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Losing the things you love

Altered Perception

Altered Perception

Bluelighter
Joined
Dec 13, 2010
Messages
414
Location
On a big Island surrounded by sharks.
I know that losing the things you love is all a part of life. We lose friends, relationships and other loved ones, we lose opportunities to say and do things that may never come around again, we lose our hobbies and passion due to changes in health and circumstances...I hate change and I accept it is inevitable but some of us cope better at moving on then others and I just seem to really suck at it. I get hung up on all the things I lost. I try not to think about it, pretend it never happened but then one trigger is enough to bring it all back.

This is going to sound petty but something as basic as looking at pictures of ecstasy pills brought back flooding memories of a past life I had which I can never do again. I miss the feeling of MDMA and I am really sad that I will never be able to experience it ever again. I am not after pity, but I just wanted to get it off my chest that I lost my health to an overdose on amphetamines 11 years ago and it damaged my Autonomic Nervous System resulting a chemical sensitivity to the very substances I loved taking. I now live with a variety of symptoms including temperature problems which is only made worse by even basic substances that stimulate or depresses my nervous system. I know without a doubt taking ecstasy now would be suicide for me.

I assume this is what what it must feel like for a an ex-football player with amputated legs to watch a football game. It makes you wonder "how did I ever do that" because it feels so out of your reach in your current state. Its not just the Ecstasy I miss but it is the whole package of a night out at a rave party dancing on drugs into the morning. When you lose a precious part of your identity do you just find contentment in memories? How do you cope with loss and a change of lifestyle?
 
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it's a buddhist/daoist type philosophy.
if you don't get attached to things then you don't struggle to hold on to them.
attachment causes suffering.
sooner or later, everything dies or changes, nothing is permanent other than the true Self
 
..... but leads to a necessarily sparse emotional existence.....
I prefer the nihilistic statement; "Nothing is true, everything is permitted."

we can't control what we fall in love with, any more than we can stop the cascade of a waterfall with a wish.
its how we react to love that determines it's course, and often it's aftermath.
 
Reading the responses about the Buddhist and Nihilistic way of life gave me some strength. Thanks guys. Changing my perspective on life is a good start to accepting loss. My biggest mistakes in life have always been to constantly chase the feelings that gave me the most happiness.

I need to find contentment with memories and experiences rather then wanting to constantly re-experience and repeat it all over again.
 
kaywholed said:
love nothing, lose nothing.
Click to expand...

I loved my son with every fiber of my being. I lost him to despair (via an overdose). It now hurts in every fiber of my being, everyday. The last thing I want to do is to stop loving. If anything, it has opened me to the suffering of others and the only thing I can see to do now is to try to love deeper and as selflessly as I can.
 
Herbavore, my losses pale in comparison to yours and my heart goes out to you. But I can relate to one thing and that is the pain of suffering hurts so much that just imagining other people going through the same pain makes you feel so much more compassion for them. Losing my health, independence, friends, social life and everything I loved has changed me as a person and I too have become a lot more capable of empathy and aware of other people's suffering. Stay strong and have faith you will be re-united one day.
 
I believe that everything happens for a good reason including those events we might consider to be bad, reflexively. There's a lot of good that can come through change, but if it wasn't for change we might be repeating old mistakes. I hope you come to terms with life as it is, rather than life as it was.
 
kaywholed and pastel hit the nail on the head. The root cause of suffering comes from attachment. Taking the world as it comes, and goes, will allow one to live a contented life.

It sounds like you've got the right idea though. Enjoy the memories, but don't dwell on them. :)
 
Altered Perception said:
Herbavore, my losses pale in comparison to yours and my heart goes out to you. But I can relate to one thing and that is the pain of suffering hurts so much that just imagining other people going through the same pain makes you feel so much more compassion for them. Losing my health, independence, friends, social life and everything I loved has changed me as a person and I too have become a lot more capable of empathy and aware of other people's suffering. Stay strong and have faith you will be re-united one day.
Click to expand...

I don't think your losses "pale in comparison". They sound profoundly life changing and I am so sorry. While I do not agree with Snarky91^ that everything happens for a good reason I do agree that much good can come from loss. "Coming to terms with life as it is" for me actually means finding ways to accept sadness while continuing to be open to the gift that life is, even in pain, even in grief. My son gave me many gifts, not the least of which is learning that I can still treasure life with my heart cracked wide open. It sounds like your circumstances have given you a similar gift. Thank you for your kindness.
 
