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Suicide thread, for assitance and support for all things related to suicide

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Seith said:
I already am, I'm feeling better this morning after this sleep. I was able to talk to him over the phone which had helped calm me down.

My GP would laugh at me if I asked for Temazepam, I'm just a junkie to him with a drug seeking habit. Either way, shitty sleep is better than no sleep.
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I am really glad to hear you're feeling better Seith <3

Have you tried using some of the OTC sleep remedies? Even some of the herbal ones work really well for me, and I have constant sleep problems.
My GP may as well have laughed at me when I asked for temazepam as well :D 8)
 
C.H You are going to be just fine man, you will get through this. Remember how strong you are and all the adversities you've gotten through to get to where you are today <3
 
Yeah Captain, what's wrong?

I haven't been around for long, and I don't know you as such, but you were the first person to respond to my cry for help a few days ago and I'm not gonna forget that. For what it's worth, 4 days ago I was ready to end my life and right now I'm feeling very positive. Take it one day at a time man.

Sending much love your way.
 
Thanks everyone for the concern.

Yesterday evening, I slipped on ice and fell...... on my hand. It instantly went numb and I couldn't move it. I had to drive myself like this to the ER. I managed to break it in 2 separate places.

It took 3 hours just to get Xrays (I was alone the whole time). Despite me asking, I got no pain meds while in the hospital. They gave me a prescription which didn't do me much good when the pharmacies are all closed in my area.

Driving around causes me pain. The only way my arm isn't in intense pain is when its perfectly still. I can barely move my fingers before intense pain returns. I cannot move my thumb at all.

I would talk about this more in depth but I am desperately trying to stay positive.
 
I gotta say ,,, even in a shit time , I don't wanna die anymore. Thats probably the most possitive thing I have ever said no matter how grim it might sound. I just want to be free :(
 
Every week for the last 3 months I've walked to the Golden Gate bridge with the intention of jumping off, but then pussy out and end up just walking home. Here's a little back story:

I am adopted from Korea. My birth mother had me when she was 25 and my father is just some random dude who happened to fuck her that day. I am now a 28-year old broken man who wakes up every single day with a sudden dread as I realize who I am.

I've wanted to kill myself since I was 8. My adoptive family lived in a very rural town in NY and I was one of a handful of minorities in the entire town. The other asian kid was mentally retarded and the single black kid was a hulk of a dude no one even dared to approach. I'm not going to go into specifics but growing up in that environment fucking ruined me. I remember pleading with God, when I used to believe, to make me a white boy when I woke up. Literally crying myself to sleep like a little bitch. I used to imagine I'd wake up with a zipper and I'd show everyone it was ok, I was white after all and everyone would accept me. My best friend at this time died of leukemia in 4th grade and I saw how people adored him and pitied him. So that's when I moved from just wishing I was white to wishing I was dead.

Moving on through high school and college I realized I was a lot different than most people. I wasn't completely accepted by my white friends since I wasn't white and I wasn't accepted by asians since I wasn't really asian. I found drugs late in high school and it has allowed to me escape for about 10 years. It all ended with me being addicted to heroin and crack and in and out of rehabs and hospitals for a few years.

I've been clean for a little while now but since then my life has just fallen apart. I haven't worked in over a year and when I go into interviews and they ask "what have you been doing for the last year?" it's a little hard to say "battling crippling depression and anxiety". I have a stack of business cards an inch thick from the 22 interviews I've been on in the last year. I'm currently collecting unemployment and it's keeping me alive but only for a few more weeks. Then I dunno, I've thought about hitting the streets full-time.

I've been in and out of therapy for about 12 years now. I keep getting fucked one way or another by my insurance and I end up having to quit my program/meds a month in or so or pay full price, which I simply cannot do. Like right now I just was informed by BlueSheild that since my depression/anxiety was pre-existing my therapist visits will not be covered. What the fuck is that?

Anyway, back to the Golden Gate. I go there as soon as the walkway opens and I just stand there about halfway in, past the first tower. I see hundreds of people every day walk by me. Mothers and fathers and brothers and sisters and I realize I will never have anything like that. I'll never be able to hold my real mother or know if I have a brother or sister out there. I'm just a big mistake. A jizzstain that should have been tossed out or swallowed. A broken condom or a few pumps too many.

A lot of people tell me the old "but your mother wanted a better life for you!" bullshit. Fuck that. I'd rather be broke and hungry in my own mother's arms than live this fake life. I've lived my whole life feeling like I don't deserve anything because of being adopted. I resent my adoptive parents for "buying up a lil asian kid to raise for fun" like I'm some sort of fucking pet.

This little back story just turned into my whole life so I'll cut it short here.
tl;dr: adopted kid is whining about his life and wants to kill himself every fucking day.
 
pharm said:
Every week for the last 3 months I've walked to the Golden Gate bridge with the intention of jumping off, but then pussy out and end up just walking home. Here's a little back story:

I am adopted from Korea. My birth mother had me when she was 25 and my father is just some random dude who happened to fuck her that day. I am now a 28-year old broken man who wakes up every single day with a sudden dread as I realize who I am.

