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Vent/Rant Thread 1 (POTENTIALLY TRIGGERING)
- Thread starter ocean
- Start date
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Fyasko.
Bluelighter
some people try far too hard to be cool.
i finally get some friends again (i even got my bestfriend back) and what happens?
i pick em apart, based on what they say/wear/do, and i find reasons to think that im better off without them.
3 goals for this year
-be more helpful to TDS & ED
-learn not to pick people apart
-Figure out how to get my fucking life back to how it used to be (which will require going back in the closet8( )
(maybe ill just fuck it, im already known as "that bi-druggie kid" )
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t7RyZ4Zf4Dk
Kaskade - eyes
^shit gives me hope
alright gonna go work my ass off and run another 5miles :D
/end rant
--thanks for everything TDS, i know im naive but from here on out im really gonna try and be more helpful and less whiney
--
i finally get some friends again (i even got my bestfriend back) and what happens?
i pick em apart, based on what they say/wear/do, and i find reasons to think that im better off without them.
3 goals for this year
-be more helpful to TDS & ED
-learn not to pick people apart
-Figure out how to get my fucking life back to how it used to be (which will require going back in the closet8( )
(maybe ill just fuck it, im already known as "that bi-druggie kid" )
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t7RyZ4Zf4Dk
Kaskade - eyes
^shit gives me hope
alright gonna go work my ass off and run another 5miles :D
/end rant
--thanks for everything TDS, i know im naive but from here on out im really gonna try and be more helpful and less whiney
--
OverDone
Bluelight Crew
- Joined
- Apr 14, 2008
- Messages
- 5,404
--thanks for everything TDS, i know im naive but from here on out im really gonna try and be more helpful and less whiney
ha! that's just your own perception. I never considered you to be whiney at all. Shit, now that I think of it, I can only think of ONE post (by a drive-by-poster) that I considered 'whiney' (other than my own) and the content was misogynistic and more anger provoking than anything.
you're good people, Fyasko
S.M.F.G
Bluelighter
well im still on the patches, not like its not helping but ive busted twice now (only half a ciggy) I cant work out weather the mass craveing is for the nicotene (which i doubt coz i got teh patches) or my morning xanax tab. Either way it hasnt worked real well today, Had a lad do a U turn this morning to poach me for a job back as a chef, I'm not overly confident that il handle it, the government is giving me shit because im off on medical, and the high pressure of the kitchens sends me worse, Cant these people get the idea that i cant handle that shit atm? I really wanna work, but my nxt job i just wanna courier stuff around and the usless pricks that call themselfs job service providers want to throw me bak into that kitchen enviornment just coz i got the quals but what there not gettin is that it's just gonna burn me out again. I need to start back working small and simple, but Oh no they cant do a thing there can they. I'm so over all therse enforced appointments threatened with loss of my benifits and having to be 6 mg up b4 i can face these asshats. Now me an the kid wanted to go out for a walk but its convienitly started pissing down. Looks like another dooner day atm, may sound good but this house gets me down, I'm really feelin like im getting nowhere fast
xburtonchic
Bluelighter
- Joined
- May 17, 2011
- Messages
- 1,004
DISCLAIMER: This is incredibly and ridiculously long. So if you're a tl;dr kinda person, you might as well skip it lol! I mostly wrote it because I haven't told anyone in real life about this situation and it's fucking killing me right now... and people on Bluelight tend to understand and offer better advice anyway. Not that I'm really expecting anyone to read this since it's so long, but that's okay. Because sometimes your mind is your own worst enemy, and if you let negative thoughts sit in there for too long, they'll eventually dominate and smother you... best to get them out in the open, ya know... which is why I mostly wrote it for myself anyway. Buuuut no harm posting it on Bluelight anyway! I find most people on this site to be very intelligent with a lot of good advice to offer, and I know there are people who actually enjoy reading long ass posts (like me) and writing them (like me). So I'll keep it here, whyyy not... maybe someone will come along with something earth shattering to say... or anything that will inspire me to get out of this fucking abyss at all.. thanks for reading, if you do! I think in the meantime I shall go back to page one and start reading haha I enjoy other people's rants! Just as long as they're not ignorant or racist or sexist or something like that, which very few people on BL are, so that's good 
I searched through Bluelight specifically to find a thread dedicated to rants... so glad I came across this one because I am SO fucking stressed out, angry, annoyed, upset, hurt, and my anxiety is through the roof right now despite taking two Xanax and a Vistaril. I wish I could smoke some weed. Weed always puts me into a positive mindset and helps me to look at things from a different perspective and see my problems objectively. Some of the most rational, logical, and mature solutions I've come up with have been while I'm high. But (just a little mini rant before I get into the big one), OF COURSE I broke BOTH my pipes within the last week cause I zoned out on my anxiety meds and completely forgetting they were on my lap until I stood up and they fell to the floor and shattered. I broke the second one not even three days after the first one. Two pipes, one week. Lovely. I have no way to smoke weed now and I could seriously use some right now; it's very frustrating! K mini rant over.
There are a lot of things I could rant about and maybe I will later, but for now I'll leave it at the one that's currently weighing the most on my mind- money. And men (well just one in particular and actually, a better word for him would probably be "boy" since he's acting like one.) My money issues are directly related to this boy so that's why i'm including them in the same rant. I know that sounds kind of bad and could easily be interpreted the wrong way, but it's nothing like prostitution or stripping lol just to clear that up now! This is a rant about a few different things ugh I don't even know where to start so that it makes sense... but I'll try my best... sorry if it's confusing or complicated. I just really need to rant and I never told anyone in real life the exact details so yeah... when there's no where else to go, go to Bluelight.
Guess I should start at the beginning a bit. I met this guy back in the beginning of June while I was out with some friends and we really clicked- same interests, super easy to talk to, extremely good looking, etc.- we ended up talking for about an hour until my friends and I had to leave. Before I left I handed him my phone and told him to put his number in it (he said he was just about to ask me the same thing but I just said I'd text him later so he would have it since we had to leave)... so we texted back and forth a bit. It was clear he was flirting, like the first time I texted him he said, "I've been waiting for this text" and yeah he'd just say cute stuff like that... he seemed nice and super chill (should have known better- guys who are THAT good looking are never nice)... so we made plans to hang out and we hooked up a few times.
And here's where my rant comes in. The first time we had sex, I was blackout drunk and didn't remember any of it- the only thing I know for sure is that I wouldn't have done it had I not been so ridiculously wasted. I would have waited a little longer until I knew him a bit better. The last thing I remember about that night was watching the hangover, and everything after that I have absolutely ZERO recollection of. The next thing I remember was waking up in his bed, in his clothes, sans bra or underwear. Yeah, I was mortified. A whole 5 hours of my life completely gone, and I just so happened to have sex with someone I hardly knew in those five hours. I was in NO frame of mind to make even the simplest of responsible decisions at that time. About an hour after I got home, I received this lovely text: "You're on the pill, right?" Um... no. No I'm not. "Because I didn't use a condom and I know for a fact some came out inside you." Well, yep, you can guess what happened- found out I was pregnant a month later. I mean, yeah, we had sex a few times in between that, but I MADE him use protection those other times. So I'm pretty much positive it was the first time that did it.
I'm the type of person who is VERY much against abortion. Not for the conventional "pro-life" reasons, although that plays a small part of it, but it's mostly because of the way it can affect women physically and psychologically. Also because I am a firm believer in taking responsibility for and owning up to your own actions. If you're going to have sex, not use protection, and not pull out, you better be prepared to deal with whatever consequences may come. Most people are smart enough to know they're risking things like pregnancy and STD's when they make choices like that, so if something bad happens... well, you really have no one to blame but yourselves. (I'm clean on the STD front by the way, I got checked a few weeks later... thank God I dodged that bullet at least!) So I really didn't know what I was going to do. All I knew was that abortion wasn't even an option, I didn't consider it for a split second... until I told him, that is.
He was really chill about it, didn't run screaming for the hills, he'd let me come over or he'd talk to me on the phone to help calm me down and get my mind off of things whenever I started getting anxious and freaking out about it, etc. I told him from the start that I didn't believe in abortion and that I would never have one, he was alright about it at first but it didn't take long for him to admit that he wanted me to have one. He didn't pressure me or anything, just gave me his reasons why: "Neither of us is ready to provide for and raise a kid. 23 is the age where people are supposed to be focusing on themselves and their own goals so that they CAN prepare for that kind of thing in the future and provide a stable life. Living out here (in Hollywood), there is no way I can afford it because I'm already in enough debt as it is. If you keep it, I'll do my best to provide for it and help you out, but I would have to move back home to Chicago... and then everything I moved out here for..." His reasons were valid, he didn't pressure me about it, and I know I wouldn't be able to financially support a child either. I would have found a way of course, but it would have meant sacrificing a lot, like school and my job and etc. The fact that he said he'd have to move back to Chicago is what gnawed at me the hardest though. The whole reason he moved out here was to pursue his acting career. I know how hard he worked to make moving out here possible, and how many sacrifices he made (financially, moving away from his family and friends, etc.) to do it. I do have to admire him for that, because that takes courage, and the reality of the situation is that a very, VERY large majority of the people who move out here to pursue a career in the entertainment, fashion, and make-up/hair stylist industries don't end up making it and have to move back home in the end... not because they aren't talented, but because there's so much competition that they never get any work. However, he is actually doing really well. He's got a manager and an agent, goes on a lot of auditions and gets call backs, and he's already done a few commercials and independent movies. I used to want to be an actress myself, so I understand that burning desire completely. Although for me, that dream died once I started hanging around a lot of actors and reality TV show people. I thought all the rumors about Hollywood were just a myth until I found myself in the middle of it all, but it's A LOT more pretentious than I thought, and a lot of actors, no matter what level they're at in their career, are indeed extremely selfish and full of themselves and are very quick to stab their "friends" in the back. The sense of entitlement Hollywood has just turned me off to that completely
But even so, like I said, I understand where he's coming from. And I started to feel guilty, because who am I to ruin someone else's dream? Especially when they're actually coming true for him after he worked so hard for it and took such a huge risk to pursue it? It got me thinking that maybe it wasn't in the best interests of ANYONE for me to keep it- not his, because according to him having a kid right now would rip his dreams out from underneath his feet. Not mine, because I am DEFINITELY not financially stable and I would have to give up on my goal of going to law school. And not the baby's, because it would grow up without a real father. That's why I've always wanted to wait until I'm married to have a kid... because I feel like children need to grow up with both parents so they can learn that happy, healthy, long-lasting relationships do exist, so that they have positive role models to look up to, and because I believe both mothers and fathers have their own things they teach their kids.
