2 poems; Insecurity and Love Mutation

[LuVbUg080]

Insecurity

A body as an empty shell
Her rocking, rebellion stirs an emotion
A blink, a twitch
Shows a light's on in there
A flick of a switch
A slight spin of the wrist
There's a squall on the shelf
Spinning and kicking
And quietly hating herself


Love Mutation

Jaded and shaded
Lost pieces abraded
You find everything's muted
Too slow for your fast pace
Too fast for this slow race
Too hard on your soft face
Too solf that it's commonplace
Everything's changed but you
Sweet baby
I don't give a fuck if you want to go
I lost that lovin feeling
When you walked out the door.


Any postive feedback and/or constructive criticism would be more than appreciated. Thanks!!!

Jen

 

[LuVbUg080]

Hrrmmmm........ 3 days later and no replies. No "goddamn your writing sucks" or "goddamn awesome poems". Hrmmmmm...... ANY feedback would be great. ANY....


thanks

 

[plazma]

I'd meant to write a response to this yesterday, but got so damn busy I didn't have time. Relax, not everyone can read everything and a lot of people read things without posting.

I enjoyed both these poems a lot, and thanks for posting them in the one thread, it makes life a LOT easier than having multiple threads.

I think I like the first poem slightly more than the second one, though they are both extremely well written and worded. You have quite a way with words, and certainly the slightly off tempo rhyming makes these poems quite lyrical and catchy to read.

Very nice work, thanks for posting.

-plaz out-

 

[LuVbUg080]

Thank you