Brief Background
I came from a very confusing family. One that was piously righteous and while also struggling with more demons than I could count. One of those demons was me. Another was drug abuse. My mom became an ardent diet pill user in the 90s, and in the early 00s became a severe ambien addict - an addiction she's maintaining 13 years later. I remet my real dad in 2006 and he started snorting painkillers and xanax shortly thereafter, I'm pretty sure he's moved up to heroin recently.
By the age of 10, I had overdosed twice on ritalin. I really fucking hated ritalin, honestly. I hated everything about it and it was very much administered against my will. After the second overdose, they switched me to adderall. I was also placed on sedatives to counteract the influence of the stimulants.
In my teens, I was very ardently anti-drug. Then, by some gracious miracle of god, I was hit with wave after wave of uncontrollable nausea that left me bedridden for months on end. One of my doctors pulled me aside and said to give marijuana a try if I were down with that. Big deal for a southern state in late 2008. Alas, I did not give in until my real dad finally got tired of hearing about my nausea and smoked me up one day. Shit. I lasted almost 19 years without recreational use of anything. If only I would have known, lol.
I started drinking later in 2009, and in early 2010 had my first experience with percocet, that beautiful devil.
Add some sexual abuse to the mix in the 2011-2012 period and the end result was someone very strung out on amphetamines of various sorts. I also started drinking
very heavily around early 2012. I gradually became quite fond of amphetamines between that percocet experience at 19 and roughly 23. oh, morphine, how I love you so~
Substances
In chronological order, first abuse, not first use: marijuana, percs, xanax/kpins, cocaine, amphetamines, alcohol, morphine, heroin.
Duration
2009 - present, though mostly paused at the moment. (I don't now, nor did I ever have the intention of quitting everything.)
Adverse Effects
I don't have a family anymore. I never had much of one to begin with (that's probably a part of the problem), but my relationships soured with them so drastically that I basically ended up variously living with them and being totally out of contact with them. One of them I haven't talked to in years, one I haven't talked to since December 2014, and another since December 2015. (It's not that complicated, adoptive+biological.) I don't have any contact whatsoever with my brother, now 15ish, outside of fb. Haven't seen him since mid-2014 and we were close as fuck so that one really hurts. I don't know my younger sisters or youngest brother, haven't been allowed around them.
I woke up one day in 2012 and all my friends were just... gone. It's like my entire history as a socialite just vanished into thin air. Nobody was left. In three years. lol. It took until late 2015 to even start recovering that shit.
My health was never the greatest but it's definitely a lot worse now, exacerbated by some of these drugs. I don't know which ones relate to what but I have an ulcer from the drinking, shitty memory from the ganja, weird moodiness no doubt related in some way to the amphetamines or opiates, and of course, the main ongoing problems with lovely lady addiction herself.
I failed out of university when the drug use got extra serious. I've lived with various friends for the past few years floating around the country but never been able to hold down a job or have my name on a lease. Plus, my use of drugs to cope with things and avoid emotional development seriously stunted my growth, which I only started to recover in late 2015. it's hard as fuck to even get into a relationship if you basically froze your development at 19, which was effectively a big 15 anyway.
Warnings/Advice
I have the obligatory "don't do heroin" message. It hasn't yet been as much of a problem for me as it has for many of my friends that I've seen come and go, but I still say to everyone that asks me about it: don't fucking do it. Just don't. Even if it doesn't get you right away (didn't get me right away), it verrrrrrry likely will get you. I haven't even used it in a while and it's been on my mind so much the past little bit that I know exactly where I'm going.
That being said, I did the whole "my idols used it!" thing too and very much know that it's hard as fuck to beat that romance once it starts. So fuck my advice there, I guess.
If you're somebody who hasn't done drugs at all, which is weird as fuck for a place like this, don't start. If the only thing I had done was weed, I would still be considerably worse off than I ever wanted/needed to be. Some people will disagree with this because there's this thing where everyone wants to pretend that weed is a pure and golden angel which can do no harm. I will say that for some people that's pretty wrong. It enabled my worst tendencies in a way very few hard drugs could touch. That's where the shittiness in weed comes from. It's mostly benign healthwise, I guess?
Potentially unpopular message: do whatever the fuck you want to do anyway if you don't give a fuck about life and death. As I indicated earlier, I don't ever want to quit everything, even with all of these negatives and stuff. Why? Because I would be considerably more dead from suicide without drugs. CONSIDERABLY. LIKE. COMPLETELY. When it's accidental overdose vs. death by your own hand, which one is the losing option? I'm not here to choose for anybody.
Misc
I moved in early 2015 to escape all the drugs and all the negative shit holding me down where I was originally from. I accidentally moved in with a guy who sold weed. From the day I got out until October, I was always at least stoned, often doing a dance with morphine, my one true love. Then in October, I said I'm tired of doing drugs every day and just... stopped?
Yes, it sucked ass. Morphine withdrawal is never a fun thing.
In the time since, I've stayed mostly sober, no real solid relapses in the sense of going back to something. You can't relapse if you never really intended to quit, right? Well, wrong, but whatever.
I think since October I smoked weed a few times (keep in mind that weed was, I believe, my biggest problem *mentally* speaking), had some vicodin, some liquor... and somehow managed to live with a straight edge person without them kicking me to the curb? I think that's a hella accomplishment in itself.
On the bad side of things, I feel heroin calling me. I never really had problems with it like I did other things, probably because I never had consistent access to it, but now that I made certain friends... well... damn. That's basically why I came to post this. Heroin is some scary shit and I know where I'm headed. Onward to the next adventure in literal nightmares!
![:\](https://bluelight.org/xf/BL_Images/Orig_Emoji/wrygrin.gif "wry grin :\")
