• The Dark Side 💕 Welcome Guest 💕
    Posting Rules Bluelight Rules
    Notable Threads Urgent Hotlines
    Bereavement Mindfulness
    Suicide Support Anger Management
  • TDS Moderators: AlphaMethylPhenyl | paranoid android

Suicide thread, for assitance and support for all things related to suicide

Status
Not open for further replies.
all of your stories break my heart. all i can say is THIS WILL PASS! I am 35 and i have been through so much-including 6 suicide attempts. listen to this song and know it is true. if anyone wants to talk,feel free to PM me. seriously...i am here.

~Tool
~Parabol+Parabola


"hold on, stay inside this body holding me, reminding me that i am not alone" "all this pain is an illusion." "celebrate this chance to be alive and breathing."

i know your pain is real,but it will pass. there is so much beauty in the world you just have to open your heart,your soul and your eyes!!

i hope i did not offend. i send love to all of you in pain. i have been there.

MUCH PEACE and LOVE........................skillz <3
 
ZombiesarePeaceful,

Did you go to the hospital about the lump then, what is the story?
Man, am so sorry to hear you're feeling this way. :(
I know what its like to feel like a freak, it catches me unaware very often and just drags me under and I have no control over it.
You have alot of passion in you, I wish you could channel it to work in youre favour. I think alot in here consider themselves freaks, what constitutes one- I am really not sure, but I do know that beating yourself up emotionally isnt justified. It pains me to think you are doing this to yourself so much but being under so much pressure doesnt help either . :(
Life sounds really pressured for you at the mo. I know I cant make you feel better but just know that you are cared for in here. Your posts are always so honest and I respect that to no end.
Can/would you take some time off work, would that help any atm or is that out of the question?
I know its such a cliche but just keep hanging in, not to just exist but to try to accept yourself somewhat for who you are. I think you need/deserve that at least <3 You are not solely responsible for all the stress you are under and it is not all down to there being something 'wrong with you'.
Plz take care of yourself.<3
 
In March of 2011 I attempted suicide by sitting in my running car with a big "pool" hose sitting inside my window. As a result the police busted down the door and I ended up in the hospital for three days. Feelings are only feeling and we can control them. They do not last forever. Tomorrow is another day and hopefully we all can realize this. I've been through it all. I shot heroin for three years, went to jail, lost all family including my wife of three years in the matter of a year. Rehab didn't work. I moved from Ohio to Florida with two bags of what clothes I had after my wife took them all. I am happier not than ever and am happy everyday I am alive. I went to the phsyco DR. and was perscribed anti anxiety meds to help level off the lows and the highs. I am now pretty much constant meaning with my attitude. Yes, I have bad days but one bad night or day does not mean tomorrow will not better. you just have to make your mind up that no matter what you're going to make through this min, this hour, this day... Once you make it through that min or day you are going to make it. Anybody here contimplating suicide go to the doctor that deals with mental health. things do get better.
 
^^ Hey man, thank you so much for sharing that with us <3 It takes courage to share personal experiences like that and it is very helpful for people who are in a really dark place and thinking of ending their life.
So thank you. And I'm so glad to hear you're doing so well these days :) Take care <3
 
i'm currently on the phone with a friend in Toronto Police Service who had just came from a call for service which was a suicide.

He's a really nice guy. (not a typical asshole cop) and he's having a hard time, he's on the verge of crying and is just confused at why a young man in university would hurl him self down at the pavement so that emergency workers have to look at, take pictures of and clean up the result.

its affecting me too. Damnit...please think about the emergency workers who have to handle your suicide before you consider acting on it. Think how much hurt you cause to people who did nothing to deserve it.
 
Asclepius said:
ZombiesarePeaceful,

Did you go to the hospital about the lump then, what is the story?
Man, am so sorry to hear you're feeling this way. :(
I know what its like to feel like a freak, it catches me unaware very often and just drags me under and I have no control over it.
You have alot of passion in you, I wish you could channel it to work in youre favour. I think alot in here consider themselves freaks, what constitutes one- I am really not sure, but I do know that beating yourself up emotionally isnt justified. It pains me to think you are doing this to yourself so much but being under so much pressure doesnt help either . :(
Life sounds really pressured for you at the mo. I know I cant make you feel better but just know that you are cared for in here. Your posts are always so honest and I respect that to no end.
Can/would you take some time off work, would that help any atm or is that out of the question?
I know its such a cliche but just keep hanging in, not to just exist but to try to accept yourself somewhat for who you are. I think you need/deserve that at least <3 You are not solely responsible for all the stress you are under and it is not all down to there being something 'wrong with you'.
Plz take care of yourself.<3
Click to expand...

