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  • TDS Moderators: AlphaMethylPhenyl | paranoid android

Failed suicide, now I'm actually dying for real

Hey everyone! :)

It’s that time again, yep, update time! Haha. The past 6 weeks or so have proved complex and interesting so there’ll be a bit to read probably, I can’t even remember the past 6 hours, so this will be a good chance to think back and piece together all the craziness!

I guess I’ll start with the most pressing issue. It’s been on my mind (literally as you’ll soon discover, haha) constantly and it’s all I’ve been thinking about which is fucked but I can’t help it. As per my previous post, I had appointments with neurologists and so forth to discuss this seizure situation. I was informed that I have a mass in my brain, which tests later confirmed to be a tumour.. A pretty nasty one at that.. The initial prognosis was good-ish, I was told a biopsy was a must to check what the deal was, so I underwent that procedure, came out unscathed and the report was in.. The position, type and size of the tumour wasn’t good then and is even worse now. After all the appointments and tests, I was given the treatment options and was told I had very limited time to make my decision. I could either have radiation to possibly shrink it, then have as much of it removed as possible (they can’t take it all due to position, too risky) or I could do nothing and my fate would be sealed in 12mths.. I initially chose option B, do nothing. I was then talked around by friends and the doctors and decided to try treatment and see how I’d go. I never felt comfortable with this decision, something just wasn’t sitting right, I had a consistently weird, unsettled feeling and it was affecting me quite badly. I went to 1 treatment session, hated every fucking second of it, was insanely ill and depressed as all fuck. I seriously thought at that point that death would be a godsend!

I didn’t return for more treatment and as I sit here typing this, I haven’t gone back.. I’ve decided I’m not going to. This decision was the toughest I’d ever made but it feels right, it truly does. I’ve already had friends abandon me because of what I’m doing, they can’t handle the fact that I will die, sooner rather than later. I completely understand where they are coming from, I can’t have ill-feeling toward them, it would be ridiculous of me to even try to get gruff with them for caring about me. I just wish that this wasn’t happening; I just wish the people I love most in this world could escape this and not have to be affected by it. That’s what gets me the most, the fact that it’s become apparent (since this happened) that I have a lot of people out there who care a whole lot about me (it’s hard to accept, humbling, scary and amazing all in one!) and will be affected by my death. I worry about a few in particular, I can’t help it. I just need to know that they will be alright. I was told by a good friend of mine to stop worrying about everyone else and focus on me for once, sounds rad in theory but I’m yet to really put it in to practice. I know what my fate is, I know how it’s going to end, everyone else has a life to live and life goes on..

Since this all happened, I’ve been abusing substances left and right! :( I went through $1700 worth of speed in a week, drank more alcohol than I ever have and have just been leading quite a reckless existence. I think once boundaries are lifted, things go pretty haywire! I’ve kinda been given this free pass to do whatever I want with no consequences, for instance, why should I care about overdosing? I’m dying anyway. Why should I care about spending time in jail for committing a crime? I’ll be dead in 11 months and wouldn’t even see the inside of a prison.. It works in the negative sense, but it also works in the positive too, why should I hold back telling my dear friend that I care about her? Or telling the guy I love why I love him or moving states to spend time with the coolest person I know and staying awake for days at a time to enjoy every sunrise.. I know, I probably sound like a fucking lunatic but this is what’s going through my mind.. It’s a bit contradictory of me, I know, to not accept treatment yet have the ‘I want to live life everyday’ attitude. I can’t really explain it but having an expiry date has made me realise certain priorities that I’d not held validity in before, that’s all changed now. It’s weird, but things seem so much clearer than they ever have.. I know what I want to do, I know where I want to be and who I want to be with.

The symptoms are getting pretty fucked too. It started off as headaches and blurred vision, progressed to migraines and seizures, now it’s the aforementioned plus memory, speech and balance problems, nosebleeds, constant tremor in my hands and mood/personality issues. I guess I can’t really complain, this is what I signed up for after all.. I guess I was just hoping that it wouldn’t be so sudden, that the stuff the doctors said wouldn’t happen at all or would happen way down the track. If I look at it now though, I can kinda pick out definitive moments from the past 4-6 months that should have sent out warning bells. Maybe the signs were there all along, maybe I chose to ignore it, maybe my subconscious ignored it, maybe I blamed it on other stuff or discounted it all together, I don’t know, I guess I’ll never know.. I can’t dwell on stuff, I have to think about the moment, think about the present time, what today will hold. A wise friend of mine said to think of it in moments, because a moment is just that, one moment..

