Is it asking too much?

[Wadsworth]

To request my boyfriend choose between me and his psychedelics?

Honestly, I love my boyfriend. I've never felt this way about anyone before (and I've... been around the block, so to speak), and he's the only person I've ever been able to imagine myself with possibly long-term (I have huge commitment issues, so that's a big statement for me to admit). However, he was diagnosed with Paranoid Schizophrenia after a particularly bad acid trip last year. There were preexisting signs that he had it, but we thought it was merely depression until he had an LSD-induced psychosis period. The episode lasted him four months... and it was absolute hell... and not just for him. It nearly destroyed our lives, and our relationship. It put me and his family in difficult situations, and was easily the most terrifying/exhausting/trying/depressing experience of my life. We were told we might never get him back because his condition was so far gone.

With lots of anti-psychotic medication, and time in a psychiatric facility, he finally slowly came to. He's been on and off Abilify for the last few months, and is better than he was before the incident.

However, now he wants to put all that in jeopardy again. My relationship. Our lives. His family. He's been really into the idea of taking shrooms, and is getting curious about Cocaine. He's only ever taken Ecstasy, smoked weed (mostly tripped bad), salvia (again, bad trips), shrooms (a lowish dose, that he claims he enjoyed, but who knows what would happen now if he were to try them again) and done acid twice (neither time was a positive experience in the slightest). Post-episode, he's only done weed and Ecstasy. Yet he thinks he'd be just fine now if he does psycs again. He's convinced his mind set is better equip to handle it.

I call bullshit. I'm sure he feels better and has a better mindset... but I don't think that's going to count for jack shit when psychedelics send his Schizophrenia spiraling into fuckville again. He's not cured. It didn't just magically disappear.

The thing is, I won't do it again. I think he's a fucking selfish prick for even considering it. It makes me so bitter and mad sometimes that I've considered breaking it off once or twice, just because I feel as if he'll never get out of this self-destructive cycle so we can actually have a life. I won't bathe and spoon feed him again. I won't watch his parent's hearts break as they beg their son to return to his normal self.

I gave up so much of my time and my heart for him... and now I feel like he's just going to fuck all and piss on that. Like he doesn't give a shit.

I've told him before that it's either me or the psychedelics, but he doesn't seem to take me seriously. I already let him talk me into letting him get back into smoking pot with friends on occasion, and taking Ecstasy once every 4 months. I feel like he's already pushed his boundaries by even pressuring and guilting me into that. I've been more than lenient enough. After what we both went through... HOW DARE he ask any more of me?

I guess what I'm asking is: Do you think I'm overreacting? Am I being a controlling cunt? Should I let him make his own decisions, regardless of how they affect me? Or am I doing the right thing by being concerned about his health and well-being?... Our health and well-being.
And most of all---

How do I get him to take me seriously?

 

[Shambles]

No brainer. If he can't distinguish or differentiate between a drug and a human being he is not boyfriend material, imo, ime, xtc, lsd, dmt, etc, etc.

 

[alterego.shadow]

I think you should leave him. There are plenty of fish in the sea that aren't as fucked up as him.

 

[Legerity]

If you do not feel comfortable putting up with his psychedelic and mental health issues, then that's your choice. It's not possible to force people to change, so if he is not willing then it will be up to you to make the final decision and end it if you are uncomfortable with the situation.

 

[Wadsworth]

Well, to clarify, he's not a bad person. This is the only issue we have. It just so happens to be an incredibly... serious one in the right circumstances.

He does so much for me, and honestly, even if I wanted to leave him, it would be difficult. I don't make enough to live on my own, and my family is 1300 miles away. If I did end things, it would still fuck my life in half. So, although it IS an option, it's a really complicated one.

Not that I wouldn't do it if I didn't have to. I'd just like some side-advice and alternatives before taking that large of a step...

 

[madskilz]

He has already got to experience them.. fuck that... you are concerned for his health and for good reason, if he loves you he will conceide.

I hate ultimatems.. try to make it sound as gentile as you possibly can, but thats what it is.

 

[Wadsworth]

I hate them too... but I HAVE tried to reason with him and take a softer approach. He just... doesn't take me seriously about it. I don't know how else to get it into his head that it really does have to come down to one or the other.

 

[Tunnelfission]

I would be very sad if I was diagnosed with a mental disorder and couldn't take psychedelics ever, but honestly I would choose human love over risky tripping. My mind is well fit for psychedelia but many are not. It would be depressing if I could never trip due to high risk of an episode but I could live without it and still have an important and deep life.

