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Vent/Rant Thread 1 (POTENTIALLY TRIGGERING)
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panic in paradise
Bluelighter
"bumble bee tuna, bumble bee tuna - pssst your balls are showing"
-jim carrey
-jim carrey
PendulumAM
Bluelighter
I hate how I have no one to talk to about opiates. Even though I'm clean it would still be nice to share some experiences with someone. Too bad everyone I used to do them with is in jail. 
ugh I hate cops, why cant they just leave us harmless idiots alone? I mean damn this is Orlando, you would think they'd be too distracted by Casey Anthony or something to worry about dumb junkies.
ugh I hate cops, why cant they just leave us harmless idiots alone? I mean damn this is Orlando, you would think they'd be too distracted by Casey Anthony or something to worry about dumb junkies.
SideOrderOfOpiates
Bluelighter
May I please genuinely relate to someone for five solid minutes? Is that possible for a gal like me, or would that require some type of legitimate death + reincarnation?
I hate the fact that no matter what tricks I try I'm slipping beyond any hope of ever having a life I want to live again. Now and then for a time I can persuade myself there will be some point to it if I pass just one more obstacle but there never is. There are things I want that I can't stop wanting and that pretty much decides how it's going to be. I'm starting to consider the option that the worst possible thing I could do is quit drugs, return to society (which is what I'm trying to do) and achieve what others deem valuable just to delay the inevitable.
There's sodium valproate (prescribed this week) and lithium within my reach. Chances are one of those could make this thought go away but I don't see the point in running from it. I've started to develop a problem with MDMA recently even though I know the damage it's doing (hard to care atm) so for now I'll assume my judgement may not be at it's best. I'm not suicidal in general nor looking to die right now, I just can't remember what it feels like to want to live. Sometimes I see it vividly, if briefly, after the right drugs or learning/experiencing something interesting.
I'm sick of this place (my home) with all it's familiar faces and socially/culturally inbred assholes who have a world view based mostly on reality shows, evening news, gossip and superstition. The shit falling from my ass makes more interesting sounds sometimes than their mouths. I guess all the friends I could relate to realized this viper's nest would slowly kill them inside and left. It's killing me there is nobody IRL to talk to about anything. I was nice and friendly to people most of my life but there came a time I needed their support and then I saw how it's more about appearances than actually being there for "friends". It's easier to just abandon a sinking ship than investing yourself or risking what others think of you. To this day I fail to see what's so important about having the approval of others. Disapproval is far more pleasing in a twisted sense and tends to breed competition, not complacency.
I learned to appreciate the rare true kindness and empathy after being fucked over by my father (had to edit: nothing sexual), beaten by my stepfather and being forced to leave everyone I know behind many times, to eventually live in a primitive roman catholic nightmare (under the same roof with my stepfather) before turning 12 when I finally got back to Finland. (where beating a kid would not have been tolerated) I don't want any good-willed person to feel as bad as I did every day back then. I cried myself to sleep hoping it would end only to continue crying in the morning at the thought of another day. I begged my mother to let me go back home but she was unhappy as well and didn't see what was happening. I found that when I keep alone and quiet, I don't have to take so much shit and that seems to have become the best option again 20 years later even if for different reasons. I can't bring myself to be mean to people who don't deserve it but lately I don't have any positive feelings for them either, so here I am with nothing but material shit left and no direction whatsoever. I would burn everything down without hesitation for one thing that had value to me, money and objects have very little.
Oh well. I really wanted to put this into words because I feel like crap, even a monologue on the internet works. Good idea for a thread. I think I'll roll the rest of my stash tonight for better or worse and be done with that for a while. No idea if it's on the safe side but being alone with this state of consciousness right now definitely is not. Good music on MDMA makes everything seem so perfect and beautiful for a while.
There's sodium valproate (prescribed this week) and lithium within my reach. Chances are one of those could make this thought go away but I don't see the point in running from it. I've started to develop a problem with MDMA recently even though I know the damage it's doing (hard to care atm) so for now I'll assume my judgement may not be at it's best. I'm not suicidal in general nor looking to die right now, I just can't remember what it feels like to want to live. Sometimes I see it vividly, if briefly, after the right drugs or learning/experiencing something interesting.
I'm sick of this place (my home) with all it's familiar faces and socially/culturally inbred assholes who have a world view based mostly on reality shows, evening news, gossip and superstition. The shit falling from my ass makes more interesting sounds sometimes than their mouths. I guess all the friends I could relate to realized this viper's nest would slowly kill them inside and left. It's killing me there is nobody IRL to talk to about anything. I was nice and friendly to people most of my life but there came a time I needed their support and then I saw how it's more about appearances than actually being there for "friends". It's easier to just abandon a sinking ship than investing yourself or risking what others think of you. To this day I fail to see what's so important about having the approval of others. Disapproval is far more pleasing in a twisted sense and tends to breed competition, not complacency.