I've wanted to kill myself since I was 8. My adoptive family lived in a very rural town in NY and I was one of a handful of minorities in the entire town. The other asian kid was mentally retarded and the single black kid was a hulk of a dude no one even dared to approach. I'm not going to go into specifics but growing up in that environment fucking ruined me. I remember pleading with God, when I used to believe, to make me a white boy when I woke up. Literally crying myself to sleep like a little bitch. I used to imagine I'd wake up with a zipper and I'd show everyone it was ok, I was white after all and everyone would accept me. My best friend at this time died of leukemia in 4th grade and I saw how people adored him and pitied him. So that's when I moved from just wishing I was white to wishing I was dead.

Moving on through high school and college I realized I was a lot different than most people. I wasn't completely accepted by my white friends since I wasn't white and I wasn't accepted by asians since I wasn't really asian. I found drugs late in high school and it has allowed to me escape for about 10 years. It all ended with me being addicted to heroin and crack and in and out of rehabs and hospitals for a few years.

I've been clean for a little while now but since then my life has just fallen apart. I haven't worked in over a year and when I go into interviews and they ask "what have you been doing for the last year?" it's a little hard to say "battling crippling depression and anxiety". I have a stack of business cards an inch thick from the 22 interviews I've been on in the last year. I'm currently collecting unemployment and it's keeping me alive but only for a few more weeks. Then I dunno, I've thought about hitting the streets full-time.

I've been in and out of therapy for about 12 years now. I keep getting fucked one way or another by my insurance and I end up having to quit my program/meds a month in or so or pay full price, which I simply cannot do. Like right now I just was informed by BlueSheild that since my depression/anxiety was pre-existing my therapist visits will not be covered. What the fuck is that?

Anyway, back to the Golden Gate. I go there as soon as the walkway opens and I just stand there about halfway in, past the first tower. I see hundreds of people every day walk by me. Mothers and fathers and brothers and sisters and I realize I will never have anything like that. I'll never be able to hold my real mother or know if I have a brother or sister out there. I'm just a big mistake. A jizzstain that should have been tossed out or swallowed. A broken condom or a few pumps too many.

A lot of people tell me the old "but your mother wanted a better life for you!" bullshit. Fuck that. I'd rather be broke and hungry in my own mother's arms than live this fake life. I've lived my whole life feeling like I don't deserve anything because of being adopted. I resent my adoptive parents for "buying up a lil asian kid to raise for fun" like I'm some sort of fucking pet.

This little back story just turned into my whole life so I'll cut it short here.
tl;dr: adopted kid is whining about his life and wants to kill himself every fucking day.
Click to expand...

I understand why you feel the way you do, but I think it is important to know that you are here to live for yourself.

I have been addicted to heroin too. I am currently in a lot of pain too. I broke my arm in two places.

I hate to break it to you, but on average, more than 50% of people alive today were not planned for. Half of the white kids you grew up with were likely also not planned for. White kids are put up for adoption too.

A lot of people struggle with suicidal ideation/attempts. That's why this thread is here. I know you may not feel like it, but I encourage you to read this story.

I also wanted to tell you that my grandmother was adopted, and she is the kindest, most caring person in my entire family. I have a lot of respect for my entire family, but I harbor no resentments toward my grandmother. My parents? I sure do.

I hope you will consider choosing to live, because one day, you may mean a lot to someone, even if you don't choose to have children of your own. You may already mean the world to someone and not even know it. When people build a meaningful relationship with someone, they may not say flat out "you mean this much to me", etc.

You can PM me whenever you would like to.
 
Today, I helped local authorities clean up a subway jumper.


they lacked the stomach for the task of grabbing intestines and shoving them in a bag.

Not to say I liked it; before you consider doing that act, think of me having to clean up.
 
pharm said:
Every week for the last 3 months I've walked to the Golden Gate bridge with the intention of jumping off, but then pussy out and end up just walking home. Here's a little back story:

I am adopted from Korea. My birth mother had me when she was 25 and my father is just some random dude who happened to fuck her that day. I am now a 28-year old broken man who wakes up every single day with a sudden dread as I realize who I am.

I've wanted to kill myself since I was 8. My adoptive family lived in a very rural town in NY and I was one of a handful of minorities in the entire town. The other asian kid was mentally retarded and the single black kid was a hulk of a dude no one even dared to approach. I'm not going to go into specifics but growing up in that environment fucking ruined me. I remember pleading with God, when I used to believe, to make me a white boy when I woke up. Literally crying myself to sleep like a little bitch. I used to imagine I'd wake up with a zipper and I'd show everyone it was ok, I was white after all and everyone would accept me. My best friend at this time died of leukemia in 4th grade and I saw how people adored him and pitied him. So that's when I moved from just wishing I was white to wishing I was dead.

Moving on through high school and college I realized I was a lot different than most people. I wasn't completely accepted by my white friends since I wasn't white and I wasn't accepted by asians since I wasn't really asian. I found drugs late in high school and it has allowed to me escape for about 10 years. It all ended with me being addicted to heroin and crack and in and out of rehabs and hospitals for a few years.

