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Mental Health Eating disorders support thread v.2

woamotive said:
Point being - drugs have been my replacement for the eating disorder. I fear that w/o drugs I will revert. I will have nothing (and 'me'? I'll have 'me'? Please.
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I can complete relate to that. I don't use many drugs in the grand scheme of things but without knowing they're there for me I don't think I could cope. For me anorexia was like a drug, it made everything else go away, made me completely numb to all my emotions- and physically too, at my worst stage I fell down a massive stone staircase with a huge plaster cast on and didn't feel a thing. Thats what I think makes it so hard to properly let go of, how can I give up an outlet that will allow everything bad in my life to just vanish? But even putting it like that is tricking myself cos it gives the impression i have some control.

n3o and Ascelpius i'm so sorry to read both of your posts.


you're really not hypocritical n3o, as Ascelpius pointed out, your own experience is what enables you to write such understanding words in the first place. these things just don't seem to go away once they get to you, even if you get to the point where you think you can stop worrying about it anymore, as soon as you stop being vigilant it can creep back up on you, and even if you are being vigilant they can try to worm their way back in. i'm glad that you finally felt able to post.


ugh and i know how it feels when some food you ate some time previously, even if it ws ages ago, just wont go away. its tormenting, i hope the toast stops looming soon.

Ascelpius I hope you enjoyed your salad with your ex. You're totally right about trying to outsmart the 'ED' though its needs to be done with care- I have replaced anorexia with orthorexia rather than truly attempting to recover and it was just as bad if not worse (just all the extra food you're allowed plus all the extra rules associated to each item make eating less manageable than just not eating) and i relapsed very quickly. That said, orthorexia is clearly healthier just cos you eat more, and then if you have more sugar in your brain your more equipped to deal with whats really bugging you. But yes, eating for health is definitely a good way to try to outsmart the ed, but its hard not to shift all the obsessions straight over onto that.

I hope you all have something nice lined up for today. I'm just working and if I get enough done, going to the gym. Had this revelation that snacks exist and am eating loads more as result, to compensate for eating less at meals. nutritionally its a nightmare cos i cook healthy meals but snack on crap. i think i might be eating too much now, i never ever know how much i'm supposed to eat somehow and can't count calories because every time i associate numbers to these things the numbers have to be small. I'm just gonna try and forget about the possibility i'm overeating for the time being and get my head down working, its preferable to my brain being starved because then i can't work at all. i'm fairly sure if i just get some decent work done i'll fell so much better about my life that my appetite will come back. i'm finding it much easier to keep the eating up than when i first posted because work is going slightly better.

I'll be checking back in to see how you're all doing, and hopefully offering consolation or advice, seems like everyones having a hard time right now, very sad indeed.
 
^^ Thanks chinup <3
I hope you had a good day today too hun. Snacks can be heathy!! Munch on some dried fruit, or an apple, or some nuts (unsalted), or a tub of yoghurt. Snacking doesn't have to be on just crap food :)


Asclepius how did lunch go with your ex? <3


woamotive how are you today love? I am a very empathetic person as well, like you described, I feel strongly connected with everyone who posts in TDS. It's good because it means we can relate to people more, but it's bad because we can be known to take on other people's problems as our own.


Anyway, I had lunch with my sister on Wednesday and it was lovely. We sat out in the sun in a park and my little nephew played in the playground. We ate sandwiches and I was distracted long enough for the food to digest and me to not feel bad about it. Social eating is definitely better for that.

However, then yesterday (Thursday) I kinda binged, I ate Maccas for lunch and a big bowl of pasta for dinner, then a tonne of chocolate after dinner. I've just kinda written yesterday off though and today I'm back to not eating.

