I DONT EXPECT ANYONE TO READ THIS ALL. THE NITTY GRITTY IS HIGHLIGHTED IF YOU WANT TO SKIP MY LIFE STORY.
I'm sorry if this is too long or hard to understand. I wrote what came to my mind and I have never shared this and this has just all built up. I'm desperate for help and I know support groups on here can be fantastic.
Hello, I'm a 24 year old college student and am trying to finish a science degree to go into medicine and preparing to go into the biggest battle of my life (drug withdrawal from opiates). I have never asked for any advice on a forum that I can think of so i'm new to this. I apologize if anything is not the way i'm supposed to do this. Anyways i've got a wonderful family. I grew up with love and support. I began using drugs particularly marijuana when I was about 14 years old. I feel instantly in love. I remember the first high walking down the road with a group of so called "friends" and feeling this amazing floaty incredible feeling that I just absolutely feel in love with. I from that day forward would never see a sober day in my life with the exception 2-3 times where I attempted rehab or detoxing on my own. So from that day on I was infatuated with bud. I loved the smell, the culture, the high, the growing, anything and everything about it I loved. I lived the culture, I drew pictures of it, I researched it night and day. I believed it was an amazing medicine that was so fun. I was a normal kid before this. I was very happy and always played sports, cared about school, had a great relationship with my family, had friends, no health issues.
When I began using weed I didn't look back. I along with my friends I grew up with all the way through young adult hood would experiment with an extensive and diverse amount of drugs. We went through first and alcohol stage, then a ecstasy stage, then a pill stage consisting of first ecstasy, cocaine then pharms which started with xanax. These were all great drugs to me but ecstasy caused me to panic the first 30 minutes to an hour after ingestion and then after that I loved the long lasting euphoria. I never could do long stents of ecstasy as the positive euphoria did not outweigh the harsh comedown. Cocaine was just okay to me. I did it several times on a weekend or such but I have add to I believe it treats me a little differently than everyone else. Alcohol was somewhat fun to me but I always end up getting drunk and just falling asleep.
I began getting into trouble with my parents and the law around highschool. I got arrested the first time the day before I turned 17. I was arrested for DUI as I was parked in my truck with the keys in the ignition, greater than an ounce of marijuana with the intent to sell as I had a scale and had it in dime bags. I ended up having to get an expensive lawyer and having to go to DUI classes to have this removed from my record. After that my so called friends became distant except for one and the rumor spread that I was a narc because I didn't do jail time. I had lost all the people who I thought were friends except for one person which we continue to smoke bud together with the occasional other drugs. When I on the last year before graduating high school I was getting into so much trouble. I was arrested again with that 1 last friend at his house smoking out my truck in his carport. Someone had called the cops and told them there was a suspicious vehicle at this house that was supposed to be vacant. I'm not sure if they really got a call or wanted an excuse to come onto the property. We were playing xbox in my car when they pulled up. I ended up getting arrested and spending a week in juvi. At the time I had my first girlfriend who I was so excited to have although she turned out to be a pretty bad person who didn't really care about me. So when I got arrested and got out and was on house arrest and probation things between us unraveled. So I lost her which is probably a good thing.
Back tracking to make a point my so called friends were the type of people that I believe were using me. They knew my sister before me and I think one of them wanted a reason to be at my house but had fun getting messed up together. So not being true friends and not caring about me any time we would get in trouble I was the one that was to blame. I was the one that influenced them. I thought they were the coolest people because they were a year older than me and I was running with the big dogs but I was being thrown under a bus any time we got caught. So the parents began blaming all on me and none of them like me anymore. The friends would ditch me on some weekends and play mean games with me. That one friend I thought would stick by my ended up doing the same in the end. I got to the point where I felt I had no friends. So I began dealing drugs in highschool. I had several connections. Some of my connections were people I knew from middle school. They were people who ended up in gangs etc. So I began getting drugs to sell in order to help me afford to get high. I began seeing all these people start calling me and messaging me. I felt like I was wanted again. I had a guy that was fronting me marijuana. I was in heaven. I had the money, friends, and drugs. I then got a bag from my fronter and went to make a deal when I was set up and robbed and gun point by several gang members (which at the time I didn't think about it but it was a suspicious circumstance). I then had to call my long time affiliated gang buddy I knew from middle school to bail me out. We went and rounded up several of his buddies and went out looking for the people who ripped me off. Which I knew who it was because it was a guy from school but we could never find him outside of school. I guess I'm not sure what we were going to do I just wanted payback. Nothing ever happen thank god.