So, I chewed it over for a day or so and then told him I'd think of something else. That something else ended up being adoption. He was into that idea even less than the thought of me keeping it. His reasoning: "I doubt it's that easy to just give up your kid, what if you get attached? Or what if I get attached? Or what if he both get attached? And say we actually went through with it, the kid would probably end up wanting to know who we were and would come and find us and then we'd have to explain why we made that decision and risk hurting the kid's feelings or making the kid feel unwanted." I said, "Well, I'm adopted. We could make it a closed adoption so the kid CAN'T find us, that's what I have." His response: "Yeah, and how do you feel about that?" Which basically shut me up... because yeah...
I felt like abortion was the only option. I told him I would have an abortion IF... and ONLY if... he helped me pay for it, because I couldn't afford the whole thing myself. He promised he would, even put it in writing. Because of that, and because he's never lied to me before and has always been brutally honest with me (another rant tied into this one, more about that in a minute) I trusted him to keep his word. Unfortunately he was leaving for Chicago the next day for a wedding, where he would be for the next three weeks until the end of July. I went to the clinic to get everything set up and found out that if I wanted to go the abortion pill route, I'd have to do it within the next two weeks. After that, only an in-clinic abortion was possible. An in-clinic abortion was ABSOLUTELY out of the question for me. I loathe them, I think it's absolutely sick the way they use a vacuum and a scraper to slowly kill the fetus (because that's what it is at that point... a developing human being) and remove it. If that had been my only option at the time, I would have said, "Sorry to fuck your life over dude, but I'm keeping this kid." So I had no choice, I had to get it done before he got back and would be able to help me pay for it.
Anyway, my insurance doesn't cover it and I never told my parents or friends what was going on and didn't want to, so I had to pay it in full myself. I knew I wouldn't be able to pay my bills for July if I paid for it in full, and I knew I was screwed money-wise the rest of that month. I called him, told him the situation, was freaking out because of how much this was setting me back financially and how it would be even worse if he didn't end up paying me back, and he reassured me that I had nothing to worry about, he'd pay me back as soon as he got home at the beginning of August so that I would be able to pay my bills on time. So I shelled out the hundreds of dollars needed and accepted the fact that I was going to be completely broke the rest of July. I chickened out at the clinic when I was given the first pill, so she just gave me detailed instructions on how to use it, and told me to take it home but call her when I was ready. I was SO fucking scared... I hated having to do this... I was a nervous wreck all the time and went back and forth for a few days. I'd set up a time to take it the next day, then I'd chicken out. Finally, when I knew I couldn't put it off any longer, I called him and took the first pill while he was on the phone with me so I wouldn't chicken out again. I hated myself after the abortion was over and done with... I still kind of do...
Anyway, as you can see, he acted great throughout everything. He acted supportive and like he actually cared about my feelings and took them into consideration... and because of that, I trusted him. I mean we talked on the phone almost every day and had great conversations. I actually started to have feelings for him, and he acted like he might feel the same way too. But he is a talented actor indeed, because that's all it was. Just an act. He completely manipulated me and worded things in a way that made me feel like I was in complete control and that I was making all of these decisions for myself. He never intended on paying me back, either. Once he came back to L.A., he told me, "I can't pay you until the 13th." I wasn't happy about it, but since it was still a few days before my August bills were due, I agreed. Well... the 13th was a week ago. I was all set to drive to his house, but I accidentally overslept. So we set it up for the next day instead. This time, HE overslept and had to be at work, so I couldn't go then either since I wouldn't get there in time (it's a 30 min to 1 hr drive from where I am, depending on traffic). I was busy on Monday all day, so we set it up for Tuesday. NOW I was getting worried, because my bills were due. I even had a dream the night before where he straight up said he wasn't going to pay me back and I woke up really fucking anxious. I told him about my dream and that it freaked me out, and he reassured me again saying, "Tomorrow for sure." Well, that day (this past Tuesday) came. "I have to go to a private acting class. Come over early tomorrow so nothing gets in the way and I promise I will for sure." And then I said, "Do you promise promise? Don't bail!!" And he said, "Yes, I don't make promises I don't keep and I wouldn't do that to you." And THEN he said, "But I don't know when an audition will come up, my manager could call me with one at any time..." That annoyed me, because I KNOW the acting business, and managers do not call you and send you out on auditions in the same day. They tell you a few days before. I just said something snarky like, "Oh okay, well let me know if your manager randomly decides you have to go to an audition tomorrow and I'll try to accomodate my schedule for you AGAIN." Well, guess what? Wednesday came. "I have to go to an audition. Can you come on Saturday instead? I'm busy until then."
OMFG. I was officially losing patience and faith, but I still tried to give him the benefit of the doubt. So Thursday night rolls around and I get this lovely text, "Hey I need to tell you I got a $500 parking ticket and I can only give you $50 now. Fml. I'm so fucked." Ummm... excuuuse me? YOU'RE fucked? I DON'T THINK SO. I THINK I AM THE ONE WHO IS FUCKED, BIATCH. I didn't say that cause I was trying not to piss him off... I want my money... but at that point is when I officially lost all faith and all patience. I just ignored him because I was so mad I couldn't even handle it. We were supposed to split it... it should have been a couple hundred each... and now he's saying he can only give me $50? Wtf! That won't even get me my bills paid (the ones I had to give up in July), but at least it was something. Well, guys. Today is Saturday. I stayed up all night last night chewing my lip off because I was so nervous that he was going to bail again. I was supposed to be at his house at 1:30. I got a text from him at 9:30 this morning saying, "I got a call back! I'm so stoked!!" I had a sinking feeling I knew what that meant... so needless to say I was not into sharing his enthusiasm and good news with him. I said, "That's great, good job, is it today?" He said, "No, but I have to go to a private acting class at 2:00." Wtf you didn't have to go to a private acting class at 2:00 today when I confirmed with you yesterday so wtf??!! That's what I should have said, but instead all I said was, "So does that mean I can't come today..." No response. An hour later I prompted him with "??" and he responded a half hour later finally saying, "I fell back asleep lol!" Lol? What the fuck is funny about this situation? And also, you never answered my question. That was the straw that broke the camel's back... I couldn't suck it up and pretend to be okay and polite with it anymore. I said, "K whatever. But when can I come then?" No response. So I texted him again an hour later and said, "Hey call me when you get out of acting class por favor." No response OR phone call. So I texted him again and said, "I am trying sooo hard to be patient with you right now... but I mean, come on dude. Why are you doing this?" I sent that text like 5 hours ago and still haven't gotten a response.
I am freaking out. I don't know what to do. I am so so SO screwed. I'm so fucking angry at him right now... I paid hundreds of dollars and sacrificed my bills and what little financial stability I had for something I didn't even want to do...all so that could stay in LA and pursue his career. Let me illustrate for you how much stress this has caused me ever since I paid that money: Right now... at this very moment... I have literally $2 to my name. TWO FUCKING DOLLARS. Why do I only have two fucking dollars? Because I paid a couple hundred dollars in July, and that only left me with enough to only pay a couple of my bills for last month. Two had to go unpaid because of it and it also left me overdrafted. I get paid once a month from the VA, but it's a relatively small check (only three digits). Sooo my check was deposited on the first of this month, $80 or so dollars short because of the negative balance + overdraft fee. I had been planning to pay off the two bills I left the month before because I HATE being late, mostly because the late fees most of them charge are absolutely ridiculous but also just because it's a hassle... so I'm practically never late. And when I have been in the past, it's been paid before the next set of bills were due. However, my luck being the way it is, I had gotten a call earlier from my credit card company telling me I had to pay NOW, I was four months delinquent, and it was my last chance before I was sent to collections. What happened was, they had still been charging my old account, the one that my direct depost used to go to... it doesn't go to that account as of four months ago, now it goes to a different one. I had automatic bill pay with them; I guess because it's not a bill I actively sit down and pay, it didn't really cross my mind that I needed to call them and tell them my new account info. For that, I can take responsibility. That was my bad. But it came at the ABSOLUTE worst timing. Because not only did I owe the minimum payment, I also owed four months of interest and late fees, as well as the four "bounced check" fees my bank charges, which is $25 per bounced check. $100 in total. After paying off the bill and the bounced check fees, I was left with $2.00. The two bills I couldn't pay last month are now TWO months deliquent, and I wasn't able to pay my other bills this month either. Which means next month = more late fees. Which means more bills are going to have to go unpaid.
