Vent/Rant Thread 1 (POTENTIALLY TRIGGERING)

[xburtonchic]

Another thing is when you ask someone you're sort of interested in how they feel about you, and they respond with, "I don't know. It changes."

What the fuck does "It changes" even mean?!! No seriously, does anyone know. Because I always thought guys were pretty set in the way they feel about someone, especially a girl they've had sex with. They either like them or just want to be friends or don't like them at all in any way or they just want to have sex. I've never heard of or seen a guy jumping back and forth between how they feel about a girl before. I kind of always though that once their mind was made up, their mind was made up. So needless to say, I am fucking confused. During that conversation I had planned to tell him how I feel towards him, but his answer made me scared to say anything and I chickened out.

That's the most annoying answer in the world to hear when you ask someone how they feel about you... especially cause it takes a lot of courage to do that. So what the hell. I'm just annoyed lol I wish he would just be more straightforward...

Anyway. Does anyone have any insight as to what "It changes" means? I asked him what that meant and got basically no where, so... yeah...

le sigh.

 

[Legerity]

^I often have mixed feelings if I am with somebody. This reflects more my own indecision rather than the other person. Not saying that it's cool to be unclear about what we want, but it's not always black/white for us

 

[Carl Landrover]

I don't have too many friends still in town. I can no longer hang out with the three I'd be the most likely to call up and do something with. They're all opiate addicts (like myself) and they all claim to want to get better and to get help with this addiction, but it's only talk. They never actually try, and if they are trying they're doing a piss poor job of it. I can't help them or try to help them anymore than I already have.

I've fucked up a lot lately myself. Now I have to go through legit WDs again. I'm trying to do a quick taper before the school semester starts. Providing that I don't fuck up this semester, this COULD be my last semester. I know from experience that I can't put the necessary effort into school when I'm actively using, especially if my usage is up and down all the time with me trying to quit. If that's the case then the majority of my time is spent either being too sick, being too high, not having enough time because deals took way too long, or I'm sleeping because of how exhausted I am from not sleeping when sick or not sleeping when really high. 8) It's not a good way to live.


I am so disgusted and disappointed with myself to be back on any of this nonsense. Using really doesn't make any sense and it's not doing any good for me. I'm soo tired of this battle and it's getting annoying as I'm going through this all alone. I can't rely on those three friends anymore as they've all moved further into their addictions where I just shouldn't be around them if I want to quit. I can't tell my parents because even though they're suspicious, if I told them what was going on I would either have to go to rehab or have to get on suboxone or do something drastic like that. In their eyes it's impossible to stop using any other way (despite the fact that I've done it before, as have others). It'd be soo much better if we could just have open and honest discussions, but that's not possible. I could try and talk with clean friends, but they're not really around this area anymore (so it'd just be conversing on the phone or internet) and they don't have enough experience with opiates/wd/etc. It's not like they wouldn't be understanding or sympathetic, but their suggestions are so bland and simple and I don't want to burden them with my problems. Plus, I just don't want to look bad (or well don't want to look any worse) in their eyes. Telling them that I've been screwing up again isn't something I'd like to do.


I'm most upset about losing those three friends, one of them in particular who I've known for more than 10 years now and who I've been good friends with for 9 years now. Over the last few years he has become one of my best friends and he probably knows more about me and my drug use and life in general than anyone else. It's been really sad seeing him go downhill, especially this past year. Some nights I stress more about his situation that I do my own. I don't want to see him get hurt, but I don't know what he's going to do because he can barely maintain his current lifestyle. ARGGH!!! I'm sick of this shit!

 

[S.M.F.G]

How can a day that started out well turn so fucking viciously on me?
I woke ok, was fine till the afternoon then shits started goin downhill, im currently quitting ciggys am on the patches, decided to not get weed and trying to cut my xanax down. I just kinda got to talkin with my G/F about stuff and my talk turned into this masive rant about all sorts of shit but I'm mainly strung out and having a shitload of trouble abstaining from having a ciggerette, my anxiety went thru the roof, I got hell agitated and still am just im posting here now as opposed to paceing, growling, pulling out hair and saying "fuck this shit" I really really dissapoint and pissed off with myself, i wana punch the fuck out of the walls or bash my head against something I'm dead set on quitting but find myself in these spots, sparadical op8 use probly not helping either. Its like i fill with rage and deep depression @ the randomest of times especialy times like now where ive had nothin but a couple of xanax for the day.But the smokin is deadset killin me my lung function is shithouse. I just wish i could ride shit out without effecting those around me

 

[addictivepersona]

He is supposed to be house broken and I believe he is doing this out of spite (in a sense) because he KNOWS he did wrong.

I'm never gone for more than 3 hours (the average being about 2 hours). I let him out prior to me leaving but I think I will turn the air conditioning on and removing his water bowl for periods of time (that's a good suggestion!)