That friend was arrested (which was a wrongful arrest) for a drive by murder which the charges were dropped. He spent several years in jail for that until they concluded that he was not the person of interest but he was also in their on related cocaine distribution charges. Anyways I got caught up in the fast money making drug life. I thought I was cool. I knew people I could call for muscle, drugs, or anything I needed. So in high school I ended up from a normal dealer of mine getting a oval blue watson 500 pill. I had never taken a lortab before but knew people liked them. I never had any desire to use lortabs before. He had received them for an injury from playing highschool football. I took it and it was the most wonderful feeling I have ever felt. I instantly felt like I was in the best place in my entire life. I was euphoric beyond belief. I ended up daily trying to get 3-5 dollars for lunch money and then buy one once I got to school and 1 would last me all school day. So when I found another connection in high school Oxycontin things began to change rapidly. I would buy the script of 60 every month of OC and the 180 lortabs as I was fronted them at first and ended up getting quite a bit of money out of them and had enough to eventually buy them myself. At this point I could do the smallest amount of oc or just 1 tab and be messed up.
But I was breaking the one rule. Don't get high on your own supply. I was using a few of the oc's and some of the lortabs every month I would get the script. I would have plenty to use some and sell the rest and make a great profit and get high at the same time. But eventually I was getting connections for roxicets, percocets, and anything else you can think of from several sources and had an endless supply it seemed and these things would flip so quickly. I ended up after that set up by that gang member I ended up getting moved to an alternative school which was not any better and it influenced my drug use. I barley finished high school and never thought Id go to college. Once out of highschool I went to a community college just barley making it by grade wise while I continued my stint of drug use with opiates. I thought that being able to sit in my room and take a lortab, or a small sip of codeine and promethazine syrup(yes a small sip had me high and warm at first was the best thing ever. Instead of having to sneak around and hide the smell of weed I was able to quitley sit in my room, play a game, and take a pill and no one knew. I would lay back on my bed and close my eyes and enter a dream world. Well after some time those sources ended up jacking prices up sky high. Occasionally I would get deals from other people.
My selling ended up attracting people that would call me at all times of the day and night wanting to get a score. I think I even got some people addicted to them. I remember a girl that I gave some to and now shes in suboxone treatment 3-4 years later still. I feel I created a nightmare for someone else I'm living myself right now and I feel horrible. I attracted heroine users that would call me saying that man they just really hurt and really need something and I would have to find ways to sneak out at 2,5 or whatever time it was to sell a pill. I never understood why they said they hurt and had to have something and would beg me. I was stingy and would try to suck as much money out of people as I could. Eventually as sources became stingy as well and pills became more expensive I ended up going to a doctor. I eventually scored a 90 a month lortab prescription for a back issue which showed up on an MRI. I was taking the lortabs along with xanax at any time. Xanax had me feeling so stupid though. It was nothing like lortabs euphoric nature. I never had any problems stopping the xanax or any other drug for that matter as long as I had another drug to ingest. But after I came to terms that my opiate use got out of hand I ended up coming clean to my family. My dad which is a doctor, mom who is a nurse were completely understanding. They were worried but understanding and supportive. They ended up funding me attempts to rehab several times. They have continued to support me even through my daily addiction for the last many many years since 2008.
I have not been without an opiate with a few exceptions when I tried to detox. So a councilor I was seeing recommended me to try subutex. I had heard of it helping some of the people I sold to get off of OC. My councilor asked me to go overnight without any opiates and come in in the afternoon and he would help me out. So I went in and was in horrible pain. I ended up taking a little subutex until I was eventually okay. I thought it was amazing and thought that it was the answer. I didn't know that itself was an opiate. So I stayed on this medicine for a long time. I ended up meeting a girlfriend who is now my fiance. I was honest about my addiction from day 1 and she has been in the loop of every dose or anything I have taken or done. Her mom was a nurse and was in a terrible accident. She ended up getting on pain killers which led her down a path to death. My fiance is so scared i'm heading in that same direction and she doesn't want to lose me. She was put through horrible conditions when her mom would drag them to the hospital at all times of the night to just get a shot of opiates. My fiance was having to steal food to eat, and was living in conditions no child should have to. So after going through this I'm not sure what she saw in me. She said at first she would never thought she would have dated me because she had heard about me and knew what I was into. But eventually I won her heart and she was mine. Everyone instantly thought this perfect girl who was a A student was now doing drugs just from being with me. This didn't bother her. She ended up getting a full paid scholarship to a major university and went off to college. I attempted to apply there but didn't get in the first time so I continued my subutex and taking community college courses. I applied again and was accepted and went off to college.