I’d just like to say, that I recognise that there’s a bunch of people out there who absolutely disagree with my decision, that’s totally understandable. The whole ‘fight for your fucking life, don’t give up, life is sacred, it’s a battle you can win’ thing is very valid, I would never discount someone’s point of view; all I’m asking for is respect. I’ve made the right choice for me, in my situation and yeah, maybe I’ll regret it, maybe I’ll wake up one day and wish that I’d fought harder or stuck with treatment but at the end of the day, I have to live with myself, my thoughts and my actions. I’m okay with that because I know I've made the right one..

I’ll keep posting updates as things happen..

Much love everyone

Mav <3
 
Life is sacred but so is the quality, depth and breadth of each living minute.

My father chose against treatment as well, because of the steroids they put him on to try and contain the growth, he didn't sleep much and I remember him spending hours just sitting on the back porch holding the dog staring off into the distance. Can only imagine what he spent all those nights and mornings thinking about.

He and mum had a round-the-world trip planned, but he ended up with less than half the time the doctors gave him, passing away the night before he was to come to Melbourne to tell his family down here.

Rather than looking at a drug counselor, or rehab accommodation, I think you're more suited now for palliative care. Have any doctors suggested this to you yet?

Aus wide search:
National Palliative Care Service Directory

Victorian:

Melbourne City Mission
North and West Metropolitan Region Palliative Care Consortium
Victorian contacts, referral and enquiries

While you're probably going to view this stuff with some skepticism, firstly, it might help you find accommodation, and secondly, these people are experts at dealing with this type of situation. Even though your drug use will probably be unique, don't fear being judged, palliative care is supposed to revolve around your dignity and quality of life and helping you get the most out of the time you have left. Whatever that means to you.

Rather than talking to a drug counselor, palliative counselors, social workers and psychologists will help you talk things through and suggest ways to deal with your friends in the coming months.

Your doctors can refer you to any of these services, they don't cost anything, just go back and tell them you've decided to discontinue treatment.

<3
 
sweet morning 2u mav

hiya babe, so good 2 hear from u. well u r so brave + i am proud of you for that. i have voluntarily worked in a couple of healing centres w some beautiful not old ppl who knew they were on borrowed time so 2 speak. and we would have lovely times 2gether talking about appreciating the dew drops on the leaves on her garden path as 1 particularly beautiful young woman with children of 27 would sit with me afta healing and talk. i gess the healing well it connected her up with god and heaven - that i know. so she got a good idea of where she wanted to be and where she was heading. she has a younger 1st child who had died and she kinda wanted 2 be with that boy again.

i respect you and whatever you choose FOR YOURSELF!
for god's sake why can't people who say they care about us accept us as we are and listen to us and somehow accept what we would like 2 do - after we have taken time 2 think and feel and consult our inner selves - for our own good.
we are really at the end of the day our own true beings - and they are not inside our bodies, our hearts, even our minds and certainly they are not our souls. we are. and they can make their own choices but not ours.

take care of yourself. life is perhaps starting 2 make sense in a way. your desperate actions before somehow. maybe a part of you knew. i think maybe you were fighting and now you surrender and you accept. that is very beautiful.
and you are SO right. perhaps only now you really can absolutely clearly see with no mask, no fog what is right for you in life, who is right, who means what to you. just live for yourself now and do what feels good and right for you. please don't waste ur energy stroking other people's egos and making their guilt trips or whatever better. at least take this time TO LIVE for you my friend.

i am here for you. my internet is bit on and off but feel free to PM me if yu don't mind waiting a few days for an answer in case i don't get on for a while. just money issues thats all. doesnt seem very important now, that, in comparison:\.

