6 years of depression typed into one page

[BrahamCracker]

Everytime something goes wrong I lay down and give up. I can't find it in me to be couragous. I wish I had a reason to hide behind being mentally depressed, like a family death or break up. I guess mine is I just don't make enough effort on anything. It's really my fault, which only brings me more pain. College is over, my last cling to hope for the future. My mind is looking for something to hold onto to bring me some hope. I used to pray to god for help, but I realize god can't change my thinking. I painfully admit I have to be the one who improves my head. So far, I've only made things worse. I don't know what or who to reach out to, and most people reading this probably just make fun of me. That's ok i'm used to it. I used to pray to god for hope, but recently all I pray for is death. Painfully or quiet, just give me some peace.

That alone feeling you get, i get it about 40% of my day. The rest of it is just average. I forgot what it feels like to be happy. The other day I tried to remember when I felt like everything was going great, and it made me cry to realize I haven't felt that way since high school (over 4 years ago). If I can't be a productive member of society then why am I here. I am the kind of person who will get arrested one day for something aweful. It's only because I have no more hope, and the pain eats me away.

Everything about my attitude is wrong. I wish I didn't realize these things so I could pretend I am normal. Intelligence is something I do have. It's even worse because little things do not interest me. Nothing interests me except learning about something nobody knows about. I strive to be different in every way, only because I want people to feel sorry for me. I am pathetic. When I tell people my problems, they just tell me to knock it off and i'm overreacting. Well it's easy for people to say that. It's easier for me to hide behind all of my faults. I've been so depressed I couldn't even take my anti-depressent meds. The worse part is I can understand why people do these aweful things.

Notice the one thing I didn't even mention is love. It's because I have never truly felt it. I hate talking about this because i'm instantly crying for a long amount of time (hours).

The pain makes us seem like we have nothing else to live for. I am so brilliant and I am aware of this. I have so many good things about me. What makes my mind ignore those and focus on my failures? All I see is, I failed this or I failed at that. Unless things go perfectly I am never excited. I have nobody to reach out to but mystical help, because I am sick of being a failure. I am turning more crazy each day, and it breaks my heart... whatever i have left of mine. I don't cry when I see innocent people die. I am more jealous than I am sad. What does this say about me? Am I going to be a psycho who goes out and does something hurtful towards society someday? I sure fucking hope not. I would be such a waste. One word I would use to describe myself is just plain SAD.

The only thing I am proud about me is I conquered my drug addiction.

What can I do? I have no money, i dropped out of college and all i can think about is dreaming I was someone/somewhere else. I doubt any of you can help, but if you try I will thank you for it.

 

[BrahamCracker]

I also just wanted to say that I hide all these feeling so well, that when I told my mom, she was dumbfounded. She told me she thought I was one of the happiest kids out there. So yes, I hide these feeling from EVERYONE. Only I know.

 

[ocean]

Well, good job on getting over your drug addiction. That is a great accomplishment!
Have you ever talked to a Dr. about your feelings? You may consider if you haven't. Some people are just wired differently and need medication, and some people can have a breakthrough with therapy. It sounds like you are to a point now where you could use someone to really help you look into what is what with your depression.
Talking it out here can be helpful, and as you know, TDSers can give great insight, but there is no replacing a professional.
You might also consider starting a BLOG here on BL to let out some of your feelings since you aren't sharing with others besides us.

Occupying your time is really important when you are depressed. Find something that helps your mind leave the depression, this could be anything from cooking, to reading to going on a hike to whatever. The whole "find a hobby" thing sounds so......plain, but it really does help.
You've got a good mind, find a way to put it to good use!!
That could be doing something as small as a Blog, or as big as writing a book!!

Maybe join some sort of club or get out and do something with other people that you enjoy.

I hope things look up soon

 

[machoki]

Man, I just realized the same thing the past week! It's like when you're talking about your feelings we're simply the same person.

Lets say 9 good things happen to me. And one bad. Because of that one bad thing i loose my mind. I don't use drugs any more, it's nothing like that. All I know is, that I could actually be happy, but in my mind I just simply can not, "not think" about bad stuff. It's freaky, but somehow it feels better in my brain to feel depressed than happy.

I got diagnosed with depression about half a year ago (all though i think I've had it for about a year) and things have gotten better, I've felt quite better, but when one tiny little thing goes wrong, my day are ruined. Happily not the entire week any more.

Im going a bit off topic, sorry for that, but what do you say if tonight we both, just try not to have bad feelings in our head? I know we can do it, it's so hard and irrational, but we've got no other choice, right.

 

[BrahamCracker]

Man, I just realized the same thing the past week! It's like when you're talking about your feelings we're simply the same person.

Lets say 9 good things happen to me. And one bad. Because of that one bad thing i loose my mind. I don't use drugs any more, it's nothing like that. All I know is, that I could actually be happy, but in my mind I just simply can not, "not think" about bad stuff. It's freaky, but somehow it feels better in my brain to feel depressed than happy.

I got diagnosed with depression about half a year ago (all though i think I've had it for about a year) and things have gotten better, I've felt quite better, but when one tiny little thing goes wrong, my day are ruined. Happily not the entire week any more.

Im going a bit off topic, sorry for that, but what do you say if tonight we both, just try not to have bad feelings in our head? I know we can do it, it's so hard and irrational, but we've got no other choice, right.

i feel "comfortably numb" a lot. its the only way to forget.

 

[Blossom]

I struggle with some of the same thoughts you have...last year I overdosed on 50 grams of tylenol because my father told me I was a sociopath and I believed him and I thought that I was doing nothing good or productive and my existence on earth was a flaw, and that I was hurting more people by being alive then by being dead..

I look at myself, without a job, homeless...sad, grey depressed...like I was last year and want to kill myself again.

But then theres this little part of me that sees so much more that I am capable of...and how its a mindset. I remember that my feelings will change, I can move on, I can do things that feel good...and I can do things that are productive. Its hard finding a balance. I think it helps to know that THIS WILL PASS. I've attended a few 12-Step Meetings, Al-Anon and NA...and while I think its a cult, they have some things that are helpful to hear.

I think that you should spend time taking care of yourself, getting into a hobby...hanging out with friends and seeking the help of a trained psychologist or therapist...it sounds like you have low self worth/esteem...try talking to a therapist who can help you. There are different types of therapy. I've personally done CBT and DBT...

Depression is a life long battle, but remember LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL. Even if you can't see it right this second, and everything is grey and blah and colorless and dull, its not you...its just those thoughts and feelings and maybe chemicals in your brain (I don't like the use of SSRI's but for many individuals they seem to help)

 

[highhooked]

Go back to college bro! Your a smart guy do something with your intelligence

 

[TheLostBoys]

I felt that way alot but I put myself in that spot because of gambling. I won $45,000 in a 2 week period betting football & gave it all back within a month. Talk about depression, I was in the lowest possible place I had ever been with crazy thoughts circling my mind & with no money to pay my bills.

Just starting thinking positively & things started to change for me. It can be done but it comes within yourself. The mind is a powerful tool.