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Best friend said her boyfriend hits her

soundsystem00

soundsystem00

Bluelighter
Joined
Mar 19, 2005
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In my head less and less.
So, I got in touch with an old friend of mine. She is Mexican. We went to highschool with each other and have known each other for over a decade. Well she was giving me a ride the other night. It was a long ride, so we got to talking. We started to talk about her relationship. She is with a younger guy, and although he is Mexican, he seems like a total tool. I had him and her over to my apartment a few weeks ago, and was getting some very negative vibes from him (mean muggin', sticking his chest out, etc)

Well we had a little manly moment where he was walking by and I kind of stood as a barrier. You know what I am talking about. I won.
He is a lot younger and smaller than me, I could destroy him.

That being said, she tells me about how abusive he is. Tells me she cries every day, and that he cheats on her, uses her for a place to stay, and often physically abuses her. What the fuck am I suppose to do? I could easily beat his ass, but at the same time, is it my place? Yes she is an old friend, but I have no seen her in years. Is this a cry for help? Would beating his ass solve anything, or just make him more abusive toward her?

I really do not know how to handle this. I feel like I should AT LEAST confront him about it next time I see him. He is a cocky guy, so I know if I bring it up, I will have to end it my way.

Suggestions?

ps. it would feel good to beat someones ass for a good cause like this
 
Talk her into filing a police report next time he abuses her or asap if you know it's currently going on. He shouldn't be with her if he treats her like that, he shouldn't be with any girl until he gets help. I wouldn't get physical with him unless I saw him in the act, I know how tempting it is to clobber someone like him but you could get in trouble if you hurt him. I would look into getting her to a shelter or move in with family. Have you seen bruises or markings on her? If you know any of his ex's I'd talk to them and find out if he treated them the same way.
 
confronting him wont do anything..its your friend that need to stop allowing herself to be treated that way..dont even deal with him..but ive been thru this for a while with my best friend (im in my 30's) super smart girl but this guy beats her, and she goes back for more..what i did was told her if i you with him one more time im telling your whole family..but now what she does is sneaks around with him..broken noses, bruises all that..SHE has to make the decision...unless you can somehow get his ass locked up?.....
 
I've been in a situation like this before - tough spot. Domestic violence and abusive relationships are difficult for the victim's friends and family. Ultimately, it's up to her to put an end to this. You could quite easily confront him and get involved, but she'd likely end up going back to him, and not be able to have contact with you as a result.

Best thing is to support her, make her aware of all the services available, and urge her to put a stop to things. If and when she is ready to do so, she will. Pressuring her will only make her pull away from you. Try not to come across as judgemental or overly critical of her decision to stay with him - this will only make her feel worse about the situation. Be there for her, and make her see that it is possible to leave him.
 
^ great advice! make sure you STAY her friend..and the judgement part is really key i think..Im a recovering drug addict and i think my friend behaves similarly with abusive guys....i wanted to judge her but then realized i was in NO place to be casting judgement.
 
Exactly piebald - you hit the nail on the head. People are constantly critical and judgemental of our substance use/abuse, and the fact that we won't walk away from it - they don't understand it. Who is anyone to judge this girl because she feels that she cannot walk away from her relationship when we don't fully understand her situation? Granted, this man is bad news, but so are our addictions in most instances.

Non-judgemental, genuine support is key. If she has good friends around her, it will make it easier for her to leave him when she is ready. If you get involved, she'll likely lose you and it may just make it harder for her to leave him as she's lost at least part of her support network.
 
What they said!

I still go to women's groups for Domestic Violence. The state is making me go. Before they required it, I found great support and good educational information on the process(es) of domestic violence.

Find where a local women's group is located. I find great strength in the facts of how violence and control progresses, as well as the solidarity between the women teaching/in attendance.

Be a friend. Even when I see it happening to those I know I can't muster much more than "I'm so sorry...". It feels lame. I know. <3
 
Mel22 said:
Exactly piebald - you hit the nail on the head. People are constantly critical and judgemental of our substance use/abuse, and the fact that we won't walk away from it - they don't understand it. Who is anyone to judge this girl because she feels that she cannot walk away from her relationship when we don't fully understand her situation? Granted, this man is bad news, but so are our addictions in most instances.

Non-judgemental, genuine support is key. If she has good friends around her, it will make it easier for her to leave him when she is ready. If you get involved, she'll likely lose you and it may just make it harder for her to leave him as she's lost at least part of her support network.
Click to expand...