 

[Incunabula]

I guess what I'm asking is: Do you think I'm overreacting? Am I being a controlling cunt? Should I let him make his own decisions, regardless of how they affect me? Or am I doing the right thing by being concerned about his health and well-being?... Our health and well-being.
And most of all---

How do I get him to take me seriously?

No, your not overreacting, and no, your not being a controlling cunt. Not at all.

You are doing the right thing. And your boyfriend is being an ass.

I´m really sorry for you. You are in a really shitty position. As I see it, the only thing you can do is give him an ultimatum. Tell him to not take the mushrooms, and if he does it anyway, you split. Just get the fuck out of there. You really must do it. You must leave if he takes them. Because you have to protect your self. You have to think about yourself first. That guy can turn the rest of your life into a HELL!!! if you allow him to.

Give him a last chance. And then that´s it.

I really hope for you, that you can get some sense into his head.
Just keep reminding him what happened last time he tripped.

Good luck

 

[atara]

Is your boyfriend this guy?

Schizophrenia isn't the sort of disorder that "goes away". That said, MDMA is much harder on the dopamine system than psilocybin, which is to say that if rolling didn't exacerbate it it would be surprising to see that psilocybin would. People with schizophrenia should avoid psychedelics, and all recreational drugs, but schizophrenia-as-drug-complication is more of a stimulant thing than a psychedelic thing.

That said, I don't give relationship advice.

 

[Jblazingphoenix100]

I think you should leave him. There are plenty of fish in the sea that aren't as fucked up as him.

Yup.

I would at least try one last time, telling him that ALL the drugs go (besides ones that won't set off his paranoid schizophrenia, which is few), or you go - sit him down and give him the ultimatum - a choice he has to make then and there, while listing off all the bad reactions to drugs he has had.

IF he's worth it to you, otherwise I would just bail.

Even though usually I am against ratting, I would tell his family of his every intention regarding drugs, because he's putting his mental health in severe danger of "never coming back", and he sounds very naive about drugs and their effects on the brain.

 

[being]

My suggestion is to show him this thread. It might help him understand how you feel etc.
And there are ways to explore/expand the consciousness without any drugs. For that I would suggest meditation. It's a very healthy alternative.

 

[Solipsis]

I don't think I would put it that way, he sounds messed up and like he pretty much was before it went really wrong. Either you think he is not boyfriend material in general or you accept that he has a rough time with things. I cannot see inside his head but the reason he is considering taking such drugs with bad judgement might be the same reason he is taking stuff badly in general.
Agreed he sounds very naieve about his own mental state and the risks involved with taking any drug including the ones he already consumed post-episode, but I didn't think I'd be the only one to say that it might not be so simple: with schizophrenia there is a lack of distinction between reality and delusions, am I wrong to think that perhaps his idea that it will be okay if he took psychedelics is also a form of delusion?

If not then I guess it isn't inconsistent to judge him for it and giving him the choice would be more understandable.

 

[Incunabula]

with schizophrenia there is a lack of distinction between reality and delusions, am I wrong to think that perhaps his idea that it will be okay if he took psychedelics is also a form of delusion?

No, I don´t think you are wrong to think so. This could very well be the case.
But what is it to her? it makes no difference in my eyes. Either he understands that he has to keep completely away from psychedelics (and probably other drugs aswell) or he´s a lost cause, better left alone.

There´s not much you can do when people loose their minds. If I were her I would give him one chance before I GTFO and started myself a new life.

 

[Solipsis]

You say a lost cause better left alone, I do think that people with such a mental illness who still use drugs are slowly or fast going to a bad place but if that makes them better left alone then what does that say about your relationship - you'd have to admit that you were doing it in the first place to make yourself happy and not the other.
Unfortunately MANY relationships are like that and it's not what I like to call real loving support, no offense to anyone. Staying with someone through a very harsh illness must be so very difficult and I probably couldn't do it myself so I am not saying I am better than anyone!!

The only thing I am saying is that considering them better left alone is taking what bad things people do to themselves too personally. Whatever kind of irresponsible shit he is trying to pull he probably deserves to be cared for even more than most people. If you cannot handle seeing someone destroying themselves with an illness (depending on how much can be blamed on that though) is therefore in all honesty a fault of your own and not the other.

It sucks to try and see things like that but it feels like it's more real and honest in the end.

