What would you do if you were attracted to minors?

[Tormented]

(Please Move to Love, Sex, Relationship Forum)

If you were attracted to minors (in my case younger boys) what would you do and how would you cope with the loneliness and abstinence from love? Would you kill yourself?

I keep arriving at the thought of suicide because this is a situation that condemns a person to a life sentence of felling hopeless, lonely, isolated and suffering, there seems to be no fix or resolution or any other ways to ease the pain to something as horrendous as this.

It started around the age of puberty when I first found myself checking out other boys my age, as I got older my feeling stayed the same. Eventually when the full realization hit me that I was to stay only and exclusively attracted to boys around 11 -16 it became apparent my life would be full of pain, grieving and difficulty.

I rarely get out of my house and I feel like I have nothing to live for. Its amazing how significant love is to a persons mental state and life. Had I been a heterosexual or homosexual I would have been the type that would have died for the person I love, I am the hopeless romantic type with no outlet. I am full of love but no means of expressing it. I have been condemned to a
celibate life, I feel so lonely every day and I have a constant yearning for a soul mate, for someone I can take care of, someone to love to share the every moment of life with but such romantic love is off limits for me and my sexuality might as well be nonexistent. I am certain had I been born with an acceptable and normal sexuality these feeling of love would have felt identical to what I feel now, except now it is wrong and misguided.

There is no way to fix or change my life, this is such a horrible and unfair sentence for anyone to be condemned to. The whole situation is worsened by the fact that the media and society has created a stereotype portraying minor attracted individuals as evil creatures without any morals or the ability to feel remorse, empathy or self-control and a slave to their desires (with the exception to the old friendly pedophile from family guy) =). This may be the case for sociopaths and cold blooded murderers but for some of us with these desires we every bit human as any of you kind hearted folks and the only major flaw is feeling misguided love, attraction and appreciation towards younger people.

I bet some of you are thinking and assuming I could be a threat to younger people and although the stereotype is the cause for this concern it is also because most of society is just so sex crazed they assume we have the same motivation coupled by an uncontrollable desire.

Imagine what it would feel like to be denied all the love, intimacy, romance, flirting and attraction you people have been exploring and pursuing freely and openly since puberty and you will understand what I have to live with my entire life. In spite of what most people
think about us, we are some of the strongest self-controlled people on the earth. We have to be to be able to put up with the kind of internal and external pressures that we do without going completely mad.

I am equally concerned as any other caring member of society about the welfare of children because I appreciate them even more then most of you and I care about them. I hate the thought of adults taking advantage of vulnerable and innocent minors and causing them lifelong scars, feelings of abuse and suffering. There are real child predators and threats out there but I am not one of them and I am upset that society has created propaganda that has ruined and stolen my life from me. I would be treated like a predator if I openly admitted my attraction which is extremely unfair.

It saddens me that society as a whole gives us no credit for dealing successfully with our desires, but instead condemns us for what we might do. Society’s logic is that the desire alone makes us a danger to kids. Most people would think it horrible to punish someone for something they desire but have never done. But for some reason we aren't given that same consideration. There is so much propaganda surrounding this whole issue, no one wants to differentiate between people child molesters and people like myself who have this attraction and choose to never act on it, yet I am forced to live with the same shame and fear as some child molesting pedophile and I am condemned to share the same stereotype. It’s not fair and in fact I am the one being abused and mistreated by this injustice but no one gives a dam because any hypothetical or potential threat to the well being of a child is much more precious than the actual real suffering taking place to life of an adult like myself. Ironically it is me that cares about the well being of any child by abstaining from any type of interaction and surrendering myself to an isolated life, whilst there are people out there who would so quickly condemn me yet they would not hesitate to smack their kids or hurt a child’s feelings.

So many people are selfish hypocrites who can’t see anything beyond their own understanding of their self, they lack empathy in it true meaning, and it disgusts me that I am being judged by people who are far less of a human then me. At least I am full of empathy and compassion, I am honest, and I have high morals, I value all life, I believe every negative and hurtful action has a consequence in the universe, I value justice, kindness, I appreciate nice and caring people, I am always considerate towards peoples feeling and I would never harm any life and still I am made out to be the bad guy in the eyes of the actual bad guys.

