• The Dark Side 💕 Welcome Guest 💕
    Posting Rules Bluelight Rules
    Notable Threads Urgent Hotlines
    Bereavement Mindfulness
    Suicide Support Anger Management
  • TDS Moderators: AlphaMethylPhenyl | paranoid android

What's on your chest.

i laid here for around 18 months, thinking my 'ribs' and 'shoulder-blades' were dissolving or something, massive 24/7 pain - waiting for it to end pumping the stuff that was destroying my lymph-nodes into my thigh every 10 days. my ribs and scapula's, our entire body are covered in the things to help push out toxins.

they hurt, my lymph-system did, not my ribs or bones ... this is why the x-rays and bone scans would always turn out just A-okay... this is why i kept going back for "help"


this is profound -
i can only allow it to make sense...


Edit:
both of the TNF pain-blockers i tried, which instigated all this, are also famous for and being taken off the market for causing Mesothelioma(sp) and Lymphoma - go figure fuckers...

outKast - mainstream
" think is is what it aint all peaches and cream "
 
Last edited:
SideOrderOfOpiates said:
... and with every new candle on that cake, comes a lack of forgiveness for failure(s), and the expectation of more and more responsibility. I don't want responsibility, goddamnit. I have peter pan syndrome and I am having a bit of an existential crisis. That is what is on my chest.
Click to expand...

IDK - maybe you could-of-guessed my response to this...

:: maybe try at that moment in so many senses and fewer thoughts :: light your candles after blowing and then let them have your cake ::


that is if it seems sensible to you - as sensible as 'fearing' time: the tick-tocking-clock (its got'cha hooked) so then growth is seen in the same context or light - and further the mistakes or falls/drops of the past are allowed to be repeated with them so on/in our minds, and harbored deep in our thoughts- let that all go, and pick yourself up only, maybe???

id bet after enough of this you'd or we'd all have the patience and confidence of a crocodile - later - just waiting in and out yet half-floating while always partly sunken in the waters; comfortable in our or most any element.
 
Slain said:
I'm starting to fall in love with a girl I shouldn't...
Click to expand...



I use to bang a girl that was very good looking but was a psycho, like if she thought i was cheating on her(w/o evidence) she would bop me in the head while I was sleeping with a spatula, shit would hurt. Anyway, I dont care how hot she is, if she has mental issues, run!!!
 
I fucking hate my loser roommate.. and his pessimism and spite. But most of all, I hate myself for not being strong enough to overcome the firm hold opiates have had on my life for the past few years.
 
I cheated on my partner of 10 years. It wasn't a 1 night stand, I was involved with someone else for 1 year. What makes it worse is that my son was only 5 months old when I began to stray. Pure guilt and shame. I live in a small town and everyone knows what I've done.
 
Ok its been over a month since i used my DOC. My perspective has changed now cause i dont spend all my time scheming and plotting how to get dope. I appreciate how my life has calmed down.. problem is i have emotions that are surfacing since i stopped. I feel very guilty about all the bad things ive done. Shit makes me sad. I know im a bad person and how can i feel about that? I cant get over it. Shits eatin me alive..:(
 
The Rock Monster said:
Ok its been over a month since i used my DOC. My perspective has changed now cause i dont spend all my time scheming and plotting how to get dope. I appreciate how my life has calmed down.. problem is i have emotions that are surfacing since i stopped. I feel very guilty about all the bad things ive done. Shit makes me sad. I know im a bad person and how can i feel about that? I cant get over it. Shits eatin me alive..:(
Click to expand...

Good job with the one month :)

Emotions surfacing is not necessarily a problem...this could be all the feelings that were already there but that the drug use was covering up. If you allow them to come up and be felt, then you will be less likely to feel the need to use drugs for that purpose. It's not always easy process but in my experience the feelings themselves are usually easier to handle than all the anxiety/tension/etc that comes with suppressing them.

Why do you think you are a bad person? We all may do things labeled as "bad" according to society's rules but you don't need to consider yourself a bad person because of that.
 
Why am i a bad person? Because i robbed and stealed to get by. Ive ripped off countless people. All i cared about was staying high. Now that my perspective has changed stuff is really sinking in. I cant believe i did all those bad things. When i was using i didnt give a fuck about fucking anybody over. I didnt think twice about that shit. Now im realizing just how bad i am and unfortunately i am dwelling on it
 
I can totally understand what you mean. I'm just saying that FEELING and BEING are two different things.

"I feel like a bad person" does not mean "I am a bad person"

Not trying to diminish your feelings at all. I'm constantly beating myself up over everything so I just hate to see people believe they are inherently bad because their thoughts/feelings are telling them so.
 
I'm sad because of what I've become. I'm seeing every day how strong my inhibitions and avoidance reflexes have become, far beyond what I can control. I've been turning down or getting highly anxious of and avoiding all sorts of new things for me. It's like I've spent so much of my life festering and resenting that now that all the things I wanted before are literally there for the taking, I find myself getting an irresistible flight reaction from everything. it's driving me mad. It's like I'm running away from feeling alive again. I'm hopeful for the future.. but this thing right now, i'm missing out on relations, oppurtunities, adventures, because of my paranoid and reserved nature
 
this was amazing to myself -

i was speaking with someone, at the start of my lil' "heart-break" and in my fuKd up physical pain months ago...

chatting and thinking i asked what goals they had, what they felt they needed to do in the next 10 years..?


they shyed off,,, thought and then answered with all hesitant-sincerity "to fly in a hot air balloon"


i dont know how to describe it, this started a perfect domino of emotional negation in my head which i couldnt deny so i couldnt stop it - a jolt of founded polarity - or something.
 
grrr8Dane said:
The total lack of friends in my life. That's what's on my chest. Sigh :\
Click to expand...
Ditto :|



Op: I feel like I'm an old man having his mid life crises or something, lmao, because I can't stop looking at the past...Of my youth when I was different and more innocent. Yet I'm 18 so wtf. I feel like I grew up too fast, I suppose, and I barely have good enough friends to talk to. People like me, but I strayed away to the point they don't talk to me as much cause of my depression.
And don't forget the drugs, what a mess. I'm not caring about anything lately. I just try to shut off any feelings to the point I'm emotion-less. I hate the feeling of overwhelming sadness. I believe it is the worst, to me. I'd rather convert it to anger or something but it goes right back to that. Fuck it, then nothing.

Oh well though, I'm still trying to find out how to figure my life out before I can find true peace in overall stability. Hmm.

Ps - I'm pretty stoned right now so excuse the bad grammer if I have any lol
 
tommrow morning im going to be bug bombing my apt. and im very nervous and a bit scared because im going to have to get out of it for at least 8 hrs. im very phobic about people i dont really like them, and im a bit paranoid and untrusting of the whole trip. im going to be leaving my 2 salamanders with a family member overnight, and im going to have my cat with me all day until i can go back home. im leaving the salamanders overnight just to be on the safe side because they are so delicate. i bug bombed before i got them and argento, my cat was just fine afterwards, so i know he will be fine, i just dont want to take any chances with my salamanders. im writting caresheets for my cousin and im just a nervous wreck about everything. im so afraid somethings going to wrong. im glad i came across this thread, the timing couldnt have been more perfect. thank you:)
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Top