50 shades of grey...

[boltfan909]

OK, I am sure most of you have heard about this new phenom of a book. -- My Wife essentially buried her head in this thing for about a week and a half (in fact, read all 3 books). She was SO into it, like nothing I have ever seen before.

I do a little research and find out its about this rich 27 year old, good looking business man that had a rough upbringing, that goes after this intern at his firm. He is into heavy bondage & discipline and gets her to submit in every way. -- I had NO clue the Wife was into this stuff, it wowed me. At first I was totally turned on, but her fantasy for this 'Christian Grey' has gotten the best of me. After further reading, it truly seems the basis of this guys 'charm' and ability to get this women to fully submit is, MONEY. HAH who would have thought, every women in american going goo-goo over a good looking, rich, young man!? -- The more and more I read, the more its VERY apparent its all about the cash.

It also bothered me that the Wife didn't share a single thing about this book. Something that drove her completely wild, yet she withheld everything, never expressing interest in this 'other' side of her...

I told my Wife I would read the book because I always want to be the best lover possible. Make her crave me, want me, and essentially submit to me. However, I am so taken back by the money motive, that I cannot read it anymore.

I feel like I do not have the correct leverage that I need to make her submit, and enjoy the things she obviously fantasizes about. It's frustrating as hell; though this Christian Grey is a fictional character, it bugs the shit out of me that I cannot provide the things he did to his lover.

Can any women chime in that have read the book? What about the this Christian drives you wild? What can a man do to really make his women WANT to submit (in the bedroom, of course) to him? I am very good looking, big, strong, athletic, and have never been insecure about anything in our relationship until she read this stupid ass fictional novel. Its eating me alive, I want to be what she fantasizes about and I am struggling to reach that... I'd love to hear from some ladies on this..

 

[sockpuppet]

I'm not a woman but I've seen a bit of the world and have been into BDSM for years so FWIW: It's not about the money at all - though you shouldn't find attraction to money or power surprising in the least. BDSM is just natural. Rough sex is natural. Domination and submission are natural. Many people crave it all but have been trained not to recognize their needs as healthy. Trust me - "Vanilla" women have always been very interested in bdsm when exposed.......much much more common than straight society would have you believe.

The flip side of that btw - is that many men - especially men of the younger generations - have been trained to suppress a natural side of themselves that many women would appreciate not always being suppressed. Maybe when you look inside you'll find it more natural than you think. Anyway - good luck and have fun finding out....

 

[boltfan909]

I'm not a woman but I've seen a bit of the world and have been into BDSM for years so FWIW: It's not about the money at all - though you shouldn't find attraction to money or power surprising in the least. BDSM is just natural. Rough sex is natural. Domination and submission are natural. Many people crave it all but have been trained not to recognize their needs as healthy. Trust me - "Vanilla" women have always been very interested in bdsm when exposed.......much much more common than straight society would have you believe.

The flip side of that btw - is that many men - especially men of the younger generations - have been trained to suppress a natural side of themselves that many women would appreciate not always being suppressed. Maybe when you look inside you'll find it more natural than you think. Anyway - good luck and have fun finding out....

Thanks, any good reading material to help me learn more and/or perfect the art of getting a women to want to submit.. I am naturally dominant, but in the same token she always seems to resist when I am doing my thing. That to me, kills it. I like to control her orgasm, as she's about to go...Let up, slap her clit, tease her... It's part of the game she wants, but seems resentful when in the moment...

 

[sockpuppet]

Thanks, any good reading material to help me learn more and/or perfect the art of getting a women to want to submit.. I am naturally dominant, but in the same token she always seems to resist when I am doing my thing. That to me, kills it. I like to control her orgasm, as she's about to go...Let up, slap her clit, tease her... It's part of the game she wants, but seems resentful when in the moment...

Are you sure she doesn't want to resist? Wants to be resentful and angry towards you even? But still wants you to force her??

Re-reading your OP I think you and your wife need much better lines of communication about sex in general. It sounds like you don't really talk about any of this directly - maybe even like you've each been existing in your own little worlds for awhile.

I'd try talking as directly as you can manage with her. But you just want to really find out and feel it in your heart yourself (it sounds like you do actually) then pick a good time and stop her in her tracks and tell her you've been thinking about things and you've decided that what she really needs is to be taken and fucked like a whore and that you are about to use her exactly as you like whether she "likes" it or not unless she says "safeword" (or whatever). Then use her without concern for her as a wife and loved one but rather as you would use a very eager and submissive one night stand unless she explicitly tells you to stop with the safeword (or unmistakably equivalent since you are newbs - any serious "stop" should mean stop...)

