Hmm, I've decided not to take bupe for the last few days and feel utterly fucked now...to cave in or not? Dunno...
I feel really quite- well, alone is the word- I've tried to accept that I am sort-of-different or not willing-to-be-the-same as other people that I make assumptions about; but I would love to feel like I am part of something that isn't compltely self serving, and yet most of my activities are most certainly that. Its either mundane work, trying to earn dollars for nothing I really want, or its some ridiculous, borderline 'evil' practise that is interesting but also frightening.
This will sound really odd, but I feel like I'm being haunted these days; tonight after work, I got home, and lay down- I didn't sleep, but time sort of skipped forward until it was 10pm. I went outside to have a cigarette, and the nightsky was flashing like a strobe, sort of flipping between light blue to dark dark blue really fast. I also keep hearing a really strange crying/screaming noise in my backyard, but I can't confirm that anyone else is hearing it. Not that its in my mind or a hallucination, but maybe something in my soul...?? I don't know. I feel off kilter, like I'm dreaming......??
Its like I've fallen into a universe adjacent to this one where the laws of physics and space/time is slightly different to the normal universe, or that I've bought a piece of this warped universe into 'our real' one. Do you think that meddling in occult/spirit practise is dangerous? I've always heard it is, but experience did prove otherwise, until lately... Things feel strange-
haunted- instead of perceiving typical forms in random patterns, I'm seeing symbols; like stars, crucifixes, sickening escher-like geometry, hologram like demon faces ...Occaisinally, I've seen people looking at me intently, with a really empty, almost hungry look in their eyes, and I feel frightened to approach them, as I'm not convinced they are "real".
I feel spooked; for some odd reason, I have felt the need to possess a bible; not that I buy into the myths, but because christianity seems to be the best teaching in regards to death and evil, two things which feel scarily close at the moment. Its like the devil has become real, or realer, and the bible is the only antidote or warding.
I feel troubled, and its not a manifestation of a mental illness or drug abuse. I always thought the dark side of reality was something to embrace, but its starting to break at times when I really don't want it too. Feel scared; not anxious, but scared like a distant figure is watching me from the shadows....
Maybe melodramatic, but I'm about to break out the garlic and holy water here
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Do you guys believe in magic or the spirit world?