Now that I'm in this fucked up situation, I am going to be completely unable to pay all of my bills next month either. Even if I sacrificed things like food and gas (which I obviously can't), I STILL wouldn't be able to pay all of my bills because of the late fees I now have, ones that are just going to keep on building. This basically means that, until I can find another source of income... which I have been trying and working my ass off to do anyways for a while now, to no avail... I am completely, totally screwed. Almost all of my money is going to have to go to bills. Depending on how much my minimum payments have been jacked up due to late fees, if I still want to be able to afford food and gas, I'll only be able to pay three bills at the very most... as well as whatever interest and late fees I can mange to cover as well. And since I won't be able to pay a few bills or all of the late fees/interest each month... well. You do the math. It's going to get worse and worse each month.
So, in order to be able to get out of this mess, I'm having to cut my gas and food spending in half. I'm also having to quit school this semester, since I can't afford the registration fees anymore, let alone books. Even if I qualified for financial aid (which I don't), that still wouldn't cover all of it and I wouldn't have enough gas to make it to school and back each month anyways... hell, I probably wouldn't even have enough money to use public transportation. All of this, because someone made a WRITTEN FUCKING PROMISE that they wouldn't keep. I feel like crying. I wasted hundreds of dollars on something I didn't want to do, something that I still feel horrible about. And now my future is getting fucked with... since I can't even go to school because of this mess. I'm so stressed OUT. I really, truly have no idea how I'm going to solve this, and my anxiety is through the roof. I feel like I'm a 23 year old college dropout who is headed towards bankruptcy. This sucks. I feel like I want to cry. I'm also hurt, disappointed, upset, and angry as hell. I mean I literally feel sick to my stomach.
This is the 5th time this guy has completely fucked me over. First, he took advantage of my drunkenness and had sex with me without pulling out or using a condom... putting us both at risk for STD's... like, how would he know whether I had one or not? And vice versa? Secondly, I was hanging out with my guy friends at Saddle Ranch one night (where he works) and they kept making strange comments... stuff like, "So, have you gone to the bar to say hi to ******* yet?" and other things like that, followed by a wink. I finally asked one of them what the deal was (him and I have a lot of mutual friends)... turns out he had told ALL our friends about the first night we hooked up... the one where I was blackout drunk and got pregnant. I got mad at him for telling everyone about it and when I confronted him, he had the audacity to just straight up ignore me the whole night and not even apologize. Thirdly, I also found out from a mutual friend that he has one night stands ALL the time. To which my first thought was, "Oh, shit. If he didn't use a condom with me, he's probably not using it with them." He could have something without even knowing this if he does that... again, thoughtlessly putting my health at risk. I've gotten checked of course and I'm clean, thank GOD... so at least I dodged that bullet. I didn't yet know this yet though obviously since I hadn't gotten tested yet, so once again I confronted him. And this time he actually had the audacity to tell me to stop freaking out on him, that I shouldn't be mad because "I thought you don't have feelings for me like that" I mean, I did, but even so IT WAS NOT EVEN ABOUT THAT. It was about the fact that he's whoring around and not even fucking wrapping it up!!! Fourth of all, I find out from the same mutual friend that he has a girlfriend. And that he took her to Chicago with him!!! So while I was at home, spending hundreds of dollars on an abortion that he would never pay me back for, he was in Chicago... bring his girlfriend to meet his family. I'm just like... fuuuuckk... and a look at his Facebook revealed some pretty couple-y pictures as well as some status updates that were suspicious. Things like "I had the most amazing night last night!! This girl is driving me crazy, but in a good way" plus her initials. Plus a few comments people posted while he was in Chicago... shit like, "hey man, are you down for a double date this Saturday?" (Ironically, it was the same Saturday he ignored all of my texts and my phone call the one time I called him... and then he claimed the next day it was because he broke his phone and so now it doesn't work all the time. Yeah, okay. Except it's worked every other time.. and every other time since then..) But anyway. THAT was the worst thing to find out, because I mean... really? Just... yeah. Ouch. I was so hurt taht I passed the whole sad stage, where normally I would cry for maybe an hour and be done with it. Instead, I went straight into, "Hurt him as much as he hurt me" mode. A few of my friends were there while all this was going down, so my guy friends were just like telling me that if I really wanted to get back at him, that I should leave him a voice mail saying something about his dick size, whether it was true or not. So that is what I did, and then some. I believe I said something along the lines of, "I know about ******... you know, your girlfriend? The one you brought with you to Chicago? You guys are a cute couple, really... but it would have been nice if you had told me you had a girlfriend so I could make the decision ON MY OWN whether I wanted to fuck around with you or not. And FYI, I wouldn't have. But that's okay, I guess at least someone is satisfied with your incompetence in bed and the fact that you have a small dick." None of that was true- he's actually really good in bed and is the perfect size, but it got the job done. He started blowing up my phone the next day, sending me a million texts, etc. etc. When I finally called him back, he said, "I listened to your awesome little message and ****** isn't my girlfriend. The only reason we were at the lake together in Chicago is because her parents are from Chicago and she was at a wedding that weekend." I still don't believe a word of that. Because for one, what were they doing at his lake house the same weekend she supposedly had a wedding to attend? And because for two, while looking at his Facebook for girlfriend evidence, I noticed he had posted a comment on one of his statuses replying to someone wayy back in like February... and it said something like, "Only xxx days until I come home I can't wait!!! I'm bringing a lil cutie home with me too, I can't wait for you and everyone to meet her she's amazing!!" So this was actually planned a long ass time ago and he straight up said, "I am bringing her home with me." Not, "This lil cutie is going to be there the same time I am and we're going to chill, I can't wait for you to meet her she's amazing"... but, "I'm BRINGING her HOME WITH ME." Out of all the comments I saw, I think that one probably stung the most. Even if I hadn't seen that comment, I still wouldn't have believed that- not only is it way too much of a coincidence, but guess what else? I actually KNOW this chick. She lives in the city next to me, goes to my school, AND she happens to be my ex boyfriend's ex-girlfriend as well. Her parents are not from Chicago, at least I know for a fact her father isn't.
Honestly. What the fuck are the chances that she would also be dating the same guy I like that lives 45 minutes away from us both? Yep. I think that comment was the one that stung the most out of all the comments I saw. He also worried that if I carried the baby to full term, whether I was going to tell people it was his. It insulted me when he said it, but now that I know WHY he didn't want people knowing, I'm even more insulted. And the worst part out of everything? When he straight up told me, "She has a boyfriend of 3 and a half years. She's not my girlfriend. But I mean, yeah, I do have feelings for her... I like her a lot." Why would you tell someone who obviously likes you, and is obviously already hurt, something that would hurt them even more? I didn't need or want to know how much he liked her. :/ He sent me the link to her Facebook though to prove she has a boyfriend... and yep. She does. However, I don't believe for one second that nothing is going on between them. She was with my ex a year ago... so if it's true that they've been together three years, that just goes to prove that she's capable of some pretty heavy cheating. Also because in the pictures he had up of them, they were facing towards each other with their arms wrapped around each other's waists... and her head is laying against his chest while they're looking straight at each other, arms still wrapped around eachother's wasits, in one of them. The only people I know who take pictures like that are couples, usually ones that are really in love each other. He doesn't have anything pictures like that with other girls... every other picture he has on his Facebook with a girl, they're in a friend pose. She doesn't have any pictures like that even with her actual boyfriend. I mean, what the fuck? And lastly, if nothing was really going on between them, he wouldn't still have feelings for her. If he's known she has a "serious" boyfriend of 3 years this entire time... well, most people would have realized it wasn't going to happen, given up on their feelings, and moved on by now. But nope, his feelings are still going strong with her after 7 months. And I stopped looking at his Facebook after I saw that comment because I had basically seen all I needed to see, so it's possible he's liked her for even LONGER than that. Seems like he should be over her by now, no? The only thing that makes sense as to why he's not, is that a.) they're fucking, b.) they're really secretly seeing each other, or c.) she's stringing him along and making him think she likes him back. Probably all of the above. I mean, what girl who had a boyfriend of 3 1/2 years would actually go home with a guy who she knows likes her, and then couple-y pictures with him while they spend the weekend alone at his lake house?
She wouldn't. Not unless something was going on between them. Oh yeah... and yet again, he had the audacity to tell me not to freak out on him. Fuck that. I had a way beyond legitimate reason to do so. Both times. Anyway, I went on about that one longer than I expected... just another rant, I guess. Apparently it still hurts me more than I thought it did. Idk. And now this. Now he's fucking me over for the fifth time. I mean, I had no reason not to trust him, nothing to even plant a seed of doubt in my mind that he wouldn't pay me back. If anyone is actually reading this whole thing, in case your wondering WHY I trust his word so much... or used to, anyway... is because he was upfront with me about the fact that he didn't use a condom. When I found out he told people we hooked up and then confronted him about it, he told me every single person that he had told. When I confronted him about the one night stand thing, he admitted that he does have them. Well, "Whoever told you that was exaggerating, because I don't have them ALL the time, maybe just a couple a month or something." He could have just denied it, but nope... he was honest. And he was also honest about his feelings for ******. That's what I meant when I said earlier that he was brutally honest. Because he always has been up until now, even if the truth hurts.