She may be ambivalent and confused about her desires too though - so whether that ends up in a hot session or is a misfire and you have to stop hopefully you will end up talking more as a result. It's normal for people to feel confused and conflicted about such intense emotions and needs - especially when they run counter to the usual ways we feel about our loved ones or the things society tells us are "normal". It's all normal - have fun....

 

[boltfan909]

Appreciate the response. I agree with everything you said.

That's the part that I think erks me the most, I want her to spill her fantasies and desires with me. She read all 3 fucking books, texted her gf's not stop about it, but didn't share shit with me. -- I am TRYING to get it out of her as to what she wants/likes, but then she throws the whole 'I don't want to tell you what to do, because that takes the submissive (part on her behalf) out of it'.

Gonna get a blindfold, some soft cuffs, rope, and see what I can figure out this weekend. --In a sense I think the lack of confidence in myself (with the B&D) stuff is whats holding me back...For instance, after the blindfold, and tying up, then what? I want to feel confident and know how to make her go wild...and as of now, I don't.

 

[ocean]

Can any women chime in that have read the book? What about the this Christian drives you wild? What can a man do to really make his women WANT to submit (in the bedroom, of course) to him? I am very good looking, big, strong, athletic, and have never been insecure about anything in our relationship until she read this stupid ass fictional novel. Its eating me alive, I want to be what she fantasizes about and I am struggling to reach that... I'd love to hear from some ladies on this..

Shit.... I'll admit my dirty little secret. I read those damn books and liked it lol
Though this is not about the BOOK really in SLR, more what turns women on about it- I do have to say the book was so poorly written and really was not a great read- more the story was hot .

So here's the deal....it's NOT about the money, as you think.
NSFW b/c it's about the book:

NSFW:

It's about the domination, the security the guy has in his sexuality, he's possessive and controlling- yet, he is vulnerable and extremely loving. He adores the woman character....and will do anything in his power to ensure she is safe, loved and satisfied. His number one goal sexually with the woman in the book is her satisfaction.
Really, when I first started reading it I was like 'Wow, this guy is almost abusive in the way he treats women!' - I was surprised so many women liked it but then as I read on, I saw why.
They call it mommy porn b/c it all goes back to this guy having issues from his childhood and the lead woman- Ana- wants to get to the bottom of it and help him through his problems....she often 'thinks' stupid things like "My poor little fifty" - but then treats him like he is in complete control. And that's the thing with BDSM relationships.
The Dom is there to get pleasure out of the Sub, but the Sub has all the control.

What can a man do to make his woman WANT to submit?
The woman has to want it....so communication is key.
Spell it all out.
Talk to your wife about what turned her on, what she wants... She will know what parts she likes about the idea of submission and what she doesn't want to try. Also, that book isn't all hardcore BDSM, more the sweet loving side of a relationship with BDSM.
It's total fantasy where the woman thinks she will change the man- and in the book, of course, she does.

So my first piece of advice is to talk to her about it.
Start out with subtle little things like pinning her arms above her head, spanking her, taking control in sex, being more dominant.....tell her what feels good, what you like while you are having sex.
Then if she is into it and you guys discuss it, bring in more of what you both want.....Toys, props, etc.
I'd also suggest you read about BDSM- since your wife has read this book in particular, she might not understand it fully and know it can push you to the limit.....but I think you can easily satisfy your wife's desires and your own by openly discussing what she got out of the book and trying some of it out.
Annnnnnd, it may not have been the actual sex she was into, it may have been the story of the woman changing the man- every girl has at one time thought she could change the bad boy

Do your own research though so you also know what you're into.

 

[boltfan909]

Shit.... I'll admit my dirty little secret. I read those damn books and liked it lol
Though this is not about the BOOK really in SLR, more what turns women on about it- I do have to say the book was so poorly written and really was not a great read- more the story was hot .

So here's the deal....it's NOT about the money, as you think.
NSFW b/c it's about the book:

NSFW:

It's about the domination, the security the guy has in his sexuality, he's possessive and controlling- yet, he is vulnerable and extremely loving. He adores the woman character....and will do anything in his power to ensure she is safe, loved and satisfied. His number one goal sexually with the woman in the book is her satisfaction.
Really, when I first started reading it I was like 'Wow, this guy is almost abusive in the way he treats women!' - I was surprised so many women liked it but then as I read on, I saw why.
They call it mommy porn b/c it all goes back to this guy having issues from his childhood and the lead woman- Ana- wants to get to the bottom of it and help him through his problems....she often 'thinks' stupid things like "My poor little fifty" - but then treats him like he is in complete control. And that's the thing with BDSM relationships.
The Dom is there to get pleasure out of the Sub, but the Sub has all the control.

