dear bremkat
you are incredibly kind to me but thank you I don't think I'm capable of change. More importantly my sick brain has a jonah complex so I'm scared of change, success, the transition to death. I basically just get off on the endgame, the ultimate experiences, the trips, the ego death, the actual dying and actual death. It's all I want "for me" now. I want life/love for the rest of the world.
I don't want to have to sit by and watch people I love get sick and die. It's tearing my mind apart and I was very close to mentally breaking down and killing myself last year over grief.
I don't know why I can't just get help and get back on my feet. Other than determinism I don't know what is possibly causing this because there longer seem to be causes just effects to outside-this-universe actions.
I know I sound crazy and ya'll gonna tell me STOP ABUSING PSYCHEDELICS CAPTAIN. I can't. I want to get in as many awesome experiences as I can.
YESTERDAY I WENT INTO A PROLONGED KHOLE. I went to the bathroom. I TRIPPED BACK AND RELIVED ENTIRE, AND I MEAN ENTIRE 10+ HOUR LONG TRIPS FROM MY YOUTH.
Then I looked up AND I WAS OLD AND TOTALLY OLDER THAN THOSE TRIPS. I WENT BACK IN TIME TO TRIP AGAIN. You can bounce from thought to thought; manifest it. We're only in this frame of time because it's what we're OBSERVING. All of time has ALREADY HAPPENED. It was SO COOL.
I tell my friends about the type of crazy trip shit I experience and I get blank stares most of the time. One dude seemed to get it yesterday. I hope I shared a good amount of my shit because I'm not greedy but my vision is pretty bad. Then again this shit is pretty "I want" so I think I shared nicely. GOD he was so hot. It's the guy I AM NOT EVEN HOOKING UP WITH but totes would, he's fucking GORGEOUS. I would tell him that to his face but that's uhm... off putting or overwhelming to some to get a really good sexual compliment.
fuck every day I wake up sweating from PTSD and it's so gross. Even if I wake up calm my body does not.