Sir Ron Pib
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Dec 13, 2012
- Messages
- 643
These are my testing notes for my somewhat difficult and possibly cathartic cyclopropanoyl-LSD trip from April 2016:
The night before the trip wasn’t good – drowned a few beers in depression, though we did save a baby Robin from our cat and return it to its nest in the hedge. After walking the dogs I pull out the tabs I had been going to take last Wednesday – they had been folded up and I now noted one tab – an edge piece - was as best as I can tell measuring about 1/7 longer than the other, so probably around 15ug more than expected, which I simply took as a sign of providence being as, to personify, the compound to be tested has sparked interest since it has essentially decided to self-manifest out of the process of lysergamide synthesis rather than being a direct aim. I didn’t feel good and had had a bit of a melt down this morning, but felt I need to crack on with the test despite low mood and perhaps some burn out from the range of ‘self medications’. A bit later than planned, at 11.20, I ingested the 3 tabs > 315ug. It started within 20 mins and I felt rough; normally I start trips fairly nonchalantly with little regard to how I feel and things pan out fine, but as the effects rose I got more and more uncomfortable and worried. I tried normal methods to smooth things out but nothing was helping, in fact getting worse, developing extreme anxiety and thoughts that this was a really bad idea and could go seriously and scarily wrong. I am on minimal opioids at present and don’t take them trip days, but took a small amount of codeine in case of residual cessation discomfort, and as the sense of panic grew I decided to take 5mg Diazepam. My mind was full of horrors. Though I have a friend who has quetiapine if necessary; getting the emergency services involved was unlikely to be a good idea; I didn’t want more benzos since I feared losing pilot function whilst being in a bad place with the trip increasing.
In bed I am a little calmer, if very uncomfortable, especially in the stomach, and shaking with cold, but I can’t connect to anyone – I cannot love or relate to others; I am still concerned about starting to trip deeply whilst seemingly devoid of any humanity.
2hrs has passed at least, and I keep myself busy making tea, but mentally I can’t move – there is no meaning – I can’t even feel some simple happiness, concern or connection to our pets. The suns glaring, I close my eyes and concentrate on the light as something hopefully positive and try cuddling Mingzu, but it feels a hollow action. The sun is intrusively bright. I try to express my isolation to my GF – do I like other humans at all really? I do ordinarily to some degree. They are somewhat alien to me; closeness is an issue – I have learned to correctly define and act out the social game, but how much of what I present is really at all me? Am I lost in this acting out of being a person? We discuss Aspergers syndrome – is this an excuse? Yet the problems are there.
I retire to bed – stomach pain continues; eye closed I am lost, open-eyed, things are turning strange and fear starts to rise again; I have felt very stoned throughout, like some facilities are gone and thinking/feeling isn’t fully there, which isn’t helping. I feel this could turn dark and nasty; paranoid and superstitious. As it deepens I wish I had a guiding light, shamanic ally, a God or higher concept to lead me through and stop me falling into potential madness. My GF reminds me we had an empowerment with the Dalai Lama eight years back linking us to Vajrasattva, of whom she brings out a hanging – which is some help – I then look out the window and chat about the lack of family structure we have, how mum hasn’t long to go (actually dies nearing 2 years after) and how hard a person to comprehend she is, about my level of perceived mental fortitude and losing those we love, including each other.
I am still feeling dicey and put on some Ravi Shankar – raga structure is formed on the basis of this higher purpose – I am overcome with grief; it (raga) is all a system of respect and meaning. I am doubled up crying – almost feeling loss for Pandit Ravi Shankar – I am taken back into childhood – we had an LP of Shankar’s I had studied on the behest of my father. I was told he was a serious musician and the music was worth analysis as such. We have some Indian in the family through marriage. My mum once told me my father had some belief in something higher; not sure if Hinduism meant a lot or was very well understood by him, but this music set me up well, as did other choices of his eclectic musical taste. I’m sobbing – not even sure why, but there is meaning here. It seems to me, if understood, despite a preponderance of flamboyant folky pagan superstition, and beliefs, at its base vedic cosmology/philosophy is a pretty reasonable potential template or model of existence or ‘basically ontologically correct’ as Leary put it. Rain starts to pour down, which is nice.
