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Do you think the pain goes away when if you end your life?

donnie080208

donnie080208

Bluelighter
Joined
Apr 21, 2010
Messages
286
Location
Eccles in Manchester,England
I m sorry if this is a thread thats inapropriate (bad spelling), since theres a "mega" suicide thread allready.
Anyway, i like many who haunt BL's darkside currently have what i melodramatically call a death wish and sometimes quite sanely want to end the torment and nightmare my mind and life have become.
Please dont think im after attention , as i know no one really gives two shits if id died tonight or whenever .Im not a rockstar/actor (for e.g.cobain/downey jr) who'd be classed as a troubled genius but id just be a sad,,loser junkie .(enuf self-pity, for now).
Anyway, back to my main question, im worried that when i die that the pain may go on and i may not be as free of it, as i thought by commiting suicide .
Im hoping it will be like before i was born, where i remember nothing and in effect was nothing. Yes thats my true hope, that ill cease to exist and become nothing , no soul or thoughts /feelings just blankness for ever .
Im not bragging (DONT TRY THIS AS YOU MAY DIE) but about ten days ago, i got my weekend bank holiday methadone , 4 days worth of 280ml and bought 180ml off a guy at the chemist .
I took it all at once roughly at bout 7.00pm (within hour or two) thats 460ml of methadone 1ml/1mg mixture, it knocked me to sleep for 20 hours but how close to stopping breathing was i? could i have been close and not even known about it? not asking for suicide tips ,this was just reckless , couldnt care either way drug taking. My normal MMT dose is 80ml and i ingested bout 5 times that but still woke up o.k.
Anyway if anyone has any theory etc.. on what happens when/after you die by your own hand or has spoke to god about it and asked does the pain stop , id like to hear. thanks for taking your time to read my post, peace.
 
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Well if you die you surely won't feel your pain anymore?
 
I wonder the same thing myself.For decades I had a voice in my head that said"Need a bag of dope" and now says "Need to kill myself".I would have acted on the kill myself bit except that there are people in my life that do love me.Especially my kids,bad enough they had a junky mother but a suicide on top of that.And they are in their 30's now.Suicide is catchy too.Friends and children are more likely to do it when someone close has done it.

When I'm depressed (and I'm bipolar,so it's a lot),I have trouble believing that people would be bothered if I died.Also,at times.I resent having people care,I feel that it is unfair that I have to go on living so as not to upset others.

I have had people tell me that they feel the same way.That does not comfort me,it just makes me sad that others feel as bad as me.Also,a lot of well-meaning folk think that their few days of depression are the same as mine,which can last months at a time.About 6 years ago I spent two years not going out of my apartment.I had absolutely NO energy.Actually I had a bit of energy,it was all taken up not killing myself.

It is said now that depression and addiction are diseases.Most people still think it is a matter of willpower.If you had cancer or lost a leg,people would not give you a bunch of platitudes about it is all in your mind.Damn,the whole world is in our heads and I'm sure you did not set out to be a junky or be depressed.I know that wasn't my goal in life.

There is probably nothing I can write to make you feel better.One thing that helps me is that this is not my fault.

As far as what happens when we die,religion has much to say about that.I don't know if you have spiritual beliefs,I don't.Suicide is an end all though.Things might some day get better in your life and you won't be around to experience those things.

Day by day,I just hang on.It sucks and it is hard but sometimes something makes me happy or laugh.I'm on Suboxone now and I remember when I was shooting dope,all I wanted was not to have to get out of my bed and hustle money to get high.Once in a while I remember that and actually have some gratitude.

I hope things get better for you.AND yes,you can stay alive even if your brain is telling you that you can't.I believe I have a traitor in my head that is not satisfied unless I'm miserable.I'm almost 54 and that little bastard has not succeeded yet in killing me.Just because I feel that way does not mean I have to act on it.
 
OverDone said:
this
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Me too. I have bouts where I want to end it too but I have a grandson that would be lost without me. Don't think my husband and kids would care but the baby would.

I don't believe in hell as that fire and brimstone place though if it were like in the movie Little Nicky I'd live there :) Seriously, as a Catholic I believe hell is eternal separation from God. I've spent my entire life praying and hoped I'd go to heaven but if I kill myself there is no chance then. My physical pain would be gone but the emotional pain of being separated from my already departed family would be more than I could bare. It's like being caught in limbo perpetually. It sucks.
 
For sure there are moral young adults about you no?

Well, I'm one.

About you're inquiry.
-How many people know publicly as you've described yourself? junkie.etc
-How much drugs do you have?

*I'm for sure not kidding joking.
 
The way i look at it is this things could always get better or worse and why not put off such rash decisions as killing yourself to later. We put off all sorts of complicated decisions so why not suicide? Sure you will feel no pain when your in the dirt but anyone who loves you will be feeling alot of it. I have more then a few friends who have commited suicide and died by other means and it really fucking guts you. That's what has stopped me from doing it more then a few times and i have a few people to thank for that but they know who they are. I love those people far too much to do that to them.

I don't believe in god, the devil, a afterlife or anything but i do believe that we have to make the best of the time we have here on earth as that is all we have. We get no second shot at life so youd better make the one you have as fun as possible and live for what you want. That belief has also kept me alive too.
 
Donnie-

I know NOTHING about this though Ive thought about death ALOT but one thing I do know-

'Better the devil you know
Than the devil you dont know...'