What I must agree with is that there is little you can do when people lose their minds, in enough situations. I know about this guy who was having a rampant psychotic episode and this acquaintance was trying to try and break his bubble by putting rationales over his thinking patterns. It didn't work at all and only made him more uncomfortable. I am not sure how this relates to the topic in this thread because it is uncertain how susceptible the guy still is for a good argument against using drugs again. If he doesn't find what has already happened reason enough not to do it, then it's either a severe lapse of judgement because of his strong experimental urges or really big ignorance about his dianose on his part.

I am not really trying to say you should stay with him out of care or pity, just have a clear picture about why you make certain decisions - if you just can't care for him well then that's that. If he has other people to care for him that also changes the situation. No one can tell you to be selfless or not here, and I sure as hell won't.

 

[The Hebrew Hammer]

who the fuck are you to tell someone what they can or cannot put in their bodies? are you the DEA?

now that said....

YOU ABSOLUTELY HAVE THE CHOICE OF WHETHER OR NOT TO BE AROUND HIM.

if he doesnt take you seriously, dont go around for a few days, if he still doesnt, make it a few weeks, if he still doesnt, bye bye.

That being said...

Make sure you arent asking for him to change 100% for you. For instance, he may already be compromising quite a bit, if he feels he has to give away the freedom to chose how to feel along with whatever other things he is already (in his mind) doing for you, that might just seem like you want everything your way.

Honestly though, if you love someone but cant stand something about them, its your choice if that one thing is worth not being with them, or if its worth puting up with.


What it all boils down to is personal preference really.

Just think, if someone asked you to stop believing in something that you believe in 100%, because it "could possibly be bad", you would probably be a bit defensive.

Why you asking a bunch of strangers for help with your man? lol....

 

[rickolasnice]

^ I'd much rather my girlfriend tell me to stop taking drugs than to decide she's leaving because i do do drugs. Infact.. I've recently cut down my alcohol intake ALOT purely because the amount i was drinking was upsetting her.. she didn't even ask.

Sometimes in relationships you care about you do have to sacrifice some things if you want them to work out.. Most of the time when people try and stop their other half from doing something it's stupid / for the wrong reasons / plain out of order.. but sometimes, such as the situation the OP is going through, is perfectly justified. You need to let him know it's you or the psyches.. If he chooses psyches.. count yourself lucky you found out when you did..

That being said.. If me and my girlfriend were in same situation i probably wouldn't actually leave her if she decided to do it..

Good luck

 

[Incunabula]

The only thing I am saying is that considering them better left alone is taking what bad things people do to themselves too personally. Whatever kind of irresponsible shit he is trying to pull he probably deserves to be cared for even more than most people. If you cannot handle seeing someone destroying themselves with an illness (depending on how much can be blamed on that though) is therefore in all honesty a fault of your own and not the other.

It sucks to try and see things like that but it feels like it's more real and honest in the end.

yeh, I see what you mean. Maybe I was a little too quick to be completely pessimistic about the whole situation.
Thing is, you can´t help other people, if you can´t help yourself first (that´s protect yourself, in this case)
We don´t know what would happen if he ate the mushrooms, but worst case scenario is a year long psychotic break, for which she would have to be the "trip-sitter". He would basicaly drag her down with him. And in the end she might have no option but to leave him, in the end anyway.
As the bystander to a schizophrenic or any other kind of serious mental illness you are completely powerless. There´s nothing you can do but suffer with them.
Bailing out now might be a little early. But at some point it might become inevitable. She needs to get out of it before he drags her down, if it comes to that.

what´s the point of two people wasting their lives, when it could only have been one.

Life isn´t perfect. it´s not a fairytale. There´s rarely a happy end.

 

[allium]

There are so much were said, so I am not sure if my words can help.
I can only imagine what you experienced during his psychotic episode, and I think it is NOT asking for much.

But anyway, if you really would like to help him, don't give him ultimatum. People =/= drugs, so if he was presented with ultimatum, he would have to choose between two not "equivalent" alternatives. It is not like choosing between two girl, or between two universities, or between pen and pencil. It is a totally different thing that may seem unreasonable to him. And I guess his only thought would be "WTF??". Not to mention, that the choice could be not in your favor, because drugs don't demand anything(unlike humans).

I am kinda "obsessed" with psychedelics, so I can understand him. (But I don't have any mental problems, and I probably would lay off psychedelics if I noticed bothering changes.)

Do you really love him? If yes, then such ultimatum is just not the best way of solving problems. I am sure that his desire to use drugs is a tip of the iceberg, and there are some hidden underlying problems. Try to elaborate this idea, and help him to overcome these problems. Find out the reasons for using drugs. Try telling him to lay off drugs for a while(until he feel better, until taking drugs won't be risky).