By the way, I don't have feelings for him anymore. Once I found out he liked a girl who had a serious boyfriend, idk. It was just a turn-off. If it was just like an innocent crush, that would be one thing. But he's actually actively pursuing her... while she has a boyfriend... and the one night stands didn't help much either, nor the way he pushed me into having an abortion. All of those things show some pretty serious bad fucking character traits. Like, let's be real here. Having one night stands either = insecurity... which is always a turn off to me... or some other problem, none of which are attractive either. But it was mostly from finding out about that girl. What he's doing shows that he has no respect at all and that he's completely inconsiderate of others. And I admit, a part of it is just my natural defense mechanism, it's easy for me to turn my emotions off. It's like... when you see a spider, snake, clown, insert-other-fear-here, your fight or flight response kicks in. Other people don't fight OR run, but will just kind of stand there paralyzed. That's the perfect way to explain how I am when I get hurt enough times by the same person. First time or two they do it, my brain kicks into "fight" mode, and my first instinct is to hurt them as much as they hurt me. In unforgiveable cases, or after the person has done it enough times.. I go straight into "flight" mode. My mind will sort of instinctively jerk away from the person who hurt me... and then, yes, I metaphorically "run away" until I'm metaphorically "safe", aka emotionally detached. And then, in extreme cases (like if the person who hurt me was a close friend and the way they hurt me was really bad, or in cases like this where I give the person sooo many chances and they just keep beating me down, or in cases where someone does something to hurt me that's traumatic)... that's when I just go into "freeze" mode. I completely shut down emotionally towards the person. I have no feelings towards them other than fleeting little bouts of anger. I may keep talking to them, and they may never realize it, but inside they're dead to me. I regard those people the same way I regard spiders: like house spiders... I hate them, but I won't express it and I won't kill them. I just freeze up, watch them very carefully and calmly, and tread with caution when I'm around them. Sometimes after a while, when I realize it's safe to do so, I'll put them in a cigarette box and take them outside and simply let them go, never to be seen again. Other times, I decide I don't trust the "spider" enough to get close to it to put it in a cigarette box OR to let it go, so instead I'll watch carefully and wait patiently until they wander off on their own. Then you have your poisonous spiders- black widows, brown recluse, etc. I treat these the same way I treat people who directly cause a traumatic experience. They can't be trusted when they're close by OR far away, so I hate them openly and then I kill them. But with people, I only kill them metaphorically of course. I don't actually kill them. I just kill their ego, kill their sense of security, whatever I can. I suppose a perfect phrase to describe it would be that I find their weak spots, then I go in for the kill.
And that's what's happening with me right now. Towards this guy, and towards life in general the way it's going right now. Not the black widows and brown recluses, but the house spiders. The ones that I sit there and watch carefully, until they either wander off on their own, or until I feel it's safe to let them go on my terms. And to be honest, this is the one emotional response I have that I absolutely hate, because it's the only one I can't control. I can stop myself from being impulsive, I can force myself to stick around... those things I can control. But when my heart decides it wants to shut certain people out completely, I really can't control it. Once it happens, there's nothing I can do and there's no way to change it. I have a wall that I keep handy because I've been hurt a lot. And once it's up, it's damn near impossible to take down, even if I wanted to. And sometimes these people come back into my life years later, and they're still back to being the house spider. Idk. Something just won't let me go back to the way things were with certain people... and to be honest, now that I think about it I really don't even care. It's rare for me to have this reaction, so when I do, well... it's for a damn good reason... in which case, why the hell would I want them back in my life anyway? Why the fuck would I want to open myself up to risk being shredded a second time?
This was long. I typed a lot of thing just to type, to be honest, to keep my mind off of stress for a while. This money situation is just killing me right now. I don't know when I've ever had anxiety worse than this. Probably never. It's so bad that it's making my stomach hurt and giving me indigestion, even though the only thing I ate today was a Caesar Salad and it was 12 hours ago. Just... yeah. I thought talking to Bluelight about it would help because it usually does... I mean, it usually does help to type things out... get the thoughts outside of your head, trying not to let them fester in your mind... when you write them out on paper or even type them out, a little piece of the problem goes out into the universe and out of your head, which is always a good thing. But I don't know. It didn't help this time at all. I mean really. Fuck my life right now.
And fuck spiders too.
I searched through Bluelight specifically to find a thread dedicated to rants... so glad I came across this one because I am SO fucking stressed out, angry, annoyed, upset, hurt, and my anxiety is through the roof right now despite taking two Xanax and a Vistaril. I wish I could smoke some weed. Weed always puts me into a positive mindset and helps me to look at things from a different perspective and see my problems objectively. Some of the most rational, logical, and mature solutions I've come up with have been while I'm high. But (just a little mini rant before I get into the big one), OF COURSE I broke BOTH my pipes within the last week cause I zoned out on my anxiety meds and completely forgetting they were on my lap until I stood up and they fell to the floor and shattered. I broke the second one not even three days after the first one. Two pipes, one week. Lovely. I have no way to smoke weed now and I could seriously use some right now; it's very frustrating! K mini rant over.
There are a lot of things I could rant about and maybe I will later, but for now I'll leave it at the one that's currently weighing the most on my mind- money. And men (well just one in particular and actually, a better word for him would probably be "boy" since he's acting like one.) My money issues are directly related to this boy so that's why i'm including them in the same rant. I know that sounds kind of bad and could easily be interpreted the wrong way, but it's nothing like prostitution or stripping lol just to clear that up now! This is a rant about a few different things ugh I don't even know where to start so that it makes sense... but I'll try my best... sorry if it's confusing or complicated. I just really need to rant and I never told anyone in real life the exact details so yeah... when there's no where else to go, go to Bluelight.
Guess I should start at the beginning a bit. I met this guy back in the beginning of June while I was out with some friends and we really clicked- same interests, super easy to talk to, extremely good looking, etc.- we ended up talking for about an hour until my friends and I had to leave. Before I left I handed him my phone and told him to put his number in it (he said he was just about to ask me the same thing but I just said I'd text him later so he would have it since we had to leave)... so we texted back and forth a bit. It was clear he was flirting, like the first time I texted him he said, "I've been waiting for this text
" and yeah he'd just say cute stuff like that... he seemed nice and super chill (should have known better- guys who are THAT good looking are never nice)... so we made plans to hang out and we hooked up a few times.And here's where my rant comes in. The first time we had sex, I was blackout drunk and didn't remember any of it- the only thing I know for sure is that I wouldn't have done it had I not been so ridiculously wasted. I would have waited a little longer until I knew him a bit better. The last thing I remember about that night was watching the hangover, and everything after that I have absolutely ZERO recollection of. The next thing I remember was waking up in his bed, in his clothes, sans bra or underwear. Yeah, I was mortified. A whole 5 hours of my life completely gone, and I just so happened to have sex with someone I hardly knew in those five hours. I was in NO frame of mind to make even the simplest of responsible decisions at that time. About an hour after I got home, I received this lovely text: "You're on the pill, right?" Um... no. No I'm not. "Because I didn't use a condom and I know for a fact some came out inside you." Well, yep, you can guess what happened- found out I was pregnant a month later. I mean, yeah, we had sex a few times in between that, but I MADE him use protection those other times. So I'm pretty much positive it was the first time that did it.
I'm the type of person who is VERY much against abortion. Not for the conventional "pro-life" reasons, although that plays a small part of it, but it's mostly because of the way it can affect women physically and psychologically. Also because I am a firm believer in taking responsibility for and owning up to your own actions. If you're going to have sex, not use protection, and not pull out, you better be prepared to deal with whatever consequences may come. Most people are smart enough to know they're risking things like pregnancy and STD's when they make choices like that, so if something bad happens... well, you really have no one to blame but yourselves. (I'm clean on the STD front by the way, I got checked a few weeks later... thank God I dodged that bullet at least!) So I really didn't know what I was going to do. All I knew was that abortion wasn't even an option, I didn't consider it for a split second... until I told him, that is.
He was really chill about it, didn't run screaming for the hills, he'd let me come over or he'd talk to me on the phone to help calm me down and get my mind off of things whenever I started getting anxious and freaking out about it, etc. I told him from the start that I didn't believe in abortion and that I would never have one, he was alright about it at first but it didn't take long for him to admit that he wanted me to have one. He didn't pressure me or anything, just gave me his reasons why: "Neither of us is ready to provide for and raise a kid. 23 is the age where people are supposed to be focusing on themselves and their own goals so that they CAN prepare for that kind of thing in the future and provide a stable life. Living out here (in Hollywood), there is no way I can afford it because I'm already in enough debt as it is. If you keep it, I'll do my best to provide for it and help you out, but I would have to move back home to Chicago... and then everything I moved out here for..." His reasons were valid, he didn't pressure me about it, and I know I wouldn't be able to financially support a child either. I would have found a way of course, but it would have meant sacrificing a lot, like school and my job and etc. The fact that he said he'd have to move back to Chicago is what gnawed at me the hardest though. The whole reason he moved out here was to pursue his acting career. I know how hard he worked to make moving out here possible, and how many sacrifices he made (financially, moving away from his family and friends, etc.) to do it. I do have to admire him for that, because that takes courage, and the reality of the situation is that a very, VERY large majority of the people who move out here to pursue a career in the entertainment, fashion, and make-up/hair stylist industries don't end up making it and have to move back home in the end... not because they aren't talented, but because there's so much competition that they never get any work. However, he is actually doing really well. He's got a manager and an agent, goes on a lot of auditions and gets call backs, and he's already done a few commercials and independent movies. I used to want to be an actress myself, so I understand that burning desire completely. Although for me, that dream died once I started hanging around a lot of actors and reality TV show people. I thought all the rumors about Hollywood were just a myth until I found myself in the middle of it all, but it's A LOT more pretentious than I thought, and a lot of actors, no matter what level they're at in their career, are indeed extremely selfish and full of themselves and are very quick to stab their "friends" in the back. The sense of entitlement Hollywood has just turned me off to that completely
But even so, like I said, I understand where he's coming from. And I started to feel guilty, because who am I to ruin someone else's dream? Especially when they're actually coming true for him after he worked so hard for it and took such a huge risk to pursue it? It got me thinking that maybe it wasn't in the best interests of ANYONE for me to keep it- not his, because according to him having a kid right now would rip his dreams out from underneath his feet. Not mine, because I am DEFINITELY not financially stable and I would have to give up on my goal of going to law school. And not the baby's, because it would grow up without a real father. That's why I've always wanted to wait until I'm married to have a kid... because I feel like children need to grow up with both parents so they can learn that happy, healthy, long-lasting relationships do exist, so that they have positive role models to look up to, and because I believe both mothers and fathers have their own things they teach their kids.
