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24 hours in.. Please help

Definitely woke up on the wrong side of the bed, you gotta stay focused and positive.
 
Hey little
ive been reading your thread-congrats on staying clean. I really dont think you are going through wd's again. You might just be legitimatly sick. Give it a couple of days and see if you feel better. Between the kidney stone and your immune system probably not at 100%, you probably got a bug of some sort. Dont give up your clean time now.
Keep doing all the positive things you are doing in your life. You are doing great
 
Thank you! I just know that tramadols can cause steps back and ibdont ever want to go through this never again. That's why ibtold the hospital no when they handed me a script for 35 percocet. I gave it back in exchange for tramadols. I won't give up i want to thank you guys for all of your support.
 
Glad to hear you passed your stones and you have a green light to start again.

littleevilpills said:
Just a quick question. So what made me quit is every time I crushed up a pill. I had it in my head that they were fake. Because I had gotten a hold of some fake vicodin and it scared the fuck out of me. It completely ruined my experience. No matter who I got them from. Even completely trusted sources like people I went to the pharmacy with and got the pills from them right out of the bottle and I saw them come right out of the pharmacy bag. In my mind. They still were fake. The buzz I got completely changed after that fake pill. It was like an anxiety high. Could this have helped in this process? I have a huge anxiety issue. That's why I never went to heroin. Because it scared the fuck out of me. Even though it took me out of withdrawals I still had an anxiety attack the first time I ever tried it. Never tried it again. I need to have my anxiety issues addressed because I had anxiety issues prior to my using. I just don't want anything addictive to fix the issue.
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This is a really profound observation. I don't believe in coincidences if that helps clarify where I'm coming from. In my own experience this is what happens. Medications serve a real purpose, that's why we get addicted to them. Back in the day they helped you. Now they are doing the opposite. That's about as clear a sign as you can get that you are ready. It's what happened with me with alcohol. The circumstances were very different. I was using alcohol to treat depression, and it worked for a while. I was able to go about my day and function. Then the opposite started happening. Alcohol was making me depressed. It gave me no relief. I clutched onto it anyways. I reluctantly quit many times but was fighting gravity. When I started to see the pattern happening in my life, not just intellectually but experientially, the shift was dramatic. Its like I got a support to quit and it was very different that time around. I wasn't fighting gravity. I wish I could say that was all it took. I was forced to deal with my depression. When things got really bad I did relapsed. Its like circumstances would conspire to put a drink in my hand. An old drinking buddy would show up and practically drag me out of my misery hole and into the bar. There were my fair share of useless journeys along the way. I learned a lot from them but it seemed cruel at the time. Like some big cosmic joke at my expense. The silver lining in all this is that your pills will never be the same. You'll never be able to enjoy them the way you did. You'll never be able to get the relief you once did from them. That journey is already complete. Not saying that the temptation to find that old comfort is over, but the futility of it will smack you over the head with a 2"x 4". When the anxiety kicks in remember you're reacting to ghosts from the past. "Here now, there then"
 
You're completely correct. At the end before I quit. The pills didn't do a damn thing. I kept thinking are these fake? Wtf is wrong with me? That is why I decided to quit. I couldn't keep enough pills in me to stay out of withdrawals. I had been withdrawal in for 3 days prior to my day 1 on here just couldn't figure out why. I think that's why it was so easy once I decided that it was time to kick the habit. You think? You nailed it right on the head. I can do a vike 5 and be bliwed right now but if I do it again tomorrow it won't do shit. It'll just retrain my brain to crave and send me into withdrawals again. Which is what I don't want. I am just scared that I am going to wake up in withdrawals from these tramadols in the morning.
 
Hows it going for you today? Feeling any better? I'm on day two for the third time in a week, so you're not alone man. It's not an easy thing to face, physically or mentally, but then again, I had no illusions that it would be. As they say, things could always be worse, and I know that's not what anyone wants to hear, but know that people coming off long acting opiates like suboxone, methodone or seeds/pods (not sure on this one, actually) are enduring 40+ days of acute WD. And millions of people have come off those drugs. I found a book by an author named Stanton Peele called "7 tools to beat addiction" (something like that, you'll find the title if you search the author). Definitely not for everyone, but for those that don't relate to 12 steps or the disease model of addiction, may find it of value. Just my $.02 - sometimes all that is needed is a shift in thinking, not at all unlike the experience you've had with the 'fake' pills. Hang on to that, as it may just be your saving grace.

About your preferred ROA, I worry about your sinuses. It hurts to think of the sheer quantity of powder you were putting through your nose on a daily basis for a relatively extended period of time. Count yourself lucky that you still have a nose. Seriously. Meditate on that for a bit and add it to your arsenal.