and of course keep in touch wth us as u wish. we r with you and i know if anywhere u will have ppl here on bluelight who do get you and where u r right now to different extents. u know i am a kinda supernatural person i spk more with the unliving than the living + we have real nice chats. so i know there is a fab place other than here + u still get 2 come bk and haunt ur mates u know:)

lots of love - STAR XXXX<3
 
hang in there man.
i was in your same boat, it was like shit hit the fan in my life, i tried killing myself to a fatal overdose, i now have cuts all over my arm, and my family doesn't trust me at all.
so i man'd up, and asked for help. i notied that i couldnt do this shit alone, and checked myself into a rehab. about 2 hours from my stompin grounds, its wayyy out n the country. it's a christian program, i'm not 100% christian, but it's given me new aproachs on spirtuality. thats all it takes yo, just a connection withsomething other than ur self. it doesn't have to be jesus, it can be anything!
find a emotional support group, AA, NA, CA, etc. and bring up your problems there, the group i go to is small, and a lot of soberiety, i may be the youngest there, but thats ok.
find a good group that you can start building a relationship with (make friends!)
I really hope you the best, feel free to PM me anytime if you need anyhelp finding a rehab in your area!
<3
d
 
hi D's, i wasn't sure if u picked up on mav's latest post just a few above yours n mine today but coz of a medical diagnosis recently her needs i'm gessin r gonna b different now 2 rehab and detox which is where we did start all helping. i wasnt sure if maybe u read her 1st post and answered and im not being rude 2 kinda answer u myself today, but i gess u wud like 2 help her best u can and i imagine u can as she is in a tough place right now. i wanted 2 make sure u were up to date with where she is at. love star
 
If you ever feel like killing yourself again, get help. Not just for yourself, but to keep from hurting your family and friends. Just imagine the pain they'd feel if you had succeeded.

I myself have failed twice at suicide and was unable to kill myself when I wanted to a third time because I lost access to my sister's house and guns. I was suicidal earlier this year and had myself committed to a mental hospital. The attempts to kill myself were 13 years ago and the plan to use a gun was 10 years ago.

If you or anyone else feels suicidal, please talk to family or friends about it and seek some kind of professional help.

I don't know you, but I am glad you lived. And please remember that there are people who care for you.

Edit: Didn't read your last post
I'm so sorry to hear about your brain tumor. I'm also sad to hear that you are refusing treatment. If treatment is possible, I think you should at least try going to treatment for a while to see if it improves your symptoms. It really could help you to feel better, and from what you say it sounds like there is a reasonable chance for a cure. This could be done without much damage to the brain itself probably. Depending on where it is, they may be able to remove it with little damage to healthy brain tissue after it is shrunk down with radiation.

I myself have a large mega cisterna magna or arachnoid cyst in my brain, probably taking up 5-10% of space where the brain should be and I still have a very high IQ. My problem poses no risk if it is a mega cisterna magna, but arachnoid cysts can grow larger. Just trying to tell you that losing a small amount of healthy brain tissue is not likely to make you dumb, and the tumor itself has no function in your thinking ability.

It is of course your choice whether to get treatment or not. I assume you are young and I hate to hear of a young person losing their life, especially when something can be done to prevent it.
 
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Wow, that is one powerful story. When I hear about things like your friend staying and eventually saving your life just on a whim, well it pretty much turns my whole perspective on spirituality/faith upside down. I mean, that's a divine intervention story if I've ever heard one. But that's a whole other discussion...I'm really glad you made it through. Good luck.
 
shows a lot of guts not wanting the treatment and excepting your fate. Is this classed as suicide or not? personally i dont think so and tbh it doesnt matter either way. Were all going to die, 12 months or 12 years its a thing we all will experience, many people including myself would have to get a terminal illness to appreciate life once again, strange as lifes terminal for everyone i guess.
 
Wow, so many new replies, thank you everyone <3

Thank you Hoptis! Yep, the docs have told me about what to expect and said it'll get to the point of needing care but I'm going to avoid that for as long as possible. I'm planning to move states and spend my remaining time with the people I love. I'm really sorry to hear about your Dad and thank you for sharing your personal experience. I can relate to what your Dad was doing by just sitting and thinking for hours on end, I do that too.. Quality of life and dignity is what it's all about for me, I'm already affected by this and I can sense it's going to affect me even more over the coming months. I won't be taken by it, I'll end it before it gets to that stage. Again, thanks and much love!

Star! Aww you're so sweet, thanks for the lovely things you said and for giving me mad support, of course I'll keep you updated with how I'm going. I loved reading your reply, it made me smile which I've not done in a while.. :)

Thank you D's, Jimi Thing and Donnie for your support, luck and love!

Tryptamine*Dreamer.. Woah, thank you for sharing the battle you're facing. It's funny you touched on the fear of losing intelligence, that's a HUGE fear of mine. I couldn't handle being affected to the point of being any less smart than I am now. I already get so fucking frustrated when I can't remember something or I get word salad or fuck up a sentence, it really makes me angry and upset.. I am young, I'm 25. I know it's going to suck for the people around me, losing me at such a young age but the treatment options they gave me sucked even more. I hope you stay healthy and happy, thank you again!