So, I chewed it over for a day or so and then told him I'd think of something else. That something else ended up being adoption. He was into that idea even less than the thought of me keeping it. His reasoning: "I doubt it's that easy to just give up your kid, what if you get attached? Or what if I get attached? Or what if he both get attached? And say we actually went through with it, the kid would probably end up wanting to know who we were and would come and find us and then we'd have to explain why we made that decision and risk hurting the kid's feelings or making the kid feel unwanted." I said, "Well, I'm adopted. We could make it a closed adoption so the kid CAN'T find us, that's what I have." His response: "Yeah, and how do you feel about that?" Which basically shut me up... because yeah...
I felt like abortion was the only option. I told him I would have an abortion IF... and ONLY if... he helped me pay for it, because I couldn't afford the whole thing myself. He promised he would, even put it in writing. Because of that, and because he's never lied to me before and has always been brutally honest with me (another rant tied into this one, more about that in a minute) I trusted him to keep his word. Unfortunately he was leaving for Chicago the next day for a wedding, where he would be for the next three weeks until the end of July. I went to the clinic to get everything set up and found out that if I wanted to go the abortion pill route, I'd have to do it within the next two weeks. After that, only an in-clinic abortion was possible. An in-clinic abortion was ABSOLUTELY out of the question for me. I loathe them, I think it's absolutely sick the way they use a vacuum and a scraper to slowly kill the fetus (because that's what it is at that point... a developing human being) and remove it. If that had been my only option at the time, I would have said, "Sorry to fuck your life over dude, but I'm keeping this kid." So I had no choice, I had to get it done before he got back and would be able to help me pay for it.
Anyway, my insurance doesn't cover it and I never told my parents or friends what was going on and didn't want to, so I had to pay it in full myself. I knew I wouldn't be able to pay my bills for July if I paid for it in full, and I knew I was screwed money-wise the rest of that month. I called him, told him the situation, was freaking out because of how much this was setting me back financially and how it would be even worse if he didn't end up paying me back, and he reassured me that I had nothing to worry about, he'd pay me back as soon as he got home at the beginning of August so that I would be able to pay my bills on time. So I shelled out the hundreds of dollars needed and accepted the fact that I was going to be completely broke the rest of July. I chickened out at the clinic when I was given the first pill, so she just gave me detailed instructions on how to use it, and told me to take it home but call her when I was ready. I was SO fucking scared... I hated having to do this... I was a nervous wreck all the time and went back and forth for a few days. I'd set up a time to take it the next day, then I'd chicken out. Finally, when I knew I couldn't put it off any longer, I called him and took the first pill while he was on the phone with me so I wouldn't chicken out again. I hated myself after the abortion was over and done with... I still kind of do...
Anyway, as you can see, he acted great throughout everything. He acted supportive and like he actually cared about my feelings and took them into consideration... and because of that, I trusted him. I mean we talked on the phone almost every day and had great conversations. I actually started to have feelings for him, and he acted like he might feel the same way too. But he is a talented actor indeed, because that's all it was. Just an act. He completely manipulated me and worded things in a way that made me feel like I was in complete control and that I was making all of these decisions for myself. He never intended on paying me back, either. Once he came back to L.A., he told me, "I can't pay you until the 13th." I wasn't happy about it, but since it was still a few days before my August bills were due, I agreed. Well... the 13th was a week ago. I was all set to drive to his house, but I accidentally overslept. So we set it up for the next day instead. This time, HE overslept and had to be at work, so I couldn't go then either since I wouldn't get there in time (it's a 30 min to 1 hr drive from where I am, depending on traffic). I was busy on Monday all day, so we set it up for Tuesday. NOW I was getting worried, because my bills were due. I even had a dream the night before where he straight up said he wasn't going to pay me back and I woke up really fucking anxious. I told him about my dream and that it freaked me out, and he reassured me again saying, "Tomorrow for sure." Well, that day (this past Tuesday) came. "I have to go to a private acting class. Come over early tomorrow so nothing gets in the way and I promise I will for sure." And then I said, "Do you promise promise? Don't bail!!" And he said, "Yes, I don't make promises I don't keep and I wouldn't do that to you." And THEN he said, "But I don't know when an audition will come up, my manager could call me with one at any time..." That annoyed me, because I KNOW the acting business, and managers do not call you and send you out on auditions in the same day. They tell you a few days before. I just said something snarky like, "Oh okay, well let me know if your manager randomly decides you have to go to an audition tomorrow and I'll try to accomodate my schedule for you AGAIN." Well, guess what? Wednesday came. "I have to go to an audition. Can you come on Saturday instead? I'm busy until then."
OMFG. I was officially losing patience and faith, but I still tried to give him the benefit of the doubt. So Thursday night rolls around and I get this lovely text, "Hey I need to tell you I got a $500 parking ticket and I can only give you $50 now. Fml. I'm so fucked." Ummm... excuuuse me? YOU'RE fucked? I DON'T THINK SO. I THINK I AM THE ONE WHO IS FUCKED, BIATCH. I didn't say that cause I was trying not to piss him off... I want my money... but at that point is when I officially lost all faith and all patience. I just ignored him because I was so mad I couldn't even handle it. We were supposed to split it... it should have been a couple hundred each... and now he's saying he can only give me $50? Wtf! That won't even get me my bills paid (the ones I had to give up in July), but at least it was something. Well, guys. Today is Saturday. I stayed up all night last night chewing my lip off because I was so nervous that he was going to bail again. I was supposed to be at his house at 1:30. I got a text from him at 9:30 this morning saying, "I got a call back! I'm so stoked!!" I had a sinking feeling I knew what that meant... so needless to say I was not into sharing his enthusiasm and good news with him. I said, "That's great, good job, is it today?" He said, "No, but I have to go to a private acting class at 2:00." Wtf you didn't have to go to a private acting class at 2:00 today when I confirmed with you yesterday so wtf??!! That's what I should have said, but instead all I said was, "So does that mean I can't come today..." No response. An hour later I prompted him with "??" and he responded a half hour later finally saying, "I fell back asleep lol!" Lol? What the fuck is funny about this situation? And also, you never answered my question. That was the straw that broke the camel's back... I couldn't suck it up and pretend to be okay and polite with it anymore. I said, "K whatever. But when can I come then?" No response. So I texted him again an hour later and said, "Hey call me when you get out of acting class por favor." No response OR phone call. So I texted him again and said, "I am trying sooo hard to be patient with you right now... but I mean, come on dude. Why are you doing this?" I sent that text like 5 hours ago and still haven't gotten a response.
I am freaking out. I don't know what to do. I am so so SO screwed. I'm so fucking angry at him right now... I paid hundreds of dollars and sacrificed my bills and what little financial stability I had for something I didn't even want to do...all so that could stay in LA and pursue his career. Let me illustrate for you how much stress this has caused me ever since I paid that money: Right now... at this very moment... I have literally $2 to my name. TWO FUCKING DOLLARS. Why do I only have two fucking dollars? Because I paid a couple hundred dollars in July, and that only left me with enough to only pay a couple of my bills for last month. Two had to go unpaid because of it and it also left me overdrafted. I get paid once a month from the VA, but it's a relatively small check (only three digits). Sooo my check was deposited on the first of this month, $80 or so dollars short because of the negative balance + overdraft fee. I had been planning to pay off the two bills I left the month before because I HATE being late, mostly because the late fees most of them charge are absolutely ridiculous but also just because it's a hassle... so I'm practically never late. And when I have been in the past, it's been paid before the next set of bills were due. However, my luck being the way it is, I had gotten a call earlier from my credit card company telling me I had to pay NOW, I was four months delinquent, and it was my last chance before I was sent to collections. What happened was, they had still been charging my old account, the one that my direct depost used to go to... it doesn't go to that account as of four months ago, now it goes to a different one. I had automatic bill pay with them; I guess because it's not a bill I actively sit down and pay, it didn't really cross my mind that I needed to call them and tell them my new account info. For that, I can take responsibility. That was my bad. But it came at the ABSOLUTE worst timing. Because not only did I owe the minimum payment, I also owed four months of interest and late fees, as well as the four "bounced check" fees my bank charges, which is $25 per bounced check. $100 in total. After paying off the bill and the bounced check fees, I was left with $2.00. The two bills I couldn't pay last month are now TWO months deliquent, and I wasn't able to pay my other bills this month either. Which means next month = more late fees. Which means more bills are going to have to go unpaid.
