Recovery ⫸⫸ THE RECOVERY THREAD 2021 ⫷⫷

[Jabberwocky]

did another 10k this morning and it went way better than last week. only a minute faster but it was super icy. main thing is though, i did not have to crawl up the stairs when i got home.

 

[Jabberwocky]

did another 10k this morning and it went way better than last week. only a minute faster but it was super icy. main thing is though, i did not have to crawl up the stairs when i got home.

I walked a mile home from my date after having just 1 drink and a salad. Mentally and physically healthiest day in quite some time.

 

[tired of crap]

Well I’ve got over 3 weeks without booze. And my cannabis use is at a “healthy” level, for me lol.

My mood is kinda low as I’m really not working. Often just sit around playing video games. And vaping too much lol ... but im getting better: at both the video game and vaping lol. I’m down to 3mg/ml of fb nic (I started at 50 about 2 months ago).

I’m trying to be more active, both physically and mentally. I’ve picked up juggling again and I’m even learning some new tricks (admittedly it’s pretty basic lol). And I’m even getting out for a walk almost every day. More physical activity would do me good though and I’m hoping to incorporate that soon.

 

[Chem-man]

We are having the normal crappy winter weather where I live, which is a drizzly freezing rain kind of day. I thought I would give a quick update on my recovery.
I took my last hydrocodone & oxycodone on November 15th of 2020. On November 18th my family doctor started me on Suboxone.
That medicine has been a life saver for me. I know there are many on here (bluelight) that seem to discourage its use, certainly with good reason from their own personal experiences, but it has been nothing short of a miracle for me. I think there seems to be a kind of stigma with it like I took the easy way out and that I am still dependent on another opioid, but I just couldn’t seem to pull it off by myself.
I know I can’t thank everyone on here enough. Even though I wasn’t posting I was reading for a long time and trying to duplicate what others on here had accomplished but somehow I couldn’t get all the pieces to work for me.
Anyway, I’m not saying Suboxone is the right path for everyone. I know I have to deal with a taper eventually but I am fortunate that I have a very understanding doctor who shared with me that he is recovering from his own dependency of alcohol.
Suboxone has given me what I needed right now, and that is ‘time’. Time to cut ties with everyone that I was sourcing pills from and time to get my work back on the right path. My wife is awesome, couldn’t have done it without her.
Anyway, that’s my update. I hope I can help some other folks along the way. One thing is for certain, I’m not critical or judge mental of anyone. Addiction is a beast and everyone is trying to deal with it in their own way.

 

[Jabberwocky]

sounds like everyone is doing well!! @Atelier3 glad you had a good date, @tired of crap 3 weeks without booze is excellent, well done, certainly getting more physically active will help with your mood. i find i really have to go out in daylight hours, its too cold and depressing at night.

@Chem-man i'm so glad suboxone is working well for you- i've never been on maintenance cos i just saw people with double habits on methadone when i was using, and i'd just buy people's scripts so i had backup when i couldn't score. i know NA is pretty against it but from what i understand the evidence suggests that maintenence has a positive effect in helping people getting their lives back on track. certainly cut ties with anyone you get pills from!! get your wife to block and delete all numbers, including any texts you have etc so you can't easily get the contacts back. if you relapse you will find connects but making any mental hurdles might make you think twice.

 

[SunriseChampion]

@Atelier3 Mate, you sound right sorted out. :D

@chinup I also did a 10k yesterday....walked it though. It was like -5 and windy so much colder but I still managed to get a slight burn on my scalp (I'm a skinhead) which is interesting for a January day.

I'm moving this Saturday (or the Saturday after) if they can have my new flat upstairs ready by then and I'm kinda trippin because I'm having four mates come and help me and it's basically expected that I buy them a flat of pints (and food). It's going to be weird not drinking with them....not sure I even want to not drink after the move.....but it'll only have been four weeks and I'm supposed to go til March.

Feeling fucky about it.

And it doesn't help that if I do drink, it won't really have any consequences. Like, I know I can do a one-off and go back to straight edge right after.

But I guess even wondering about what to do means I shouldn't.

 

[Jabberwocky]

wow i hope your scalp isn't too painful @SunriseChampion! i am surprised you got burned. i've seen people get burned heads once in summer time in Namibia but not in winter in northen climes!

i honestly wouldn't worry too much about having a few beers with your friends if you know it won't result in a lapse back to heavy drinking. but, if its making you feel bad, then that's another thing entirely, and may mean you'd be better not to drink until you read your goal of being sober in March.

now january is nearly over, though it has an unofficial early ending for my boyfriends birthday, so i'm thinking about next steps. my bastard boyfriend said he was planning to do 'dry feb' cos he failed dry jan. i was not happy about that so talked him down to drinking once in feb, which given its a short month would be once every two weeks and thus less drinking than he did in january. if i can drink once a fortnight i'll be happy. if it leads back to drinking every night and not being able to sleep sober then i'll give in and go back to complete abstinence.