I hate to say it but I am relieved that I haven't eaten. <editing out my own triggering comments :D>
 
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So glad I found this thread, I was reading some of the threads for heroin addiction and thinking that is exactly what I have for food. I am terribly overweight. A month and a half ago my husband and I decided to divorce. I got REALLY into eating well. I lost 30 pounds in a month and a half. I was doing so well then a week ago I fell off and have not been able to get back to it. Once my weight started to plateau and I wasn't losing anymore, I gave up. I feel so pitiful and horrible about it. I don't feel like I can stop eating again. I wonder how much I have gained back but am afraid to even look.
It worries me a lot, because I moved down here to Australia with my husband and now I am moving across the country from him to get some space and I am afraid of what will happen. I feel like quite a social outcast these days. I am sure a lot of it is self inflicted. Ah well...
Just in response to one of the above posts, a lot of people are not familiar with what alcohol does to your bodies metabolism. Enjoy the toast and ditch the grog. :) Good luck to everyone and here is to hoping I can jump back on the weight loss horse again soon.
 
morning all. hope you're well and had good weekends.

haha n3o yes, snacks can be healthy, i was being very silly. luckily they have stopped selling these amazing crisps that i was eating loads of. have actually realised its much better if i just split my meals in two. i'm still not in general getting to the end of them but it takes the best from both worlds: nutrition from decent cooking and the added calories of more frequent eating. that said over the weekend, for the first time in nearly a year, i had the completely fuzzy head that i associate with lack of sugar so i clearly need to work a lot harder.

think my boyf has noticed, possibly helped by the fact he went on this computer with this thread open. i don't know what to do. i should come clean but i'm already putting him through loads of shit with general moodiness and depression, and though lack of food explains both of those quite well i don't want to pile on another worry. but then he probably knows. argh i really should have come clean before now.

northwest: i think divorce is one of the most stressful things you can go through. it makes sense you're finding it difficult to cope, and i suspect focusing on food is helping you to forget about the trauma of the divorce. i'd suggest you try to work through the emotional issues the divorce has brought up, and hopefully that way you'll be able to deal with that and the food simultaneously.
 
n3ophy7e said:
Asclepius how did lunch go with your ex? <3
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^^ Hey Northwest, glad you found the thread too! <3 Like chinup said, all the emotional crap from a divorce must be devastating for you hun, especially when you have to move and start your life all over again. :( I understand the overweight issue too because Ive gone through the spectrum of shapes and sizes with this bloody disorder. I hope you get help to deal with what your going through ATM, its alot to take on alone. Let us know how you are and pm me if you need at any time. <3

^Chinup, rekon maybe coming 'clean' to him might give him an insight into the moodiness etc so he wont feel it's just him/you? Perhaps the explanation that the E.D. is bringing on stress and moodswings might be easier for him to handle? Dont beat yourself up for not telling him before, your only ready when your ready; its difficult enough to recognise the full force of this thing and its knock on effects in our lives and try and let go of the notion of control. <3

n3ophy7e said:
Asclepius how did lunch go with your ex? <3
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It didn't! :/ He isnt interested in helping me with my eating, has his own problems and they have taken him over completely ATM(but thats another story!) Thanks for askin anyway hun. ;)

How are you getting on N3O pet?<3

Today I've binged *sigh* It's knocking me out and Im all in a 'cotton wool bubble', its the coming out of it that bothers me...ugh. :(

*whoa! ^just noticed all the hearts: Needy, needy, needy lol
 
So I read all the posts in this thread and the first thing I just did was convince my girlfriend to create a BL account and to come check out this ED thread. She has a history of ED's and substance abuse and Im glad there is something like this I can suggest to her if she feels the need to talk to someone who has or is experiencing what she had/ may always will have (an ED).

Does anyone here have an eating disorder where they excessive eat // eat to mask problems?
I am trying to find more info on the subject as I have been thinking about my bad eating habbits.

I eat when I am bored ontop of when im truly hungry and it sometimes worrys me. When I am eating a meal, even when I am stuffed, I can't seem to stop eating unless the plate is physically removed from my site.

I am in pretty good physical condition, I may even be underwheight however the thought of an ED being present still lurks in my brain.
 
hope everyones ok. my nausea has been thankfully absent for the past few days. its been replaced by actual feelings. i prefer the nausea.
 
