hey guys, just got back from my friend's place. as you can probably imagine i'm tired as fuck right now, and although i'm in a relatively clear headspace atm (compared to earlier at least) the visuals are still swarming. i have a feeling that it's going to take a LONG time for these to dissipate.
however, i just wanted to report back and say that according to my friend my blood pressure and heart rate remained completely stable every second i was under, and that the doctor in the ER told him that i was perfectly okay, besides the fact that i was almost completely unresponsive for around 7 hours. they didn't even give me a benzo, which i'm thankful for in a way.
i will try to write a more complete trip report once my head's a little bit more sorted, but really there's not much to say. only when i posted here was i feeling the slightest bit of anxiety, and once my friend picked me up i was already sinking into the calmest, slowest, lightest and deepest space i've ever felt. i have never felt more safe in my entire life.
please don't take this as me encouraging anyone else to try and recreate what happened to me; this could have turned out horribly, and instead of laying in my bed right now i could be laying in a morgue. but i'm not, for whatever reason, and i felt like i was given a gift today that nobody will ever be able to take from me. i experienced things that are personal beyond what i ever knew personal could mean. i think i expected a feeling of just exploding outward into the universe in billions of pieces, but instead it was like my soul was suddenly stripped bare and then wrapped thousands of times over, tighter and tighter with every pass. i could try to explain to you guys what i felt and saw but it would be pointless. how do i explain staring at a physical manifestation of my own grief, diving into it, living a life inside it and dying only to realize that i'm just waking from one lucid dream into another? every part of my soul is still aching from what i experienced, but there wasn't a single moment where i felt threatened or confronted with something that i was unable to accept.
the best way i can think of to describe it all is that i experienced flowing from a pond to a stream to a lake to a river to a waterfall to a canyon to an ocean. it was all just exactly the way it was supposed to be, and then it just stopped being.
the weirdest part of it all, though, is how suddenly i felt sober mentally once it let up. it was like i skydived out of infinity and was back to reality in fractions of a moment. i've never felt such a sudden and intense comedown in my life, and it makes me wonder what the hell is going on chemically that could create that sort of nearly instant dramatic shift. idk! too tired to speculate much more...
anyways, im still a little far out as you can prolly tell from how long i've just been rambling eh? i just wanted to let you guys all know that i'm fine and that this has been one of the hugest, most difficult learning experiences of my life. i wanna thank you guys for being so concerned, this really is an awesome community. will talk more later, peace, gnite