3 Poems And would you tell me what you think?

[IndependentElement]

Untitled Poem 1

I don't want to
God help me, I don't need this
You're my disease, you're my cancer
My sickness in life
My nightmare in sleep
Easy to get locked in
belligerent fucker
I found my sin
I found again and again and again

And I don't need you
I don't want it
Your poison skin
Keeps pushing in

And I found strength
I'll keep fighting til I win
This isn't over til it begins
Every goddamn word a sneak attack
Ignorance is what we lack
I found this
I own my birth right

Poison Bliss

Poisoned by the empirical bliss of the nightmare
All consuming fiery stares of hell
Anger awakened by the passing day
Push the rage, push the rage
Comatose in a haze
Reality unfolds around me
Covers me with senseless dreams
Touched by feeling, sitting in praise
In a psychedelic daze
Wondering a wanderer's stare at the incandescent air
Asphyxiated on life the sun shines bright
Touches all my sight
What a beautiful life

Untitled 2

Do you see the object of my eye
A barrel of cyanide
Do you feel the sadness of my space
Constantly misplaced

I stretch the colors now
So pretty they break
Shimmering iridescence. They feel the air
Blank look upon our stares
The lightning crashes break this space
Boiling hate, I lick to taste
Metallic shit on my tongue
Touch to feel, breath to lung
Inside this death; colliding
Ruptured spleen, collapsed lung
Gripping at the air
Pull me back, stare that stare
Last gasp, no air
Fuck this
dilated stare

 

[E-girl]

so much hate and sadness... yet so powerful.

the first one flows like a song. do you play guitar? i've got some great notes going in my head to it!

I really like the combination of "Shimmering irridescence"
It's words like that that really draw me in.

Out of the three i liked the second one best. Kind of reminds of me "Beautiful Things" by Andain.

 

[IndependentElement]

I play some guitar. I would be greatly interested if you would PM what chords you have going through your head. Maybe re-write the poem with/ chords above the words. This could turn out very interesting!:D

Thanks for the positive feedback. Much appreciation.:D

 

[katmeow]

so much hate and sadness... yet so powerful.

*nods*

I like em!

 

[E-girl]

hmmm are piano chords the same as guitar chords?

 

[iLoveYouWithaKnife]

piano notes and guitar notes are the same.
there's more vararity in guitar chords, though.
same basic concept.

 

[jeebus13]

Reminds me of when I used to trip every other day and not sleep for weeks. Thanks.

 

[StuffedTiger]

you listen to hip hop don't you?

I really like your rhymes and rythm, totaly good.