• The Dark Side 💕 Welcome Guest 💕
    Posting Rules Bluelight Rules
    Notable Threads Urgent Hotlines
    Bereavement Mindfulness
    Suicide Support Anger Management
  • TDS Moderators: AlphaMethylPhenyl | paranoid android

32 years of loving and losing: My conclusion.

M

Maggie Mae

Greenlighter
Joined
Jun 22, 2016
Messages
13
I want to say 1st I have had numerous friendships, 1 relationship of 10 years and my husband now of 17 years, in which I have seen opiate addiction occur AFTER the relationship began. I wrote a paragraph after this 1st sentence and submitted it but I guess it never took.. after searching since yesterday I finally foud this.. what was left. Maybe that's why I couldn't find it. My husband is dying of heart failure and kidneys aren't good, either. I have family but they are basically estranged. He has cut me off emotionally and hasn't spoke to me for 4 days now. Last night when he left I found the Dr's report.. another heart cath. He already had 2 stints in. He is just always in denial. If they could see him jacked up on Vicodin, hardly sleeping.. My God.. he lives on ice cream ad crackers. I cook good things. He is losig his mind. I am on Xanax. I haven't had any for 2 days. I'm antsy but you know, it's a drug. This is real. He will die and I'm 52 with leg neuropathy and Achilles tendonitis in left leg. I would get a waitress job ad live in a small cheap flat just to still keep raising my grandson, but it looks like I can't now. I work in a hotel nights and after a busy weekend I could hardly walk. My daughter works hard but is incapable of raising a child.. or at least was.. now that he is 6 he can kinda take care of himself and she can't neglect him like whe he was a baby.. that's why I took him. Idky there are red squiggly lines under most of this.. it is correct! Will it post? Someoe please answer me! I wake up everyday and my 1st thought I can't live this way anymore. I don't want to die but I want to run. This is killing me inside. I used to be an engineer, I used to be an accountant. I am forbidden to speak of his opiate addiction. And you know what? Besides his faults he's a great guy.. I've lost this game. I've lost everyone.
 
My grandson worships him.. he is just like his Dad. We lost all our equity in this house. I have no ins. My counselors I've had before said I must try to keep stable. I have a long line of narcissism and mental illness in my family but I have a different Dad and somehow I did ok. I hadto put up boundaries between me and my daughter and my sisters. What the hell did I do to deserve this? All my life abused and then finally escape and marry a great guy then he becomes an addict and I just want to try to save myself. I took my grandson camping last week and sat in the beautiful woods and we fished. But I had to go home eventually. He is shutting me out because I tried to prevent this almost 20 years ago.. NEVER get an opiate regularly prescribed, but he did. He never would listen to anyone. That's why I'm his 3rd wife and his kids distance themselves because of his stubbornness. He has a good pension but lately is starting to blow $ and gamble more, especially when he's high. God forbid they advgertise a fishing lure on TV while I had a washer that I had to hand agitate for a year. Losing his mind. My EX beat the hell outta me regular.. I escaped. I was 29. I already called an atty and he said if he dies DO NOT spend that little bit of life ins and pay off your house! Somehow I can claim hardship and get out of this mortg because the ins is only 30k. That ain't shit. When people check in the hotel I want to leave with them. I would do anything to have someone who welcomed me. I'm done talking now.
 
:) Hello Maggie Mae (Rod Stewart?) and WELCOME to BL!

I'm sorry to hear that you are struggling.
 
Hello dear, this is your husband speaking. Well not really, but from what you've described he could get up and go to the bar while I sat in his chair and you wouldn't know the difference. I'm gonna post some insights for you here, but I'm gonna have to break them up since I'm at work. Maybe throw in a little more nuanced detail of you guys' relationship while I'm gone. Assuming you're still here. More in a bit...
 
Whoops...OK. Sorry I just read your 2nd post, and I'm glad I did, 'cause a couple things jumped out at me. But first...you open by saying your hub is dying from heart disease. Do you mean that metaphorically, as in "he's killing himself with pills and ice cream", or " his condition has progressed to the point where he has 6 months to live? Because if it's the latter and you're talking to lawyers and exploring your investment options online, I'm not talking to you either if I'm him. So it's an important distinction. Now the first BIG thing that jumped out at me is your refreshingly honest (I really mean that) admission that narsisism runs in your family. Because from the tenor of your posts, I'm nowhere close to being sold on your self-diagnosed observation that it miraculously missed you. I have had 4 caths, 9 stents, 3 heart attacks AND am addicted to opioids, and I'm nowhere near dead, even though I eat like a teenager and have recently added Meth into my regimine. Most people would assume I have a death wish. Maybe I do. But the part I think you'll find the funniest is that I have a wife who is a first ballot shoo-in for induction into the Narcissists Hall Of Fame! Not pointing any fingers at you OP, just saying'...ACK gotta go I will be happy to continue in a bit but I don't want to post my life story if this was just a quick breeze thru for you, so I'm not gonna post any more until I know you're still here 0P...err, darling...:)
 