I want to know what you guys would do in my situation but please don’t suggest chemical castration or drug therapy because this only works for lust or sexual urges but not for all the complex feelings of LOVE or feeling lonely. Please don’t suggest buying a pet because that can only help so much and please don’t suggest seeing a psychologist because a shrink cannot change my sexuality or who I feel love towards, maybe if I didn’t have any self-control and I was motivated by sex as much as the rest of society then a Psychologist might help but the issue here isn’t self-control or being a threat to minors, the actual problem for me is that I am stuck in a life where I am feeling love towards an unacceptable age and therefore it has condemned me to isolation and feeling lonely and where I am feeling ashamed and hurt all the time and this situation will never get any better.

I wish more than anything I was born with a normal sexuality and attracted towards adults then the world would have been my oyster, life would have been a pleasure to live but instead I feel like I am stuck in hell. I'm not coping well with the pain this loneliness this is causing me and this is further worsened by the fact that i have to be so secretive and bottle everything up. I have to pretend with family and friends that I am attracted to adult females. I can’t even use my eyes to glance and appreciate an attractive boy passing by at the fear of being noticed. I am bottling everything up and its just sinking me further into depression.

Furthermore what makes this even more horrible is not only the burdens that come with this but also being stripped of all means to seek help, to discuss these problems openly or to come out and tell others. Once you admit to being attracted to minors it’s like you have no human rights. I have to live in fear all the time because of how unemphatic, stupid and ignorant people are. If I talked to a counselor or shrink there is the very likely possibility they may jump to conclusions or assume I may be a threat. This whole situation is so fucked beyond words.

I don’t even have the courage to come back here to reply any questions or comments left because society and propaganda has succeeded in creating fear, controversy and difficulty, I am afraid of my rights being violated for even posting this much about myself. I will only read what people say here if they offer me sincere advice but I will not respond any further. I would appreciate advice and I would like to know how you would deal with the situation in my shoes ?

Please don't say you would never have sex with a minor unless you want me to think ..."well derrrr obviously!"

I also wanted to make people aware that other than my attraction I share the same high morals and values as those genuinely nicer people in society and I would never act inappropriately with a minor so don’t believe the hype.

 

[hazeforhorses]

I really dont know how to answer this but heres a free bump.

You don't find anyone your age attractive enough to have relations with?

 

[lola]

I want to know what you guys would do in my situation but please don’t suggest chemical castration or drug therapy because this only works for lust or sexual urges but not for all the complex feelings of LOVE or feeling lonely. Please don’t suggest seeing a psychologist because a shrink cannot change my sexuality or who I feel love towards, maybe if I didn’t have any self-control and I was motivated by sex as much as the rest of society then a Psychologist might help but the issue here isn’t self-control or being a threat to minors, the actual problem for me is that I am stuck in a life where I am feeling love towards an unacceptable age and therefore it has condemned me to isolation and feeling lonely and where I am feeling ashamed and hurt all the time and this situation will never get any better.

OP, I have a great deal of empathy for you. I have experience working with sex offenders and I have my own perversions and kinks (though these are more socially acceptable). From experience I know we categorically cannot help who we are attracted to or what our needs, desires and fantasies are.

But you are keeping my hands tied by dismissing all possible responses to your question. You are asking what we would do in your situation; but then you are telling us that you wouldn't accept a whole list of possible responses, which are of course the most common ones. This isn't really helpful. If you post a question you should allow people to say what they think, so I am going to respond, giving the answers you don't like but explaining why.

Firstly, I would go for chemical castration to relieve the sexual desire element. I have worked with a man who was attracted to boys and this attraction used to distress him a lot. I don't know if this is the case with you, but his sexual desires made him feel so bad about himself, like he was a bad person, whereas like you he was exercising immense amount of control to not act on these desires. If you can calm the burning sense of desire through drug treatment, a lot of the urgency of sexual feelings and the immediate conflict and the distress this causes can dissipate. This can make you less anxious and means you will be not so constantly preoccupied but more able to think clearly and focus on other things. I think you probably are at risk of major depression and as you said, maybe even suicide if you don't seek some form of help and support, so I will disagree with you yet again and say that once I have started drug treatment I will go into therapy. This is not to learn behavioural methods of exercising self-control because you already are, as you have pointed out, and I can't even begin to imagine how difficult this would be and how much you have to suppress your feelings. I would go to therapy because you need to grieve and to come to terms with your very painful life situation. You will need to grieve for the normal sexuality you don't have, for the fulfilment of your desires that will never materialise, for the part of you which craves love and intimacy with a minor. You will need to find a way to accept yourself for who you are, to forgive yourself- and society- and to find a space within your life and your heart to let go. The only way you are not going to feel suicidal and bitter is by finding some inner peace about the things you can do and the things you will never have. Perhaps down the line, if you have let go of desire, you will be able to establish a close intimate and platonic friendship with a man or a woman to whom you will be able to offer some of the love and companionship you have to give. Perhaps you could focus on charitable work, or find a cause that would give yourself meaning. Perhaps you could do research in the field of discrimination against people with alternative sexualities. Buddhism also offers a direction to let go of desires, if you are spiritually inclined. I really hope you will consider accepting some support as you go through this process. You will need to find a sensitive, highly trained and experienced - and of course, non-judgemental - therapist, preferably psychosexual psychotherapist. And don't give up, I have seen people in your position getting better. Big hugs