 

[Jabberwocky]

@Atelier3 Mate, you sound right sorted out.

Yes. I’m really surprised about the condition I and my life are in. Shocked might be a better worse for it. I could not have imagined it even 3 months ago, when it felt like I would never get of out my bedroom or the grip of meth. In recovery they talk about ‘doing geographicals’ in a really negative way - but a change of scenery and perspective can do wonders. I only moved across town and got some minor distance from some toxic habits and people and it was all I needed to start thinking in a really fresh way about the possibilities of my life.

I’m can definitely still feel the effects of the last year though. I kind of feel a bit disorientated all of the time and concentration is sometimes a bit challenging. I also feel quite a bit run down and nauseous most of the time. Like I’m aching in my bones. But I don’t really have any anxiety or depression - that’s the surprise and what I was really afraid of for so long. I either feel neutral and quite productive or genuinely happy and enthusiastic. Except a lot of time on BL - but I can’t seem to let that go as easily as the meth for some reasons.

 

[Jabberwocky]

@Atelier3 i take it you don't really eat when you're using meth? i usually feel quite nauseous and uncomfortable if i go from not eating to eating again but it does resolve itself over time.

will the concentration issues partly be ADHD related or is it over and above that? tbh i feel like i've had quite a significant cognitive decline, even though its the first time in my life i've been doing mentally challenging things while being completely clean.

had quite a good evening. did an exercise video, practised guitar, then played this super fun game called guacamelee.

 

[Jabberwocky]

@Atelier3 i take it you don't really eat when you're using meth? i usually feel quite nauseous and uncomfortable if i go from not eating to eating again but it does resolve itself over time.

will the concentration issues partly be ADHD related or is it over and above that? tbh i feel like i've had quite a significant cognitive decline, even though its the first time in my life i've been doing mentally challenging things while being completely clean.

had quite a good evening. did an exercise video, practised guitar, then played this super fun game called guacamelee.

It feels like my ADHD has ramped up to about 12/10. Hopefully it will dial back down in time and be treatable again with sensible doses of Rx stims. I’m giving myself another week before trying to serously recommence writing up my dissertation.

For a year I lived on muesli bars, yoghurt, and tinned fruit once a day so my digesrive system prob needs time to recover too

 

[SunriseChampion]

wow i hope your scalp isn't too painful @SunriseChampion! i am surprised you got burned. i've seen people get burned heads once in summer time in Namibia but not in winter in northen climes!

Nah, it's not bad...it IS January after all, so the sun is quite low in the sky, though overhead still....Toronto is pretty far south....same latitude as southern France and northern California! It's only cold here because of the jet stream which allows Arctic air to come this far south in this part of the continent, and actually, the Great Lakes provide a very mild micro climate which is why he have great wine regions here in spite of it sometimes getting Arctic cold.

I've burnt my nut in the summer before and that was the REAL deal.
I'd love to visit Namibia!

i honestly wouldn't worry too much about having a few beers with your friends if you know it won't result in a lapse back to heavy drinking.

Well, it will be heavy drinking hahaha, but no, it defo won't lead to regular drinking right after. I don't get triggered like that at all.

but, if its making you feel bad, then that's another thing entirely, and may mean you'd be better not to drink until you read your goal of being sober in March.

See, it's kind of like me and exercise....I think I make myself feel bad for no good reason sometimes. I think I have standards that I impose on myself that are not necessarily desirable nor beneficial. I think it stems from my childhood and being a "disappointment" to every adult in my life which lead to later depression and self-esteem issues which I still deal with today.

And in any case, drinking once now and then not again til the second week of March would still be a decent state of being, I reckon.

. i was not happy about that so talked him down to drinking once in feb, which given its a short month would be once every two weeks and thus less drinking than he did in january. if i can drink once a fortnight i'll be happy.

Sorry, I think I missed this but how often were you drinking? Like, daily/almost daily? Once a fortnight is a fine way to be if that was the case.

if it leads back to drinking every night and not being able to sleep sober then i'll give in and go back to complete abstinence.

Yeah, that wouldn't be good. Near the end of the holidays, I was getting to this point as well. I was able to sleep but had massive problems falling asleep. Took a while. This has been getting progressively worse over the years after drinking. Ten years ago, no problem getting to sleep on Sunday evening.
In my case though, I can't tell if it's the drinking or the fact that I stay up laaaate (like all night) when I drink which fucks with my circadian rhythm.