Last edited:
Hi Maggie Mae,

I am truly sorry for the situation that you find yourself in. Your husband may very well be a "great guy" but it sounds like there is nothing between you for a long time; and that nothing has now turned to something destructive. You probably know this pattern in some ways from the abusive relationship:you are unhappy, you know that things are not good but you keep persisting in believing things will change. You are going to have to try your hardest to go on fix your own life without him. It sounds like what is holding you back is financial. Did you talk to the lawyer about divorce? Would you take that step or does that seem too drastic? Remember, he can be in charge of his own relationship with your grandson regardless of whether you are together or not.

What went wrong between you and your daughter? Is there any way to begin healing that relationship?I would imagine that if she were a neglectful mother to her infant that she carries some knowledge and shame about that. Do you have a way to talk to her that does not blame but seeks to understand ? Does she have addiction problems as well? Does she actually want her son or would she consider giving you custody (in which case you could get financial help to care for him).

You are overwhelmed and lonely and disappointed right now, but don't lose hope. You did not do anything to "deserve" your relationships--no one really deserves anything IMO. We create one half of every relationship we have. All you can do is to try to get support for changing your life and caring for your grandson.
 
Wow...your husband is dying, shutting down, becoming uncommunicative...and the theme of your post is "...I just want to save myself." I wish to apologize to my poor wife for getting her hopes up about the HOF...OP might beat her by a nose. I had to read this whole thing 3 times to really appreciate the totality if it. How that poor man hasn't blown his brains out my now is a miracle. I will bet all the money in my pocket that Maggie Mae came here to get her "waaah" on and, not getting instant gratification, has moved on to sunnier ports.
 
I'm here. I'm scared to death. He is 61. No Dr has given him a time frame, they just all say he could've died before.. and people ask me why he looks so bad. I don't look too good myself, but geez.. No, it's not my imagination. He's wasting. He has things wrong with him they can't explain. High white cells but they don't know why. This last year there's been a big difference. I see narcissim in me, yes. But no where near what I have seen in my sisters. Everyone's different. It's his life.. is that what you're saying? No amt of $ can replace my best friend, you see, he's always been there for me and doesn't know why I even try to have contact with my sisters, but I love them, they just can't be trusted not to hurt me.
 
Wow.. you are so wrong about me. I wish you had not come to such a hasty envision of me.
 
OK. First off, the betting period has already ended. Sorry folks.

Now, Maggie Mae...it's times like these that I'm happy to be wrong. First of all...did you happen to tell your hub about these post-death inquiries about the house, etc? Because if my wife did that I would be very, very hurt. He didn't quit talking to you 4 days ago because he has a sore throat, what happened or wa said that made him clam up? Was it something along those lines?
 
Your husband is very, extremely, sonically depressed. I know any 5 year old could figure that out, but it needs to be said. Now, I don't know your husband, but I know what it's like to have a fucked ticker...it causes you to take stock of your life. "I could be sitting here right now and fall over dead before the seconds hand hits 12 on the clock, and NOBODY would be surprised." Imminent doom always. It's roughly the same feelings a terminally Ill cancer patient would have...only everyone's treating it like you just stubbed your toe. There are a lot of things that go thru our heads. I couldn't sleep for the first to years, because every time I started to drift off, my mind would tell me if I fell asleep I would never wake up. *snap* eyes pop open, try to go back to sleep, lather, rinse, repeat. Back shortly...
 
I'm gonna put all the $ in my pocket back in play. Your hub is downing pills and eating like shit and generally not giving a FUCK because he's examined his life and concluded it was a fucking waste, and he's looking around while he's slipping down the rat hole and he has concluded that nobody loves him and nobody will take the time to save him. To tell him he's wrong about his life. He's as wrong as he could be about all of it. Man, you stubbed your toe, quit spending all that goddamn $$ on pills and start eating right, and you won't feel that way. THATS really what he hears, isn't it Maggie? Come on, think, come to Jesus...yeah?

No it won't. It won't make him feel better. You're just as wrong as you could be.
 
Kind of a fucked up conundrum when everybody's wrong, yeah?

He's looking to you Maggie. You're on the front line. I'm just sure as FUCK that he's tossed little lifelines to and one way or the other, you missed them. Its not necessarily your fault. But it might be. I down 10-12 percocets a day. Because they're PAIN killers. It's his emotional pain that's killing him, not the pills and not his heart. But what the fuck do I know? You'll have a death certificate to prove me wrong, won't you Maggie?
 