 

[Matsuo Munefusa.]

OP, I was actually just discussing this with a friend...it is a very tough situation. I feel for you but have no answers.

Lola, what exactly is 'chemical castration'? Is it suppressing testosterone or something???

edit - ah, I found what it is. Its female hormone injections.

When used by men, these drugs can reduce sex drive, compulsive sexual fantasies, and capacity for sexual arousal. Life-threatening side effects are rare, but some users show increases in body fat and reduced bone density, which increase long-term risk of cardiovascular disease and osteoporosis. They may also experience other "feminizing" effects such as gynecomastia,[5][6] reduced body hair,[7] and loss of muscle mass.[8]

Lola, Im finding it hard not to call you crazy asking a MAN to voluntarily inject female hormones into his body. He has a problem with his sexuality now you want to turn him into a female because of this? You are cruel and barbaric for suggesting that. Shame on you.

 

[Matsuo Munefusa.]

Perhaps down the line, if you have let go of desire, you will be able to establish a close intimate and platonic friendship with a man or a woman to whom you will be able to offer some of the love and companionship you have to give.

After he has feminized himself???

 

[rant*N*rave]

Lola, Im finding it hard not to call you crazy asking a MAN to voluntarily inject female hormones into his body. He has a problem with his sexuality now you want to turn him into a female because of this? You are cruel and barbaric for suggesting that. Shame on you.

Shame on you for being so closed-minded (and for doing so little research). Chemical castration is a viable, workable option for many people with sexual problems related to "inappropriate" desires. And it doesn't "turn you into a woman." Do some more reading please. It is NOT hormone replacement.


OP: While your situation is clearly more extreme than this analogy, here's my two cents. The guy I'm with and am falling more and more in love with every day is pretty much nothing like my ideal. He's not the type of guy I'm normally attracted to, physically, socially, or in any way really. But our personalities just clicked, so I don't care that he's not my physical ideal; I don't care that he doesn't have my ideal personality; I don't care that he's not into a lot of the things I usually look for in a guy. Because I like HIM. I still fantasize about my ideal from time to time, but I'm so happy with HIM that I do that less and less as time goes by, to the point where I don't really even bother to think of anything but him when I'm, ahem, feeling frisky.

To me it sounds like you are the one doing yourself in here. By focusing so heavily on what you think your desires are and what's "wrong" with them, you are closing yourself off from any opportunity to ever be attracted to anything else. Have you tried dating people your own age? I have definitely known people (especially guys) that tend to be overobsessed with too-young people (both hetero and homo) until they have their first real relationship with a "grownup". Like you say - you started developing feelings at puberty and never grew out of them. But have you given yourself any opportunities to grow? You sound very scared, but I think you're the one frightening yourself. There's no need to do that you know...

And shit, it's not like most people ever start thinking a smokin' hot 17 year old is unattractive, no matter how old they are. There's a difference between desire and action, as you full well know, and it's perfectly okay to have desires that don't necessarily mesh with reality. Most men are obsessed with porn stars, but how many men marry and start families with women that look like porn stars? There is far more to love than desire.


P.S. I have an acquaintance in a similar predicament, and I don't judge him for it. Don't assume that everyone is going to hate you for this. I might not go around telling everyone in the world, but building up a persecution complex isn't going to help you any. Show a little faith. It goes a long way. (And I'm the biggest hypocrite in the world on that faith thing, but that's why I'm such a good teacher. )

 

[2pac]

Move to Thailand, or become a R.C priest.