He could be doing it out of spite, or out of fear of abandonment. Does he have access to toys (that he cannot choke on) while you're gone? Or is he crate trained? I lock my almost-three-year-old dog in a crate when I leave, even for a short time (though she's gotten better about being left out for up to two hours). Now I'm taking care of my brother's dog and his dog isn't crate trained, but it only took her a week or so to tolerate it and to know that we're not leaving her in there for forever lol. I dunno, I'm a big advocate of crates, but if you're only going to have the dog a few more days there's no sense in spending $100 (though you could return it after lol) on a crate.

 

[footscrazy]

xburtonchic - my honest opinion would be that saying that is a gentle way of saying I'm not that into you. It just sounds like something I'd say if put on the spot and I didn't want to let someone down. But I dunno, I'm not a dude!

Carl Landrover - Goodluck on your taper. I'm doing the same thing right now and whilst I only have baby babyy withdrawals at this point I've left it far too long before my holiday away with a straighty 180 friend where I wont be able to use any opiates at all. I've been stressing, wondering whether to smuggle shit on the plane or what, but I'm just going to try and tough it out. My mindstate it actually pretty good right now.

Maybe you can just take a break from those 3 friends. I feel that real friends would understand if you explained the situation to them, that you need a break to get clean, focus on yourself. I think it's a good idea to tell them though, because it always feel shit just to be left without really knowing why. With the friend you're worried about - maybe it will help him to see you setting an actual example of someone straightening up, something he can relate to, a reason to change. I know that when I've seen a real friend, someone I really understand and who I know understands my addictions, get clean, it means a lot. It's been something I can really hold onto and say if he could do it, maybe I can do it too, because I know they've been exactly where I have. Straight friends, while awesome, can never give that.

 

[Fyasko.]

fuck this,
i've got a bestfriend, i love him like a brother, we get along better than anyone in the world.
all yesterday/last night we talked about how well we get along, and talked about becoming DJ's and going to huge raves, talked about all our philosophical outlooks, and how amazing it is how neurotransmitters govern the way we experience life. Its like you meet that one friend, who you get along with better than anyone else in the world, and its amazing, it makes me so much happier to think that i actually have a legitimate bestfriend.

Shitty part is he moved up-state and now we have to take a 3-hour train to see each other, and i can only see him once every 3-4 weeks. We've just had so many laughs and adventures, and every time i see him it gets more and more fun. i guess its for the best that we can only see each other so often, it makes the hangouts that much more amazing. Right now i'm actually feeling emotions again, for the first time in months , and its such a foreign feeling. i've also got this feeling of...not delirium but more that im just intrigued at how content i am with my life right now.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=StOEOqwG3qg
^listening to this as i vent, i just have this horrible fear that we're gonna drift apart and i'll lose that once-in-a-lifetime brother (if that makes sense8) )

love those beautiful hangover headaches where you just wanna slam your head into a wall
/end

 

[jokergirl]

Im so tired of my kid's shit, my husband's shit, and my friend's shit.

Im tired of being everyones maid and caretaker.

Im tired of people only paying attention to me when they want something from me, and ignoring me the rest of the time. My son has moved home with me, my husband/his dad, and our daughter. All he wants to do is go and drink and make us take care of everything. Today my friend texted me wanting money. Im tired of taking care of everyone and getting used.

I am a bit drunk. I need to storp drinking. I never used to drink much, but since i quit the dope, my drinking is no longer as social as it once was. Nowdays, my drinking has one goal....getting as fucked up as possible, as quickly as possible, so i can forget everything.

I am aching for some meth. Good thing its so late, i will go to sleep soon. I will probably dream about it. I havent used it in two years and i can remember it so well i can literally taste it and i can remember it to the point i can almost "feel" it.

There are ADHD meds here and if it were not so late i would probably take them.

Hopefully tomorrow will be easier.

 

[caseface99]

^^ Good luck. Staying sober isn't easy, and you're doing a better job than many of us - so keep up hope. I'm no longer a habitual drug user, but i can't stop completely. I need to use opiates occasionally otherwise i will snap and have a full on relapse, but the occasional use continues to get more frequent as time goes on.

Also, i don't know if anyone here knows Bluelight user Dexysmidnightrider, but she's my girlfriend and the purpose of this post is to inform you all she tried to kill herself today and is in the Psych ward at the hospital. Should be coming home tonight but im not entirely sure yet. Either way, shit is bad right now. I have so much else to say and talk about but now isn't the time. Just thought i would let you guys know what happened and that she is okay, since i know she posts in TDS from time to time.