Now that I'm in this fucked up situation, I am going to be completely unable to pay all of my bills next month either. Even if I sacrificed things like food and gas (which I obviously can't), I STILL wouldn't be able to pay all of my bills because of the late fees I now have, ones that are just going to keep on building. This basically means that, until I can find another source of income... which I have been trying and working my ass off to do anyways for a while now, to no avail... I am completely, totally screwed. Almost all of my money is going to have to go to bills. Depending on how much my minimum payments have been jacked up due to late fees, if I still want to be able to afford food and gas, I'll only be able to pay three bills at the very most... as well as whatever interest and late fees I can mange to cover as well. And since I won't be able to pay a few bills or all of the late fees/interest each month... well. You do the math. It's going to get worse and worse each month.
So, in order to be able to get out of this mess, I'm having to cut my gas and food spending in half. I'm also having to quit school this semester, since I can't afford the registration fees anymore, let alone books. Even if I qualified for financial aid (which I don't), that still wouldn't cover all of it and I wouldn't have enough gas to make it to school and back each month anyways... hell, I probably wouldn't even have enough money to use public transportation. All of this, because someone made a WRITTEN FUCKING PROMISE that they wouldn't keep. I feel like crying. I wasted hundreds of dollars on something I didn't want to do, something that I still feel horrible about. And now my future is getting fucked with... since I can't even go to school because of this mess. I'm so stressed OUT. I really, truly have no idea how I'm going to solve this, and my anxiety is through the roof. I feel like I'm a 23 year old college dropout who is headed towards bankruptcy. This sucks. I feel like I want to cry. I'm also hurt, disappointed, upset, and angry as hell. I mean I literally feel sick to my stomach.
This is the 5th time this guy has completely fucked me over. First, he took advantage of my drunkenness and had sex with me without pulling out or using a condom... putting us both at risk for STD's... like, how would he know whether I had one or not? And vice versa? Secondly, I was hanging out with my guy friends at Saddle Ranch one night (where he works) and they kept making strange comments... stuff like, "So, have you gone to the bar to say hi to ******* yet?" and other things like that, followed by a wink. I finally asked one of them what the deal was (him and I have a lot of mutual friends)... turns out he had told ALL our friends about the first night we hooked up... the one where I was blackout drunk and got pregnant. I got mad at him for telling everyone about it and when I confronted him, he had the audacity to just straight up ignore me the whole night and not even apologize. Thirdly, I also found out from a mutual friend that he has one night stands ALL the time. To which my first thought was, "Oh, shit. If he didn't use a condom with me, he's probably not using it with them." He could have something without even knowing this if he does that... again, thoughtlessly putting my health at risk. I've gotten checked of course and I'm clean, thank GOD... so at least I dodged that bullet. I didn't yet know this yet though obviously since I hadn't gotten tested yet, so once again I confronted him. And this time he actually had the audacity to tell me to stop freaking out on him, that I shouldn't be mad because "I thought you don't have feelings for me like that" I mean, I did, but even so IT WAS NOT EVEN ABOUT THAT. It was about the fact that he's whoring around and not even fucking wrapping it up!!! Fourth of all, I find out from the same mutual friend that he has a girlfriend. And that he took her to Chicago with him!!! So while I was at home, spending hundreds of dollars on an abortion that he would never pay me back for, he was in Chicago... bring his girlfriend to meet his family. I'm just like... fuuuuckk... and a look at his Facebook revealed some pretty couple-y pictures as well as some status updates that were suspicious. Things like "I had the most amazing night last night!! This girl is driving me crazy, but in a good way" plus her initials. Plus a few comments people posted while he was in Chicago... shit like, "hey man, are you down for a double date this Saturday?" (Ironically, it was the same Saturday he ignored all of my texts and my phone call the one time I called him... and then he claimed the next day it was because he broke his phone and so now it doesn't work all the time. Yeah, okay. Except it's worked every other time.. and every other time since then..) But anyway. THAT was the worst thing to find out, because I mean... really? Just... yeah. Ouch. I was so hurt taht I passed the whole sad stage, where normally I would cry for maybe an hour and be done with it. Instead, I went straight into, "Hurt him as much as he hurt me" mode. A few of my friends were there while all this was going down, so my guy friends were just like telling me that if I really wanted to get back at him, that I should leave him a voice mail saying something about his dick size, whether it was true or not. So that is what I did, and then some. I believe I said something along the lines of, "I know about ******... you know, your girlfriend? The one you brought with you to Chicago? You guys are a cute couple, really... but it would have been nice if you had told me you had a girlfriend so I could make the decision ON MY OWN whether I wanted to fuck around with you or not. And FYI, I wouldn't have. But that's okay, I guess at least someone is satisfied with your incompetence in bed and the fact that you have a small dick." None of that was true- he's actually really good in bed and is the perfect size, but it got the job done. He started blowing up my phone the next day, sending me a million texts, etc. etc. When I finally called him back, he said, "I listened to your awesome little message and ****** isn't my girlfriend. The only reason we were at the lake together in Chicago is because her parents are from Chicago and she was at a wedding that weekend." I still don't believe a word of that. Because for one, what were they doing at his lake house the same weekend she supposedly had a wedding to attend? And because for two, while looking at his Facebook for girlfriend evidence, I noticed he had posted a comment on one of his statuses replying to someone wayy back in like February... and it said something like, "Only xxx days until I come home I can't wait!!! I'm bringing a lil cutie home with me too, I can't wait for you and everyone to meet her she's amazing!!" So this was actually planned a long ass time ago and he straight up said, "I am bringing her home with me." Not, "This lil cutie is going to be there the same time I am and we're going to chill, I can't wait for you to meet her she's amazing"... but, "I'm BRINGING her HOME WITH ME." Out of all the comments I saw, I think that one probably stung the most. Even if I hadn't seen that comment, I still wouldn't have believed that- not only is it way too much of a coincidence, but guess what else? I actually KNOW this chick. She lives in the city next to me, goes to my school, AND she happens to be my ex boyfriend's ex-girlfriend as well. Her parents are not from Chicago, at least I know for a fact her father isn't.
Honestly. What the fuck are the chances that she would also be dating the same guy I like that lives 45 minutes away from us both? Yep. I think that comment was the one that stung the most out of all the comments I saw. He also worried that if I carried the baby to full term, whether I was going to tell people it was his. It insulted me when he said it, but now that I know WHY he didn't want people knowing, I'm even more insulted. And the worst part out of everything? When he straight up told me, "She has a boyfriend of 3 and a half years. She's not my girlfriend. But I mean, yeah, I do have feelings for her... I like her a lot." Why would you tell someone who obviously likes you, and is obviously already hurt, something that would hurt them even more? I didn't need or want to know how much he liked her. :/ He sent me the link to her Facebook though to prove she has a boyfriend... and yep. She does. However, I don't believe for one second that nothing is going on between them. She was with my ex a year ago... so if it's true that they've been together three years, that just goes to prove that she's capable of some pretty heavy cheating. Also because in the pictures he had up of them, they were facing towards each other with their arms wrapped around each other's waists... and her head is laying against his chest while they're looking straight at each other, arms still wrapped around eachother's wasits, in one of them. The only people I know who take pictures like that are couples, usually ones that are really in love each other. He doesn't have anything pictures like that with other girls... every other picture he has on his Facebook with a girl, they're in a friend pose. She doesn't have any pictures like that even with her actual boyfriend. I mean, what the fuck? And lastly, if nothing was really going on between them, he wouldn't still have feelings for her. If he's known she has a "serious" boyfriend of 3 years this entire time... well, most people would have realized it wasn't going to happen, given up on their feelings, and moved on by now. But nope, his feelings are still going strong with her after 7 months. And I stopped looking at his Facebook after I saw that comment because I had basically seen all I needed to see, so it's possible he's liked her for even LONGER than that. Seems like he should be over her by now, no? The only thing that makes sense as to why he's not, is that a.) they're fucking, b.) they're really secretly seeing each other, or c.) she's stringing him along and making him think she likes him back. Probably all of the above. I mean, what girl who had a boyfriend of 3 1/2 years would actually go home with a guy who she knows likes her, and then couple-y pictures with him while they spend the weekend alone at his lake house?
She wouldn't. Not unless something was going on between them. Oh yeah... and yet again, he had the audacity to tell me not to freak out on him. Fuck that. I had a way beyond legitimate reason to do so. Both times. Anyway, I went on about that one longer than I expected... just another rant, I guess. Apparently it still hurts me more than I thought it did. Idk. And now this. Now he's fucking me over for the fifth time. I mean, I had no reason not to trust him, nothing to even plant a seed of doubt in my mind that he wouldn't pay me back. If anyone is actually reading this whole thing, in case your wondering WHY I trust his word so much... or used to, anyway... is because he was upfront with me about the fact that he didn't use a condom. When I found out he told people we hooked up and then confronted him about it, he told me every single person that he had told. When I confronted him about the one night stand thing, he admitted that he does have them. Well, "Whoever told you that was exaggerating, because I don't have them ALL the time, maybe just a couple a month or something." He could have just denied it, but nope... he was honest. And he was also honest about his feelings for ******. That's what I meant when I said earlier that he was brutally honest. Because he always has been up until now, even if the truth hurts.
