8(You didn't depress me running fox (how could you... your username is too nice LOL), I was already depressed! I had to talk to my friend about opioid addiction for like an hour (her shift was having tech difficulties) and it was really therapeutic. My friend was just like, nobody should have to build up these feelings like that for so long and she's right. I was so boiled up inside even before I started using hard drugs that I was perpetually infuriated... so angry. Never had anyone to talk to as I was shy. A lot has changed nowadays.
I also do journal writing, I have written in script pages upon pages upon pages about stuff like the progression of the disease (codeine - hydrocodone - oxycodone - maybe oral morphine - dilaudid - fentanyl - heroin - rehab / death / jail / psych ward - suboxone - methadone - heroin - rehab / jail / death) I just write about the cycle like that. I write vividly about the 5 times I shot up in sheer desperation, because I find it not a nice thought that I would do that to myself. It is almost traumatic that I did that, and all the people I hurt without really knowing what was going on, as I was caught up in the euphoria.
And yes that is the hardest thing! I was an addict long before I tried heroin : ) I hated myself! It started off with binge drinking all the time, and chain smoking pot, then I tried to change my brain with mushrooms and acid as much as I could (this did NOT help, it was not the right time for that!) then I got fucked up even more from the emotional pain and everything, I couldn't talk to women at all never had a girlfriend so in college I abused Mdma, alcohol, cocaine a lot often in the same night.
Then, I started getting really fucked up, but it wasn't so much the drugs. I had a severe back injury... I always knew to stay away from opiates subconsciously like I never ever even thought about trying heroin I'd be like WTF heroin really? Coke on a party night yeah but... wtf that is a suicide wish. Anyways, after I had been in excruciating physical agony for 2 years in my early 20's, fucked up spinal agony, I said fuck it and got a gram of heroin. I didn't like it at first, but I sure liked those 1mg dilaudid pills my ex-girlfriend gave me so that I wouldn't be in pain when we travelled to NYC. That is the first time I got high, even though I had tried heroin and decided I didn't like it. I realized I just had the dose wrong... took too much, even though it was a little pinch back then.
It is NOT about putting up with the person they become when they are not high. It is all about transforming into the person who they want to be. Otherwise, an addict will remain an addict for life and this does not have to be so. Transformation is totally possible, I mean we are not even made up of the same molecules and atoms and subatomic particles from day to day... everything is transient. This is what I have been working towards. I want a job that I like (I love the job I found / that found me since I got clean, I just need more money but it's a start, I haven't been able to hold a job in like 2 years it's sick!)... then I want a beautiful foxy little wife, and I met someone I really really like through work already, and we are getting quite close and plan to hang out again. The first time we hung out, it was supposed to be 2 hours and ended up being 15, since we were caught up having so much fun with each other, we went like all around the city doing random shit haha.
I could just sit here thinking about how shitty my life is. I could dwell on how I didn't have a sex drive for years, and sort of ruined my past two relationships and how what girl would want to be with a recovering addict. Well, in fact, it turns out that the sexiest cutest loveliest lady I honestly ever met doesn't seem to give a fuck because she sees the potential in me, because I see it too and we know it is there, and she likes me for who I am, and if it isn't her it will be somebody else. It is all about positive thinking like that, because the reality around you is a mirror image of how you feel internally.
I could sit here wallowing in self pity about how I pretty much destroyed a very straightforward career path after getting an amazing degree, and might be a millionaire at my age if I hadn't fucked around with drugs and hated myself so much. How I spent well over 100 grand in 5 years on a stupid drug to rail up my nose and lost sight of everything. It doesn't matter. What matters is that I have a job I actually really enjoy now, that is teaching me a lot of things (like how to be a good parent, and also a second language I am learning Mandarin it's crazy!).
Could sit here thinking about how shitty I am at guitar (I'm not) but like I didn't practice for so many years because I was too busy hating myself. Instead, I am making sure to practice daily now, and I am making some kickass music.
It's all about transforming your life like that instead of being so dissatisfied with who you presently are that you end up hating yourself and turning to drugs for relief. A lot of the time, people will chase high after high until they find the right one and you guessed it... heroin is the end of the line. A lot of people end up dead, in jail, with track marks all over not only their arms but entire bodies, in and out of rehab, relapsing, going to jail for stealing from innocent people, they can become sex slaves, it is horrible.
