A Darkened Mind

[wastedwalrus]

“A Darkened Mind”

Of what damnation do you speak?
Which hell is it that you fear so?
What forces make your voice grow weak?
How far do these fears fathomed go?

Why so dark inside your head?
Where goes the light’s shining glare?
Must you dwell on all things said?
Drop this cross you claim to bear.

 

[wesmdow]

i really like it jason!

i still think it needs polishing stanza 2 line3 i dont like the word "claim," its too common.

other than that dude good job. i can see NiN influence in your work.

 

[colicolo]

this is something special. these careful words are the reality check i often feel like giving and occasionaly need to recieve. well done man.

 

[wastedwalrus]

i really like it jason!

i still think it needs polishing stanza 2 line3 i dont like the word "claim," its too common.

other than that dude good job. i can see NiN influence in your work.

I need that alliterative "c" sound though. I think it's pretty important to end the poem with a harsh tone. I understand what you mean though. Thanks Pierre, thanks colicolo.

 

[(Wordy)]

This sounds fantastic when read aloud - stirring stuff!

 

[New]

I ask those questions to myself a lot. But not with the awesome rhyming. It touched me near.

 

[wastedwalrus]

Thanks everyone