danosaurous22
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Jun 10, 2025
- Messages
- 133
Preaching to the choir here but time and time again a relapse feels to me a need to consciously leave the real world for something "realer". It's in some ways "faker", but it's a world that has real stakes and much higher highs and lower lows than every day life. It's dangerous and has to be hidden and therefore it is one of the best places to hide from your problems and every day people.
Getting sober just feels like becoming a eunuch. You reject something that tempts and fascinates you to fit into a more moral and responsible role in society, but if you are somewhat misanthropic it gets very grating. You begin to envy those around you who can handle getting shitfaced then being sober just because that's the way it should be, as though they don't have a rebellious or mischievous bone in their body and just use these substances to get something they want out of life rather than to escape it. That breeds cynicism that usually culiminates in a relapse for me. These idiots like the world because they like fitting into it and doing things they're supposed to be doing, and therefore drugs and alcohol don't pose a real threat to them. If they were smarter and less naive they would be in the same boat as you. At least, that's what the cynical and depressed part of me ends up ruminating on when I'm growing tired of square life. Then there's a trigger, a song or an interview or a conversation that reminds me that there are other people like me, and they never got better. They just kept destroying themselves and honestly, I like some of them better than squares even though they've probably made horrible mistakes and burned bridges that I will never know about for their addiction. But that flash of connection is so much realer than phony conversations that I end up saying fuck it and diving back into the underworld. And it's great and horrific and makes me feel guilty but ultimately, it makes me feel like I am in on a fascinating secret that reminds me that life is exactly the way I suspected it to be deep down-- it doesn't mean much, and it's mostly bad, and accepting that makes you a pariah and angers people who see it as something that is exclusively there to serve them and them alone, fuck everybody else. Drug addiction is narcissistic in a way, because you are putting aside all of everybody's expectations for you and disrespecting life itself by playing with it and yes, you're basically admitting that you don't deserve to be happy and you want to instead be alone. But I think squares are narcissistic too when they buy into having your pleasures and deepest motivations and daily routines being rigid and based on comfort rather than intensity and adventure.
I love stories and writing and songs because the very best writers write stories that have very sharp turns and strange things that end up making you question what it's all about, is it worth anything, what's right, what's wrong. The best stories leave you clueless about these things and you're just kind of alone in your confusion, and there's a weird clarity there. When you treat life like that, you hurt yourself and others but you can be alone and admit that you're clueless and things are really not what they seem. And you meet such interesting people, a lot of them have been through the fucking ringer and they just immediately can pick up on what you mean when you talk about life being a scam, being rigged, being hopelessly confusing and admitting that we have to live alone and die alone and take what we can get along the way. It's kind of an acknowledgement that death is at the end of it, and nobody knows if that gives life value or removes it.
Such a rambling post, but I think you guys know what I'm talking about. I like having a secret place where I go and I'm facing the world by myself, removed from the programmed shit and in a completely different mess where every day life just looks like cotton candy and sports games and stupid jokes. I've had moments of being fucked up and coming down and just marveling at how people go through life never experiencing anything as close to intense as the shit I've gone through the past day or so, but we're both still here and living in the same place and working together and making small talk. It makes me feel clever and stupid and good and evil but I think most people never really feel like that, they just want to play along so they can make things as comfortable for themselves as possible and feel good about themselves. Drugs aren't about feeling good about yourself, they have the opposite effect. They are about thinking about anything except yourself and others because those two topics have become a commodity that's bought and sold and rendered worthless.
I know this is a little too wordy and dramatic but I wanted to get it out there. The secret of it is the hardest part to leave behind for me. I will be sober for a long time then just think about how good it would feel to be alone and forget about how things are supposed to be and what you're told to think about and take care of. And you're so alone it can be the worst experience in the world. But that speaks to how profound it can be, you seek it out in spite of the misery because it lets you truly say fuck off world, punish me all you want for disrespecting you but that's just how much I see through your bullshit. But of course the cycles just take advantage of you in other ways, as you give money to manipulators or are imprisoned or are driven to insanity and serious suffering that has you forgetting all of this type of romanticization and begging for mercy.
