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Recovery ⫸⫸ THE RECOVERY THREAD 2020 ⫷⫷

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chinup said:
@somnilicious thanks so much for your really touching post. right now work is a massive stress, and money, since i had to take over the full cost of my house when my housemate moved out. and i'm fed up with being fat, well fatter than i've ever been. not sleeping well for months is not helping.

i got through the day clean and took some proactive action and left work early to go to a meditation class. i felt like my brain wouldn't settle but it did calm me a bit then i got some nice food to have a decent dinner cos i've not been eating actual meals recently.

i'm still going to NA but mostly just once a week. you definitely get to the point where you want to actually have a life. plus for me right now the kitten needs so much attention i am stuck at home a lot, so less meetings. i haven't done any step work in nearly a year and feel fundamentally stuck at step 3. i feel like the courses i'm doing at the buddhist centre serve a similar purpose but i don't have to do any mental contortions there. so i can't blame you for wanting to explore something else cos thats exactly what i am doing!!

i honestly thought a few months back i'd never use again. that i'd 'escaped.' part of me feels guilty about giving people on here hope cos i just feel like i'm almost certainly gonna relapse in some sense, hopefully just a lapse, and have no idea how to stop myself heading that way.
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I'm really sorry that you're going through a tough time. You're talking about relapse as if it's something inevitable that you have no control over, but I'm sure a part of you knows that's not the case, else you'd be doing it right now. No matter what you're going through, and I can guarantee that you know that when the drugs run out you'll realize that they weren't the answer and you'll feel worse & wish you hadn't done it. Have you admitted to anybody in real life how you're contemplating relapsing and viewing it as something that's definitely on the horizon?? I've found that talking things through with someone in person can make a giant difference to how I feel and to how I view something, even if I have to force myself because I really don't feel like doing it.
 
I drank some wine. And that got me
through for a while .

Finally I slept. I fell asleep dreaming of my Cptn. Crunch. Awe just kidding.

now i am torn between not to dose, a headache,
or to dose. it was helping my headache.

headaches for me are a predictor of another underlying condition. i am not sure yet what it could be. if i got diagnosed with something i hope it can be quick.

i took an opioid yesterday and now i am going to have a really horrible time for the next few days along with the pain. 💔

anyway, i barely know what is going on sometime.
thank you for this thread As Well. hybro♡
 
somnilicious said:
Have you ever taken a meeting into a detox facility? It's a great way to remind yourself of the consequences.
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i haven't, i don't know how you'd set about doing that over here but i should take a look. or at least find a meeting people in rehab go to. as i wrote in an earlier post, i've been trying to remind myself of the really dangerous consequences of using based on my own experience, but it feels like another life now, so long ago.

rio i haven't had the guts to say in real life how i'm feeling to anyone. i told a friend when i was struggling on thursday just by text, and she has been supportive. i feel like she's put a lot of hope in me and she is really struggling so i wouldn't want to put anything on her that makes her feel worse, she self harms badly and is frequently suicidal.

i'm feeling a bit better today, always feel better on friday cos i won't have to go to work. realised at park run this morning i have a lot still to work on. i smashed my pb by 20s. but, there was an event and loads of girls from my high school were there and i was just seething with hatred. its not their fault they got sent to a school that turns people into stuck up entitled cunts. then that got me thinking about how much i hated primary school and my teacher there for refusing to treat me like one of the 'intelligent' kids, despite me being one, or help me when i was being bullied. and also two occasions when i was under 10 involving people saying they had seen me naked, i don't know if they had or not, i doubt it, but the people they said it to were all like 'ewwww' and it made me feel so ashamed of my body.
 
chinup said:
i haven't, i don't know how you'd set about doing that over here but i should take a look. or at least find a meeting people in rehab go to. as i wrote in an earlier post, i've been trying to remind myself of the really dangerous consequences of using based on my own experience, but it feels like another life now, so long ago.

rio i haven't had the guts to say in real life how i'm feeling to anyone. i told a friend when i was struggling on thursday just by text, and she has been supportive. i feel like she's put a lot of hope in me and she is really struggling so i wouldn't want to put anything on her that makes her feel worse, she self harms badly and is frequently suicidal.

