poisoned candy
Bluelighter
Nothing in this world could have prepared me for this experience.
For the past year and a half, I've been accessing alternate modes of consciousness through the use of drugs, particularly tryptamines. If my mind is a mansion, I was determined to blast open every locked trapdoor, discover every secret passage. Now I've found the chemical key that has opened doors in my mind that I never knew existed..and now that they are open, I'm not sure if I would have rather left them closed.
I hate to compare one drug to another, but to give a general sense of how intense 5-meo-DMT is, I'll say that it made six grams of good mushrooms seem mild by comparison. While the DMT experience only lasts for perhaps 10-15 minutes, I'm pretty sure that time has left its mark on my mind for years to come, if not for the rest of my life.
I can't remember everything that happened during the trip, but I'll try to express as much as I can in words. In reflecting on the experience, I can identify three "themes" that played out in my mind, which I will discuss seperately for simplicity. However, by no means was it a case of different "phases" of the trip that I could notice begin and end..it was all one continuous experieince.
Takeoff
I smoked the DMT using a piece of tin foil shaped to form a spoon, which I heated from underneath using a lighter, and inhaled the smoke through a straw (similar to a common technique for smoking heroin). The powder (10mg worth) turned to smoke quickly, and I was able to easily inhale it all in one toke. I held the smoke in for a few seconds, and before I had a chance to exhale...
My vision became overtaken by a intensely white, static-y light that, in just a few seconds, filled my entire visual field. Simultaneously, I felt an intense mind rush, as if my brain was a rocket that had just lifted off. I heard an exetrememly loud, high-pitched, piercing siren noise (that lasted the whole trip). The last word that escaped my lips was a shocked "whooaaa...!?"...
And then I was gone.
What followed next an intense, pounding series of visions that were completely immersive and all-encompassing. There was absolutely no ego I could reference the experience too, as my entire being completely shattered and ceased to exist. For all I knew, I never even existed in the first place.
Theme #1 - Perceiving the Universe at its most Fundamental, Quantum Mechanical level
It seemed as if my normal perceputal system was replaced by one that allowed me to perceive the entire universe as a set of matrices, quarks, functional relationships, strings, and god knows what else. I wish I could remember much specifics of what I felt (for it wasn't simply a case of seeing the universe as math, but becoming it) but since my ego had been totally obliterated, there was nowhere to "send" these visions to.
Theme #2 - Searching for the Core Meaning
Once the whole universe became expressed mathematically, it semed as if within it all there was an ego that was somehow "me" but in an alternate form. This alternate me was somehow progressing towards the core meaning of the universe, the center of all matter containing the unspeakable (God?). However, it seemed like the more I spiralled towards the center, the more complex everything became. Within puzzles lay additional, ever more complex puzzles, and the solution to one would merely open up a greater, more complex puzzle that would eventually become infinitely complex and unsolvable. Furthermore, it seemed like there were beings that were trying to obstruct my search, testing me to see whether I was worthy of such knowledge. I felt I was progressing towards madness, and had a vision of myself as a middle-aged man smoking DMT again and again trying to reach the core of knowledge..as though DMT was the key that I wasn't meant to possess, but now that I possessed this key I could reach unimaginable places.
Theme #3 - The Collapse of World Financial Markets
I had a vision of the secretive, underlying mechanisms by which the global financial system, on which the American empire is built upon, works to ensure its own survival. I had visions of cash flows, credits and debits to various accounts, and secret back-room dealing, all to support our existing system of banks, money, stocks, and insurance funds. Probably the macro-economics course I just completed had some role in this part of the trip.
the Landing
As suddenly as the trip had begun, all of a sudden I unexpectadely found myself back in the room, where I remembered the last thing I did was smoke DMT. An acquantaince popped her head in the doorway and asked if I was alright, to which I silently nodded. I was absolutely amazed that, while my mind had completely shattered just moments before, it had somehow come back together and my ego existed once again. I felt overjoyed to be alive. For the next few minutes I was getting some visuals in the room, but it was nothing but eye candy compared to what I had just come back from. And half an hour later, I felt so incredibly back to normal that I went out to Saphir to meet fred, as if I hadn't just had the most intense experience of my life.
What actually happened
While I have no recollection of this AT ALL, according to charlie and all his roommates, I was rolling around on the floor and punching it repeatedly during the DMT trip. I was completely non-responsive, and if it wasn't for Charile calming his roommates down they might have called the paramedics.
the Aftereffects
For the past two days, I've been getting occasional but quite powerful flashbacks of the trip. (I had one just now, as writing this report brought back the experience). Last night, I did mushrooms and nitrous oxide with J* and much of the experience consisted of a series of flashbacks and spontaneous recollections of what I experienced on DMT the night before. My mush trip with J* involved very wonderful emotional bonding between us; it was an incredible night. The reason I discuss it here is as follows: when I first saw J* on her first hit of nitrous (while on mush), her entire being was possesed by such an intense state of ecstasy that I felt the DMT returning, simply by watching her. It was one of the more beautiful things I have seen. Of course, when I actually did the nitrous it was nothing like the DMT (though incredible nonetheless). Yet everytime I watched her, the experience returned.
Now, frankly I have no clue what I am going to do. I might do DMT again tomorow..or in the same time I might flush the rest down the toilet. I really don't know.