During college I have had a tough time with school. We have had to drive home which is hours away when I would run out of medicine. She hates seeing me in so much pain and takes it very badly because she feels so helpless. She wants to take my pain away but she can't and its a bad feeling for her. We ended up saying I just couldn't do this anymore. I again found a suboxone doctor. I was on it for about a year and then tried to randomly one day after nitrating my dose to practically nothing coming off. I ended up making it through two weeks of hell and the withdrawals didn't ease at all. I ended up back on lortabs and then eventually back to suboxone. The second time I was on suboxone I was on it for 3 years. I never once relapse. This was the last 3 years of my life. I now have wanted to get off of suboxone and remember how hard it was since its got such a long half life. I decided I wanted to give it a shot this summer but didn't want to prolonged withdrawals from suboxone so I decided I would switch to lortabs again and try nitrating that. I planned on stepping down from hydrocodone to codeine to being off. I'm supposed to marry this wonderful girl who has since gotten a undergrad degree in education, a masters in special education and is now a teacher. I want a fresh beginning when we get married and I feel I owe it to everyone whos supported me through all my up and downs. We have attempted rehab for me but that was the worst case and never came close to working. I have a chance in 1 week to have a few weeks without anything I have to do and have a short time before i get married and I want to detox.
I'm looking for answers and help to detox. I have several things avaliable to me but I can never seem to make myself take them. I have prescribed Xanax, Ritalin (some left over adderall), clonodine, I ended up getting Imodium, Epsom salt, codeine and Promethazine syrup. I've been able to spread my usage out in 30-35mg dosing every 10-12 hours and i'm in pain for a lot of it. I don't get high or any good feeling but I feel normal. But when I try and drop at all I can't because I feel i'm in withdrawal. I don't know what to do! I want the best chance possible to get off this crap. I'm really sick of the pain and misery that this has caused me. Would It be possible to drop my dose of lortab to say 1 at a time if I combined it with any of the above medications? I've tried meditating and exercising but nothing seems to take my mind off the constant pill thoughts. I am down to 7 a day but that doesn't seem to do much as I think the suboxone jacked up my tolerance to lortabs. Some days i've taken 10. I'm really attempting to stay at 7. I want to make a jump down to 3-4. What can I do? I can't be in horrible withdrawals as I'm studying for finals that are this next week. I've thought about just switching to promethazine and codeine for a few days but am worried that it wont be strong enough and i'll be in withdrawals. I've thought about putting on a clonodine patch and dropping my dose of lortabs to 10mg at a time every 4-6 hours. I've thought about taking xanax and a low dose of lortabs. My issue is I'm so scared of drug interactions because I've seen people die off this shit.
Can anyone offer some advice for me in order to help me get my dose down dramatically. I know a lot of people say titration doesnt work but would any of the above drugs in combination help? When I go through withdrawals its so bad. I have the worst aches, hot cold flashes, and by far the worst is restless leg syndrome. All the typical withdrawal syndromes. I can't seem to get through withdrawals once. Why is it so damn hard for me? Why can't I just be happy without a drug? I'm scared because All I know is myself with drugs. I've been taking them daily in one form or another for almost 10 years. I know this is a point in my life where if I don't turn on the right road the road i'm on now leads down to death. This is a fact. And this is a sad fact considering I have a lot to live for. I have a wonderful fiance that is an amazing teacher and the best support I could ask for. I want a life and a family with her and I want my life without drugs. All of the above is a very small amount of the hell i've been through. I'm sorry its been so long and appreciate anyone that can offer any help. I truly am ready to be out of this nightmare. I'm just at a loss of how to do this. Thanks to everyone!