I learned to appreciate the rare true kindness and empathy after being fucked over by my father (had to edit: nothing sexual), beaten by my stepfather and being forced to leave everyone I know behind many times, to eventually live in a primitive roman catholic nightmare (under the same roof with my stepfather) before turning 12 when I finally got back to Finland. (where beating a kid would not have been tolerated) I don't want any good-willed person to feel as bad as I did every day back then. I cried myself to sleep hoping it would end only to continue crying in the morning at the thought of another day. I begged my mother to let me go back home but she was unhappy as well and didn't see what was happening. I found that when I keep alone and quiet, I don't have to take so much shit and that seems to have become the best option again 20 years later even if for different reasons. I can't bring myself to be mean to people who don't deserve it but lately I don't have any positive feelings for them either, so here I am with nothing but material shit left and no direction whatsoever. I would burn everything down without hesitation for one thing that had value to me, money and objects have very little.
Oh well. I really wanted to put this into words because I feel like crap, even a monologue on the internet works. Good idea for a thread. I think I'll roll the rest of my stash tonight for better or worse and be done with that for a while. No idea if it's on the safe side but being alone with this state of consciousness right now definitely is not. Good music on MDMA makes everything seem so perfect and beautiful for a while.
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^ From my experience, being able to decouple desire and expectation from your pursuits seem to be one of the major keys to long lasting happiness. So many people have the same mindset as you, where they think that they'll be happy as soon as they have/achieve xyz. But once they do, they find that there is simply another step yet that they need to take, another thing to get, another achievement to notch before they can be happy.
If you can find contentment here and now, then any improvement is a huge bonus and will only serve to improve your existing happiness. This is, of course, far easier said than done, but it can happen. The benefit of work is the work itself, not the fruits of the work. Those are just the bonus.
If you can find contentment here and now, then any improvement is a huge bonus and will only serve to improve your existing happiness. This is, of course, far easier said than done, but it can happen. The benefit of work is the work itself, not the fruits of the work. Those are just the bonus.
That does sound hard but I believe you're right. I hope it comes to that, I see some people looking at life that way and they are generally always happy. Acute moods happen but that's true for everyone who is not Buddha. The main problem with enjoying the moment for me is an endless need for stimulating activity. Never content just being for more than minutes. Everything moves so slow I want to scream and the only way to slow down the noise in my head is drugs. It's tiring beyond description and wears out relationships faster than mania.
Maybe peace is not as far away as it seems if it's more about a new perspective. Thanks for your response. Time to dig out the ear orgasm pills and dive into the world of sound (which definitely would be better with company). =)
I hope it comes to that, I see some people looking at life that way and they are generally always happy. Acute moods happen but that's true for everyone who is not Buddha. The main problem with enjoying the moment for me is an endless need for stimulating activity. Never content just being for more than minutes. Everything moves so slow I want to scream and the only way to slow down the noise in my head is drugs. It's tiring beyond description and wears out relationships faster than mania.Maybe peace is not as far away as it seems if it's more about a new perspective. Thanks for your response. Time to dig out the ear orgasm pills and dive into the world of sound (which definitely would be better with company). =)
SideOrderOfOpiates
Bluelighter
After unspeakable events, I now feel as though I will never be able to trust another man again. I had enough issues with men since I was a toddler due to knowing that my biological father never cared to be part of my life. Now, I have even more knowing that a man tried to fucking kill me in a way too inhuman to even state. Other men have told me they would punch me in the stomach if I got pregnant, other men have told me they hoped I got AIDS AND cancer, and others have made me piss in fucking buckets and witheld me from using the bathroom just to watch me suffer. I am not at all the one to play 'victim', but what the FUCK did I do to deserve such barbaric treatment? What the FUCK did I do to warrant being KILLED, HIT, RAPED, CUSSED AT, HELD DOWN, ABUSED, ATTEMPTED TO BE SOLD AS A FUCKING OBJECT...THE LIST GOES ON. What the fuck has NOT happened to me as a result of a man? With Father's Day approaching, I feel sick. I feel sick to know that a man tried to kill me with a baby inside me. I feel sick to know who it was and that he knew. I feel sick to know that the abortion was on Father's Day. I feel sick to know that the baby might have been the result of multiple rapes. I feel sick to know that for the rest of my life, I will sit here on every Father's Day, and realize that so many men in my life have hurt me...and as much as I should not equate Father's day to the general population of men in general, I cannot HELP but wonder how many of them would hurt me in the ways that I have been hurt. It is HUMAN NATURE to avoid and be skeptical of what hurts you, and goddamnit men, you have evoked emotions in me that no human being should have to feel! So, to any man who reads this, I raise you one question that I do not want you to publicly answer, if you were to die tomorrow, would you continue to treat the women in your everyday life the way you have treated them? If you would treat them differently—do so.