Getting sober just feels like becoming a eunuch. You reject something that tempts and fascinates you to fit into a more moral and responsible role in society, but if you are somewhat misanthropic it gets very grating. You begin to envy those around you who can handle getting shitfaced then being sober just because that's the way it should be, as though they don't have a rebellious or mischievous bone in their body and just use these substances to get something they want out of life rather than to escape it. That breeds cynicism that usually culiminates in a relapse for me. These idiots like the world because they like fitting into it and doing things they're supposed to be doing, and therefore drugs and alcohol don't pose a real threat to them. If they were smarter and less naive they would be in the same boat as you. At least, that's what the cynical and depressed part of me ends up ruminating on when I'm growing tired of square life. Then there's a trigger, a song or an interview or a conversation that reminds me that there are other people like me, and they never got better. They just kept destroying themselves and honestly, I like some of them better than squares even though they've probably made horrible mistakes and burned bridges that I will never know about for their addiction. But that flash of connection is so much realer than phony conversations that I end up saying fuck it and diving back into the underworld. And it's great and horrific and makes me feel guilty but ultimately, it makes me feel like I am in on a fascinating secret that reminds me that life is exactly the way I suspected it to be deep down-- it doesn't mean much, and it's mostly bad, and accepting that makes you a pariah and angers people who see it as something that is exclusively there to serve them and them alone, fuck everybody else. Drug addiction is narcissistic in a way, because you are putting aside all of everybody's expectations for you and disrespecting life itself by playing with it and yes, you're basically admitting that you don't deserve to be happy and you want to instead be alone. But I think squares are narcissistic too when they buy into having your pleasures and deepest motivations and daily routines being rigid and based on comfort rather than intensity and adventure.
I love stories and writing and songs because the very best writers write stories that have very sharp turns and strange things that end up making you question what it's all about, is it worth anything, what's right, what's wrong. The best stories leave you clueless about these things and you're just kind of alone in your confusion, and there's a weird clarity there. When you treat life like that, you hurt yourself and others but you can be alone and admit that you're clueless and things are really not what they seem. And you meet such interesting people, a lot of them have been through the fucking ringer and they just immediately can pick up on what you mean when you talk about life being a scam, being rigged, being hopelessly confusing and admitting that we have to live alone and die alone and take what we can get along the way. It's kind of an acknowledgement that death is at the end of it, and nobody knows if that gives life value or removes it.
Such a rambling post, but I think you guys know what I'm talking about. I like having a secret place where I go and I'm facing the world by myself, removed from the programmed shit and in a completely different mess where every day life just looks like cotton candy and sports games and stupid jokes. I've had moments of being fucked up and coming down and just marveling at how people go through life never experiencing anything as close to intense as the shit I've gone through the past day or so, but we're both still here and living in the same place and working together and making small talk. It makes me feel clever and stupid and good and evil but I think most people never really feel like that, they just want to play along so they can make things as comfortable for themselves as possible and feel good about themselves. Drugs aren't about feeling good about yourself, they have the opposite effect. They are about thinking about anything except yourself and others because those two topics have become a commodity that's bought and sold and rendered worthless.
I know this is a little too wordy and dramatic but I wanted to get it out there. The secret of it is the hardest part to leave behind for me. I will be sober for a long time then just think about how good it would feel to be alone and forget about how things are supposed to be and what you're told to think about and take care of. And you're so alone it can be the worst experience in the world. But that speaks to how profound it can be, you seek it out in spite of the misery because it lets you truly say fuck off world, punish me all you want for disrespecting you but that's just how much I see through your bullshit. But of course the cycles just take advantage of you in other ways, as you give money to manipulators or are imprisoned or are driven to insanity and serious suffering that has you forgetting all of this type of romanticization and begging for mercy.