What can a man do to make his woman WANT to submit?
The woman has to want it....so communication is key.
Spell it all out.
Talk to your wife about what turned her on, what she wants... She will know what parts she likes about the idea of submission and what she doesn't want to try. Also, that book isn't all hardcore BDSM, more the sweet loving side of a relationship with BDSM.
It's total fantasy where the woman thinks she will change the man- and in the book, of course, she does.

So my first piece of advice is to talk to her about it.
Start out with subtle little things like pinning her arms above her head, spanking her, taking control in sex, being more dominant.....tell her what feels good, what you like while you are having sex.
Then if she is into it and you guys discuss it, bring in more of what you both want.....Toys, props, etc.
I'd also suggest you read about BDSM- since your wife has read this book in particular, she might not understand it fully and know it can push you to the limit.....but I think you can easily satisfy your wife's desires and your own by openly discussing what she got out of the book and trying some of it out.
Annnnnnd, it may not have been the actual sex she was into, it may have been the story of the woman changing the man- every girl has at one time thought she could change the bad boy

Do your own research though so you also know what you're into.

Thanks a lot!-- This is kind of what I figured, but when hearing how it was so cool how he bought a company to make sure he was in his control of her, took her on helicopter rides, wine n dined her, it started to seem redundant to the fact its about a rich guy that likes to perv out. lol

As to the sex part, man I don't know. I feel like I do all those things now. She does say she likes when I move her around to my liking, I have always spanked, pulled hair, choked etc...She said it makes her feel like a 'women'. Cool, but she also says she wants me MORE dominant, which leads me to believe she wants to goto the next step; but like I said when I have tried to really slow things down, force orgasm etc, she almost gets irritated, annoyed and wants it her way. -- I explained if she wants to play this way, she has to fully trust me and SUBMIT....Time will tell I suppose.

 

[sockpuppet]

Thanks a lot!-- This is kind of what I figured, but when hearing how it was so cool how he bought a company to make sure he was in his control of her, took her on helicopter rides, wine n dined her, it started to seem redundant to the fact its about a rich guy that likes to perv out. lol

As to the sex part, man I don't know. I feel like I do all those things now. She does say she likes when I move her around to my liking, I have always spanked, pulled hair, choked etc...She said it makes her feel like a 'women'. Cool, but she also says she wants me MORE dominant, which leads me to believe she wants to goto the next step; but like I said when I have tried to really slow things down, force orgasm etc, she almost gets irritated, annoyed and wants it her way. -- I explained if she wants to play this way, she has to fully trust me and SUBMIT....Time will tell I suppose.

Ocean's post/advice were first rate......

It also sounds like you two have been farther along than I'd realized and also that you are more comfortable with power exchange than I'd understood and truly want to top her. In that case and based on what you've written you want to stop considering her needs or aiming to pleasure her. Instead you want to objectify her and treat her like a toy for your pleasure and your pleasure alone. Don't care at all if she comes - maybe tell her up front she doesn't deserve to come and won't be allowed to until you say so - that you are just going to use her like meat while thinking about pounding that hot cash register girl in the ass. Whatever - everyone is different and likes different elements/fantasies/actions - but the key for many submissive people is that they don't want to have to give permission, to ask you for what they want, even maybe to stop disapproving at some inner moral level from childhood of the very things they crave being done to them. She likely doesn't want to feel like she is directing you or negotiating or even "agreeing" to these terrible, dirty acts. Now all that said - of course you actually are fully aiming to satisfy her in every way and of course you don't actually want to do anything she genuinely does not enjoy deep down - so the real art of being a dom IMO is walking that line. For me it's actually ALL about how completely depraved and lost in the act my lover becomes - really all about HER pleasure and HER orgasms are much more intense for me than my own. But we get to that place by taking roles and my normal role is to not give a shit and use her as an object. She loves this very much indeed. Many people do.....%)

Have fun - read stuff (definitely read up on safer bondage if you don't have much experience, the dangers of breathplay, etc) talk - and play - it's all good.....

 

[lola]

As someone who enjoys being a sub - and I do quite a lot of BDSM - I don't think you'll get a list of things she wants to do out of her. She's clearly only getting to know herself better in this way now and you'll need to be the confident one.

Rough sex is one thing; you're obviously physically dominant with her and she finds it a turn on. But really good doms are psychologically dominant; it's all about mind games and control over her sexuality (consensual, of course!)