Phone: Fooks sake work rings! my GF heads them off explaining I had organised with management and needed tomorrow off, despite the ensuing chaos at work.
I feel a lot more light-hearted; and watch one of the parent robins whose offspring was saved last night fly the length of the garden, landing in a fastigiate shrub only a couple of feet in front of me and chirruping madly; it is quite a vision and as I stare becomes a complex silhouette abstracted through xmas card illustration geometric stereotype holly leaves and a 2D fractal grid for sky. These illusions given further dynamics, then the arrival of sleet then snow – so every form of weather today.
For a while things are relatively mundane – we chat more about Aspergers, work relations etc. I also then reflect over my drug use where obsession meets a level of self-medication and habituation – to what degree is this constant cocktail of substances creating problems and to what level is it self-medication? Weed set a bad example when I was young regarding not facing life straight and seeing it as a constant self sufficiency and replacement for human connection and a bubble against problems – but yet to what degree is it all a coping strategy and medicating for internal and interpersonal problems that weren’t helped by an outside agency? Humpf.
Fancy some light-hearted industrial bubble gum pop courtesy of Elaine Walker/ZIA. Then sit through a performance of Michael Harrison’s vocal work “Just Constellations” utilising the 2nd, 3rd and 7th harmonics from the overtone series; it is stunning, highlighting the harmonic beauty of music set free of the none-shall-see-beyond conceptual straight jacket of modern western tuning practice and a further example of Just intonations synthetic qualities. By serendipity Youtube moves to ‘Music of the spheres’ by Joep Fransscen who I haven’t heard of but immediately like and get lost in this for a good while (a later listen straight finds it modern choral pap that can’t hold a candle to old dead composers). I am very stimulated. I chat to my GF about various difficulties – the difficulty to love, connecting and not compartmentalising, and how it is sad to watch someone you love get old. I go into a state of total grief again, curled up weeping.
With some reverence I clean and prepare the bamboo tea tray and yixing tea pot and we sit fairly formally down for some Da Hong Pa oolong tea.
After this it is a slow ramp down with somewhat melancholic mood, from 8-9hrs the stimulation is very strong indeed, food sits heavy but with meclonazepam bed and sleep is achieved despite residuals without problem by bedtime, the total duration being a good 12hrs
The night before the trip wasn’t good – drowned a few beers in depression, though we did save a baby Robin from our cat and return it to its nest in the hedge. After walking the dogs I pull out the tabs I had been going to take last Wednesday – they had been folded up and I now noted one tab – an edge piece - was as best as I can tell measuring about 1/7 longer than the other, so probably around 15ug more than expected, which I simply took as a sign of providence being as, to personify, the compound to be tested has sparked interest since it has essentially decided to self-manifest out of the process of lysergamide synthesis rather than being a direct aim. I didn’t feel good and had had a bit of a melt down this morning, but felt I need to crack on with the test despite low mood and perhaps some burn out from the range of ‘self medications’. A bit later than planned, at 11.20, I ingested the 3 tabs > 315ug. It started within 20 mins and I felt rough; normally I start trips fairly nonchalantly with little regard to how I feel and things pan out fine, but as the effects rose I got more and more uncomfortable and worried. I tried normal methods to smooth things out but nothing was helping, in fact getting worse, developing extreme anxiety and thoughts that this was a really bad idea and could go seriously and scarily wrong. I am on minimal opioids at present and don’t take them trip days, but took a small amount of codeine in case of residual cessation discomfort, and as the sense of panic grew I decided to take 5mg Diazepam. My mind was full of horrors. Though I have a friend who has quetiapine if necessary; getting the emergency services involved was unlikely to be a good idea; I didn’t want more benzos since I feared losing pilot function whilst being in a bad place with the trip increasing.
In bed I am a little calmer, if very uncomfortable, especially in the stomach, and shaking with cold, but I can’t connect to anyone – I cannot love or relate to others; I am still concerned about starting to trip deeply whilst seemingly devoid of any humanity.