Dave said:
...... The root cause of suffering comes from attachment.
Click to expand...

you're forgetting that even with the most abysmal lows, come soaring heights.
there is balance in all things.
to deny oneself the experience of either possibility, necessarily limits one's perspective.
blinders may keep you on the road, but you'll miss the scenery for sure.
 
True. I think that they key is to still experience things, but don't hold on to them. Like clouds passing overhead.

It's not an easy thing; I really tend to hold onto my lows for some perverse reason, but can enjoy the better times without expecting anything of them. A bit imbalanced, but an improvement upon latching onto the lows so hard that the good times were either non-existent or not noticed.
 
I like the image of the clouds passing overhead. And, yeah, latching onto the lows was something that was practically a vocation for me in my teens. Life without the emotions though is not life--I know for me life always has been and always will be more intense than for my more even-keeled friends. But that's how I like it. Learning to sit with pain and fear when it comes is no different than learning to appreciate and feel serenity and joy when that comes. Again, the cloud image.
 
I'm not sure if you enjoy poetry at all but One Art by Elizabeth Bishop captured this whole idea very well for me.

The art of losing isn't hard to master;
so many things seem filled with the intent
to be lost that their loss is no disaster,

Lose something every day. Accept the fluster
of lost door keys, the hour badly spent.
The art of losing isn't hard to master.
Click to expand...

there's a link to the rest of it: http://www.poemhunter.com/poem/one-art/

it's really short.

I agree with the view that pain is a part of having attachment to things you can lose but that's what life is about.
 
RobotRipping said:
I'm not sure if you enjoy poetry at all but One Art by Elizabeth Bishop captured this whole idea very well for me.



there's a link to the rest of it: http://www.poemhunter.com/poem/one-art/

it's really short.

I agree with the view that pain is a part of having attachment to things you can lose but that's what life is about.
Click to expand...

I love poetry and I have read this poem before but forgot about it (lost it?;))--thank you for bringing it back into my life!

I do a weekly meditation/writing practice where we meditate for a half hour, then the teacher gives us a writing prompt and we write nonstop for 15 minutes. Ironically, this week the prompt was "Make a list of what you have lost and a second list of what filled the spaces that were opened by the loss".
 
I hate the memories more than the weeks that follow the loss... or the fact of having lost in and of itself.

When you lose the one thing your one true love (or at least percieved as having loved the most)
There is no coping. Especially if you blame yourself for having lost that person.
Your basically fucked; you become the epidemie of hell on earth. Everything about you is torn apart.
it takes a long time but you eventually have to face your memories, though you'd really prefer not to, they're unfortunately unavoidable.
As time progresses you transform into something new. You learn to get past it.
You pretty much downplay the events, and get on with your life.
And just hope that youll meet someone that means that much to you again.

But truthfully, it's absolutely agonizing, and there's really nothing positive that comes out of it like people so often claim.
You lose a large portion of your life grieving and feeling bad about the past (which really doesnt matter because its too late anyways) but you cant help it.
You cant stand to be with anybody of lesser value, so basically your sexual prowess diminishes.

Like i said, it becomes very grimly going through something like that... and all you can really do is wait it out and eventually... forget.
But itll always be there, the same way it is when a mother loses a child I would imagine. Like a tiny splinter... pricking you every so often, never letting you move on entirely.
 
I totally understand what you mean... Life has been hard for me to cope with not being able to skate, play soccer, bike riding, etc. I still suffer from sadness because of it... It is rough to be put in a situation to never be able to do it again... Why did this have to happen? Why did this surgery have to put me in this? Why can't I just be normal?
 
exactly, its like almost there.
You can feel it, you can taste it. And it just brings about a certain sadness that's really unparalleled.
And of course... the questions... oh, ze questionados. They'll drive you mad.

And honestly dude, not to insult in any sense. Because i really have no clue what that would be like, having a substantial injury...
but I really think it does no good to ask these sort of things, why did it have to happen to me?

What I want to know... is ... why does it happen to ANYONE!?
what jackass is pulling the strings up there!?... making me fall head over heels in love, being completely obvlious to it while im actually in the friggen relationship... and then have me suffer for two years.
Whatevur though. I know im contradicting myself, but i still tend to think some good must have come out of it.
I remember being pretty egotistically before then... now I dont even have one... so... might be a good thing? iuno.
Maybe skating wasnt right for you, maybe you would have fell on the ice one day, and had someone elses blade run over you and slice your jugular? :O
could always be a good thing how things turn out... u never kno
 
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