By the way, I don't have feelings for him anymore. Once I found out he liked a girl who had a serious boyfriend, idk. It was just a turn-off. If it was just like an innocent crush, that would be one thing. But he's actually actively pursuing her... while she has a boyfriend... and the one night stands didn't help much either, nor the way he pushed me into having an abortion. All of those things show some pretty serious bad fucking character traits. Like, let's be real here. Having one night stands either = insecurity... which is always a turn off to me... or some other problem, none of which are attractive either. But it was mostly from finding out about that girl. What he's doing shows that he has no respect at all and that he's completely inconsiderate of others. And I admit, a part of it is just my natural defense mechanism, it's easy for me to turn my emotions off. It's like... when you see a spider, snake, clown, insert-other-fear-here, your fight or flight response kicks in. Other people don't fight OR run, but will just kind of stand there paralyzed. That's the perfect way to explain how I am when I get hurt enough times by the same person. First time or two they do it, my brain kicks into "fight" mode, and my first instinct is to hurt them as much as they hurt me. In unforgiveable cases, or after the person has done it enough times.. I go straight into "flight" mode. My mind will sort of instinctively jerk away from the person who hurt me... and then, yes, I metaphorically "run away" until I'm metaphorically "safe", aka emotionally detached. And then, in extreme cases (like if the person who hurt me was a close friend and the way they hurt me was really bad, or in cases like this where I give the person sooo many chances and they just keep beating me down, or in cases where someone does something to hurt me that's traumatic)... that's when I just go into "freeze" mode. I completely shut down emotionally towards the person. I have no feelings towards them other than fleeting little bouts of anger. I may keep talking to them, and they may never realize it, but inside they're dead to me. I regard those people the same way I regard spiders: like house spiders... I hate them, but I won't express it and I won't kill them. I just freeze up, watch them very carefully and calmly, and tread with caution when I'm around them. Sometimes after a while, when I realize it's safe to do so, I'll put them in a cigarette box and take them outside and simply let them go, never to be seen again. Other times, I decide I don't trust the "spider" enough to get close to it to put it in a cigarette box OR to let it go, so instead I'll watch carefully and wait patiently until they wander off on their own. Then you have your poisonous spiders- black widows, brown recluse, etc. I treat these the same way I treat people who directly cause a traumatic experience. They can't be trusted when they're close by OR far away, so I hate them openly and then I kill them. But with people, I only kill them metaphorically of course. I don't actually kill them. I just kill their ego, kill their sense of security, whatever I can. I suppose a perfect phrase to describe it would be that I find their weak spots, then I go in for the kill.
And that's what's happening with me right now. Towards this guy, and towards life in general the way it's going right now. Not the black widows and brown recluses, but the house spiders. The ones that I sit there and watch carefully, until they either wander off on their own, or until I feel it's safe to let them go on my terms. And to be honest, this is the one emotional response I have that I absolutely hate, because it's the only one I can't control. I can stop myself from being impulsive, I can force myself to stick around... those things I can control. But when my heart decides it wants to shut certain people out completely, I really can't control it. Once it happens, there's nothing I can do and there's no way to change it. I have a wall that I keep handy because I've been hurt a lot. And once it's up, it's damn near impossible to take down, even if I wanted to. And sometimes these people come back into my life years later, and they're still back to being the house spider. Idk. Something just won't let me go back to the way things were with certain people... and to be honest, now that I think about it I really don't even care. It's rare for me to have this reaction, so when I do, well... it's for a damn good reason... in which case, why the hell would I want them back in my life anyway? Why the fuck would I want to open myself up to risk being shredded a second time?
This was long. I typed a lot of thing just to type, to be honest, to keep my mind off of stress for a while. This money situation is just killing me right now. I don't know when I've ever had anxiety worse than this. Probably never. It's so bad that it's making my stomach hurt and giving me indigestion, even though the only thing I ate today was a Caesar Salad and it was 12 hours ago. Just... yeah. I thought talking to Bluelight about it would help because it usually does... I mean, it usually does help to type things out... get the thoughts outside of your head, trying not to let them fester in your mind... when you write them out on paper or even type them out, a little piece of the problem goes out into the universe and out of your head, which is always a good thing. But I don't know. It didn't help this time at all.
I mean really. Fuck my life right now.And fuck spiders too.
HeWhoHowls
Bluelighter
I can't sleep...
addictivepersona
Bluelight Crew
This is rather upsetting:
Is school really only one week away? :( :( :(
If I didn't have only one year left (in a second two-year degree 8)), I don't know if I'd be going back... Esp. with what this degree is for (Dietetics) and how I really do not support who it ultimately has to support (USDA/FDA)... :-/
Is school really only one week away? :( :( :(
If I didn't have only one year left (in a second two-year degree 8)), I don't know if I'd be going back... Esp. with what this degree is for (Dietetics) and how I really do not support who it ultimately has to support (USDA/FDA)... :-/
Ixchellian
Bluelighter
I'm wondering why, with me & my "friends", there's a sheet of glass with "Break in Event of Emergency" when it comes down to the friend part.
Fuckballs...... I don't mind being a problem-solver and having to regulate on bad situations sometimes.... but why the fuck does friendship with me always entail a condition that it be incommunicado, until some crisis breaks out that only I can piss down.
Wtf?
And speaking of..... how is it that someone elses' piss-poor planning, constitute an emergency on my part?
I'm tired of hearing "hey, we're good friends" for years, but when it comes time to sack-up and do some shit that real friends do for each other.... there's either absence, excuses, or silence.
For fucks' sake, I know the difference between a summers' or a golden shower..... the difference being that one just makes you smell bad and is a little humiliating. The dishonesty about which one I'm getting is what gets to me; its entirely shitfucking obvious to all parties concerned what the real score is, and my patience has worn far past thin.
I'm well within my rights to unfriend these people with a quickness, and with a whole fuckin lotta righteous prejudice.
Yet I don't; because if these poor dumb bastards are truly ignorant.... can I really fault them their mental & behavioral shortcomings if their only sin is being oblivious? At what point does it become willful ignorance?
<gnar>I don't run a tab on friendship, I don't keep score, and isn't it my human fuckin duty to help the unlucky poor dumb bastards when they well & truly need it besides?..... But shouldn't I at least have a right to be absolutely ripshit pissed about it sometimes, all the same?</gnar>
Fuckballs...... I don't mind being a problem-solver and having to regulate on bad situations sometimes.... but why the fuck does friendship with me always entail a condition that it be incommunicado, until some crisis breaks out that only I can piss down.
Wtf?
And speaking of..... how is it that someone elses' piss-poor planning, constitute an emergency on my part?
I'm tired of hearing "hey, we're good friends" for years, but when it comes time to sack-up and do some shit that real friends do for each other.... there's either absence, excuses, or silence.
For fucks' sake, I know the difference between a summers' or a golden shower..... the difference being that one just makes you smell bad and is a little humiliating. The dishonesty about which one I'm getting is what gets to me; its entirely shitfucking obvious to all parties concerned what the real score is, and my patience has worn far past thin.
I'm well within my rights to unfriend these people with a quickness, and with a whole fuckin lotta righteous prejudice.
Yet I don't; because if these poor dumb bastards are truly ignorant.... can I really fault them their mental & behavioral shortcomings if their only sin is being oblivious? At what point does it become willful ignorance?
<gnar>I don't run a tab on friendship, I don't keep score, and isn't it my human fuckin duty to help the unlucky poor dumb bastards when they well & truly need it besides?..... But shouldn't I at least have a right to be absolutely ripshit pissed about it sometimes, all the same?</gnar>
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Fyasko.
Bluelighter
Ixchellian-
people are like that man, i hate to say it but ime the majority of people are like that.
they're oblivious as fuck, and its annoying but theres nothing you can do about it.
i think the best thing to do is keep those people as friends, but learn to deal with their ignorance and be proud that you arent that oblivious.
hope that helps![:\](https://bluelight.org/xf/BL_Images/Orig_Emoji/wrygrin.gif "wry grin :\")
people are like that man, i hate to say it but ime the majority of people are like that.
they're oblivious as fuck, and its annoying but theres nothing you can do about it.
i think the best thing to do is keep those people as friends, but learn to deal with their ignorance and be proud that you arent that oblivious.
hope that helps
Ixchellian
Bluelighter
Fyasko.
Bluelighter
And that's why there's a TDS Rant thread.
:D
OK WELL HERE I GO.
<snip>
its funny how i start with 1 pill, with the desire to just finish some shit i had to do to prepare for school.
then i pop another, and another.
and silly me, i take it with tums to make it stronger, so i just keep chasing my high.
hitting up my friends talking all philosophically. i feel amazing, the brain...its a funny thing.
and now im writing this rant,
no wonder i cant feel emotions. muh poor brainz
EDIT: once again, sorry OverDone. this wasnt vent/rant thread material and i now realize that.
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Fyasko.
Bluelighter
sorry about that OverDone.
"(POTENTIALLY TRIGGERING)" is probably involving my post.
so i'll delete it.
sorry TDS
actually, im gonna edit out some stuff and keep it up, because when i browse this thread, ill remember how out of hand i got. talk about emberassing8(
"(POTENTIALLY TRIGGERING)" is probably involving my post.
so i'll delete it.
sorry TDS
actually, im gonna edit out some stuff and keep it up, because when i browse this thread, ill remember how out of hand i got. talk about emberassing8(
footscrazy
Bluelight Crew
That is a really shit situation xburtonchic. (I read the whole thing, gives me something to do at work at least ) That guy sounds like a real douchebag. I hate that feeling where you give people a chance and it just ends up being thrown back in your face. The feeling that you really tried hard to put yourself in his shoes and see things from his point of view, and he just used that against you, to his own advantage. I've experienced it before, and it's making me angry even thinking about it - I hate the feeling of powerlessness it can give you, because even though you were trying to do the right thing, you end up feeling like the fool. And it's small solace at the time to think 'you're the better person blah blah' when you're the one stuck with all the shitty consequences. It does sound like he's someone who is better to have out of your life, but as for the shittyness of the situation now, I don't have much advice. I tend to just stew and make myself feel worse at times like that. There is no doubt though that this situation just shows his character, and isn't any reflection on you personally.