i'm feeling a bit better today, always feel better on friday cos i won't have to go to work. realised at park run this morning i have a lot still to work on. i smashed my pb by 20s. but, there was an event and loads of girls from my high school were there and i was just seething with hatred. its not their fault they got sent to a school that turns people into stuck up entitled cunts. then that got me thinking about how much i hated primary school and my teacher there for refusing to treat me like one of the 'intelligent' kids, despite me being one, or help me when i was being bullied. and also two occasions when i was under 10 involving people saying they had seen me naked, i don't know if they had or not, i doubt it, but the people they said it to were all like 'ewwww' and it made me feel so ashamed of my body.
Click to expand...
Your body is beautiful just the way you are <3

I am not the hottest guy but I am fairly cocky. Someone comfortable in their body is so much harder than a hot person not owning it. Human bodies are beautiful. Don't be ashamed.
 
chinup said:
i haven't, i don't know how you'd set about doing that over here but i should take a look. or at least find a meeting people in rehab go to. as i wrote in an earlier post, i've been trying to remind myself of the really dangerous consequences of using based on my own experience, but it feels like another life now, so long ago.

rio i haven't had the guts to say in real life how i'm feeling to anyone. i told a friend when i was struggling on thursday just by text, and she has been supportive. i feel like she's put a lot of hope in me and she is really struggling so i wouldn't want to put anything on her that makes her feel worse, she self harms badly and is frequently suicidal.

i'm feeling a bit better today, always feel better on friday cos i won't have to go to work. realised at park run this morning i have a lot still to work on. i smashed my pb by 20s. but, there was an event and loads of girls from my high school were there and i was just seething with hatred. its not their fault they got sent to a school that turns people into stuck up entitled cunts. then that got me thinking about how much i hated primary school and my teacher there for refusing to treat me like one of the 'intelligent' kids, despite me being one, or help me when i was being bullied. and also two occasions when i was under 10 involving people saying they had seen me naked, i don't know if they had or not, i doubt it, but the people they said it to were all like 'ewwww' and it made me feel so ashamed of my body.
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Awww...don’t let people from high school make you feel bad.
I am sorry that happened.
People can be so mean sometimes.
Do not let that make you feel ashamed.
You have to kick off guilt and shame.

Believe me, everyone has things that they feel guilt or are ashamed about,
Everyone!!

Forgiveness is a wonderful thing.
Forgive yourself.
It sure makes you feel lighter and so much better to just drop those heavy burdens.
You do not need to carry those anymore Love.
Drop them!

You are wonderful just how you are. Flaws and all!
You are Loved also.
Carry on.
❤️
 
Captain.Heroin said:
Feeling an immense sadness and still going through grief but I can't stay sad.

I am in physical pain. I cannot underscore how bad I have felt as of late.
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I am sorry to hear you are hurting so bad Captain. 😔

You probably strained yourself while being in that manic state for so long.
I am here if you want to talk.

I hope you feel better real soon.
Take care my friend.
❤️💋🌹
 
Painful One said:
I am sorry to hear you are hurting so bad Captain. 😔

You probably strained yourself while being in that manic state for so long.
I am here if you want to talk.

I hope you feel better real soon.
Take care my friend.
❤💋🌹
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I inadvertently almost died like a lot. I dont want to get into details.

Its not somethin i am proud of but not ashamed. Numb.
 
I have been having headaches since august now,

that is never a good sign.

i probably have damage from
hitting my head too much,

why cant it just end fast
why why why
i will take a year and a half, tops.

please do not anyone comment on this.
period. bottom line.

some of us are suffering. badly.
 
Hylight said:
I have been having headaches since august now,

that is never a good sign.

i probably have damage from
hitting my head too much,

why cant it just end fast
why why why
i will take a year and a half, tops.

please do not anyone comment on this.
period. bottom line.

some of us are suffering. badly.
Click to expand...
I am right there with you hun it's GOING TO BE OK, the pain MIGHT STOP if you don't know what it's from HOLD ON for us <3

I'm in so much pain :|
 
Hold tight there guys, just worry about keeping yourself safe and as happy as possible for the rest of the day. Worry about tomorrow tomorrow.

