Saw a good friend and had some great conversation today. Good friendship = medicine.
I just wrote so much in response to this and Windows 7 in all it's unquenchable thirst for FAILGASMS just chose some button or whatever to click that erased the whole fucking shit.
I totally agree with you Legerity, I went to my friend boo's house on Easter cuz the S.O. was sleeping from 10a-6p from a dex binge fri/sat into sunday, and it was so de-stressing.
I wasn't planning on going to see boo on Easter, I would have rather done something special with S.O. unique to my beliefs. Easter for me is a celebration of individual re-birth and resurrection to be celebrated with those people fighting with you to become the self you want to be... it's not about a tomb where jesus use to be or whatever, it's not about boosting candy sales or a bunny rabbit though bunnies are super awesome nonetheless, but S.O. hates all holidays and has even slept through Christmas all three years we have been together, so I have kinda come to expect that I will be spending holidays alone, though to be honest it still suprises me that I feel 10x more lonely, depressed, and occassionally suicidal/self-harming on holidays than when I'm alone on any other day.
I just couldn't sit in my moldy apt looping in asking S.O to wake up to no avail, going outside to smoke cigs to fill the void of companionship and repeating any longer. I'm trying to quit smoking and being alone makes it impossible for me to not smoke to cope, so I said ok self, “You don't have a car because your mehanic stole it... You don't have a license because you made the mistake of covering S.O's ass when he was too fucked up (and asked me if I would drive his car to cop him and his retarded ass friend some dope—so out of love, I did and ended up getting a completely bogus ticket he didn't try to help me pay before my license was revoked) or too “tired” (said he couldn't drive back from DC from visiting his friend though I had been up as long as he had helping him study for a final and I ended up driving w/no license, getting pulled and then getting arrested for the first time ever- not something I ever thought would happen) so should I say fuck it and go see boo for the sake of trying to avoid getting cancer, or stay in the depression of the situation?”
I decided I would go get a smoothie and a pack of cigs--- since S.O hid the carton I got earlier and wouldn't tell me where or wake up to get one for me (degrading, I know) with the credit card he's let me use for all kinds of stuff in the past since we already agreed I would pay it down however much I spent--- and go to boo's house since I was sure I wasn't going to get pulled on Easter and I was right, I didn't see a single piglet to or from boo's house. This simple act of an attempt at self-preservation caused more damage than I could have ever imagined.
As I was telling boo goodbye to head back home, I get a call from the S.O yelling at me to bring back his car and credit card or he is going to report both stolen.
So I get back home to be told the following:
“You are the most vile person I have ever met. You completely fucking disgust me. You are the worst friend I have ever had and I don't know how anyone can even stand to be around you. You are just as horrible as your dad. ( My dad psychologically and sexually abused me, my mom and my bro and sis... My dad also recently held my brother at gunpoint b/c he said my brother stole a carton of “his” eggs... just to give you an idea of the comparison, and the hurt intended by the comment.) You don't really love me. You are a thief and you should just FUCKING KILL YORSELF, SERIOUSLY. GO GET SOME ROPE, MAKE A NOOSE, PUT IT OVER YOUR HEAD AND STRING YOURSELF UP FROM THE CEILING- FOR REAL PLEASE GO FUCKING KILL YOURSELF NOW.”
In the past I have cut myself when he was like half as vindictive as he was on Easter, but I managed to stay strong because PTSD makes you dissociate, and oddly enough, it separated me from my emotions so effectively, I was able to understand that in fact he wasn't saying these things because they were true but because he was projecting his own self-loathing onto me. Did I think about grabbing a sharp object and fucking my heart to death with it? Of course, but I realized it wasn't a pain I had caused him, it was pain his mother had caused him, I was just the most convenient target and luckily, a female too. So for the first time, that kept me from cutting or doing something else injurious when I have to take a verbal beating. In fact, the only drug I abused that night was nicotine and I have shittons of lorazepam and adderall I am very careful no to become addicted to but could have very well taken to OD. And for that, I was rewarded by The Great Power Of Justice in the Universe-- See I couldn't find any shrubbery for like... a while and then the most amazing trichomaliciousness landed in my lap, and in all of God's infinite jest and irony, the name of the strain happens to be “nightshade.”
So how were you guys' Easters? :D
![:\](https://bluelight.org/xf/BL_Images/Orig_Emoji/wrygrin.gif "wry grin :\")