^^W33dsp: I wouldnt worry too much my pet, would say your an emotional eater and you have to watch it(alot of people are); you've probably been made very aware of unhealthy eating habits and your attention is on it. Eating is usually something that people consider benign, say your awareness has been raised due to circumstance. Actually the whole thing must sound completely ridiculous to someone who has never gone into that territory but body chemicals can be altered in many ways; whether subtly or aggresively. If you happen to be a certain kind of physiologically/intuitively sensitive individual, you can learn to manipulate your physiological chemistry through food intake/abstinance. It's control. It makes alot of sense if you go through it. Your caution is commendable, look after yourself.

^ Thanks for askin sweetheart. :)<3 LMAO indeed, I aknowledge your disdain! ;) :D

Have been with my family the past few days so(thanks to my mother) have had a plethora of food that is 'safe' for me, served up. Therefore my mood has been better. Am just worried that I cant nourish myself, I get too stuck in my thoughts and try and control/restrict my food-it really is a Self-harm thing. :( ...Still, even though I wish I could grow out of it, the desire to punish myself is still there(I know why) but I do think it should be 'gone away by now'...am too old for this shit... I always want to be thin but I am better metally/emotionally when I've some degree of food down me. Am embarrassed I still cant regulate my food intake by myself. :( This is why I have avoided most substances/relationships; as logic would dictate, if one cant handle food(the most basic of substances that alter your chemistry)...how could one manage anything else? Major Fear.

As Walter said to 'The Dude': 'Nothing is Fucked...your bein very un-Dude''' ;)
 
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First time posting here: I use to be bulimic (well I still am I guess you could say...I think I always will be). I started binging and purging I would have to say back in seventh grade. I was going through a lot though and I made friends with this girl who would limit her food intake. So then I started trying to do the same thing. It wasn't anything major at first but then it got serious. I even would hide food under my pillow that should have lasted for a week or more but I would eat it all at once. Then of course I would purge. This kept going on for awhile until my sister caught me because we shared a bedroom and I would do this at night....my mom came in my room flipping out.... She didn't know I was throwing up though. This just caused me to become very embarrassed and feel disgusted with myself. I still get made fun of because of that night...

Yet, I no longer binge/purge like that. I went through a big time period when I could eat normally and not try to control my intake....or lose control of it in a sense. Don't get me wrong I still want to go into the bathroom sometimes and stick my tooth brush or fingers down my throat but I fight so hard to not do it. Yes, I have slipped up and gone through with it but I'm doing a lot better than I was before. Except recently I have been thinking about controlling my diet and exercise again....I use to write in journals the exact amount of exercise I would do and the exact foods I would eat. And if I didn't follow what I had written I would feel like a failure.

No one has even tried to get me help....I haven't tried either. It just seems like my mom doesn't want to believe I have an eating disorder. She just ignores it. So I've been fighting this for over five years all alone.
 
Hey Always(love your Avatar bTW ;)). Five years is a hell of a long time to be managing stuff all on your own. :/ :( <3
The shame around this Disorder is the hardest thing. I remember hiding food for a long time(in fact I got kind of addicted to being surreptitious about too many things, and though it made me feel like I 'won' I't also made me feel isolated and different(but I guess you have to feel that way first; to start acting out with these behaviours, eh!?!)
Glad you have shared this, it is a very secretive problem-even if you aren't actively bulemic it seems like the feelings and intention around it are still there... It must be difficult to have your Mom ignore your problems like that, can kind of relate to that...my Mother only started giving me any genuine, positive attention, when I got near underweight. It was bittersweet; I used to enjoy shopping with her because I was such a small size and was comfortable trying on clothes etc... but I hated that that was the only way we could bond...even to this day shopping for clothes for myself has to be done pragmatically or I get all 'issuey' about it.
My Mother is a great Nurturer but she has no idea of how to respect me as an adult-she always has to be in control, so Ive learned to create that illusion for her(she is damaged-its not her fault, she didnt ask for it). Its still a bitter pill to swallow.

Would you feel like your in the position now to get help? Or even do some research around it?
Am so glad your fighting so hard not to purge, for yourself! ...however you and I know the feelings around it keep manifesting themselves, that need to purge is there; I still dont fully understand all the technacalities, or the 'why's' of it completely myself, wish I did?