I can't even begin to imagine how you're feeling about the abortion, luckily it's a situation I've never found myself in. I would be absolutely furious if I was in your situation, he is a cunt, pure and simple. Do you have some good girl friends you can talk to?
As for the money thing - do you have any family that could give you a loan? Maybe you will even have to look at moving back home or in with a relative/friend who can help you out for a bit? It's what I ended up having to do when my money situation got out of control, and while it did suck, at least I no longer have any debt.
) That guy sounds like a real douchebag. I hate that feeling where you give people a chance and it just ends up being thrown back in your face. The feeling that you really tried hard to put yourself in his shoes and see things from his point of view, and he just used that against you, to his own advantage. I've experienced it before, and it's making me angry even thinking about it - I hate the feeling of powerlessness it can give you, because even though you were trying to do the right thing, you end up feeling like the fool. And it's small solace at the time to think 'you're the better person blah blah' when you're the one stuck with all the shitty consequences. It does sound like he's someone who is better to have out of your life, but as for the shittyness of the situation now, I don't have much advice. I tend to just stew and make myself feel worse at times like that. There is no doubt though that this situation just shows his character, and isn't any reflection on you personally. I can't even begin to imagine how you're feeling about the abortion, luckily it's a situation I've never found myself in. I would be absolutely furious if I was in your situation, he is a cunt, pure and simple. Do you have some good girl friends you can talk to?
As for the money thing - do you have any family that could give you a loan? Maybe you will even have to look at moving back home or in with a relative/friend who can help you out for a bit? It's what I ended up having to do when my money situation got out of control, and while it did suck, at least I no longer have any debt.
xburtonchic
Bluelighter
- Joined
- May 17, 2011
- Messages
- 1,004
That is a really shit situation xburtonchic. (I read the whole thing, gives me something to do at work at least
I can't even begin to imagine how you're feeling about the abortion, luckily it's a situation I've never found myself in. I would be absolutely furious if I was in your situation, he is a cunt, pure and simple. Do you have some good girl friends you can talk to?
As for the money thing - do you have any family that could give you a loan? Maybe you will even have to look at moving back home or in with a relative/friend who can help you out for a bit? It's what I ended up having to do when my money situation got out of control, and while it did suck, at least I no longer have any debt.
haha I like your blunt honesty
I personally enjoy reading other peoples' long rants/trip reports/etc., and I like to write long ones as well... but I know most people aren't like that, quite the opposite really, and they just get annoyed haha. So thanks for taking the time to read my post and offer your advice! Yep, the feeling of powerlessness is definitely the worst part lol especially for people like me- the second I feel like something, no matter what situation it is, has become out of my control, I get really anxious about it. I wouldn't say I'm a control-freak or anything... like, I don't try to dictate other people. I'm not the next Hitler or anything like that. I just like being in full control of MY OWN situations because it puts my mind at ease knowing the outcome, and also knowing that if any mistakes are made or negative consequences come out of it, it's because of my own actions and not because of someone else's influence. I don't like it when I look away for one second and then when I look back, things have been taken out of my hands. Because it never ends up nicely when someone else takes control over your life without you consciously and specifically asking them to or telling them to or hiring them to do it, etc. When it comes to control between two people in a friendship or in a relationship or anything else, I prefer things to be on equal footing for the most part. That's when I feel most comfortable. So yeah... this guy is just... ugh. I was in complete control in the beginning, then he somehow got into the driver's seat, and then after a while I got sick of being the passenger so I just got out of the car. At which point, I started gaining some of the control back and it was feeling a bit more "equal" so to speak. But now that control is slipping away from me more than it ever has in this situation and I hate it. I know it doesn't reflect on me personally, that I can do better, that I DESERVE better, and on and on and on. But, like you said, knowing those things doesn't just automatically trump your feelings. If only it were that easy lol! I do have a few friends I could talk to, but I don't want to... not about the abortion situation anyway. I'm too ashamed by it to actually admit it to the people in my life that I care about. Idk. People know that he owes me money and that I'm not getting it and that I'm getting frustrated, but no one knows what he owes me money for. Whenever someone happens to ask I just say it's because he accidentally overcharged my debit card one day lol. Lame excuse, but what else is there to say? Oh and yeah I do live at home... I moved back in with my parents when I was 20. I racked up A LOT of debt in the military... I made good money there, and it never once occurred to me that I would get kicked out for stress fractures, and that the money I was making wasn't going to be coming in forever... so stupid me kept racking up the debt. I'll be honest, I've never been good at saving. I'm horrible at it. I'm impulsive as it is by nature, so my money is basically gone almost as quickly as I get it lol. Ugh I just hope I can finally solve all of this shit tomorrow for good when I talk to him...
Anyway thanks so much for the support and advice footscrazy. I'm glad someone shares my same opinion of him lol
**hAyzzZZ**
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Feb 24, 2005
- Messages
- 1,567
I feel so guilty, and it's all my doing. I have never felt so bad in my life. This is the third time in my life I have upset my sister, whom I love and care for SO much and respect, with my drug abuse. Hearing her say she cries and worries about me and is scared she will get a call saying I'm dead... it hurts more than anything. I just don't know what to do. Never did I think my stupidity affected her this much. And all I can think about is using and being ridiculously self-destructive. And all this tells her is I am selfish, I feel like a selfish fuck of a human being. All I can do is shake my head at myself. *sigh*
ocean
Bluelight Crew
^Have you thought about therapy?
Your post suggests you might be using to be "self destructive"- usually this stems from something......? Maybe dealing with these issues will help you get to the point where you are ready to deal with your problems in a healthier way?
If your family is worried, there is likely a reason why
Stay safe.
Your post suggests you might be using to be "self destructive"- usually this stems from something......? Maybe dealing with these issues will help you get to the point where you are ready to deal with your problems in a healthier way?
If your family is worried, there is likely a reason why
Stay safe.
Mystery Brew
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Jul 16, 2008
- Messages
- 1,152
Working my ass off to pay rent at Mcdonald. Being one of the older crew. Since I left they hired all new people when I came back. New kids got attitude. They dont know how to do shit but act like they now everything. They need there ego bust. Almost hit a kid in the dam face and beat the fuck out of him. ALMOST lost control. Ended up pushing his <snip> ass and he back the fuck off. Im fucking serious I aint playing around when I dont want to play around. Almost went to prison for good.
Fucking kids piss me off. Fuck them. I dont got a girlfriend. Got out a heavy heroin addiction, so my hormone is splurging. Fucking scared to even approaching a girl I like. I feel so high strung its impossible.
Anxiety, and anger rules half my life now
I just want to feel relaxed and comfortable in my own skin for real. An heroin did it. Its really a bad spot
Though its liberating to get out of a dope addiction.
Fucking kids piss me off. Fuck them. I dont got a girlfriend. Got out a heavy heroin addiction, so my hormone is splurging. Fucking scared to even approaching a girl I like. I feel so high strung its impossible.
Anxiety, and anger rules half my life now
I just want to feel relaxed and comfortable in my own skin for real. An heroin did it. Its really a bad spot
Though its liberating to get out of a dope addiction.
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OverDone
Bluelight Crew
- Joined
- Apr 14, 2008
- Messages
- 5,404
Fucking Jasper!!!!!
I'm puppy sitting my friend's 8 year old GIANT black lab and we are having a fucking blast together. I've really been missing my dog and this knucklehead came into my life at just the right time.
Every time I leave the house I come home to piss in the house. He pisses fucking buckets. The other day it was on my vacuum cleaner (got all inside it) and today it was all over my living room, fabric chair.
Fuck, man. This dog fucking LOVES me and I think he is cool as shit. I don't know what to do
I don't know much about friendship (real friendship) and I consider dude my friend. I gotta think on what a friend would do. I WILL NOT just drop him off at the back-up person's place and be done with him. I know for a FACT that that isn't how friends behave.
My shit is getting ruined but I'll figure something out
I'm puppy sitting my friend's 8 year old GIANT black lab and we are having a fucking blast together. I've really been missing my dog and this knucklehead came into my life at just the right time.
Every time I leave the house I come home to piss in the house. He pisses fucking buckets. The other day it was on my vacuum cleaner (got all inside it) and today it was all over my living room, fabric chair.
Fuck, man. This dog fucking LOVES me and I think he is cool as shit. I don't know what to do
I don't know much about friendship (real friendship) and I consider dude my friend. I gotta think on what a friend would do. I WILL NOT just drop him off at the back-up person's place and be done with him. I know for a FACT that that isn't how friends behave.
My shit is getting ruined but I'll figure something out
addictivepersona
Bluelight Crew
Is the dog house broken? How long are you leaving him?
Try barring water an hour or two before you leave (and while you're gone) and letting him outside (make sure he pees!) right before you leave.
OverDone
Bluelight Crew
- Joined
- Apr 14, 2008
- Messages
- 5,404
He is supposed to be house broken and I believe he is doing this out of spite (in a sense) because he KNOWS he did wrong.
I'm never gone for more than 3 hours (the average being about 2 hours). I let him out prior to me leaving but I think I will turn the air conditioning on and removing his water bowl for periods of time (that's a good suggestion!)
I'm never gone for more than 3 hours (the average being about 2 hours). I let him out prior to me leaving but I think I will turn the air conditioning on and removing his water bowl for periods of time (that's a good suggestion!)
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