I scheduled with my doc for wednesday to get the lumps checked.
Taking time off work is out of the question. Need money plus they give me shit if I take off cause I'm the only temp who knows how to operate the kind of press I do, no other temp workers are intelligent enough to train, go figure.
I don't know if you know my situation or not...but I can't accept my...self..not self...whatever....it's a long story and if you seriously want to know, pm me.
This place is the only place I feel like I can say what I mean and people actually relate, maybe it's the fact that here we can all be open about our drug use, idk, but bluelight is the only place I've found like this and I'm grateful that it exists, seriously.
 
Glad you got a date to get it checked anyway.
Glad BL means alot to you/works for you. <3

Just have to run ATM but will throw you a pm very soon ZAP! :)
 
I am thankful that Bluelight exists too ZAP.

I understand how not going to work causes you anxiety - therefore it is better to keep working. Staying happy and positive is important above all else.

rangrz said:
i'm currently on the phone with a friend in Toronto Police Service who had just came from a call for service which was a suicide.

He's a really nice guy. (not a typical asshole cop) and he's having a hard time, he's on the verge of crying and is just confused at why a young man in university would hurl him self down at the pavement so that emergency workers have to look at, take pictures of and clean up the result.

its affecting me too. Damnit...please think about the emergency workers who have to handle your suicide before you consider acting on it. Think how much hurt you cause to people who did nothing to deserve it.
Click to expand...

I think typically people are too preoccupied with what is going on in their own lives to think about what happens to their corporeal form post-mortem, especially if they are contemplating suicide.

I can tell that you and your friend have big hearts for being affected by it. I am sorry your friend had to be there and witness that in the first place.
 
Pb109 said:
Things just came to a head for me on Saturday. I'm ashamed to say I stole my mums prescription. The pain was unbearable. I must have took about 5 grams of dried mushrooms after taking the diazepam and vodka. I just lay on my bedroom floor listening to the charlatans and loving the music. 2 hours after that I felt really sick and just went to bed and had a really bad trip. I couldn't get certain thoughts out my head. I was hoping someone would just come in and find me but that never happened. When the trip was coming to an end I just cried for a while and felt so ashamed.

On Monday I went to the doctors and told him how I feel and what had happened. He has put me on a course of citalopram. Which he said could take a while to work.

It's going to be hard but I'm going to calm down on the drugs. Maybe restrict my use to once a month or so. I had been taking MXE a lot and was getting no enjoyment out of it. The magic had gone and it only gave me bad thoughts.
Click to expand...

Ok, here's where my fucked up life is going now. Ive only done a months course on the citalopram and feel its not helping much. I'm only doing MXE occasionally to. I have however been sucked right in with another drug...codeine. For the past 3 weeks I have been using roughly 500mg a day using CWE. The most embarrsing thing about the situation is that I'm getting friends to buy me the stuff from chemists.

Now on Friday there I had a major bust up with my girlfriend. This is the girlfriend I cheated on for 1 year behind her back. I begged for forgiveness and she took me back and I was living with her and my nearly 2 year old son. Everyday however I'm reminded of what Ive done and on Friday it took it's toll. I flipped out and started wrecking stuff in the house. I then proceeded to get a Stanley knife and start slashing my arms. I cut them pretty deep. I have NEVER self harmed in my life. My girlfriend phoned my parents to come up to the house and get me.

Once I got back to my parents house I was calmed down and just started drinking beer to block out the pain. The situation now is that we have split up for good and I'm on my own. All day saturday was spent at my parents house drinking with there friends. All was well until I went to bed and had unbelievable suicide thoughts. I cried all night. I must have only got 2 hours sleep.

When I got up this morning I experienced suicidal feelings like never before. Such pain and emptyness. I couldn't hide this to myself and told my parents that I need to see a doctor pronto. The main reason I wanted a doctor was because I wanted a strong valluim to stop the pain and the thoughts. Here's what really fucked me of, he told me to phone my local doctor in the morning and gave me nothing. All he done was advise me to get some drug counselling and see a psychiatrist. I panicked when I left cause I was wondering how I would get through the day without actually harming or killing myself.

When I returned I said to my mother that I had to take codeine to ease my pain and help me sleep and forget about things. She let me do this but is understandably worried sick. The codeine worked perfect and sleep was achieved. Now I just have to get ready to see my local doctor tomorrow. Right now as I type this I'm having a couple of beers and cigarettes and feel ok.

I have never ever felt as suicidal as I did today. My whole family know the situation now to. I keep looking at my arm and see the cuts and think to myself what the fuck is happening to me. This is such a scary, dark, empty, lonely time in my life. Even when I think of my lovely son the thoughts are still there. I need to battle through this for his sake because it would be awful for him to grow up without his dad.
 