I'm sorry if this is too long or hard to understand. I wrote what came to my mind and I have never shared this and this has just all built up. I'm desperate for help and I know support groups on here can be fantastic.
Hello, I'm a 24 year old college student and am trying to finish a science degree to go into medicine and preparing to go into the biggest battle of my life (drug withdrawal from opiates). I have never asked for any advice on a forum that I can think of so i'm new to this. I apologize if anything is not the way i'm supposed to do this. Anyways i've got a wonderful family. I grew up with love and support. I began using drugs particularly marijuana when I was about 14 years old. I feel instantly in love. I remember the first high walking down the road with a group of so called "friends" and feeling this amazing floaty incredible feeling that I just absolutely feel in love with. I from that day forward would never see a sober day in my life with the exception 2-3 times where I attempted rehab or detoxing on my own. So from that day on I was infatuated with bud. I loved the smell, the culture, the high, the growing, anything and everything about it I loved. I lived the culture, I drew pictures of it, I researched it night and day. I believed it was an amazing medicine that was so fun. I was a normal kid before this. I was very happy and always played sports, cared about school, had a great relationship with my family, had friends, no health issues.
When I began using weed I didn't look back. I along with my friends I grew up with all the way through young adult hood would experiment with an extensive and diverse amount of drugs. We went through first and alcohol stage, then a ecstasy stage, then a pill stage consisting of first ecstasy, cocaine then pharms which started with xanax. These were all great drugs to me but ecstasy caused me to panic the first 30 minutes to an hour after ingestion and then after that I loved the long lasting euphoria. I never could do long stents of ecstasy as the positive euphoria did not outweigh the harsh comedown. Cocaine was just okay to me. I did it several times on a weekend or such but I have add to I believe it treats me a little differently than everyone else. Alcohol was somewhat fun to me but I always end up getting drunk and just falling asleep.
I began getting into trouble with my parents and the law around highschool. I got arrested the first time the day before I turned 17. I was arrested for DUI as I was parked in my truck with the keys in the ignition, greater than an ounce of marijuana with the intent to sell as I had a scale and had it in dime bags. I ended up having to get an expensive lawyer and having to go to DUI classes to have this removed from my record. After that my so called friends became distant except for one and the rumor spread that I was a narc because I didn't do jail time. I had lost all the people who I thought were friends except for one person which we continue to smoke bud together with the occasional other drugs. When I on the last year before graduating high school I was getting into so much trouble. I was arrested again with that 1 last friend at his house smoking out my truck in his carport. Someone had called the cops and told them there was a suspicious vehicle at this house that was supposed to be vacant. I'm not sure if they really got a call or wanted an excuse to come onto the property. We were playing xbox in my car when they pulled up. I ended up getting arrested and spending a week in juvi. At the time I had my first girlfriend who I was so excited to have although she turned out to be a pretty bad person who didn't really care about me. So when I got arrested and got out and was on house arrest and probation things between us unraveled. So I lost her which is probably a good thing.
Back tracking to make a point my so called friends were the type of people that I believe were using me. They knew my sister before me and I think one of them wanted a reason to be at my house but had fun getting messed up together. So not being true friends and not caring about me any time we would get in trouble I was the one that was to blame. I was the one that influenced them. I thought they were the coolest people because they were a year older than me and I was running with the big dogs but I was being thrown under a bus any time we got caught. So the parents began blaming all on me and none of them like me anymore. The friends would ditch me on some weekends and play mean games with me. That one friend I thought would stick by my ended up doing the same in the end. I got to the point where I felt I had no friends. So I began dealing drugs in highschool. I had several connections. Some of my connections were people I knew from middle school. They were people who ended up in gangs etc. So I began getting drugs to sell in order to help me afford to get high. I began seeing all these people start calling me and messaging me. I felt like I was wanted again. I had a guy that was fronting me marijuana. I was in heaven. I had the money, friends, and drugs. I then got a bag from my fronter and went to make a deal when I was set up and robbed and gun point by several gang members (which at the time I didn't think about it but it was a suspicious circumstance). I then had to call my long time affiliated gang buddy I knew from middle school to bail me out. We went and rounded up several of his buddies and went out looking for the people who ripped me off. Which I knew who it was because it was a guy from school but we could never find him outside of school. I guess I'm not sure what we were going to do I just wanted payback. Nothing ever happen thank god.