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panic in paradise
Bluelighter
... you kick ass 101% to say the very least SOoO - i think anyways.
SideOrderOfOpiates
Bluelighter
Likewise, panic! Thank you for the kind words! No one honestly has heard even half of it. Holidays always just seem to bring forth quite a bit—I've been through a lot of shit on holidays that I would not wish upon the people who brought it to me! I am just simply at the point where I would rather risk my entire fucking life and possibly leave a trail to save others... than say nothing at all, so I suppose that explains part of my behavior.
panic in paradise
Bluelighter
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panic in paradise
Bluelighter
______________________________________________
it brings the whip ~
personally
...
it brings the whip ~
personally
...
PendulumAM
Bluelighter
I have the same issues. After my biological dad got my mom pregnant, he split and has never attempted to talk to me. Last December my mom was talking to him on facebook and apparently he wants me to take a DNA test before he will even believe he is my father. My mom KNOWS that he is, and we look so alike anyways, but I think this is another way of him trying to be in denial. fuck him. he was never there for all 20 years of my life so far. never helped me or my mom out a bit. I have a stepfather who I have a better relationship with now as an adult but as a kid he always treated my sister and brother (who he had with my mom) better than me. So i've always had issues with guys that i've dated. I had an abusive boyfriend who made me feel like absolute shit and would hurt me and say I deserved it. My last ex boyfriend introduced me to opiates, which led to my year and a half long addiction. he also got me in a bunch of legal troubles that I am still trying to sort out. I might have a felony on my record and subsequently my life ruined because of him. and this makes me so mad because I just give and give and I am always a great girlfriend, I do what my boyfriends want and yet I always have the ones that constantly put me down and make me feel like shit. I have 2 half brothers that I have never met and probably don't know I exist because of my bio father. I hate that feeling of being the unwanted child who is kept a shameful little secret. maybe I wouldnt have made so many fucking bad choices in men and life if I hadn't been shit on by the fathers in my life.
PendulumAM
Bluelighter
I hate how some people say that its never the fault of the person who introduced you to drugs. "you picked up the needle yourself." my ex boyfriend literally BEGGED me for more than 2 months to try shooting up roxies. I kept saying no. he kept pressuring me. And finally one night I was like "fine, i'll try it this once," since he said one shot wasn't gonna hurt me. and then BAM, I felt the best euphoria of my life, and that led to my long opiate addiction. yeah, I could have just kept saying no, but when the guy you are pretty much reliant on and who tells you he cares about you and would never hurt you keeps trying to get you to do something, I feel like maybe its not 100% my fault for getting into that shit! he was the kind of guy that bragged about getting people to try certain drugs for the first time.
SideOrderOfOpiates
Bluelighter
Firstly, I just wanted to take a brief moment to thank everyone for all the kind comments in regards to my post last night.
Secondly, PendulumAM, I'm sorry to hear that you have issues in regards to your father, too. Unfortunately, a lot of gals do. As much as I totally feel you, I also have heard many stories that are far worse. Try to be grateful for what you do have. Although certainly not idyllic, there are far worse situations, and you are undoubtedly not alone!
Secondly, PendulumAM, I'm sorry to hear that you have issues in regards to your father, too. Unfortunately, a lot of gals do. As much as I totally feel you, I also have heard many stories that are far worse. Try to be grateful for what you do have. Although certainly not idyllic, there are far worse situations, and you are undoubtedly not alone!
ocean
Bluelight Crew
I'm sorry for what you have been through SooO and Pendulum.......
Remember to look forward and not back.
Letting this out is positive and can help you to leave the past where it belongs.....
While certain days may hold a horrific memory, keeping that memory as a part of making your current days harder, only hurts yourself......the people who have hurt you don't suffer as you do on those days......
I see it as letting those people take more than they have already from you.
Keep light and hope in your heart, remember your worth and strength.
Thank you for sharing what you've been through, it may help others find the strength to grow.
Remember to look forward and not back.
Letting this out is positive and can help you to leave the past where it belongs.....
While certain days may hold a horrific memory, keeping that memory as a part of making your current days harder, only hurts yourself......the people who have hurt you don't suffer as you do on those days......
I see it as letting those people take more than they have already from you.
Keep light and hope in your heart, remember your worth and strength.
Thank you for sharing what you've been through, it may help others find the strength to grow.
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