Suboxone or methadone dose like many people treat their antidepressants. There's a long history of opiates being used to treat chronic melancholia and depression. If your brain and body aren't producing enough endogenous opioids, you may need to supplement them. It sounds like bupe did that for you, although it didn't take care of your cravings to get high.

Instead of trying to get "clean" you may want to treat Suboxone like medication and continue taking it regularly. Find a dosage which keeps the Numb Grayness away and allows you to resist the desire to use other more destructive opiates. And ask your therapist about methods of coping with cravings. Your life as someone living with a properly medicated illness will be much better than your life as someone living with an uncontrolled addiction.

i agree. i think that i need something to help my mental outlook. i am going to be discussing with the psychiatrist about taking anti-depressant. suboxone has an off label use for depression. i know that when i am not taking anything is when i am most vulnerable to using heroin, not to get high but to feel "normal".

i just have to stop this every now and then heroin usage. like today i just sold some of my subs so that i could buy a bundle. i already used 6 bags and it's not even 1 pm. i go on these binges knowing that when i stop i have the suboxone to fall back on. i've told myself that while continuing treatment i will stop using heroin at the end of this year 2010. my new years resolution is not to use dope. i should just stop now, but i can't and i don't know why.

 

[chemist63]

I have never touched the stuff but I have been itching to try it. I have never been heavily addicted to anything but I like to test the waters. After reading this stuff, I think twice about it.

 

[mymindisgoo]

as yu should ^ i don't think most addicts go in with the intention of getting addicted to any drug, but once it happens it's pretty hard to stop. and it fer sure doesn't happen in a 30 day rehab program..