So glad you posted here hun. It's easier to get through this struggle together. You are believed on here! <3
 
Thank you Asclepius your username is really awesome and unique....sadly I could say otherwise about mine lol! And yeah I've been fighting all my problems alone for the longest time but I have always been the type of person who isn't open about their feelings. I have grown kind of hard on the outside.....only last year my best friend saw me cry for the first time ever.

By the way my mom is almost the exact same way as yours. She is nurturing but she definitely likes to be in control. She trys to make all the decisions for me and she is very over protecting. Yes, she has loosen up over the years but I wish she would treat me as an young adult and not a child. I mean I am intelligent and I can make good choices (even though I'm not right now)....it's just she wants all this respect when she can never even give me any. I understand that she has gone through a lot but she thinks that gives her a reason to act the way she is..... It always seems like a battle of who's worse off with her.

Also she contributes heavily to my negative self image. I had to deal with her calling me fat as well as my father when I was younger... I mean I just was little and had a little extra weight it was even anything major.... My father even taught me that I had to suck in my stomach all the time. The sad thing is whenever I walk around I do that all the time. I don't even know I am doing it. This has been going on since elementary and I'm about to graduate. My mother also always complains about her weight and she takes it out on me. So we both kind of feed off each other.

In the position I am now I know I should get help but still I am very hesitant. I remember back when I wrote a note about it to my mother because I was so embarrassed to even tell her about it. She came into my room and hugged me ect. I was crying and I thought things were going to change. Guess what? I was wrong. That was back when she found all the food hidden in 7th grade....she still has the note and uses it against me. She makes jokes about it all the time and she even quotes things from it. One time I totally lashed out on her because of it....it just wasn't a pretty situation. So this is another reason I haven't gone to her for help. She always doesn't take it seriously or she does but decides to use it against you.

I'm happy I posted this here too because I'm tired of doing this alone... It's just so hard. And I hope things can get better for all of us. <3
 
^Happy you posted here too hun. <3

:( Am so sorry they were so insensitive/disrespectful to you, its amazing how parents can do that kinda stuff to kids. Seriously, sometimes I think they just dont understand themselves let alone their kids. My Mother has acted extremely superficially in the past too, in her case it seems to be that she compartmentalises things and just cant empathise(ironically she is actually very sensitive herself) so I wonder is it the fact that they simply project the way they feel about themselves and want to 'toughen us up'(crude understatement- I know 8)... but this seems to be the prevailing attitude in my experience)... this is completely hurtful and/harmful behaviour, on their part . .>:/
I spent alot of my younger life 'Mothering' my Mother because she just didnt have the emotional rescources and was 'acting out' looking for them off of me...luckily for me my Father helped fill a niche in the nurturing stakes but not quite in the protection one's.8)
I get the 'lashing out' situation...It is very difficult when your not being listened to, or your feelings are taken forgranted, especially by your Mother! You don't have to be and certainly aren't alone in this Always. <3

Check out this link(and links therein): Eating Disorders and Family Relationships
...there may be alot that you can relate too in it and if you do decide to get therapy etc it might help to know that the therapist has some idea of what there talking about beforehand so you dot feel like your throwing yourself to chance alone. ;)
 
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Asclepius said:
^Happy you posted here too hun. <3

:( Am so sorry they were so insensitive/disrespectful to you, its amazing how parents can do that kinda stuff to kids. Seriously, sometimes I think they just dont understand themselves let alone their kids. My Mother has acted extremely superficially in the past too, in her case it seems to be that she compartmentalises things and just cant empathise(ironically she is actually very sensitive herself) so I wonder is it the fact that they simply project the way they feel about themselves and want to 'toughen us up'(crude understatement- I know 8)... but this seems to be the prevailing attitude in my experience)... this is completely hurtful and/harmful behaviour, on their part . .>:/
I spent alot of my younger life 'Mothering' my Mother because she just didnt have the emotional rescources and was 'acting out' looking for them off of me...luckily for me my Father helped fill a niche in the nurturing stakes but not quite in the protection one's.8)
I get the 'lashing out' situation...It is very difficult when your not being listened to, or your feelings are taken forgranted, especially by your Mother! You don't have to be and certainly aren't alone in this Always. <3

Check out this link(and links therein): Eating Disorders and Family Relationships
...there may be alot that you can relate too in it and if you do decide to get therapy etc it might help to know that the therapist has some idea of what there talking about beforehand so you dot feel like your throwing yourself to chance alone. ;)
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Yeah, I always had to mother my own mother as well.... I mean she can take care of herself most of the time but still she acts out and has so many problems and can't deal with them correctly. Also I have to make sure everything is going right in the house and I'm the one finding the solution for everything. Then I get no thanks for it at all. Oh well, I'll be out of the house soon so they'll know how it is with out me... Then maybe they will understand how much I should mean to them.