 

[deifenbacher]

I quit my job after 7 yrs oh it feels fukn great!
They can eat my ( first nasty thing that comes to your head) HAHA!
Now I'm a personal trainer and competitive fighter, my air conditioner is leaking
inside my place, crap! Shitty thing bout bein sober is I can't go out n have fun
until I feel I'm strong enough, its bin 3 fukn yrs since I had a simple beer or shot of jack, I have to cut 15lbs
in the nxt 2 weeks, my neck needs adjusted again, people think mephedrone is safe and I jst
want the crap gone, I feel so srry for those who have either lost there life or has changed there
life because of that horrible chem, plz people stay away frm it! It is makn me rant n rave, I wish I lived in columbia, Portugal,
or the netherlands, I hear they are a tad more advanced than the US or CHINA

 

[**hAyzzZZ**]

Also, i don't know if anyone here knows Bluelight user Dexysmidnightrider, but she's my girlfriend and the purpose of this post is to inform you all she tried to kill herself today and is in the Psych ward at the hospital. Should be coming home tonight but im not entirely sure yet. Either way, shit is bad right now. I have so much else to say and talk about but now isn't the time. Just thought i would let you guys know what happened and that she is okay, since i know she posts in TDS from time to time.

I remember her posts. I hope she gains the strength to overcome her difficulties atm

 

[xburtonchic]

Fyasco- I honestly wouldn’t worry that you two will drift apart, bonds that strong can’t be broken by distance. Hell, they can’t even be broken by death. And at least you still get to see him every once in a while! So don’t trip- if your connection is as strong as you say it is and if it’s anything like the connection I had with my once-in-a-lifetime, you two will remain close so don’t worry ☺ Because I know exactly what you mean! I had the same type of friend once, he was like the male version of me!. He always used to say that we shared the same brain lol. He knew absolutely everything about me and vice versa, and we always seriously had THE BEST conversations. He’s one of those friends you feel absolutely, 100% comfortable around and you can have fun with no matter what you’re doing… whether it’s just hanging out in the mornings and sipping on a Bloody Mary and not even talking, or playing Guitar Hero at night and then falling asleep together (but totally platonic, not even doing anything intimate or sexual at all), or whether it’s going out and drinking and partying. I feel exactly the way you feel- those types of people only come around once in a lifetime. I had the same situation though, except it was me who had to move… and to the other side of the country. I never saw him again and he’s gone now unfortunately. I miss him every day. We were supposed to go to each other’s weddings and grow old together while we talked shit to each other from our rocking chairs lol… but now it’s never going to happen. Cherish the time you have with your friend right now instead of spending that time worrying, cause you just never know…

Oh. One more thing. FUCK hangovers, I agree- they are the worst haha.

Jokergirl- Good for you for not going back to the meth even when you were craving it so strongly. That takes will power right there. Just stay strong… meth might seem like the answer, but in the end all it really does is amplify your problems and make you even more irritable. Just remember that and you’ll be fine, good luck with everything, hopefully things get better for ya!

Caseface- Sorry to hear about your girlfriend ☹ I think the best you can do for her is to just be there for her once she gets out. It's awesome that you're being so supportive, she's lucky to have a boyfriend like you for sure!

deifenbacher- I’ve heard about mephedrone… it intrigued me so I looked it up on Erowid and read a few trip reports, and what I heard seriously scared the shit out of me… I will never touch the stuff. :/ Sounds like you’re trying to stop taking it so I wish you the best with that!

 

[n3ophy7e]

Also, i don't know if anyone here knows Bluelight user Dexysmidnightrider, but she's my girlfriend and the purpose of this post is to inform you all she tried to kill herself today and is in the Psych ward at the hospital. Should be coming home tonight but im not entirely sure yet. Either way, shit is bad right now. I have so much else to say and talk about but now isn't the time. Just thought i would let you guys know what happened and that she is okay, since i know she posts in TDS from time to time.

Wow man, I'm so glad to hear she is okay Thanks for letting us know, I definitely remember her.
I wish you both all the best for getting through this difficult time. Keep us updated if you like, and send her our best wishes

 

[xburtonchic]

Sorry for the double post, wanted to give an update on my situation as well but since I was also replying to other people I didn't want to make it TOO long! Since I know how much BLers hate ridiculously long posts haha.