Last edited:
I am trying to navigate through how this system works. This reply is for Senior Moderator and please don't make it like I'm answering greenlighter! We have discussed divorce but neither of us really want that. I told him I am able to survive and I am. I have done it before. We still love each other. But you're right, we've drifted apart. When my daughter was in Jr High she started running with drug dealers for delivery she would get a purse or something. She doesn't even smoke cigs! So thankful she is not on drugs.. no, she is like my Mom was... I don't know why I am not to be believed! lol.. I'm not going to get on here and lie.. how does that solve anything? Anyhow, she became so bad I had to start calling the police because she'd theate me or destroy things in the house if she didn't get her way. Thank goodness for children's services because they stuck by me in court hearings. She was stripping but she is all over that now.. we get along a lot better but I have been in Psycopath Free for several years now and recognize patterns in the family. She does feel awful bad about her son, but I have finally forgiven my Mom and I told her to please keep up couseling and some women are not natural mothers at all and that it is the utmost insult to live down but I don't think either my Mom or her should've had kids at all.. so is it their fault this is genetic? She has a chance, she's young. She is much closer to her son, but after a day or so she's had enough and he wants to come back here. This is home. She also wants it that way. I do not want custody because I see similar traits in HIM! Yes!! He can work the angles better than most.. you do know about narcissism and all the facets that can go with it yet everyone is different. It takes all we both have to keep him in line and do his schoolwork and love him. How can I explain this? They look for every opportunity to self serve yet they are capable of love. I am afraid he will turn out like her in adolescence. My husband and I both agree on this.. we cannot take raising another very very difficult teen. We are too old and Jeff's health is so bad. I have had to intervene sometimes when Evan is manipulating him.. Jeff has learned what narcissism is the hard way. He is doig much better setting down rules. We want the right to not be responsible for him if he turns out this way. We pray he doesn't. I got ahold of myself at a young age.. about 8.. this happens. I can remember manipulating teachers and friends but I didn't want to be that way anymore. We have discussed what I will do when he goes. Jeff gets shutting people out honestly.. lol.. his Dad was the same way. I want to reach out to him but I'm afraid he'll play the'it's not me it's you' again. I suppose that's what got greenlighter all worked up. When someone forbids you to mention any play on opiates isn't that a clue I have a legit problem here? I keep trying to focus on my life. I joined an art class and I like my job. I;m scared. Everytime he gets those things filled he's much nicer and feels bad and does housework for a few days but he is speeding on them at 1st and won't sleep. that's when the heart pains come, or his vision blacks out. Yet I don't want him to do all this! He just won't listen to me. he told me the nurse said the stress test was ok.. but it's denial.. the Dr was calling him that day. It was bad. The worst part is the loneliest, yes.. for me.. I have lost my Dad 4 years ago and was taking care of him when he died. he said my Mom should have never reproduced because of narcissism. My youngest sister ad I did all the work together arranging the services, etc. Last year she was going crazy burning all her belongings outside so she could buy more. All my sisters have declared bankruptcy 3x, 5x.. but dad isn't here anymore to bail them out. Last year she turned on me for no reason. She is about to be divorced after 40 years because she turned so mean from the stress. My oldest sister is schizophrenic... she sees bugs that aren't there. So you see... I am alone if not for Jeff. I am so thankful you picked up on it. I have no where to turn.
 
My oldest sister was coming down for July 4th ad he said he couldn't handle it.. that's what started THAT argument. I am going to get Evan and I'll be back. At least you all are humans listening to things I cannot say. I hav eto get myself together and get Evan and I'll be back cuz I haven't read everything.
 
Omg fucking yes!! He was an athlete and hoped to get drafted but knocked up his 1st wife.. he was a helluva pitcher. He has said those exact things. He was 19. She quickly divorced him. He was lonely. Married again in a year to a woman and raised her kids.. kind of shut them out.. I think he felt cheated. I don't throw this shit up like that. He already knows. My fault is that I'm reserved emotionally. Well, he's at least speaking to me. as he sees me sitting here typig away he knows I can't take anymore. He took Evan golfing. Threw me $50 and said, get me some weed. He's out of Vicodin. I'll gladly do it. He doesn't have to hear it from me, Greenlighter, it's always there. I just see him going down ad I can't stop it. More sex would help, is all he says I can do because it makes him feel loved. I want to roll up in a ball and protect myself.. but he's at least speaking to me. How can I change what he's done? He gets mean sometimes when he's out. Why is this my fault? Well, if I showed more love it probably would. I have said things to him from my heart this past year and he said no one would ever know I had those deep feelings. Sometimes now when we have sex his heart acts up.. jesus has nothing to do with this.. So we're 2 fucked up people, right? And we can't fix it. And still we are close. I can go without Xanax but it's not easy, but I can do it. No wonder I crawl in that bottle, right? lol.. No, man, I don't want to lose this one.. like I said wtf is 30k? lol!! It just makes me feel better that I have a plan, that's all. he knows that. he feels bad about it. I don't want him to feel bad about it.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Top