And if he want to use drugs not because it is "cool"(which is somewhat silly and unlikely), then he maybe want to take drugs for entertaining. So you can substitute time he spend on drugs with time he spend with you. Be creative and initiative and try to spend REALLY great time: walking in the park, going to cinemas, visiting friends, maybe having a journey to another town/country, etc, what else you BOTH would like to do.

These were my highly randomized thoughts. I hope this helps anyway, feel free to contact me, if you wish

 

[Wadsworth]

Is your boyfriend this guy?

That would be... yep. That's the one. I caught a glimpse of him writing that earlier, and he got really secretive and sketchy about it, so even when he brushed me off with an "Oh, I just want to know if other people have shared my experience" I pretty much knew there was more to it than that. I skimmed it a little later because he basically told me "If you can find my username, then you can read it" but I haven't read it in detail, because a part of me feels like I shouldn't be. Besides... I get the gist of it without even needing to read it.

Solipsis, you do pose a point that I have thought about. And the others who say it might be a delusion are also... fair points.

Anyway, so yes... the points about his current sanity being in question are valid. However, as far as I've witnessed the past few months, on his medication, he's pretty much for the most part reasonably sane. None of the other signs of his previous episodes have surfaced, so I have reason to believe his comprehension of the situation is pretty sound-minded. If I thought it were a delusion, I probably would be giving him more credit than my original, ranting, unhappy post above entailed. The reason WHY I'm so hurt and upset is because he's doing it while he's of sound mind. Does that make sense? It would hurt less if I thought he couldn't help it. But he can.

The truth is that I feel like he does need me, and that makes it hard too. He's shy and withdrawn. Without me, I sort of feel like he would stop going out. Stop hanging out with friends. Stay on his computer all day, or sleep. I feel like he would recluse and enter another depression, and it would just go downhill from there, and I would feel somewhat responsible.

Not to say that I would sacrifice my own well being out of guilt for the rest of my life, but yeah. If he relapses on his own, without psychs and whatever, I'd still most definitely stay with him, because that's different. His schizophrenia and the risks that come with it aren't the dealbreaker here. I'm well aware that even without drugs, he's at risk of relapse. I'm okay with that. If he relapses while not taking psychedellics, then it's not exactly his fault, it's just the chemistry in his brain fucking him over. However, if he purposefully takes psychedelics while knowing what's at risk, then that means it is his fault. That means he knowingly put himself AND me in that position.

The thing is, he needs to realize that his decisions don't just affect him. They affect everyone around him. Not just emotionally, but physically too. His dad spent large amounts of time and money on him when he became ill. He stopped working as often, so he could help out, and as a result, his income plummeted. I moved states so I could be with him and help him through it, and now I have two jobs I love, and I'm in a really good place with building my life back up. If he were to relapse, we'd lose the apartment we JUST got, he'd possibly lose his job... it would screw us BOTH over. His parents and I would have to go back to taking care of him. I would do all that for him again in a heartbeat if I had to... but not if he gets himself to that point on semi-purpose, because that's incredibly unfair of him. Am I making sense?

The Hebrew Hammer... no one is perfect. I'm not naive enough to expect perfection. Not out of him, and not out of anyone else I've ever dated or ever could date. But once you're in a serious, live-in relationship with someone, the "M" in "ME" gets flipped upside down. I haven't asked him to change anything other than his drug use. The closest I've come otherwise, is the encouragement I give him to learn to open up more, even though he's not an open person. That's basically it.

Just think, if someone asked you to stop believing in something that you believe in 100%, because it "could possibly be bad", you would probably be a bit defensive.

I understand the defensiveness to an extent, which is why I've been really patient. However, you're looking at a guy in serious denial. Psycs make him curious, and due to his illness, he gets bored really easily. However... aside from the ONE semi-okay mushroom trip he had a LONG time ago (before his schizophrenia really started to rear it's ugly head), I've never really seen him enjoy himself on psycs. The trip is always horrible. So I don't know where his fascination comes from. I think he forgets how fucking scary they really are to him.

I'm asking a "bunch of strangers" for help, because there's really no one else I can go to. There's only so much support my tight-knit little group trustworthy friends can give. I'm aware most people don't know what they're talking about (I mean, seriously, look at some of the ridiculous, bullshit responses he got from idiots who have no idea what they're messing with), but I guess in some ways, I needed reassurance that I'm doing the right thing.