💪
 
i live in CORONA VIRUS land where everyone sneezes on their kids as tissue paper and I have to hold back my rage at them because I would have literally flipped my shit

I literally can't just worry about tomorrow tomorrow I'm one of those people I'll wake up in a bad situation and start losing my shit

every day is carefully coordinated
 
So a drunk guy I was helping out of his sobbing mother's car into the detox I work at bit me over the weekend and I had to go to the hospital.
He was later removed by the police .
Kind of goes to show when helping someone can go horribly wrong. :/
 
chinup said:
i haven't, i don't know how you'd set about doing that over here but i should take a look. or at least find a meeting people in rehab go to. as i wrote in an earlier post, i've been trying to remind myself of the really dangerous consequences of using based on my own experience, but it feels like another life now, so long ago.

rio i haven't had the guts to say in real life how i'm feeling to anyone. i told a friend when i was struggling on thursday just by text, and she has been supportive. i feel like she's put a lot of hope in me and she is really struggling so i wouldn't want to put anything on her that makes her feel worse, she self harms badly and is frequently suicidal.

i'm feeling a bit better today, always feel better on friday cos i won't have to go to work. realised at park run this morning i have a lot still to work on. i smashed my pb by 20s. but, there was an event and loads of girls from my high school were there and i was just seething with hatred. its not their fault they got sent to a school that turns people into stuck up entitled cunts. then that got me thinking about how much i hated primary school and my teacher there for refusing to treat me like one of the 'intelligent' kids, despite me being one, or help me when i was being bullied. and also two occasions when i was under 10 involving people saying they had seen me naked, i don't know if they had or not, i doubt it, but the people they said it to were all like 'ewwww' and it made me feel so ashamed of my body.
Click to expand...

A similar thing happens to me when I stop using. Bad memories and insecurity can come flooding in with the clarity that sobriety brings, and it's often an unpleasant experience and a contributing factor to my constant urge to relapse. It's so much easier when we're high and we don't have to think about anything - the slow, hazy cognition on heroin is surface-level and tinged with euphoria, and I think the pendulum swinging the other way and suddenly being mentally assaulted by recollections of things we'd rather forget and the negative emotions associated with them is part of our brains correcting itself, I guess?? I know that with extended sobriety it gets a lot better. I hope you find a way to come to terms with your issues. Try and remember that the bitches you went to school with are probably pretty unhappy people themselves - cruel people are usually not satisfied with their own lives.

Hylight said:
I have been having headaches since august now,

that is never a good sign.

i probably have damage from
hitting my head too much,

why cant it just end fast
why why why
i will take a year and a half, tops.

please do not anyone comment on this.
period. bottom line.

some of us are suffering. badly.
Click to expand...

Have you been to a doctor? From reading your posts it seems like you have a collection of mental & physical issues and they sound torturous. Do you have some kind of diagnosis to work with?

Captain.Heroin said:
I am right there with you hun it's GOING TO BE OK, the pain MIGHT STOP if you don't know what it's from HOLD ON for us <3

I'm in so much pain :|
Click to expand...

Sorry to hear that captain. I know you're feeling shitty at the moment, but how have you been recently? Has there been any overall improvement as of 2020 in your emotional/mental state?

D's said:
So a drunk guy I was helping out of his sobbing mother's car into the detox I work at bit me over the weekend and I had to go to the hospital.
He was later removed by the police .
Kind of goes to show when helping someone can go horribly wrong. :/
Click to expand...

That sucks, but if you try and help someone and it doesn't go to plan - even if they throw it back in your face - you've still done something positive and I think trying is enough to earn the boost in self-esteem and satisfaction of knowing that at least you're trying to be of service to others. People often try and conditionally help others on their own terms, and feel betrayed or cheated if the recipient of their help doesn't fix their lives and conform to what their helper expects them to be, but that projection in itself is a little selfish. I think it's far better both for the person you're helping and for your own mental health if when you help others you try and do it from a place of no expectations or strings attached, that way if it does work then you can feel pleased about it, but if it doesn't then at least you won't feel betrayed & shitty, turning what should have been a positive event into a stressful one.
 
just depression and slight headaches now.

i do have arthritis/sciatica to work on too.

the medical flower always helps with the slight pain.
 
hey all. i'm still fucking exhausted. don't understand why i keep waking up so early when i am so tired. taking friday off work to try and rest and catch up with the boring shit i haven't been doing while i've felt so shitty. thank you all for your support.

i'm still clean but still feel like using is somewhat inevitable. even yesterday at the buddhist centre, which usually fels so good for my soul, i couldn't stand it. feels like a bad sign.
 
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