Hey PB109,

Am really glad your son is helping you get through this and that despite your pain, you are fighting through this for his sake, this is really noble and... your right... he does need his Dad to be there for him. You will be the most important man in his life.
Sounds like you are going through a really rough time hun. :(
Its good that you are reaching out to your Parents and this shows just how much you are fighting for yourself. Bottling up feelings only causes more pain in the end.
The guilt over and losing your relationship must be devastating for you but you will get past this in time hopefully with some help. You need to be able to let go of blaming yourself and/feeling like a failure.
What happened happened , it happens to people all the time you cant change the past but you can move forward from this with some help.

You probably realise that medicating yourself is only a temporary measure and that on its own, it isnt going to take away the pain, long-term.

Getting support for this is really a priority for you but that will have to be your decision to make. It would be a good idea I think to even try to be open to the idea of seeing a Therapist and/Psychiatrist and getting some evaluations done. You are going through alot at the moment and it seems like the pressure is just too much to cope with alone.
You mentioned in your post about becoming sucked in to taking Codeine. Codeine addiction does escalate; Depression is one of the psychological side effects here, it is an insiduous addiction, so perhaps it would be a good idea to consider taking some action now and seek help, rather than let things snowball even more for you and your son's sake?<3
 
Asclepius said:
Hey PB109,

Am really glad your son is helping you get through this and that despite your pain, you are fighting through this for his sake, this is really noble and... your right... he does need his Dad to be there for him. You will be the most important man in his life.
Sounds like you are going through a really rough time hun. :(
Its good that you are reaching out to your Parents and this shows just how much you are fighting for yourself. Bottling up feelings only causes more pain in the end.
The guilt over and losing your relationship must be devastating for you but you will get past this in time hopefully with some help. You need to be able to let go of blaming yourself and/feeling like a failure.
What happened happened , it happens to people all the time you cant change the past but you can move forward from this with some help.

You probably realise that medicating yourself is only a temporary measure and that on its own, it isnt going to take away the pain, long-term.

Getting support for this is really a priority for you but that will have to be your decision to make. It would be a good idea I think to even try to be open to the idea of seeing a Therapist and/Psychiatrist and getting some evaluations done. You are going through alot at the moment and it seems like the pressure is just too much to cope with alone.
You mentioned in your post about becoming sucked in to taking Codeine. Codeine addiction does escalate; Depression is one of the psychological side effects here, it is an insiduous addiction, so perhaps it would be a good idea to consider taking some action now and seek help, rather than let things snowball even more for you and your son's sake?<3
Click to expand...

Thanks so much for taking the time to read my post and reply to it Asclepius :) you are right about me needing to forgive myself. People do make mistakes but my son was only 5 months at the time. So much guilt. The thing that really upsets me the most though is that my girlfriend was my best friend. For 9 years. Then out of the blue I cheated on her behind her back for 1 year. Words cannot describe how sorry I am for what I've done. I also had a choice to be with that other woman I was seeing but in the end I begged my girlfriend to take me back so I could see my son everyday. This is the thing that is fucking my head up MOST though - I can't get that other girl out my fucking head. I still have strong strong feelings for her but I'm pretty sure she has moved on :(

After seeing my local doctor today I have now have an appointment with a psychiatrist. I told my doctor how much pain I was in but all she seemed interested in was showing me a fucking website on her pc on how to deal with suicidal thoughts and depression (moonjuice it's called). Then she said I need to keep taking citalpram. I tried as best as I could to tell her that I wanted something to numb me like a valluim but she was having none of it and only prescribed me the citalpram.

I didn't do codeine today also. I made a conscious choice not to buy it. I still feel terrible but seen my son for a good few hours and that put a smile on my face. I'l let you guys know how I got on at the Psychiatrist
 
^Indeed ZAP ;)


Pb109 said:
Thanks so much for taking the time to read my post and reply to it Asclepius :) you are right about me needing to forgive myself. People do make mistakes but my son was only 5 months at the time. So much guilt. The thing that really upsets me the most though is that my girlfriend was my best friend. For 9 years. Then out of the blue I cheated on her behind her back for 1 year. Words cannot describe how sorry I am for what I've done. I also had a choice to be with that other woman I was seeing but in the end I begged my girlfriend to take me back so I could see my son everyday. This is the thing that is fucking my head up MOST though - I can't get that other girl out my fucking head. I still have strong strong feelings for her but I'm pretty sure she has moved on :(
Click to expand...

No worries Pb!;)
The whole relationship/women situation sounds very confusing at the moment. Just try and take it easy on yourself...sometimes this can be a distraction from yourself(either good/bad) but it all sounds so complexy that it seems like your not going to get any peace with it ATM. If youve feelings/fantasies just let them be but I wouldnt advise on jumping in to anything for the time being until you feel more empowered in yourself and can be a bit more confident about whatever your decisions will be.
That excess guilt is something that needs to be tackled-It isnt about whether the decision was right or wrong-its how you are feeling about it that matters and just accepting that whats done is done, and trying to leave it go, in the past where it belongs.
Your not a bad bloke-you just sound human TBH and trying to figure things out.