For the past year and a half, I've been accessing alternate modes of consciousness through the use of drugs, particularly tryptamines. If my mind is a mansion, I was determined to blast open every locked trapdoor, discover every secret passage. Now I've found the chemical key that has opened doors in my mind that I never knew existed..and now that they are open, I'm not sure if I would have rather left them closed.
I hate to compare one drug to another, but to give a general sense of how intense 5-meo-DMT is, I'll say that it made six grams of good mushrooms seem mild by comparison. While the DMT experience only lasts for perhaps 10-15 minutes, I'm pretty sure that time has left its mark on my mind for years to come, if not for the rest of my life.
I can't remember everything that happened during the trip, but I'll try to express as much as I can in words. In reflecting on the experience, I can identify three "themes" that played out in my mind, which I will discuss seperately for simplicity. However, by no means was it a case of different "phases" of the trip that I could notice begin and end..it was all one continuous experieince.
Takeoff
I smoked the DMT using a piece of tin foil shaped to form a spoon, which I heated from underneath using a lighter, and inhaled the smoke through a straw (similar to a common technique for smoking heroin). The powder (10mg worth) turned to smoke quickly, and I was able to easily inhale it all in one toke. I held the smoke in for a few seconds, and before I had a chance to exhale...
My vision became overtaken by a intensely white, static-y light that, in just a few seconds, filled my entire visual field. Simultaneously, I felt an intense mind rush, as if my brain was a rocket that had just lifted off. I heard an exetrememly loud, high-pitched, piercing siren noise (that lasted the whole trip). The last word that escaped my lips was a shocked "whooaaa...!?"...
And then I was gone.
What followed next an intense, pounding series of visions that were completely immersive and all-encompassing. There was absolutely no ego I could reference the experience too, as my entire being completely shattered and ceased to exist. For all I knew, I never even existed in the first place.
Theme #1 - Perceiving the Universe at its most Fundamental, Quantum Mechanical level
It seemed as if my normal perceputal system was replaced by one that allowed me to perceive the entire universe as a set of matrices, quarks, functional relationships, strings, and god knows what else. I wish I could remember much specifics of what I felt (for it wasn't simply a case of seeing the universe as math, but becoming it) but since my ego had been totally obliterated, there was nowhere to "send" these visions to.
Theme #2 - Searching for the Core Meaning
Once the whole universe became expressed mathematically, it semed as if within it all there was an ego that was somehow "me" but in an alternate form. This alternate me was somehow progressing towards the core meaning of the universe, the center of all matter containing the unspeakable (God?). However, it seemed like the more I spiralled towards the center, the more complex everything became. Within puzzles lay additional, ever more complex puzzles, and the solution to one would merely open up a greater, more complex puzzle that would eventually become infinitely complex and unsolvable. Furthermore, it seemed like there were beings that were trying to obstruct my search, testing me to see whether I was worthy of such knowledge. I felt I was progressing towards madness, and had a vision of myself as a middle-aged man smoking DMT again and again trying to reach the core of knowledge..as though DMT was the key that I wasn't meant to possess, but now that I possessed this key I could reach unimaginable places.
Theme #3 - The Collapse of World Financial Markets
I had a vision of the secretive, underlying mechanisms by which the global financial system, on which the American empire is built upon, works to ensure its own survival. I had visions of cash flows, credits and debits to various accounts, and secret back-room dealing, all to support our existing system of banks, money, stocks, and insurance funds. Probably the macro-economics course I just completed had some role in this part of the trip.
the Landing
As suddenly as the trip had begun, all of a sudden I unexpectadely found myself back in the room, where I remembered the last thing I did was smoke DMT. An acquantaince popped her head in the doorway and asked if I was alright, to which I silently nodded. I was absolutely amazed that, while my mind had completely shattered just moments before, it had somehow come back together and my ego existed once again. I felt overjoyed to be alive. For the next few minutes I was getting some visuals in the room, but it was nothing but eye candy compared to what I had just come back from. And half an hour later, I felt so incredibly back to normal that I went out to Saphir to meet fred, as if I hadn't just had the most intense experience of my life.
What actually happened
While I have no recollection of this AT ALL, according to charlie and all his roommates, I was rolling around on the floor and punching it repeatedly during the DMT trip. I was completely non-responsive, and if it wasn't for Charile calming his roommates down they might have called the paramedics.
the Aftereffects
For the past two days, I've been getting occasional but quite powerful flashbacks of the trip. (I had one just now, as writing this report brought back the experience). Last night, I did mushrooms and nitrous oxide with J* and much of the experience consisted of a series of flashbacks and spontaneous recollections of what I experienced on DMT the night before. My mush trip with J* involved very wonderful emotional bonding between us; it was an incredible night. The reason I discuss it here is as follows: when I first saw J* on her first hit of nitrous (while on mush), her entire being was possesed by such an intense state of ecstasy that I felt the DMT returning, simply by watching her. It was one of the more beautiful things I have seen. Of course, when I actually did the nitrous it was nothing like the DMT (though incredible nonetheless). Yet everytime I watched her, the experience returned.
Now, frankly I have no clue what I am going to do. I might do DMT again tomorow..or in the same time I might flush the rest down the toilet. I really don't know.