And then when someone like that tries to get clean, they are haunted by those memories. In that case, I think serious therapy would be required, because you guessed it... heroin will numb those feelings right out so you don't even think about them ever when you're high. In my case, I am lucky. I am simply left with the excruciating back pain I had to begin with. I lost five years of my life, but I never overdosed or died. I had a consistent connect for very pure H, that was the same quality and appearance every single time so it reduced the overdose risk, as the quality control was around the same as with oxycodone pills, also, I was making around 4k a month after taxes so I only ended up selling my possessions after my sickness had progressed to the point that I became too unreliable to work. That is when shit got really bad. I started losing everything, and I literally spent 3 months in bed this year... probably more. I would honestly say I spent 6 months of this year laying in bed and I am just shy of 30... that's fucked!
I just don't give a fuck! All I care is that I am alive and well, feeling happier than I ever have before, I have learned to accept myself because I'm fucking awesome lol, I have been more open with people and made new friends, and talk to people everywhere, I am helping so many people through my work. One thing I had to do, was let go of a lot of friends who were drug addicts. I couldn't handle the negative energy from friends who were cocaine addicts, even though I don't like cocaine, and was trying hard to help, they took out their problems on me so I just started making new and healthier friends.
You really have to turn your life around to not be an addict anymore. The change can come from within overnight... it is simply training yourself to have a positive attitude towards life and yourself. But, to clean up the hurricane after a heroin storm... LOL. I will probably be doing that for the next decade! I just don't give a fuck I'm honestly SO happy that I'm alive. If I had died OMG like my younger brother, he was one of the only people who knew I was hooked, and never told my parents or anyone. Since we are best friends like that, but if I had died on him... like that shit would haunt him for the rest of his life. This is what I mean by selfishness in addicts. I am not actually a selfish person as all I want to do is help others right now, including myself, and like I am a vegetarian and stuff because I prefer not to hurt animals to sustain myself. However, during active addiction I was exhibiting traits of extreme selfishness. I was so miserable, I could not see anything but hate and took it out on a lot of people. I was simply an asshole as an addict. I'm not anymore, or this foxy chick wouldn't even be talking to me! We never would have met up and chilled out like that!
Sure I get depressed as FUCK sometimes about all this, I mean it ruined so much of my life and left me fucked up and traumatized. But, I have really great friends to talk to and that's all I need. My one friend, she is just like anytime! and always willing to listen she is so chill, I just give her ounces of chron lol since she spends way too much money on herb I'm like here... I got like an HP I don't give a fuuuuuuuuuuuuuck. And she is sketching my next tattoos, I am encouraging her to become a tattoo artist as she is really that artistic, her drawings are beautiful. And like nobody ever really appreciates them she just does them for herself.
There is a lot more to unbecoming an addict than just stopping using drugs, and you don't even need to stop using drugs. Just not living for them and obviously staying clear of whatever the drug of escape was. I still smoke a lot of pot, and trip the fuck out but I don't give a fuck about that stuff it's not addictive to me! And I'm not just talking physical dependency. That doesn't even really matter, it just makes it way harder to stop. More like, escaping from who you really are in a perpetual cycle of abuse.
Anyways, I am happier than I have ever been and I don't know what the future holds in store for me, but today is a new day! Who knows, maybe this foxy friend of mine will be not-so-sick that we can hang out, as when I finally got a second date she caught the flu on me8( silly cute lady, she overworked herself to the point of exhaustion with two jobs (ours is tiring enough fuck like I'm up every day at 3am, working midnights and stuff, and then she works days)... and I could progressively see her getting tired and sad, then nauseous in the mornings, then sick. Now, I'm pretty sure she has been laying in bed sleeping for 2 days. lol. Too cute. I offered to bring her homemade broccoli soup and essential oils and a heating pad, but she is just that sick lol. Needs alone time.
I need get sick so I was asking my friend last night (she helps me a little with talking to my crush) like... what does the flu feel like? Cause I was wondering how bad she was feeling, as she is bedridden and had to take days off work and I took her shifts haha. So I described opiate withdrawal symptoms and she was like WTF NO it's not like that... that sounds fucked. And she's like I'm so stoned right now it's like I'm living this experience, as I was describing to he in vivid details all the horrors that came with my habit, how I got caught up in it and stuff. Def need good friends like that... real friends. In tough times you will find out who your real friends, and hopefully make new supportive friends too if you are receptive to that and not blocking out the world around you. I blocked out the world for so long, since I hated myself so much, that even when I was sober I could not actually see the world around me. People would talk to me like when I was out and about, and I would be in such a daze of misery I'd be like uhhhhhhhh... I'm like a social butterfly now lol in my own psychedelic brain fried fucked up way. My friends boyfriend was like... dude is so chill, you don't realize you JUST met the guy. Probably the nicest compliment I ever received since I used to be so shy