Anyway, we met up for coffee today (he actually made the hour drive out here for once!) We talked for like an hour. I was seriously dreading the conversation, but it couldn't have turned out more perfectly. For one, he gave me the money he owed me plus more. But the best part is that we cleared the air about EVERYTHING- he apologized for everything, said he understood where I was coming from, told me a lot of things about his personal life, told me that he trusts me and that he cares about me, said I was a gorgeous and really chill girl. And I apologized for whatever mean things I had said to him, told him a few personal things as well like why I'd been so stressed lately and sort of turned into a different person than the one he first met, told him why I was so hurt regarding the things he did, etc. We were both just brutally honest with each other. In the end, I asked him why, if he knows I'm a chill girl and thinks I'm gorgeous, he wasn't willing to give me a chance but he was willing to give that chance to other girls. He said it was because he wasn't ready for a relationship- I guess when I had told him I liked him and that I wanted him to give me a chance, he assumed I meant I wanted to jump straight into a relationship. But I explained to him that, no, that's not what I meant at all... that I wasn't ready for a relationship either, I mean we hardly know each other... that all I meant when I said that was that I wanted to get the chance for us to get to know each other and just go on dates sometimes or whatever. He said he was completely down with that. So in the end, we both got what we wanted- I'm not mad at him anymore (which is what he wanted), and he's willing to get to know me and go out sometimes (which is what I wanted). I'm really happy, because I have a wall up and don't develop feelings for people easily... so when I do, I like to take advantage of it and take the opportunity to get to know the guy. We both agreed that we were glad we had this conversation... that he's free to date other girls and live his life and I'm free to date other guys and live mine... if it goes somewhere then it goes somewhere, and if it doesn't, then at least we know we tried and things can end on a good note, and if nothing else we'll have both gained a friend out of it. We made plans to go to the beach this week so we shall see how that goes. I'm so happy about the way things turned out. We're starting out fresh, completely forgetting all of the past bullshit, and we're on the same page. Definitely glad we had that conversation... like I said, I was dreading it lol. I thought it was going to end with us just saying our goodbyes and accepting that our friendship had run it's course and me being hurt and bitter and possibly him too... but nope... I was pleasantly surprised when things turned out the complete opposite

 

[Ixchellian]

everything I touch turns to ash
I want the world
not just to die
burning.

 

[Fyasko.]

thanks for that xburtonchic

 

[Jakeperson]

Normally at this stage I would try kill myself but I wont. Recent (BLer) friend killedd himself. The impact was intense. Couldnt handle it so fuck it just gonna <snip>.

Been going down slippery slopes with every drug, think my grandpas recent incident with another valve fucking up and too much surgery is gonna push me over the the edge to being a benzo addict. Does make it easier to not have weed, lol.

Thats my rant. Doubt Ill be back or coherent for weeks

 

[S.M.F.G]

Why the fuck does everything turn to shit after i get back to my house? I had a realitivly awsome morning out @ the beach with my kid, Then as soon as i enter this fucking house, shit turns misrable be it me the kid or the girlfriend.
I'm so fucking over it im pitching a tent in the fucking backyard tonite with a campfire. This place is fucking possesed with bad vibes i fucking swear i cant take it anymore im fucking OUT. Will be coming back in here to come on here and fucking do my inter net shit, im fucking gonna have a fucking meltdown if i stay in here any longer.. And thats just fucking gr8... 300 a week for a house thsat i no longer want to be in if i have to. FUCK REALESTATE CUNTS and thier total lack of compassion, I'd rather be sick outside in the rain than sick in the head from this fucking hole.

 

[Carl Landrover]

I'm super disappointed and quite depressed lately.

I have to get off opiates again. I have a lot of classes this semester, I don't know if I can do it.

I have to do community service within the next few weeks or I might go to jail. I randomly got a letter last week about it, telling me specific hours to get the hours done, but I guess there's only a few spots and they fill up fast. I thought you could do community service without a program, but I'm not sure. I don't get why they mailed me a letter with so little time left. I shouldn't have waited this long to begin with, but the hours that they have listed are going to make it extremely close for me to actually complete 40 in time. I've got so much anxiety about this. I have to call tomorrow to see what the deal is and if I can sign up for hours now.

I was doing so good this year, but then I fucked everything up. I'm so full of regret and so disappointed to be in this position again.

I've brought myself near broke once again. Fucking pills. I can't stop getting them. I've got to get rid of my phone or something.


This is just so frustrating though. I am once again trapped within my own body! Even if I'm completely distracted with something and not paying attention to how many hours have gone by (since I usually have a rough idea of how long I have before WDs start setting in) I still will notice I'm feeling off eventually and then I need to take something. The WDs aren't terrible, but I can't go through 4 days of awfulness, especially now that classes are starting and I have to do that community service.

 

[xburtonchic]

Carl Landrover- ew what a shitty time for everything to come at you like that. I've done the whole school/work/manual labor thing during opiate withdrawals before and I know how much they absolutely SUCKK. Is there any possible way you can hold off on quitting until you have a little bit of time? I don't mean use every day. But just pop a few pills (or whatever your vice is) on days where you know you have to get shit done.. you know, like just enough to get you through the day? And then just do that until your community service and classes are over and done with, so that way you'll have substantial time to deal with the withdrawals. I understand that's not financially possible all the time, but even so... hopefully you'll find a way to make it through. If worse comes to worse, you can always just take a bunch of Immodium/codeine or make some poppy seed tea... cheap way to lessen withdrawals quite a bit. And if not, I wish you the best of luck. It will be hard but you'll get through it. Sorry you're going through that