💀 The Abyss 💀 (Open 24hrs)

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this is ridiculous, my mum is still not home and im DYING to take another line, im a little drunk of the ciders so thats easy to mask to her, so time is what i have to abide to
 
bremkat said:
this is ridiculous, my mum is still not home and im DYING to take another line, im a little drunk of the ciders so thats easy to mask to her, so time is what i have to abide to
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I feel you man. I'm not dying to do another line/shot like it's not a serious wish.

I kind of want to be a better person but I know I'm incapable of it.

In b4 devilsgospel says "CAPTAIN YOU HAVE FREE WILL". Yeah sure it appears that way. It's illusory. The most I can do is change my observations/thoughts. Zero impact on objective reality. Society will either take care of me or it won't. I'll either then appear to take care of myself or I won't. It's all largely or entirely not in my volitional control.
 
bremkat said:
just phoned my mum (toscope out where she was) and she wont buy me more cider lol
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that's sweet of her to sometimes do that though.

My parents are so sick of my shit that I dreamed my family were asking me to be homeless last night. And sadly I think it's actually in their minds but they can't actually ask me to do something they wouldn't.

I wish they just would because I really don't care. I'll make sacrifices for the fam. I can't provide and I'm supposed to be a provider (GENDER ROLES LUL). I mean I fit the gender role of a man pretty well aside from being a MONUMENTAL FUCK UP junkie. Things would be easier if I had a vagina / tits then I could REALLY get to TWERK.
 
dear bremkat

you are incredibly kind to me but thank you I don't think I'm capable of change. More importantly my sick brain has a jonah complex so I'm scared of change, success, the transition to death. I basically just get off on the endgame, the ultimate experiences, the trips, the ego death, the actual dying and actual death. It's all I want "for me" now. I want life/love for the rest of the world.

I don't want to have to sit by and watch people I love get sick and die. It's tearing my mind apart and I was very close to mentally breaking down and killing myself last year over grief.

I don't know why I can't just get help and get back on my feet. Other than determinism I don't know what is possibly causing this because there longer seem to be causes just effects to outside-this-universe actions.

I know I sound crazy and ya'll gonna tell me STOP ABUSING PSYCHEDELICS CAPTAIN. I can't. I want to get in as many awesome experiences as I can.

YESTERDAY I WENT INTO A PROLONGED KHOLE. I went to the bathroom. I TRIPPED BACK AND RELIVED ENTIRE, AND I MEAN ENTIRE 10+ HOUR LONG TRIPS FROM MY YOUTH.

Then I looked up AND I WAS OLD AND TOTALLY OLDER THAN THOSE TRIPS. I WENT BACK IN TIME TO TRIP AGAIN. You can bounce from thought to thought; manifest it. We're only in this frame of time because it's what we're OBSERVING. All of time has ALREADY HAPPENED. It was SO COOL.

I tell my friends about the type of crazy trip shit I experience and I get blank stares most of the time. One dude seemed to get it yesterday. I hope I shared a good amount of my shit because I'm not greedy but my vision is pretty bad. Then again this shit is pretty "I want" so I think I shared nicely. GOD he was so hot. It's the guy I AM NOT EVEN HOOKING UP WITH but totes would, he's fucking GORGEOUS. I would tell him that to his face but that's uhm... off putting or overwhelming to some to get a really good sexual compliment.

fuck every day I wake up sweating from PTSD and it's so gross. Even if I wake up calm my body does not.
 
bremkat said:
mums home, just took the dog for the shortest of walks, got berated for asking her to buy me alcholol, now LINE TIME! Fuck yeah
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It didn't hurt your feelings? Wow nice.

I'd feel like a piece of shit but I tend to get down on myself a lot.

I apparently must have a disabled anti-reward center that doesn't know when to not be a buzz kill. What i like to do disables this part of the brain through AMPA temporarily.

Not like any of this matters. If I was a well adjusted doggo I'd go borking and at least get one more decent trip in today while I still have time off. But I'm too depressed. I kind of feel like going into the real world for a while but it doesn't deserve me. Nothing does.
 
Captain.Heroin said:
that's sweet of her to sometimes do that though.

My parents are so sick of my shit that I dreamed my family were asking me to be homeless last night. And sadly I think it's actually in their minds but they can't actually ask me to do something they wouldn't.