Sadly, my dad has been in and out of my life. My mother and him use to get a long but things turned shitty so he left when I was in elementary. I talk to him every now and then but really only a few words.......and far from nearly enough. Also my mother makes me feel like shit. She's honestly the only person that really makes me hate myself... I love her a lot and I know she loves me but things need to change.

I'll definitely check out that link tomorrow but I'm about to go to bed but thank you a lot. I hope I get a therapist but I don't think that's happening soon. I'll probably start going to one on my own when I'm out of the house in a few months.
 
alwaysblazed, hey, glad you're thinking about getting treatment and sorry to hear about your mum and that note. it angers me to think someone could behave so insensitively, let alone your own mother, and must be incredibly hurtful. my family have always been very patient and supportive, my mother suffers from extreme depression at times but apart from the odd lashing out doesn't dump it on others.

i've been doing much better, actually feeling hunger occassionally over the weekend. prob cos i was visiting old friends and feeling good. nausea is back thoguh, not while eating but after eating. i think my digestive system has already been affected by my slight starvation as i ate the same as everyone else but ended up in massive pain, i try to chew my food etc to help but it doesn't. so now not eating is an arse cos i am getting hunger but eating is an arse because i can't digest properly. ugh.
 
chinup said:
alwaysblazed, hey, glad you're thinking about getting treatment and sorry to hear about your mum and that note. it angers me to think someone could behave so insensitively, let alone your own mother, and must be incredibly hurtful. my family have always been very patient and supportive, my mother suffers from extreme depression at times but apart from the odd lashing out doesn't dump it on others.

i've been doing much better, actually feeling hunger occassionally over the weekend. prob cos i was visiting old friends and feeling good. nausea is back thoguh, not while eating but after eating. i think my digestive system has already been affected by my slight starvation as i ate the same as everyone else but ended up in massive pain, i try to chew my food etc to help but it doesn't. so now not eating is an arse cos i am getting hunger but eating is an arse because i can't digest properly. ugh.
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i was diagnosed with gastroenteritus when i experienced the same thing as your last paragraph. i couldn't eat unless i was on some kind of drug. my digestive system was fucked from the infrequent eating patterns that my stomach was eating the lining in it, which is possibly why it hurts for you too. it's an easy fix - doesn't make you gain weight, just gets rid of that wretched pain. prilosec over the counter, it says 14 days cause it's for heartburn but i was prescribed prilosec that was stronger and told to take it for two months

i really only needed about 3 weeks of it but noticed a difference within a day or two

i would throw up full meals cause my stomach couldn't digest things. it's your anxiety playing in too - i always denied it but i does come into play as you may not consciously be thinking it but your body is freaking out because it hasn't had what you're eating before/how much in so long. and that's where the sick feeling comes in, i used to only be able to eat 2 bites of an actual meal before i ran to the bathroom. could just feel it coming back up my throat and i didn't know why. but prilosec really worked for me hope you give it a shot

gl
 
chinup said:
alwaysblazed, hey, glad you're thinking about getting treatment and sorry to hear about your mum and that note. it angers me to think someone could behave so insensitively, let alone your own mother, and must be incredibly hurtful. my family have always been very patient and supportive, my mother suffers from extreme depression at times but apart from the odd lashing out doesn't dump it on others.

i've been doing much better, actually feeling hunger occassionally over the weekend. prob cos i was visiting old friends and feeling good. nausea is back thoguh, not while eating but after eating. i think my digestive system has already been affected by my slight starvation as i ate the same as everyone else but ended up in massive pain, i try to chew my food etc to help but it doesn't. so now not eating is an arse cos i am getting hunger but eating is an arse because i can't digest properly. ugh.
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Yes, I wish my mother was supportive. Right now in her eyes I'm perfectly fine... She doesn't see me as having a eating disorder or drug problems. If that is the illusion she wants to believe then so be it. I know she tries to help me in some ways but she goes about it the wrong way. I am angry my mother is like this but I've have grown to accept this and I hope maybe one day she will understand.