Honestly though, counseling would help, Garry Gliter has problems of a similar nature, and there are a lot of people out there like you, Da Vinci, Oscar Wilde etc.. It was common in ancient Greece for Older men to love young boys. Lots of south east Asian men/ladyboys look very young but rare over 18, try and find a young looking substitute if you feel you can never change.

The only advice I can give is bluff your way into a heterosexual relationship, have a go at a homosexual relationship with a man who looks very young (get him to shave his pubes) or try some intense cognitive behavioral therapy. You are as you were made.

 

[shahab6]

take suboxone, it will take away all your sexual desire, then you can focus on other stuff.
Let's just say I used to have some unhealthy sexualty, and this really really help.
originally it's use for opiate detox,but I don't see why you shouldn't use it.

It really really changed my life..

 

[PriestTheyCalledHim]

OP have you ever seen a therapist or a licensed sex conselor who's legally bound to have client/patient confidentiality and told them about yourself and asked what you should do?

 

[Belisarius]

I'll keep this brief.

You seem to be caught between two perspectives: guilt at your inclinations, and annoyance with society. The truth of the matter is, if you throw your weight behind the former, then there's some light at the end of tunnel. If you in fact lean towards the latter, then you're headed down a long, dusty road, because there are times when--as heretical as this will sound on a drug-use board--you just have to take society's word for it.

 

[Spurs_1882]

I'm truly sorry for you.

I've always thought that there's nothing wrong with desires (you can't help having them) and we should only be judged by our actions. I agree that the way many people look at this problem is warped and unfair, because people like yourself deserve help and understanding, rather than being hated for something they haven't done. I guess society creates taboos in order to protect itself, and often these go too far and end up creating more harm, abuse and discrimination. For what it's worth, I know that most of my friends feel the same way I do on the matter, and it seems that the others who have replied to your post do as well. So it's not everybody who discriminates and hopefully you may be able to find some friends who can accept you for who you really are.

Unfortunately I probably don't have any good advice for you. If I was in your position I might try and immerse myself in charity work or political struggle, or go exploring the Artic or something like that. Something which takes you out of yourself, and reminds you that the world is a vast place which is more than the sum of our sexualities. You are but one person and the injustice you face, real and horrible though it is, is just one injustice. Around the world there are people starving because of others' greed, there are people dying for crimes they haven't committed, and so on. Try and focus outwards rather than inwards.

In writing this I am presuming you are now much older than 16 yourself? Because in the UK the legal age of consent is actually 16, so you wouldn't be breaking any laws here if you had a relationship with a 16 year old. Whether or not this would be ethical is a contentious matter, especially if you are much older, but obviously relationships with age-disparities do exist. Opinions differ but personally I am of the belief that by late adolescence, people are old enough to decide who they should sleep with. Are there not young looking 17-19 year olds that you find attractive?

Some of the other advice, particularly lola's, has been good as well, and I'd recommend thinking long and hard about it. If you managed to find a good psychosexual therapist I think that would be beneficial. Good luck

 

[rickolasnice]

This:

OP have you ever seen a therapist or a licensed sex conselor who's legally bound to have client/patient confidentiality and told them about yourself and asked what you should do?

And This:

I'll keep this brief.

You seem to be caught between two perspectives: guilt at your inclinations, and annoyance with society. The truth of the matter is, if you throw your weight behind the former, then there's some light at the end of tunnel. If you in fact lean towards the latter, then you're headed down a long, dusty road, because there are times when--as heretical as this will sound on a drug-use board--you just have to take society's word for it.

 

[rickolasnice]

For the record: It's built into human nature for men to be attracted to girls around ages 11 - 16.. dunno how that goes over to boys?

 

[lola]

After he has feminized himself???

Well, the OP asked us what we would do in his position and I answered honestly. I am aware that in your relationship you guys don't use hormonal contraceptives but I have chosen to take them and i'm aware of the risks. So I do not have an aversion to ingesting artificial hormones. That's my choice as an adult. I also know myself and I find it very difficult to delay gratification or think clearly when i'm sexually frustated, to the point of becoming depressed. In answering the OP's question I was trying to imagine being in a situation where I would NEVER be able to act on an all-consuming desire and pursue my only chance of sexual fulfilment without it leading to horrific consequenses, and the damage this would cause to my mental health and chances of happiness by constantly fighting with those urges and trying to suppress them. So personally, I would choose a medicated way to remove or temper those desire in order to live a less tormented life. No need to judge me for that, just like I don't criticise you for your choices. Many people do choose this route and it stops them from either harming children or harming themselves - for some, taking hormones for the chance to have at least some inner peace and happiness is a price worth paying, others find other ways and all solutions are valid as long as they work imo. I really hope the OP finds a way the works for him.

