BrahamCracker
Bluelighter
Everytime something goes wrong I lay down and give up. I can't find it in me to be couragous. I wish I had a reason to hide behind being mentally depressed, like a family death or break up. I guess mine is I just don't make enough effort on anything. It's really my fault, which only brings me more pain. College is over, my last cling to hope for the future. My mind is looking for something to hold onto to bring me some hope. I used to pray to god for help, but I realize god can't change my thinking. I painfully admit I have to be the one who improves my head. So far, I've only made things worse. I don't know what or who to reach out to, and most people reading this probably just make fun of me. That's ok i'm used to it. I used to pray to god for hope, but recently all I pray for is death. Painfully or quiet, just give me some peace.
That alone feeling you get, i get it about 40% of my day. The rest of it is just average. I forgot what it feels like to be happy. The other day I tried to remember when I felt like everything was going great, and it made me cry to realize I haven't felt that way since high school (over 4 years ago). If I can't be a productive member of society then why am I here. I am the kind of person who will get arrested one day for something aweful. It's only because I have no more hope, and the pain eats me away.
Everything about my attitude is wrong. I wish I didn't realize these things so I could pretend I am normal. Intelligence is something I do have. It's even worse because little things do not interest me. Nothing interests me except learning about something nobody knows about. I strive to be different in every way, only because I want people to feel sorry for me. I am pathetic. When I tell people my problems, they just tell me to knock it off and i'm overreacting. Well it's easy for people to say that. It's easier for me to hide behind all of my faults. I've been so depressed I couldn't even take my anti-depressent meds. The worse part is I can understand why people do these aweful things.
Notice the one thing I didn't even mention is love. It's because I have never truly felt it. I hate talking about this because i'm instantly crying for a long amount of time (hours).
The pain makes us seem like we have nothing else to live for. I am so brilliant and I am aware of this. I have so many good things about me. What makes my mind ignore those and focus on my failures? All I see is, I failed this or I failed at that. Unless things go perfectly I am never excited. I have nobody to reach out to but mystical help, because I am sick of being a failure. I am turning more crazy each day, and it breaks my heart... whatever i have left of mine. I don't cry when I see innocent people die. I am more jealous than I am sad. What does this say about me? Am I going to be a psycho who goes out and does something hurtful towards society someday? I sure fucking hope not. I would be such a waste. One word I would use to describe myself is just plain SAD.
The only thing I am proud about me is I conquered my drug addiction.
What can I do? I have no money, i dropped out of college and all i can think about is dreaming I was someone/somewhere else. I doubt any of you can help, but if you try I will thank you for it.
That alone feeling you get, i get it about 40% of my day. The rest of it is just average. I forgot what it feels like to be happy. The other day I tried to remember when I felt like everything was going great, and it made me cry to realize I haven't felt that way since high school (over 4 years ago). If I can't be a productive member of society then why am I here. I am the kind of person who will get arrested one day for something aweful. It's only because I have no more hope, and the pain eats me away.
Everything about my attitude is wrong. I wish I didn't realize these things so I could pretend I am normal. Intelligence is something I do have. It's even worse because little things do not interest me. Nothing interests me except learning about something nobody knows about. I strive to be different in every way, only because I want people to feel sorry for me. I am pathetic. When I tell people my problems, they just tell me to knock it off and i'm overreacting. Well it's easy for people to say that. It's easier for me to hide behind all of my faults. I've been so depressed I couldn't even take my anti-depressent meds. The worse part is I can understand why people do these aweful things.
Notice the one thing I didn't even mention is love. It's because I have never truly felt it. I hate talking about this because i'm instantly crying for a long amount of time (hours).
The pain makes us seem like we have nothing else to live for. I am so brilliant and I am aware of this. I have so many good things about me. What makes my mind ignore those and focus on my failures? All I see is, I failed this or I failed at that. Unless things go perfectly I am never excited. I have nobody to reach out to but mystical help, because I am sick of being a failure. I am turning more crazy each day, and it breaks my heart... whatever i have left of mine. I don't cry when I see innocent people die. I am more jealous than I am sad. What does this say about me? Am I going to be a psycho who goes out and does something hurtful towards society someday? I sure fucking hope not. I would be such a waste. One word I would use to describe myself is just plain SAD.
The only thing I am proud about me is I conquered my drug addiction.
What can I do? I have no money, i dropped out of college and all i can think about is dreaming I was someone/somewhere else. I doubt any of you can help, but if you try I will thank you for it.