So I'll tell you some things that have worked for me with doms I've been with, see if it gives you inspiration:

As soon as I walk in the door, being told "turn around with your face against the wall and hands on your head", then he undressed me, put his hands down my skirt telling me I was nothing but a cheap slut, how wet I was getting just by him talking to me like this. He blindfolded me and made me walk up the stairs naked on my hands and knees without being able to see anything. Then he tied my hands behind my back and started by making me beg to suck him - you can guess the rest...

Being ordered by text messages to make myself come in different ways and different places and post pictures; or being told (when not seeing a lover for a few days) that I'm not allowed to come at all until he lets me. Again this is when you're not together; when you're together you should let her come when she's ready or it can get too intense...

Being ordered to get my asshole ready by using toys so he can fuck it as soon as he gets home from work, being told to meet him in a bar with make up and a dress without knickers so that he can grab me and fuck me on the way home in alleyways, public bathrooms or just finger me on the bus...

And actually just this evening, I was instructed to go into a public toilet on my way home, take off my knickers and put them inside myself then make myself come and walk home this way (it was painful, btw!) and when I got home I had to go on skype to show him while I remove them and he told me to put them in my mouth while I made myself come again and he watched... generally being watched and exposed is exciting, you could make her masturbate naked when you're sitting and watching her fully clothed, have her tied up and spread open and just look at her and stroke her body very gently before you get the whip out... just be a bit twisted, basically

It's all about pushing her boundaries and getting her out of her comfort zone but doing it gradually so she doesn't freak out.

Always build up to these things with texts or whatever saying "tonight you're going to be mine and do as I say" so you build up and excitement and she knows to be ready. ALWAYS be caring and be willing to change plans at last minute if she had a rough day and isn't in the mood, or stop if she's getting freaked out and give her a cuddle. This is quite extreme so can get emotional. Remember it's just playing, but you can give her a mind blowing experience. Don't be discouraged if it takes a few attempts, even with my bf of two years sometimes it doesn't quite work so we just laugh it off and watch a film instead! Just have fun with it.

 

[rangrz]

OK, I am sure most of you have heard about this new phenom of a book.

No, but I have not read anything that did not have -ology in the title or which did not require a working knowledge of integral and differential calculus in a year.

As soon as I walk in the door, being told "turn around with your face against the wall and hands on your head"

All I can picture for that statement is this.

NSFW:

okay, so I'll try to be slightly on topic... I think a key point, is when you are giving a fucking command, don't come across like a scared dipshit who's 15. Stand up straight, shoulders back, chin up. Speak clearly. Don't yell, yelling sounds stupid. Be loud and powerful with your voice, but still a talking voice, project it. Don't resort to tired cliches, again they sound un-educated, trite and forced. Use decent English with proper grammar and sentence structure. Shit like "You're a dirty cum whore"...as I said, it sounds so incredibly forced, lame and unoriginal.

Move with a sense of purpose. Don't drag your feet, don't look at the ground, don't fold your hands together, etc.

Finally, while it is as stated above, important to come off with an air of confidence and pride, it is equally important to avoid unwarranted self importance or taking yourself or the whole thing too seriously, NOTHING makes you look like more of a buffoon then thinking you are the fucking shit when in reality you are doing such a bad job that a 6 year old wouldn't feel intimidated.

Most of what I said above is practical experience in having to be in command and "dominate" people in a non-sexual, non-playful, srz bizniz way. But it fits nicely with my observations as to what I find also makes a good Domme, granted the dynamic for a me, being a guy who likes to sub to a female top, may be slightly different?

 

[rm-rf]

very interesting read. dont worry, there is actually almost no sex at all in it.

 

[lola]

All I can picture for that statement is this.

NSFW:

Hahaha fair enough, but in a sexual power exchange context, for someone who's never been in a war area, this has the air of being controlled and perhaps a little bit like being arrested (and indeed, handcuffs follow) and, ahem, being subject to a search... but everyone has their own little turn on and turn offs.

Excellent advice re being assertive, read it OP! I'm most likely to melt when a man tells me what he wants me to do in a quiet, determined and calm voice, it's almost hypnotic... grrrr

 

[boltfan909]

Thanks for all the input... I think its going to definitely take time. Lots of creativity as well.

I know I have it in me, I just need to break her (in a good way) just enough to TRULY get to submit. I can see her snickering or having a hard time taking it serious, because it's all new; so I have to be pretty damn good right from the get-go to make it happen.

 

[Max Power]

oh my..... oh my..... ......

..... .....

.... ...... ..... oh my.