I didn't do codeine today also. I made a conscious choice not to buy it. I still feel terrible but seen my son for a good few hours and that put a smile on my face. I'l let you guys know how I got on at the Psychiatrist
Click to expand...

This is great, gud on ya! ;) Glad you saw the Doc(even though she didnt give you waht you wanted-not always neccessarily a bad thing per se! ;)) and that you had a few hours of respite with your son. Just build on what you can Jp. Do let us know how its going...best of luck with it.
 
Last edited:
<Your personal judgements are not needed here, consider the nature of the Thread before you post>. I can only say that I think it is 100% reasonable that your doctor didn't give you valium. I not only think it is reasonable and in your best interests, but medically legitimate and sound practice. Have you really convinced yourself that GP's should be prescribing addictive meds, at first visits, to drug-addicted, suicidal patients? Just read that last sentence again.

<not relevant>

I've been in terrible places, and the realisation which helped me most was this: we naturally incline to the view that suicide involves a 'relief' from adversity, that it will put an end to our troubles, but this is illogical to the degree that death almost certainly involves an end of sensation; viz., when we are dead, we have no thoughts or feelings one way or the other, so it is false to suppose that it could be preferable to the living state. It cannot be anything, good or bad, nothing is predicated of it and it is just an unqualified end. So we cannot refer it to anything and as a result cannot evaluate it.

<snip-irrelevant>
S
 
Last edited by a moderator:
Yeah Asclepius, im going to try and get these woman out my head and concentrate on getting my mind back to normal. My mum is being very supportive right now and is keeping a close eye on me. The only drugs im getting just now is a bit alcohol and cigarettes lol. I have my appointment for the Psychiatrist on the 7th July. I will keep TDS informed of my progress.

suessmayr - The state I was in over the weekend and Monday I had convinced myself that I needed a valium to calm me down. I just wanted to numb the pain. Then i freaked out yesterday when the doc said give the citalpram some more time to work. I have calmed down now though thanks to the support of my mother so looking back maybe it was a good thing I wasnt prescribed valium.
 
Hrmmm it shit's me that i've wound up in this situation in my life yet again. 21 years old and 4 suicide attempts under my belt.

I got out of a psychiatric ward about a month ago where I spent about 50 days and a week before that I was in a resuscitation ward/ICU after deliberately OD'ing on IV H and clonazepam.

I've been diagnosed with Rapid-cycling Bi-polar disorder, Borderline personality disorder, chronic refractory free floating anxiety, panic disorder and sleep disorder/insomnia. To manage these i've been taking 600mg sodium valproate and 20mg lexapro however up until about a month ago I was on 1000mg seroquel, 6mg alprazolam, 40mg diazepam, 20mg temazepam and 20mg escitalopram daily.

Now in my last manic phase I fucked up and managed to get myself in a decent amount of debt and my GF just got her most recent phone bill which was huge from calling me when I was in the ward... She fully flipped out and smacked me in the head and left the house. She's been gone now for a while. It's looking like i'm going to have to move back interstate home with my parents... Now I CAN'T deal with living with my parents.

Sigh. Fuck life.
 
Hey Tripman sorry man <3 The phone bill seems to just be the trigger rather than the actual issue. Maybe she will be ready to talk things through after a while once she is feeling a bit calmer.

I can certainly understand not wanting to move back in with parents. If it does come to the point that you have to move do you have any friends that you could stay with for a while that understand your situation and who won't create too much extra strain for you at this time?
 
Oh I know it's the trigger. I don't think she can really handle my up's and downs. Mainly i'm permanently hypomanic. But with Rapid-cycling Bipolar i'm prone to a lot of episodes.

In the state I live in currently I don't really have any friends that I could stay with no. I know back interstate I would, but my family would probably completely ostracise me if I moved back there and didn't come home for a bit at least. My mother begged me to come home after my recent psych ward experiences. I can't really afford to be cut off from my family at this point in my life so it's a really fucked up situation. The only other option I seem to have is to be readmitted to the ward indefinitely till I sort things out...

Going back there though they'll turn me back into a zombie with high doses of anti-psychotics and then try to get me to agree to ECT which is the last thing I want so it's all really fucking getting to me at the moment.

It's times like this I look at my cat and wish I could be her... Sleeping eating and getting loved. That'd be the life
 
Hey Tripman,

Think your right to not cut off ties for the moment.
I guess it doesnt have to be a full time measure/plan moving home, although it is not what you want ATM, bare in mind, for yourself, that it is just temporary.
Do you think your folks would help you to find some support that would be less pressured; than in the way you described in the ward(which sounds frightening to be honest)?

<3
 
Last edited:
Status
Not open for further replies.
Top