Yes. I’m really surprised about the condition I and my life are in. Shocked might be a better worse for it.

Shocked! That's a good fucking surprise though, eh? ...in this case.

I could not have imagined it even 3 months ago, when it felt like I would never get of out my bedroom or the grip of meth. In recovery they talk about ‘doing geographicals’ in a really negative way - but a change of scenery and perspective can do wonders. I only moved across town and got some minor distance from some toxic habits and people and it was all I needed to start thinking in a really fresh way about the possibilities of my life.

This is interesting and I think it may have to do with your age and the wisdom in terms of self-awareness that comes with that.
I have many many friends who have tried to solve their personal problems by moving somewhere new. Including the one who lives in Perth, WA now!
I found through people in my life that you always bring the problems with you.

And all you had to do was move across town! Maybe it's a function of you knowing exactly what your issue was/is and were able to clearly see how to deal with it?

I’m can definitely still feel the effects of the last year though. I kind of feel a bit disorientated all of the time and concentration is sometimes a bit challenging. I also feel quite a bit run down and nauseous most of the time. Like I’m aching in my bones.

I can't imagine I'd feel any better after what you went through.

But I don’t really have any anxiety or depression - that’s the surprise and what I was really afraid of for so long. I either feel neutral and quite productive or genuinely happy and enthusiastic.

That's great! You were so worried about that based on previous experience. Glad you're not dealing with that fuckery! :D

Except a lot of time on BL - but I can’t seem to let that go as easily as the meth for some reasons.

Hey, mate.....some addictions are at least not acutely dangerous to your health.

 

[SunriseChampion]

... then played this super fun game called guacamelee.

That just sounds like you guys are mashing each other in the head with avocados.

 

[Jabberwocky]

I'd love to visit Namibia!

Namibia was sweet, the desert was amazing. right now i'd love to go anywhere that's not england!!

See, it's kind of like me and exercise....I think I make myself feel bad for no good reason sometimes. I think I have standards that I impose on myself that are not necessarily desirable nor beneficial. I think it stems from my childhood and being a "disappointment" to every adult in my life which lead to later depression and self-esteem issues which I still deal with today.

i do completely the same. and then get myself in trouble with other people cos i impose the same impossible standards on them. it really is difficult to let go of using, essentially doing things 'well' in your conception that is really an impossibly high standard, as a stick to beat yourself with cos its so easy to justify

And in any case, drinking once now and then not again til the second week of March would still be a decent state of being, I reckon.

certainly!!

Sorry, I think I missed this but how often were you drinking? Like, daily/almost daily? Once a fortnight is a fine way to be if that was the case.

yes daily or almost daily, and i take benzos when i drink which doesn't help on the sleeping front.

That just sounds like you guys are mashing each other in the head with avocados.

its a metroidvania where you're a luchador, its got 2 player option so we play together. its mexican day of the dead themed with skeleton baddies and thoroughly endearing. plus you get this power to turn into a chicken and its fucking dope.

hope everyone is doing well this morning. i have a new meeting at 9- which has been put in my calendar by someone else with no explanation every day forever so i'm mega pissed. its fucking disrespectful to take 2.5 hours out of someones working week in perpetuity without even telling them why. i fucking hate meetings!!

 

[SunriseChampion]

right now i'd love to go anywhere that's not england!!

I'd love to visit England as well! I was supposed to this May, along with Holland but that's all out the window because of the fucking plague. Maybe next year.

You come here, and I'll go there...we'll switch! So long as "greatest city on Earth" isn't Birmingham in your case.

yes daily or almost daily, and i take benzos when i drink which doesn't help on the sleeping front.

Yeah, add benzos and I don't even understand the level of a problem that might have been. The only time I've "drank daily" is on holiday in Europe or the Caribbean, so I don't even really know what that's like as the holiday for me acts as a switch. On, off.

You're doing really well!

hope everyone is doing well this morning.

Waiting on my doctor to ring me. I had some sort of cardiac event last night during my calisthenics workout. I pushed myself pretty hard, and have been having palpitations since the spring that have gotten much fewer and farther in between since, but came at me last night.
I suddenly got lightheaded and had to lie down and as I'm lying on the floor, I feel my heart skipping beats. It's never happened to me whilst exerting myself before....it's always happened in a rest state.
In the spring, my doctor reckoned it was stress, which at the time was a likely explanation, if I'm being honest......now though? Stress is gone.
Had a mystery viral infection in mid-March and the problems started around then....am wondering if it may be latent effects of that infection.