That friend was arrested (which was a wrongful arrest) for a drive by murder which the charges were dropped. He spent several years in jail for that until they concluded that he was not the person of interest but he was also in their on related cocaine distribution charges. Anyways I got caught up in the fast money making drug life. I thought I was cool. I knew people I could call for muscle, drugs, or anything I needed. So in high school I ended up from a normal dealer of mine getting a oval blue watson 500 pill. I had never taken a lortab before but knew people liked them. I never had any desire to use lortabs before. He had received them for an injury from playing highschool football. I took it and it was the most wonderful feeling I have ever felt. I instantly felt like I was in the best place in my entire life. I was euphoric beyond belief. I ended up daily trying to get 3-5 dollars for lunch money and then buy one once I got to school and 1 would last me all school day. So when I found another connection in high school Oxycontin things began to change rapidly. I would buy the script of 60 every month of OC and the 180 lortabs as I was fronted them at first and ended up getting quite a bit of money out of them and had enough to eventually buy them myself. At this point I could do the smallest amount of oc or just 1 tab and be messed up.
But I was breaking the one rule. Don't get high on your own supply. I was using a few of the oc's and some of the lortabs every month I would get the script. I would have plenty to use some and sell the rest and make a great profit and get high at the same time. But eventually I was getting connections for roxicets, percocets, and anything else you can think of from several sources and had an endless supply it seemed and these things would flip so quickly. I ended up after that set up by that gang member I ended up getting moved to an alternative school which was not any better and it influenced my drug use. I barley finished high school and never thought Id go to college. Once out of highschool I went to a community college just barley making it by grade wise while I continued my stint of drug use with opiates. I thought that being able to sit in my room and take a lortab, or a small sip of codeine and promethazine syrup(yes a small sip had me high and warm at first was the best thing ever. Instead of having to sneak around and hide the smell of weed I was able to quitley sit in my room, play a game, and take a pill and no one knew. I would lay back on my bed and close my eyes and enter a dream world. Well after some time those sources ended up jacking prices up sky high. Occasionally I would get deals from other people.
My selling ended up attracting people that would call me at all times of the day and night wanting to get a score. I think I even got some people addicted to them. I remember a girl that I gave some to and now shes in suboxone treatment 3-4 years later still. I feel I created a nightmare for someone else I'm living myself right now and I feel horrible. I attracted heroine users that would call me saying that man they just really hurt and really need something and I would have to find ways to sneak out at 2,5 or whatever time it was to sell a pill. I never understood why they said they hurt and had to have something and would beg me. I was stingy and would try to suck as much money out of people as I could. Eventually as sources became stingy as well and pills became more expensive I ended up going to a doctor. I eventually scored a 90 a month lortab prescription for a back issue which showed up on an MRI. I was taking the lortabs along with xanax at any time. Xanax had me feeling so stupid though. It was nothing like lortabs euphoric nature. I never had any problems stopping the xanax or any other drug for that matter as long as I had another drug to ingest. But after I came to terms that my opiate use got out of hand I ended up coming clean to my family. My dad which is a doctor, mom who is a nurse were completely understanding. They were worried but understanding and supportive. They ended up funding me attempts to rehab several times. They have continued to support me even through my daily addiction for the last many many years since 2008.
I have not been without an opiate with a few exceptions when I tried to detox. So a councilor I was seeing recommended me to try subutex. I had heard of it helping some of the people I sold to get off of OC. My councilor asked me to go overnight without any opiates and come in in the afternoon and he would help me out. So I went in and was in horrible pain. I ended up taking a little subutex until I was eventually okay. I thought it was amazing and thought that it was the answer. I didn't know that itself was an opiate. So I stayed on this medicine for a long time. I ended up meeting a girlfriend who is now my fiance. I was honest about my addiction from day 1 and she has been in the loop of every dose or anything I have taken or done. Her mom was a nurse and was in a terrible accident. She ended up getting on pain killers which led her down a path to death. My fiance is so scared i'm heading in that same direction and she doesn't want to lose me. She was put through horrible conditions when her mom would drag them to the hospital at all times of the night to just get a shot of opiates. My fiance was having to steal food to eat, and was living in conditions no child should have to. So after going through this I'm not sure what she saw in me. She said at first she would never thought she would have dated me because she had heard about me and knew what I was into. But eventually I won her heart and she was mine. Everyone instantly thought this perfect girl who was a A student was now doing drugs just from being with me. This didn't bother her. She ended up getting a full paid scholarship to a major university and went off to college. I attempted to apply there but didn't get in the first time so I continued my subutex and taking community college courses. I applied again and was accepted and went off to college.