It was interesting to hear how many people said to me "dont be friends with her anymore..walk away.." i think the basic "theory" behind that is understandable but wont help.. walking away is a very strong act of dissaproval..and an ultimatum to boot.."its either him or me type deal"..BUT that would have been the worst thing to do..she would not have had my positive influence, nor my support AND she would have been with him all the time, the guy was so nuts i needed to make sure i was in touch because i was concerned for her safety...I said to her at one point "if you found me passed out with a needle in my arm what would you have done?" and of course she said i would tell your family, try to help you etc..and so basically she's the same person..he's the drug and she's playing with fire..its not a matter of IF he really hurts (or even god forbid worse) its a matter of WHEN..it sucks..but im doing the best i can. i hope you can do the same for your friend
 
Yeah, she has been very distant with me lately. I really lost my temper the other night and told her to just give me the OK and I will beat his fucking ASS. I guess something went wrong because she has not been returning my texts. Everything seemed cool but I guess it isnt what it seems. I wasnt being a hardass or nothing either, just being very passionate and supportive.
 
Your friend has a big problem - she's one of "those girls" who is in love with an abusive guy. This could stem from a number of reasons like her childhood or parents' relationship, but I'm only speculating. Some women don't feel like the guy is showing them enough love or paying them enough attention unless the man beats on them. A good pimp will tell you that, but will also tell you that it shouldn't have to be that way. Offering to kick the guy's ass probably won't help...she will tell him and you might even get her beat harder. I wouldn't be surprised if this has already happened and he's threatened to do worse if she talks to you again. She needs help, perhaps one-on-one therapy or a support group, but convincing her to go could be a daunting task. It might definitely be time to give the family a call if you think that might help.
 
she must leave the relationship now. he has already crossed the line that cannot be uncrossed. persuade her to leave immediately.
 
Well I think we can agree that she needs to leave the relationship, right?

How would beating him up help?? The way I see it, you beating him up would result in
- you getting in trouble (from cops)
- him continuing to abuse her
- you and her stop being friends

INSTEAD you should
- go to the cops and file a report. WITH HER

and make sure to be there for her!!
 
Ehh, I hate going to the cops for anything. I will just not bring it up anymore, shes a big girl. I don't want to get involved in it anymore. I did at first, but I don't wanna get in trouble.
 
sapphire life said:
she must leave the relationship now. he has already crossed the line that cannot be uncrossed. persuade her to leave immediately.
Click to expand...

Easier said than done. Good idea and all, but in reality, it doesn't quite work that way.

llama112 said:
INSTEAD you should
- go to the cops and file a report. WITH HER
Click to expand...

Again, great idea in theory, but if she was willing to file a police report, she would likely be willing to leave him but she's not. She's clearly not at that point yet, and has stopped returning the OPs calls (somewhat predictable behaviour in these situations).
 
Maybe just try telling her that you got really heated when you heard about her getting abused, and you overreacted, but now you realize that it wouldn't be any good trying to kick his ass, and that you just want to support her until the horrible situation ends.
I like the support group idea, she could benefit to be with other girls in the same situation and talk about it, and have a therapist qualified to handle the discussions.
I don't really see how a police report can help, it's not like he's going to jail for this. That rarely happens. People get thrown in jail when they are caught in the act and are drunk/fucked-up, not if they did something a week ago. Sure the cops might show up, but that will just make him feel all the more of whatever fucked up emotion he has going through his head to make him act the way he's acting.
If she hasn't left him now, idk when she will. But try to recognize to her that you hope threatening to beat his ass didn't scare her away from you too.
 
llama112 said:
Well I think we can agree that she needs to leave the relationship, right?

How would beating him up help?? The way I see it, you beating him up would result in
- you getting in trouble (from cops)
- him continuing to abuse her
- you and her stop being friends

INSTEAD you should
- go to the cops and file a report. WITH HER

and make sure to be there for her!!
Click to expand...

Seriously, totally agree, it won't change anything. She needs to leave him asap.
if he was your sister I would of said to beat him, since shes not, things can get worst for u.
 
I can answer one part of your question: beating his ass will not solve absolutely anything. all it will do is bring the heat on your back (if he's inclined to call the cops) or bring a bunch of his extended family members, cholos, on your back (if he's inclined to violence - which he obviously is)
 
I cant stand abusive guys and the attitude they have about themselves sickens me.

I cant say what I would do, because it really depends on the type of person that the guy is. If he is the violent type that might pull a gun or knife or whatever I would probably just support her and encourage her to leave him. But some guys that are like that are total pussies that get off on having power over someone and are harmless otherwise. If you think you can intimidate him to the point where he would think twice about being abusive, then i would consider it. But I wouldn't just straight up kick his ass, that would probably do more harm than good.
 
I talked to her the other day. I really came down on her. I was telling her to move back in with her mom. She was kinda resistant, and I siad "move home, or continue to get abused, your call" and she just said something like "oh ok" so I don't know.

Nah he's soft. I could take him. Yeah, he has an amigo(s).

She would protect me from family damage, but she has kept me from him ever since I posted this.
 
Girls need to stop tolerating abusive boyfriends and/or liking the tough guy image.

That's the only way for it to stop. There are plenty of nice guys out there. She should leave that trash.
 
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