Or alcohol-related cardiotoxic effects maybe? My doctors keep telling me I don't drink enough to be that fucked though.
It's been trippy.

i have a new meeting at 9- which has been put in my calendar by someone else with no explanation every day forever so i'm mega pissed. its fucking disrespectful to take 2.5 hours out of someones working week in perpetuity without even telling them why. i fucking hate meetings!!

What kind of creepy system is that?
Just another reason why I wouldn't do well in an office work environment.

 

[Chem-man]

Stress and anxiety can do some crazy things @SunriseChampion . Even though you don’t feel stressed, like resting in bed or something, it can still give you symptoms. Count me as someone who had to do the treadmills and cat scan only to be diagnosed with stress.

 

[SunriseChampion]

Stress and anxiety can do some crazy things @SunriseChampion . Even though you don’t feel stressed, like resting in bed or something, it can still give you symptoms. Count me as someone who had to do the treadmills and cat scan only to be diagnosed with stress.

Yeah, I think it might be stress. I was so burnt out from work last year and super stressed about it since spring, about the time the symptoms started. The thing is, I think I only got more stressed about this one particular project as the year went, but my symptoms subsided as the year went on.
The project is still stressing me out as their is a deficiency that I can't figure out that I'm dealing with and it's not fully done yet owing to having to wait on other work to be completed before I can finish mine.
It could be that.

Oddly, as last year went on, I started drinking more and more and smoking again and that directly correlated with the symptoms diminishing in severity and frequency.

Maybe getting lit relaxed me enough to not feel as stressed to the point of somatisation?

I hope it's just that.

My doctor referred me back to my cardiologist who I saw last in 2015 after I had similar symptoms but twice or thrice within a week. Now it's been going for almost a year.

Hopefully the cardiologist laughs me out of the room and the medical pros prescribe me a regime of thrice-weekly Negronis and one cigarette a week on a Sunday. :D

 

[Jabberwocky]

There is nothing worse than having neurological or cardio symptoms and not knowing if they are related to your drug use and therefore possibly temporary or whether they are related to some other condition.

My general sense of discomfort has got worse over the last day or so. I am wondering if quitting long-term meth can actually lead to dopamine excess. My thinking is that your receptors might be so fucked that they react to even normal or less than normal of dopamine as if you have too much. I seem to have quit a few ‘excess dopamine’ symptoms rather than ‘insufficient dopamine’ ones. Possibly being exacerbated by re-starting Rx dexamfetmine (though only very small dose).

I’m going back to dr tomorrow to get results of all my blood tests and am actually feeling hopeful they show some simple to clear up organic disease.

 

[Jabberwocky]

@Atelier3 and @SunriseChampion hope you both get to the bottom of your symptoms and they are easy to treat. i would try to be optimistic though as otherwise the feeling of dread will create weird symptoms on its own, or exacerbate what you're already feeling.

You come here, and I'll go there...we'll switch! So long as "greatest city on Earth" isn't Birmingham in your case.

ha no, manchester. i used to hate birmingham cos getting past it going south is a nightmare due to traffic. but i have a bit of a soft spot for it now cos my rehab was near there.

i was invited to those annoying meetings by mistake!! hurrah!! but yes, every job i've had, other people have been able to put stuff in your calendar with no explanation, but usually i'd know what it was and be expecting it, this was out of the blue.

did 5k before work, 40s faster than my fastest time this year, and only 20s slower than my fastest time since i got into recovery, so pleased with that.

 

[SunriseChampion]

i would try to be optimistic though as otherwise the feeling of dread will create weird symptoms on its own, or exacerbate what you're already feeling.

I am trying to destress, in case that's the cause. There was also a correlation between me starting a yoga and breathing exercise regimen last fall and relief of symptoms. It's probably stress.
I'm optimistic that it's stress! :D

ha no, manchester

I'm cool with Manchester! Be right there!

did 5k before work, 40s faster than my fastest time this year, and only 20s slower than my fastest time since i got into recovery, so pleased with that.

Nice one.

I went for a hike in some pretty deep snow today up north, in the bush. Hiking in snow is extra work....kinda like traipsing through deep sand, for all you warm weather people. It's the reason skiis and snowshoes were invented, but fuck that, the harder the work, the better the payoff.

 

[Jabberwocky]

lets hope its stress @SunriseChampion i guess if you know something that eased similar symptoms before you at least have something to try and if ir doesn't help that will be useful info for your doctor.

well yesterday marked the unofficial end of january as it was my boyfs birthday so we bought drinks and takeout.... and i fell straight asleep when we started watching a film after eating so can't really say it was a great night. not too hungover this morning but feel guilty for knocking myself out, didn't really get any of the euphoric buzz that makes drinking actually fun either. if its the same the next few times i drink i think i'll be ready to mentally let go.