During college I have had a tough time with school. We have had to drive home which is hours away when I would run out of medicine. She hates seeing me in so much pain and takes it very badly because she feels so helpless. She wants to take my pain away but she can't and its a bad feeling for her. We ended up saying I just couldn't do this anymore. I again found a suboxone doctor. I was on it for about a year and then tried to randomly one day after nitrating my dose to practically nothing coming off. I ended up making it through two weeks of hell and the withdrawals didn't ease at all. I ended up back on lortabs and then eventually back to suboxone. The second time I was on suboxone I was on it for 3 years. I never once relapse. This was the last 3 years of my life. I now have wanted to get off of suboxone and remember how hard it was since its got such a long half life. I decided I wanted to give it a shot this summer but didn't want to prolonged withdrawals from suboxone so I decided I would switch to lortabs again and try nitrating that. I planned on stepping down from hydrocodone to codeine to being off. I'm supposed to marry this wonderful girl who has since gotten a undergrad degree in education, a masters in special education and is now a teacher. I want a fresh beginning when we get married and I feel I owe it to everyone whos supported me through all my up and downs. We have attempted rehab for me but that was the worst case and never came close to working. I have a chance in 1 week to have a few weeks without anything I have to do and have a short time before i get married and I want to detox.
I'm looking for answers and help to detox. I have several things avaliable to me but I can never seem to make myself take them. I have prescribed Xanax, Ritalin (some left over adderall), clonodine, I ended up getting Imodium, Epsom salt, codeine and Promethazine syrup. I've been able to spread my usage out in 30-35mg dosing every 10-12 hours and i'm in pain for a lot of it. I don't get high or any good feeling but I feel normal. But when I try and drop at all I can't because I feel i'm in withdrawal. I don't know what to do! I want the best chance possible to get off this crap. I'm really sick of the pain and misery that this has caused me. Would It be possible to drop my dose of lortab to say 1 at a time if I combined it with any of the above medications? I've tried meditating and exercising but nothing seems to take my mind off the constant pill thoughts. I am down to 7 a day but that doesn't seem to do much as I think the suboxone jacked up my tolerance to lortabs. Some days i've taken 10. I'm really attempting to stay at 7. I want to make a jump down to 3-4. What can I do? I can't be in horrible withdrawals as I'm studying for finals that are this next week. I've thought about just switching to promethazine and codeine for a few days but am worried that it wont be strong enough and i'll be in withdrawals. I've thought about putting on a clonodine patch and dropping my dose of lortabs to 10mg at a time every 4-6 hours. I've thought about taking xanax and a low dose of lortabs. My issue is I'm so scared of drug interactions because I've seen people die off this shit.
Can anyone offer some advice for me in order to help me get my dose down dramatically. I know a lot of people say titration doesnt work but would any of the above drugs in combination help? When I go through withdrawals its so bad. I have the worst aches, hot cold flashes, and by far the worst is restless leg syndrome. All the typical withdrawal syndromes. I can't seem to get through withdrawals once. Why is it so damn hard for me? Why can't I just be happy without a drug? I'm scared because All I know is myself with drugs. I've been taking them daily in one form or another for almost 10 years. I know this is a point in my life where if I don't turn on the right road the road i'm on now leads down to death. This is a fact. And this is a sad fact considering I have a lot to live for. I have a wonderful fiance that is an amazing teacher and the best support I could ask for. I want a life and a family with her and I want my life without drugs. All of the above is a very small amount of the hell i've been through. I'm sorry its been so long and appreciate anyone that can offer any help. I truly am ready to be out of this nightmare. I'm just at a loss of how to do this. Thanks to everyone!
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.. you can do this and with the help of good support, including BL.. you can do this
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