is it even a slip or am I just using again? well, thats a tough one. I wouldnt say I am using but I wouldnt call it a slip, either. I went out and grabbed it cuz I wanted to use today. I woke up this AM and purposely didnt take my 4MG bupe dosage because I had intentions of just letting the day play out and see how I felt; well, my work check ended up clearing and it was a commish period (I get paid on 1099 so my check hits anywhere from the 27th to the 3rd of every month) so I went out and spent $160. not a bad deal for 2G's. usually paying a hundo a POP but this time I had a deal, a delivery driver and I had to go by CVS anyway to pick up a script of med I am taking so why not add 5 needles to that order, right? sick, huh? sick, sick, sick mind!
I have .5 left of those 2G's I STARTED using earlier today. I just blasted a .25 shot and now just seeing what happens over the next hour or so before I decide to use the rest; kinda have to tonight since I have a drug test next Wednesday for my bupe program; I may come out and tell my Dr. I slipped!? well, not SLIPPED but DECIDED TO USE ON MY OWN - no worries. legit, my decision to USE. no one else. I didnt think, slip, have a flash back, nothing. I wanted to use based on me getting paid. if I didnt get commish today I prob wouldnt have grabbed shit. whacky, right?
this is my first post/blog while HIGH/JAMMED! actually, my first 1 or 2 on here I was at my worst, so I am assuming I was high that night as well. I COULD be wrong but probably not. I really doubt I was taking ANY days off back then.
so, let's see. I went a SOLID 5 months of just bupe; then last month and a half I had 3 slips which total cost me around $350. thats $350/mo that I just WASTED on drugs. yes, I am jammed and happy right now but that thought of $350 KILLS ME! esp. now that I am BACK OUT and ON MY OWN! no more GF trouble, no more RENT CUT IN HALF, tho. I am paying $1250/mo here, so I do not have time to use and FUCK UP ALL OVER AGAIN!
what you see here is the COCKY me right now; saying BIG DEAL, I used cuz I wanted to, not cuz I relapsed as some would call it. its how I always thought and a post from another board member who had same thoughts motivated me to realize life/drugs/everything is based on MY OWN THOUGHTS/DECISIONS! I will not/cant/NEVER WILL blame another, or a disease, or anything. it was ME who used cuz I wanted to. I got paid and said FUCK IT, lets use. I wasnt suffering from WD's, didnt have a dealer infront of me asking me to buy, and wasnt getting SHIT FOR FREE! I went out and USED CUZ I WANTED TO GET HIGH! see what I am saying here!? I am saying REGARDLESS OF MY USE it is ME who is making those DECISIONS! so I have NOTHING to worry about in the future, right? well, thats tough to say. people can say they see these slips leading down a BAD PATH! but here I am thinking these are NOT SLIPS but just me using cuz I wanted to; which is the truth BOTH ways; depending on the person reason this.
all I know is I cannot AFFORD to use ANYWHERE CLOSE to what I once did; esp. w/ me out on my own. then again, it's also me NOT HAVING to pay for dates or other random shit w/ the GF.. but I wont lie to myself there, either. I never did SHIT FOR THE GIRL! I bought drugs and only drugs; so that was me TRYING to come up w/ a excuse but then calling myself out. the MIND TRYING to play a trick on itself and then catching itself!
anyway, I shot dope tonight. end of story.
not end of the world, tho. and not end of my life (hopefully) ha.
this is a good post tho cuz I'll surly read back over this in 2-3 months and either be clean that day or a junk bag and I'll say, "damn, I remember writing that post.. it was the day I started to get heavily involved again". or, just maybe.. like I said, OR.. JUST MAYBE.. 2-3 months from now I can say, "that was the day I used because I wanted to and big deal, cuz here I am 3 months later and have not used since". we'll see. cuz I could read 3 months from now and also say, "wow, I just shot last week AGAIN".
the world plays games in many ways; but I am the one who chose the game and I know all the rules, so it should be easy to play, right!? I dominated in this game before and I will dominate again (dominated means both ways - using and not using).
GOD BLESS!
I have .5 left of those 2G's I STARTED using earlier today. I just blasted a .25 shot and now just seeing what happens over the next hour or so before I decide to use the rest; kinda have to tonight since I have a drug test next Wednesday for my bupe program; I may come out and tell my Dr. I slipped!? well, not SLIPPED but DECIDED TO USE ON MY OWN - no worries. legit, my decision to USE. no one else. I didnt think, slip, have a flash back, nothing. I wanted to use based on me getting paid. if I didnt get commish today I prob wouldnt have grabbed shit. whacky, right?
this is my first post/blog while HIGH/JAMMED! actually, my first 1 or 2 on here I was at my worst, so I am assuming I was high that night as well. I COULD be wrong but probably not. I really doubt I was taking ANY days off back then.
so, let's see. I went a SOLID 5 months of just bupe; then last month and a half I had 3 slips which total cost me around $350. thats $350/mo that I just WASTED on drugs. yes, I am jammed and happy right now but that thought of $350 KILLS ME! esp. now that I am BACK OUT and ON MY OWN! no more GF trouble, no more RENT CUT IN HALF, tho. I am paying $1250/mo here, so I do not have time to use and FUCK UP ALL OVER AGAIN!
what you see here is the COCKY me right now; saying BIG DEAL, I used cuz I wanted to, not cuz I relapsed as some would call it. its how I always thought and a post from another board member who had same thoughts motivated me to realize life/drugs/everything is based on MY OWN THOUGHTS/DECISIONS! I will not/cant/NEVER WILL blame another, or a disease, or anything. it was ME who used cuz I wanted to. I got paid and said FUCK IT, lets use. I wasnt suffering from WD's, didnt have a dealer infront of me asking me to buy, and wasnt getting SHIT FOR FREE! I went out and USED CUZ I WANTED TO GET HIGH! see what I am saying here!? I am saying REGARDLESS OF MY USE it is ME who is making those DECISIONS! so I have NOTHING to worry about in the future, right? well, thats tough to say. people can say they see these slips leading down a BAD PATH! but here I am thinking these are NOT SLIPS but just me using cuz I wanted to; which is the truth BOTH ways; depending on the person reason this.
all I know is I cannot AFFORD to use ANYWHERE CLOSE to what I once did; esp. w/ me out on my own. then again, it's also me NOT HAVING to pay for dates or other random shit w/ the GF.. but I wont lie to myself there, either. I never did SHIT FOR THE GIRL! I bought drugs and only drugs; so that was me TRYING to come up w/ a excuse but then calling myself out. the MIND TRYING to play a trick on itself and then catching itself!
anyway, I shot dope tonight. end of story.
not end of the world, tho. and not end of my life (hopefully) ha.
this is a good post tho cuz I'll surly read back over this in 2-3 months and either be clean that day or a junk bag and I'll say, "damn, I remember writing that post.. it was the day I started to get heavily involved again". or, just maybe.. like I said, OR.. JUST MAYBE.. 2-3 months from now I can say, "that was the day I used because I wanted to and big deal, cuz here I am 3 months later and have not used since". we'll see. cuz I could read 3 months from now and also say, "wow, I just shot last week AGAIN".
the world plays games in many ways; but I am the one who chose the game and I know all the rules, so it should be easy to play, right!? I dominated in this game before and I will dominate again (dominated means both ways - using and not using).
GOD BLESS!