Much love everyone. I'll be alright <3

Mav
 
Glad to hear you're still with us. If you can balance your substance abuse problems out that would help alot, but i know how hard that can be. Also you have been through alot it seems and i understand that's also a big part of why you feel this way. If it feels too much at any time just talk to someone, either on here, or someone face to face.

edit: I just read your situation, the update and i would like to recommend something. It may be something you already do daily but smoke/eat pot. It may sound crazy but i say this not for recreation, but for your tumor. There have been studies that show cannabinoids can suppress tumor growth. And it'll also help with appetite, and possibly neuropathic pain.
 
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Im so glad to hear you're alive. There's a reason you're friend found you and didn't leave just walk away, remember this. We are all here for a reason, we all have a role to play even if we don't know the script.

I beg you to seek a psychologist AND a psychiatrist. The things you have experienced in your life are horrendous and have caused tremendous psychological pain. A professional psychologist can help you through these problems. You have to want to get help which it seems like you do seeing as you posted this story here. I wish you all the best and will be thinking and praying for you.

I sincerely wish you good luck in your recovery
 
hi mav :) really lovely to hear from u. and so pleased there are so many to support u now at this time. just a quickie coz someone a couple of posts before mentioned cannabis and my fella is really interested in its medical properties as like a current and future cure for loads of things - he says u want Cannabis Oil and yes there are articles about it being a cure for cancer - we know u r getting to grips with ur decision and situation but maybe it mite ease or give u longer etc. so c how that sits with u. love star xxx
 
Hey all!

Just a real quick post, I'm moving to Melbourne! Can't wait :D I'll be living out my final months in an amazing city, with my amazing best friend and a fucking sensational group of mates who I love more than anything! I'll keep you all updated on my progress and stuff but HOORAY for this next chapter in life..

Much love <3

Mavvie
 
^ E-Hugs <3 :D

I never really interact with you much on here, but I have always read your posts.

You're in my thoughts. thinking positive thoughts for you and sending positive energy your way.

Hope you're doing OK. :)

Peace.
 
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mav3rick said:
Hey all!

Just a real quick post, I'm moving to Melbourne! Can't wait :D I'll be living out my final months in an amazing city, with my amazing best friend and a fucking sensational group of mates who I love more than anything! I'll keep you all updated on my progress and stuff but HOORAY for this next chapter in life..

Much love <3

Mavvie
Click to expand...

Never posted, but I have been reading your post for a while now. Glad to hear you will be living with great people you really love and care about. I wish you the best. <3
 
Hey mate,

I don't have much to say except to send you <3 and good wishes. I watched my dad die from cancer and towards the end the treatment wasn't worth the pain. I know how hard that decision is.

You've been through so much and sound like a great person. I'm in Melb and I doubt you'll take me up on this but if there's ever ANYTHING I can do to help you in anyway, don't hesitate to ask.

It's a bit morbid to say but have you got your will setup? If not, most of my family are lawyers and will absolutely help you out if you need any assistance or advice. Just say the word. Needless to say, you won't pay a cent.

Much love - enjoy this beautiful city with your mates.
 
Awww thanks for the love everyone! Means alot to me :D

I'm doing okay, really stoked about the move, everything is organised now only eight days to go! Can't wait to spend my last Christmas and NYE with the people I love the most, it's going to be an amazing summer! Just back from the hospital actually, had a stupid seizure so went to get checked out.. I've got a new doc sorted in Melb which is pretty cool in just concerned about being around new people and being sick and also being around my friends and deteriorating, I just don't wanna freak them out or whatever.. Food for thought I guess.. It's 5:25am here sun is rising on another day, weird to think I've got less than 300 sunrises to experience, makes each one I do see a bit more special..

Hey Samadhi! That'd be lovely :) I'll definitely have time to burn so that'd be awesome!

Heyyy Regulator! Not morbid at all lol it's a very valid question. Yep I've got a will sorted it's all taken care of, was one of the first things I did when I was diagnosed. Ive got a degree in Law so I was aware of the importance of one. It was a weird process determining final wishes and what would be left to who haha. Thank you for your love and concern! I see you're in Melb too maybe we could catch up for a beer or something now that I'm in the 3000 crew hahah..

Much love everyone <3 you BL peeps rock my world!

Mav
 
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