2hrs has passed at least, and I keep myself busy making tea, but mentally I can’t move – there is no meaning – I can’t even feel some simple happiness, concern or connection to our pets. The suns glaring, I close my eyes and concentrate on the light as something hopefully positive and try cuddling Mingzu, but it feels a hollow action. The sun is intrusively bright. I try to express my isolation to my GF – do I like other humans at all really? I do ordinarily to some degree. They are somewhat alien to me; closeness is an issue – I have learned to correctly define and act out the social game, but how much of what I present is really at all me? Am I lost in this acting out of being a person? We discuss Aspergers syndrome – is this an excuse? Yet the problems are there.
I retire to bed – stomach pain continues; eye closed I am lost, open-eyed, things are turning strange and fear starts to rise again; I have felt very stoned throughout, like some facilities are gone and thinking/feeling isn’t fully there, which isn’t helping. I feel this could turn dark and nasty; paranoid and superstitious. As it deepens I wish I had a guiding light, shamanic ally, a God or higher concept to lead me through and stop me falling into potential madness. My GF reminds me we had an empowerment with the Dalai Lama eight years back linking us to Vajrasattva, of whom she brings out a hanging – which is some help – I then look out the window and chat about the lack of family structure we have, how mum hasn’t long to go (actually dies nearing 2 years after) and how hard a person to comprehend she is, about my level of perceived mental fortitude and losing those we love, including each other.
I am still feeling dicey and put on some Ravi Shankar – raga structure is formed on the basis of this higher purpose – I am overcome with grief; it (raga) is all a system of respect and meaning. I am doubled up crying – almost feeling loss for Pandit Ravi Shankar – I am taken back into childhood – we had an LP of Shankar’s I had studied on the behest of my father. I was told he was a serious musician and the music was worth analysis as such. We have some Indian in the family through marriage. My mum once told me my father had some belief in something higher; not sure if Hinduism meant a lot or was very well understood by him, but this music set me up well, as did other choices of his eclectic musical taste. I’m sobbing – not even sure why, but there is meaning here. It seems to me, if understood, despite a preponderance of flamboyant folky pagan superstition, and beliefs, at its base vedic cosmology/philosophy is a pretty reasonable potential template or model of existence or ‘basically ontologically correct’ as Leary put it. Rain starts to pour down, which is nice.
Phone: Fooks sake work rings! my GF heads them off explaining I had organised with management and needed tomorrow off, despite the ensuing chaos at work.
I feel a lot more light-hearted; and watch one of the parent robins whose offspring was saved last night fly the length of the garden, landing in a fastigiate shrub only a couple of feet in front of me and chirruping madly; it is quite a vision and as I stare becomes a complex silhouette abstracted through xmas card illustration geometric stereotype holly leaves and a 2D fractal grid for sky. These illusions given further dynamics, then the arrival of sleet then snow – so every form of weather today.
For a while things are relatively mundane – we chat more about Aspergers, work relations etc. I also then reflect over my drug use where obsession meets a level of self-medication and habituation – to what degree is this constant cocktail of substances creating problems and to what level is it self-medication? Weed set a bad example when I was young regarding not facing life straight and seeing it as a constant self sufficiency and replacement for human connection and a bubble against problems – but yet to what degree is it all a coping strategy and medicating for internal and interpersonal problems that weren’t helped by an outside agency? Humpf.
Fancy some light-hearted industrial bubble gum pop courtesy of Elaine Walker/ZIA. Then sit through a performance of Michael Harrison’s vocal work “Just Constellations” utilising the 2nd, 3rd and 7th harmonics from the overtone series; it is stunning, highlighting the harmonic beauty of music set free of the none-shall-see-beyond conceptual straight jacket of modern western tuning practice and a further example of Just intonations synthetic qualities. By serendipity Youtube moves to ‘Music of the spheres’ by Joep Fransscen who I haven’t heard of but immediately like and get lost in this for a good while (a later listen straight finds it modern choral pap that can’t hold a candle to old dead composers). I am very stimulated. I chat to my GF about various difficulties – the difficulty to love, connecting and not compartmentalising, and how it is sad to watch someone you love get old. I go into a state of total grief again, curled up weeping.
With some reverence I clean and prepare the bamboo tea tray and yixing tea pot and we sit fairly formally down for some Da Hong Pa oolong tea.
After this it is a slow ramp down with somewhat melancholic mood, from 8-9hrs the stimulation is very strong indeed, food sits heavy but with meclonazepam bed and sleep is achieved despite residuals without problem by bedtime, the total duration being a good 12hrs
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