I'm happy to hear that you're doing somewhat better. Yet I hope your body can regulate itself so you can eat normally again. I hate when you become hungry and you want to eat but then when you try to you just feel as if your getting sick ):
 
I'm posting here on behalf of my boyfriend, here's the situation:
When he was younger, about 13-14, he was addicted to cocaine and this changed his eating habits drastically. He got off the coke and his parents caught him smoking weed (they still have no idea he did coke) so they concluded that he must be depressed and sent him to a psychiatrist. The psychiatrist put him on wellbutrin, which is a mild stimulant and appetite suppressant. At this point he was used to not eating and simply didn't think about it. He says he would go days without food without even realizing until he fainted.
So now fast forward a few years. He's 19 now and still struggles to maintain a proper appetite. He often feels nauseous and has stomach pain, and many times he will end up vomiting what he ate because his body just wont keep it down. Some days he will smoke weed so he can eat, but we both realize this isn't a solution to the problem. I have been reading through posts in this thread and my heart goes out to all of you as I've struggled with anorexia and bulimia myself. Part of me thinks he simply fucked up his metabolism and stomach because I know the feeling of being so hungry you can't eat and your throat closes up and it's painful to try, but this has been going on for soooo long.
I read the suggestion to chinup that there could be a possible food allergy involved in her lack of appetite and relayed that info to my boyfriend. I suppose I'm wondering if anyone has experienced something like this and most importantly what I can do to help. I'm strongly encouraging him to talk to him mom so he can see a dr about this
 
i took a drug for arthritis that made me drop ~40lbs in 35 days... i still havent been able to gain more then 10lbs and then that is gone in a few days; its been around 2 years or something.

i wouldnt even consider food, if i would start to feel like i need food, it was just an empty sensation... eventually an actual hunger sensation came back, and hard, biting my tongue eating like wild man !

--------------------
one day after eating i felt like i was just blowing up, won some cash or something, and i then thought about how we have serotonin receptors and then some in our stomachs... were these "switched off"??? i was instantaneous due to a medication reaction, but i wonder if after a period of time with out eating for days that this could occur, making food basically an object to your senses..?

i never vomit though, just turn green and try to go to sleep.

he should seriously go to a primary care doctor and a specialist - or even the er and they would try and get an idea of whats going on while its happening... some people get ulcers from cocaine, especially if they are predisposed, it could simply be that, but any possible erosion does spread over time if he is vomiting often enough, or has reflux; which he may not even notice after so long.


sorry for the ramble, but do take care
 
hey all.... sorry to resurrect this. don't really know what to do. my appetite came back and the sickness went. now my appetite has gone again. but i'm so worn down and depressed by this stage i really have no desire to fight. my motivation to fight was losing my phd. well, i haven't lost it, but it already feels lost.

i really wanted to go to the gym this morning, haven't been in weeks. barely slept all night, so stayed in bed late, so no longer have time to do a decent amount of work today and go to the gym too. i have been too tired/lazy/apathetic/busy/bleurgh to go to the gym recently and i don't know why but i'm in tears about it. i feel like i'm turning into a massive blob. everything points to the conclusion that i shouldn't eat. i know my boyf will notice. i bought all my usual stuff to eat in the week and its all still in the fridge. gonna try a yoghurt i think.

i hope you guys are doing a little better.

edit: did very well yesterday after the yoghurt. had about half a sandwich. then got pissed and benzoed when i knew dinner was on the horizon so had a whole pizza. i need to come up with a better strategy to make me not stress about eating but i don't want to eat i feel so fucking fat so its mainly just to appease my boyfriend. we had an argument about the weekly shopping list today. i dnot want to eat so how the fuck am i supposed to know what food to buy?
 
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