There's the cliffnotes for this book, although I didn't add enough ellipses to do it justice.

 

[muvolution]

Thanks for all the input... I think its going to definitely take time. Lots of creativity as well.

I know I have it in me, I just need to break her (in a good way) just enough to TRULY get to submit. I can see her snickering or having a hard time taking it serious, because it's all new; so I have to be pretty damn good right from the get-go to make it happen.

She will probably wont laugh at you if you follow rangrz advice. Be confident, be sure of yourself.
It sounds like you might be similar to me - I definitely don't know how into totally psychologically dominating a woman I would, but you need to put yourself in an "other" mind state so you can think clearly about how to please her and get her off with psychological and sexual domination. Step outside yourself and all that stuff. I'm sure if you just go for it that after some time you will find out what really works for you and what really turns you on about it, and you can explore this more.


Is it possible you are over thinking the whole thing? I mean, it is totally natural for people to have fantasies involving people other than their partners. And they are usually of the healthy variety when they involve people whom it would not be physically possible to sleep with.
How would your wife feel if she caught you jerking off to nude pictures of Angelina Jolie? Probably not as threatened as you feel now.

 

[boltfan909]

She will probably wont laugh at you if you follow rangrz advice. Be confident, be sure of yourself.
It sounds like you might be similar to me - I definitely don't know how into totally psychologically dominating a woman I would, but you need to put yourself in an "other" mind state so you can think clearly about how to please her and get her off with psychological and sexual domination. Step outside yourself and all that stuff. I'm sure if you just go for it that after some time you will find out what really works for you and what really turns you on about it, and you can explore this more.


Is it possible you are over thinking the whole thing? I mean, it is totally natural for people to have fantasies involving people other than their partners. And they are usually of the healthy variety when they involve people whom it would not be physically possible to sleep with.
How would your wife feel if she caught you jerking off to nude pictures of Angelina Jolie? Probably not as threatened as you feel now.

Good advice.

Yes, I am almost certainly overthinking it; that's just what I do. However I am a perfectionist (or maybe OCD? lol) and strive to make my loves ones happy with me. It's a sense of security, yet something that is just natural inside me.

I will venture out of myself, maybe a couple strong drinks before we play will help me loosen up enough to really step out of my own mind/body and into the true dom self I know I can be.

I read these books about two months ago and my husband felt exactly the same I'm actually in love with Christian grey haha! I'm for real it's money the power the fact that he loves and desires Ana so much that he kinda stalks her ( in real life that wud be weird I understand) and mainly it's the way the sex is written, I mean real life is never like that it's clumsy and sticky but it's fantasy so everything's smooth and perfect, and wha women wouldnt want to submit to very good looking powerful man who makes her cum?! You can't compete with this perfect fictional character im sure ur wife loves u and ur sex don't worry be urself, be adventurous, and watch some porn to make ur self feel better

As lame as it sounds, I want to be her Christian Grey. Am I a billionaire? No.. But I can certainly make her feel loved, wanted, secure, and safe with me while pleasing her in the most unimaginable ways possible.

Sex is good, but I am always looking to better that, as well as our relationship. You can never have too much love or too good of a sex life lol

 

[lola]

Is it possible you are over thinking the whole thing? I mean, it is totally natural for people to have fantasies involving people other than their partners. And they are usually of the healthy variety when they involve people whom it would not be physically possible to sleep with.
How would your wife feel if she caught you jerking off to nude pictures of Angelina Jolie? Probably not as threatened as you feel now.

A good point - remember she might be enjoying it because it's just a fantasy and isn't happening in real life so it's "safe". Actually, acting it out may or may not be something she's ready for. Whatever you do don't try to control your wife's erotic imagination, she's got a right to a private erotic life that doesn't always involve you...

 

[augustaB]

Fifty shades of green if you ask me. This thing is bigger than Harry Potter's magic wand!

 

[tackyspiral]

i am a woman and the submission thing is not at all about the money its about a total loss of power and control which can be an amazing turn on but if you have never been a "dom" before i suggest you do quite a bit of research first because if you are not believable or you try and tie ur woman up and are not good at it then its just ruined i know because its happened and instead of being turned on i end up irritated

 

[boltfan909]

i am a woman and the submission thing is not at all about the money its about a total loss of power and control which can be an amazing turn on but if you have never been a "dom" before i suggest you do quite a bit of research first because if you are not believable or you try and tie ur woman up and are not good at it then its just ruined i know because its happened and instead of being turned on i end up irritated

I am very conscience about this. -- What did you do, or not do that pissed you off?