I was clean off EVERYTHING 2 years--the longest ever in my adult life, especially after 25 years of using. As far as how I did it, there was some religious program on one morning asking people to call in and be healed if they wanted, so I thought why not. I did call, and a prayer was said over me, 2 weeks later I got busted again for a dime of meth. I went to jail 17 days, and the first 11 days were the hardest, but I had to change my attitude about my life being over, I'm fucked, blah blah. I did, slowly things got better and by the time I was out of jail, the obsession to use - physically and just the general intensive jonesin even after the kicking is done--simply vanished. I attributed THAT to a freakn miracle and believe to this day that it WAS. I did NA not just cause the court said I had to, but kept going long after it was no longer required. I did everything NA said, sponsor, steps, I got up to step 9, and yeah my life did change. I WAS truly happy in ways I hadn't been in years. This is NOT to say, though that for me, just cause there are consequences for NOT using, doesn't mean that the reverse is true--that there ARE consequences for staying clean as well. The first to go were my looks, I got fatter than a whale, and tried to pretend it didn't bother me, but it did. My writing, artistic talents I completely failed to get back in the creative mind set---which sucked. I finally chalked it up to being a whale and creativity were lost forever. What did me in was taking Tramadol. Long story short, I didn't know it was an anti depressive med, or I never would have touched it. Ever since then I have been tired 24/7, unless I take a maintainance daily dose of speed. I was tired 24/7 for 9 months clean, and I never would have lasted that long had it not been for NA, but finally I couldn't and wouldnt take it anymore--knowing there was a "treatment." Also, when clean 2 years, my ADD came back which is a huge pain in the ass. The speed treats these symptoms, it's been 30 yrs now as a user---except for the 2 years clean. I was happy for the most part, but in the end, the being tired 24/7, spending mega hundreds of $$$$ in lab and doc bills without any relief in site and having to work full time---THAT for me had been the deal breaker. They say in NA our "disease" knows how to take us out, and for me I'm at my WORST tired even more so than being in pain. It was my own doing that brought the problem on, but not being able to afford going to Canada for Ibogaine to get off the Tramadol, and get relief from the 24/7 fatigue, and even plain ass running out of $$$ clean and sober after hundreds of $$$, NA was right. the "disease" took me right back out again, it was pacient, it didn't happen all at once, and even if you dont believe in the disease aspect, which I don't really--I get the point. Had I never picked up Tramadol, I'd of had no reason to pick up speed. Getting high wasnt what took me out, it was plain wanting relief. The funny thing is though, as hard as it is now for the last two years using again, I ask myself would I have ever managed to lose more than 20 lbs of the 100 lbs I gained? No, I tried for 9 months, Weight Watchers, exercise, and the ADD? I sure as fuck don't miss that bullshit. Sigh. And I can write again, although not like I used to because of working 5 nights a week and adult responsiblilities I didn't have before getting clean. The great thing about being clean was the support of the whole network in NA, plus my family, ect. Using, well I trust using acquaintainces about as much as I trust rattle snakes---with the exception of one person. Using friends are only fun in small doses for fun, but unlike my NA, clean friends when I had them, they were there for me through thick and thin in REAL life. Yes its possible to be happy. I hated some things intensively about using, loved others and loved the benefits being clean had to offer, and tried to focus on the good, but the crippling fat, the ADD, the loss of creative artistic side I hated just as much. Everyone is different. Some folks obviously don't have my issues clean that didn't rear their ugly heads as I did, but if you're really honest with yourself, there's always issues---especially veteran users like me. I never found the answer to resolve my fat, ADD, artistic talent and lacking enthusiasm even trying nor do I know what the answer is now. All I knew was to focus on what was good, which worked for me until the whole Tramadol, chronic fatigue crap that never left even 9 months clean and quitting. It did something to my brain chemistry to tell it I'm tired 24/7, which sucks ass. Thats what took me back out. Ive always been a low energy person anyway, lacking what others had naturally, except as a kid being hyper. Adulthood took the hyperness away, but attention deficiet stayed. Anyway, that's my story. I certainly would caution anyone especially that doesn't smoke cigarrettes or drink coffee, WATCH THE FOOD and defo stay the fuck away from Tramadol if you're trying to stay clean. Aside from waking the opiate hunger up all over again, I swear kicking that damn drug was worse and would not go away as far as the chronic fucking fatigue.
![:\](https://bluelight.org/xf/BL_Images/Orig_Emoji/wrygrin.gif "wry grin :\")
Personally, I don't know if a sober life is, for me, any better. Which is just depressing. 