What another poster on this thread mentioned about confronting the negative emotions instead of running from them can be the difference between relapsing and getting sober. IME, there is usually something underlying the addiction, some compulsion. We aren't stupid people. Most of us are just trying to feel 'OK'. Something that is more painful to face than the addiction itself, which is why anyone would continue self destructive habits like railing vicodins despite the obvious risks. You'e But, I have found, that if you just sit with whatever is underneath the addiction, it can finally be seen for what it is. Don't run from it, and it will cease to chase you. You sound like an old school guy. Face it, resist the temptation to turn away from whatever you see when you peer into what is behind the addiction, which may just be a symptom of the larger problem.

Last bit of advice from someone that has endured acute WD more times than I can count: the mental chatter / fear of the unknown (which are really just two sides of the same coin) can be the most difficult obstacles to overcome for a lot of us. The less expectations you have going into each day and the more you are able to stay in the present throughout this thing, the better your chances. And you may just find that this is a skill that is transferrable to other areas of your life, such as work or relationships or anything really. Touch, feel, smell, listen, taste what is happening right now! I have actually found that even difficult things such as WD can be an opportunity to learn how to separate what is actually happening vs. the story (or the small embellishments we all make on reality) and begin to see as it is, instead of trying to get it to conform to your idea of what it should be like. Drop that fight, and you'll be surprised how much energy you have to tackle the other shit in your life.

Good luck man. There are many people on here with excellent advice that have been where you are. Learn from our mistakes, get clean, and don't look back. You got this.
 
Hey guys. I relapsed. I've been on tramadols for the last couple days and I purchased a handful of Vicodin. I have two Vicodin and 1 tramadols left. The tramadols put me right back into withdrawals when I woke up. I'm going to try again. I just need to get the willpower back up to do it. I'm being careful though because I know my tolerance isn't the same. 10 mg gets me blowed. I just am not too sure if I can go through three days of hell again. Maybe I'm not meant to do this.
 
Hang in there, please dont give up! Failure marks the path to success. If you really want to succeed chances are you will fail a few times before you ever make any real progress. This is true of most everything in life, not just getting off dope. Failure builds humility into our character. It teaches us perseverance even in the most painful of times.

You can do it once, you can do it again. 3 days of WDs is not easy, but compared to the problems an opiate habit creates, like the constipation and cramps alone are comparable to WDs and IME at times much worse than WDing. WDing is no fun but compared to all the pain opiates caused me over the course of the years I took them.. a few weeks of WDs weren't all that bad in hindsight. Try to think about where you want to be in the next year and on. I'm sure it's not stuck with a pocket full of pills at all times so you don't get sick and lose control, wasn't for me at least.. as much as I loved the high.

You won't know until you try if you can really do it or not. I was blown away when I read about your determination and grit, even when in severe pain from kidney stones. I hope you find some more of that spirit that captivated you and pull yourself out of this mistake.

try your best to put this behind you, no need to guilt yourself into feeling bad, you are not a bad person.
 
Mafioso man you give me energy lol. Energy that makes me happy and it makes me want to do this. I have tomorrow and Saturday off of work guys. I have 1 Vicodin left. I'm using it to get through work. I'm taking it in about 45 minutes. It should be a little easier this time around because I'm only on about 150 mg of tramadols and 10mg of Vicodin. I'll give it another shot. I can do this. Thank you guys ALL so fucking much for talking me through this and giving me hope when I don't have hope.
 
You might think of what you did as a taper. This time around should be much easier. You got this.
 
Not good nim fully blown back in addiction. I go on vacation in two days and don't want to go through wd so I just purchased 40 Vicodin to take with me. I'm just not sure if I can do this.
 
Dude, if you must take those 40 then taper. I know that's way easier said than done. Just curious, how much do you take a day?
 
The more I think about it the more I feel like you just don't want to stop taking them. Hydrocodone? If you bought 40 x 10 mg that would have lasted me 2-3 days. Go flush those or sell em and buy some imodium and benadryl and you will be done with this shit before you know it. You are obsessing over the pills dude. Let em go and go live your life with your very soon to be wife. If not at least tell her what's going on before you get married so she knows what she's getting in to.
 
I'd be taking a benzo say oxazepam in morning if ur really serious just to keep u on track otherwise ur anxiety will win n u will reach for opiate that's how I did it .
 
I do want to quit. I actually have been tapering down. I normally take about 60mg per day but I've been taking 25-30 mg per day since I got these and I'm okay on that. I'm tapering down to 20 mg today. And they're the 5mg m365 pills. I really do want to quit but I CANT be sick during our vacation. She knows I'm an addict. She just doesn't know I relapsed. So she does know pretty much what she's getting into. She knows my history with alcohol and pain pills. She helped me quit the first time. I'm not obsession. I'm addicted.
 
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