I've been clean for a little while now but since then my life has just fallen apart. I haven't worked in over a year and when I go into interviews and they ask "what have you been doing for the last year?" it's a little hard to say "battling crippling depression and anxiety". I have a stack of business cards an inch thick from the 22 interviews I've been on in the last year. I'm currently collecting unemployment and it's keeping me alive but only for a few more weeks. Then I dunno, I've thought about hitting the streets full-time.

I've been in and out of therapy for about 12 years now. I keep getting fucked one way or another by my insurance and I end up having to quit my program/meds a month in or so or pay full price, which I simply cannot do. Like right now I just was informed by BlueSheild that since my depression/anxiety was pre-existing my therapist visits will not be covered. What the fuck is that?

Anyway, back to the Golden Gate. I go there as soon as the walkway opens and I just stand there about halfway in, past the first tower. I see hundreds of people every day walk by me. Mothers and fathers and brothers and sisters and I realize I will never have anything like that. I'll never be able to hold my real mother or know if I have a brother or sister out there. I'm just a big mistake. A jizzstain that should have been tossed out or swallowed. A broken condom or a few pumps too many.

A lot of people tell me the old "but your mother wanted a better life for you!" bullshit. Fuck that. I'd rather be broke and hungry in my own mother's arms than live this fake life. I've lived my whole life feeling like I don't deserve anything because of being adopted. I resent my adoptive parents for "buying up a lil asian kid to raise for fun" like I'm some sort of fucking pet.

This little back story just turned into my whole life so I'll cut it short here.
tl;dr: adopted kid is whining about his life and wants to kill himself every fucking day.
Click to expand...

Yah bein mixed race sucks. meet people who aren't racist :\ I'm mexican & white, a lot of people of other races treat me with less respect than people of their own race. Inside they are racist. a lot of people are. but some aren't and realize their people are no better than anyone else's and will treat you the same. People who don't aren't worth hanging around anyway.
 
I think mixed race people are awesome.

Even if someone is "white", it is highly unlikely they are entirely descended from one country. I had one grandmother who was 100% German though (she has since passed away).
 
rangrz said:
Today, I helped local authorities clean up a subway jumper.


they lacked the stomach for the task of grabbing intestines and shoving them in a bag.

Not to say I liked it; before you consider doing that act, think of me having to clean up.
Click to expand...

This honestly made me smile a bit, I'm glad rangrz posted it.

I check this thread pretty often and have posted in it myself, glad to see CH typing away as usual! I'm hoping this means his hand feels a bit better now.

On the race issue --- my ancestors came to America from only one country -- Italy. But just judging by my features and how different the "Italians" I'm descended from look, I can assume there was some other mixing going on. Plus...we certainly don't watch garbage like "The Jersey Shore" and think "those are my people!!" Race seems to matter more in society for those who think about it more...and I've always enjoyed having friends from many different backgrounds, but being from NYC might have my views skewed a bit. Oh wait, that was when I had friends --- this is more of a ramble, but just a depressed Saturday night of doing nothing rant, and a "hang in there" message for anyone reading this --- I read this thread and hope things get better for me, and I hope at least someone else tonight has gotten the same message.
 
severely etarded said:
glad you're hangin on man. maybe they will hook you up with a fentanyl patch for your arm, that's the best for pain =D
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I would absolutely hate a patch form of anything (even bupe). I wouldn't turn fentanyl down but I would not use it transdermally.

The only reason I have to be on pain killers is for the surgery - I would prefer not to use them. They have already told me I will be getting it through an IV

After the surgery, I am probably not going to take anything they give me. Unless I am in more pain than I was when I had to take the second set of Xrays. Then I would have no choice. :|
 
Oh, ya I was just mentioning from experience. When they operated on my shoulder they gave me like .05mg transdermal and i couldn't feel a thing. potent shit. best pharm opiate, up there with dilaudid imo. whatever takes away the pain, IMO that is the opiate's most useful purpose. I will do them if theres nothing else around, but i find best use when I break/bruise something etc and am hurting.

hope all goes well man.
 
severely etarded said:
Oh, ya I was just mentioning from experience. When they operated on my shoulder they gave me like .05mg transdermal and i couldn't feel a thing. potent shit. best pharm opiate, up there with dilaudid imo. whatever takes away the pain, IMO that is the opiate's most useful purpose. I will do them if theres nothing else around, but i find best use when I break/bruise something etc and am hurting.

hope all goes well man.
Click to expand...

Thank you.

I am still extremely unhappy with myself due to this misfortune. It is hard to think about a lot of things I need to do, but simply cannot at the moment because of how disabled I am.

The main problem with transdermal fentanyl is how long you must wait until you can return to using buprenorphine. It's up there with methadone in that respect.

As long as the surgery is successful I will feel better.
 
If you don't tell anyone anything, and just take off from town and end yourself in a way your never found, would this be easier for people than finding your body or reading about it in the news paper?
 
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