I wish they just would because I really don't care. I'll make sacrifices for the fam. I can't provide and I'm supposed to be a provider (GENDER ROLES LUL). I mean I fit the gender role of a man pretty well aside from being a MONUMENTAL FUCK UP junkie. Things would be easier if I had a vagina / tits then I could REALLY get to TWERK.
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fuck mate, my parents took me in from being homeless, iv been so far down im gracious just to have food on my table, fuck it lets get high!!
 
bremkat said:
fuck mate, my parents took me in from being homeless, iv been so far down im gracious just to have food on my table, fuck it lets get high!!
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My parents don't 'live here and I wouldn't accept going to live back with them even if they were. I am just too much of a fuck up.

I am in benzo wd "ACCORDING TO OTHERS" it just makes me manic and I like the energy.

I KNOW I'm in CANNABINOID WITHDRAWAL and it is KICKING MY ASS I have to have a dab before I start acting out or hurting myself. Every other thought in my head is planning suicide (I KNOW TOTES MENTALLY HEALTHY RIGHT). I'll get past this, I think.

It would help if I could stay anesthetized for a while.
 
It just dawned on me BREMKAT'S parents are helping him out and he probably has a chance. My fam is actively trying to give up on me and I love it. This is the universe's way of calling me into death throes. It feels pretty awesome and exhilarating but I guess scary at the same time because I don't like change and I like y'all so much. <3
 
Captain.Heroin said:
My parents don't 'live here and I wouldn't accept going to live back with them even if they were. I am just too much of a fuck up.

I am in benzo wd "ACCORDING TO OTHERS" it just makes me manic and I like the energy.

I KNOW I'm in CANNABINOID WITHDRAWAL and it is KICKING MY ASS I have to have a dab before I start acting out or hurting myself. Every other thought in my head is planning suicide (I KNOW TOTES MENTALLY HEALTHY RIGHT). I'll get past this, I think.

It would help if I could stay anesthetized for a while.
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shit man i had to stop the weed coz all we have is super strenght yakuza skunk that makes you para, literally too strong you know
 
Captain.Heroin said:
It just dawned on me BREMKAT'S parents are helping him out and he probably has a chance. My fam is actively trying to give up on me and I love it. This is the universe's way of calling me into death throes. It feels pretty awesome and exhilarating but I guess scary at the same time because I don't like change and I like y'all so much. <3
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thank you, my mum is an angel but my dad and i dont get on but mums the boss so i get to stay lol
 
bremkat said:
shit man i had to stiop the weed coz all we have is super strenght yakuza skunk that makes you para, literally too strong you know
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I don't get paranoid from meth or cannabis so I can use high potency shatter and it's just brain candy to me. It really sucks because I don't have much left and am going broke like a sick bitch.

WHY DID YOU SPEND $ ON PSYCHEDELICS IF YOU NEED WEED
because I could have blown through what I had on shatter depressed/solo anyways it wouldn't have been worth it.

WHY DON'T YOU ACCEPT HELP FROM OTHERS
Pride. And pride is a sin. And I'm a sinner. I would feel better dying alone. I don't know why. I would explore that more but it's kind of hard to choose what your mind perceives ALMOST AS IF MY PERCEPTIONS ARE ALSO BEYOND ANY VOLITIONAL CONTROL. Haha.

Zero free will. Everything is orchestrated, programmed, planned. Everything. THEY THOUGHT THIS ALL OUT BEFORE HAND...
 
Soso78 said:
That’s a good way to re pay them pickin u up out the gutter. Gettin drunk and high.
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To be fair that's why I don't let anyone help me out because I know I can't do better and I don't want to disappoint anyone I love. It's a bad feel.

Leave bremkat alone though because shame normally makes ppl just use harder.
 
Captain.Heroin said:
I don't get paranoid from meth or cannabis so I can use high potency shatter and it's just brain candy to me. It really sucks because I don't have much left and am going broke like a sick bitch.

WHY DID YOU SPEND $ ON PSYCHEDELICS IF YOU NEED WEED
because I could have blown through what I had on shatter depressed/solo anyways it wouldn't have been worth it.

WHY DON'T YOU ACCEPT HELP FROM OTHERS
Pride. And pride is a sin. And I'm a sinner. I would feel better dying alone. I don't know why. I would explore that more but it's kind of hard to choose what your mind perceives ALMOST AS IF MY PERCEPTIONS ARE ALSO BEYOND ANY VOLITIONAL CONTROL. Haha.

Zero free will. Everything is orchestrated, programmed, planned. Everything. THEY THOUGHT THIS ALL OUT BEFORE HAND...
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i think you and i in person would make a brainstorm hurricane. Your on my level dude
 
reasons why I like BREMKAT and DOPEM

they at least sympathize with my sob story and don't try to force me off a ledge but paint a picture where I don't have to jump. That's some kindness I didn't expect/don't deserve and I love ya'll so much. <3
 
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