 

[Matsuo Munefusa.]

youre a woman so I understand if you dont get it. You're asking him to voluntarily take away his manhood (no not his cock and balls but whats in his mind).

The OP doesnt consider himself a woman in a man's body. Why would he use hormones intended to feminize the masculine body in order to annihilate his sexuality? Wouldnt it be healthier to actually work through his problem and find a 'real world' solution that doesnt involve permanently altering his physical body (including gaining a nice set of lactating titties)???

 

[Matsuo Munefusa.]

Shame on you for being so closed-minded (and for doing so little research). Chemical castration is a viable, workable option for many people with sexual problems related to "inappropriate" desires. And it doesn't "turn you into a woman." Do some more reading please. It is NOT hormone replacement.

ok explain to me how depo-provera injections (a synthetic progesterone if you are unfamiliar) will not permanently feminize a man? I have studied endocrinology for the past 6 years (both as a lay person and in a graduate academic setting) but yes shame on me for not 'doing the research'

You are also aware that anti-androgen drugs will decrease the length of a man's life? Contribute to heart disease and other cardiovascular diseases, weaken his joints, contribute to depression, etc. So before you and miss Lola play endocrinologist MD...YOU BOTH MIGHT WANT TO LEARN MORE ABOUT WHAT YOU ARE SUGGESTING THIS MAN DO.

 

[Matsuo Munefusa.]

I am aware that in your relationship you guys don't use hormonal contraceptives but I have chosen to take them and i'm aware of the risks. So I do not have an aversion to ingesting artificial hormones.

Do you understand how stupid and moot your comment is? You ARE A WOMAN. You are already feminized. He is a man. He is masculinized. You are asking him to reverse attributes about his body that identify him as male. And you act like the hormones do the same thing in his body as they do yours. You need to crack open an endocrinology textbook. And in such a flippant way you suggested it.

Just one clarification: Im not arguing AGAINST men in his situation using female birth control drugs.

 

[Rio Fantastic]

For the record: It's built into human nature for men to be attracted to girls around ages 11 - 16.. dunno how that goes over to boys?

Bullshit, it's not inbuilt in human nature to be attracted to girls who are 11 or 12, we're naturally attracted to signs of FERTILITY. Most girls start to become fertile at around 13 or 14, so at a push you could say men are naturally attracted to 14+ but even this is a bit ridiculous, it's much more common to be attracted to girls who are 16 and up.

 

[lola]

Do you understand how stupid and moot your comment is? You ARE A WOMAN. You are already feminized. He is a man. He is masculinized. You are asking him to reverse attributes about his body that identify him as male. And you act like the hormones do the same thing in his body as they do yours. You need to crack open an endocrinology textbook. And in such a flippant way you suggested it.

Just one clarification: Im not arguing AGAINST men in his situation using female birth control drugs.

Look, you're being quite insulting so i'm not going to pick an argument. This is my last attempt to explain that all I was saying is what I would do in response to his question. And to clarify, I WOULD absolutely take hormones that would take away my femininity and make me lose my breasts and grow a little penis if that's what it took. Since we're talking about loss of sexual outlet I would be willing to deal with loss of sexual identity - with the support of a good therapist. Now you're right, my background isn't in biology but it is in psychology and psychotherapy and you seem to be quite flippant about the relative lack of "real life" solutions and the high rates of suicide in men in the OP's situation. So again, having worked with men in his situation and seeing what inner torment this causes, this is what I, personally, believe I would opt for. Please don't lynch me for having an opinion you happen to disagree with.

 

[Matsuo Munefusa.]

I'm done in this thread. I've made my point that feminizing yourself as a man is a very serious thing and not to be suggested so flippantly by two women. Talk about having problems being socially accepted - guy is gonna have lots of problems when his tits are oozing out some slime through his t-shirt because of the female hormones he has deposited in his glutes.