My mood is okay at the moment but when Im very low I know im kicking and screaming looking for a way out of the pain and confusion.
Do I believe we create alot of it ourselves? Yeah, definitely! Thats not to say most of us dont experience much more than our fair share of crap from society, sometimes I read posts here or listen/read/watch peoples stories of what they went through and think what the hell am I so miserable about, im such an emotional lightweight and so self absorbed that I cant see that my suffering is so unnecessarily dramatic!? ...However, pain is pain in its original non-judged state it is the same for everyone and it is one of the common denominators that we all share as human beings. How would we empathise without it? How would we love without it? How would we appreciate the times (when in it's absence) we feel relief?
From a Mothers labour of Birth to great Art, Music and Magnanomous Social Movements throughout History-all the fruits of Suffering.

One Scientific TheoryEnergy,like Matter cannot be created or destroyed, only converted from one form to another
Looking at my own cyclical feelings - Pain>Anger>Sadness>Introspection>Understanding> Creativity>Relief>Contentment >Doubt>Confusion>Pain
-If this Theory is the case, then Pain is a Natural cathartic force that Society has conditioned us to believe to be something to be 'Feared' and not Embraced with a view to understanding ourselves.
This Fear is used to control people - 'Succeed at any cost!', Win/Fail labels, 'Losers only have themselves to blame! 'Its better to burn out than Fade Away' etc etc all polarised socially conditioned modes of thought that keep the Economy going and allow people to not face up to other valuable dimensions of reality that need to be listened to and therefore prevent us from seeing the freedom we have to be ourselves whether we are accepted by the (A)Moral Majority or not. Everyone is Afraid of pain and powerful facets of Society have tapped into this to control the masses -none of us are immune. Without feeling the pain of these Socially constructed pressures and understanding the destructive will they attempt to instill we will never be able to admit that they are manipulative and Excessive and rebel against them
Wouldnt it be a pity to leave this existence not honouring the basic essential 'natural' pain that has intended to be our great Teacher? Whether it exists after our body has ceased to exist I dont know but something in my gut tells me the True Nature of Pain is grossly Misunderstood.
Take care of yourself Donny...<3



Sorry got a bit off topic!:\
 
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"sure, your pain will end but the pain you loved one's will feel won't. "


TBH i dont feel i have more than 2 or 3 loved ones but i dont believe you can keep on living a life you dont want , just because you'd really hurt your family etc. Also you cant "live" for other people imo. I dont believe suicide is cowardly but very brave in many respects, especially if its been well planned and thought out and done while sober/straight.(even if you use drugs, just to to o.d. i count that as straight).
I wonder what its going to be like, im looking forward to my journey but it scares the hell out of me that the suicidal death is punished by some sort of bad karma/God and i end up being reincarnated as me again or something , with the same mind/ brain.( i believe chemicals in my brain ,damaged by lsd/skunk as a 17 or 18 teenager left me with depression and crippiling "unreality feelings 24/7).
This is my brain so talk therapy, budism, spirituality , wouldnt change a thing in my case.
As ive said before its not a" question of the soul "where i need to "meditate and find myself" or stop my self pity/positive thinking. My brain is fucked physically imo , so i want to die as soon as possible and when my little bit of courage will push me to the edge, please god, before the years out as im going round in circles and i'll start to look like a bullshitting fool
 
Okay thats one way to look at it but i look at it another way. Ive dealt with bipolar disorder that is still not fully under control, alcoholism, opiate addiction and i have a severe chronic pain disorder that will never go away. Believe me ive thought of doing myself in more then a few times and ive come close i'll tell ya that. But im very glad i didnt even though my life can be shit at times. I am surrounded by not much other then poverty, loneliness, drug addiction and hopelessness at the moment due to where i am living and am actually from but i have overcome that before and i can do it again :) . Im glad im alive and im glad i atleast have the chance to make a better life and be happy. Kinda hard to have that chance when your under 6 feet of dirt isint it?

If your really suicidal please go get some help man. Fuck despite what you may think it's not worth ending your life no matter how bleak things may seem. I don't think im all that tough but ive been through more then a few rough spots to say the least and im still kicking.
 
I just read "Paranoid Android" and felt like I could have written that myself.Besides my own bipolar, addiction and poverty,I have to deal with my neighbors too.It is very stressful to deal with my own insanity much less my neighbors on top of it.Screaming,arguments,people that can not afford their rent,one that never bathes and wears a coat and wooly hat in 95 degree humid weather.

Donnie,I read that you only have maybe two people that love you.That might be true but being you are depressed you might be underestimating.Even if that is correct.What about those two?

Twelve years ago,my almost five year boyfriend told me that he could not stop shooting dope with me around.He had been on Methadone since 1968,did at least six Xanax a day besides the heroin.

I felt guilty of being a bad influence.I bought a one way ticket to Minnesota to see my daughter and 8 month old grandson.My boyfriend was supposed to send me a ticket home when he got paid.

Three days after I got to Minnesota,I was talking to him on the phone.He asked me how to use the call waiting.He was slurring his words and dropping the phone.I knew he had no friends besides me so it had to be a girl that was copping dope for him.

OK,two people loved him :me and his mother.

The next night I called him :no answer.It was a Saturday so I couldn't call his work and get any information.I told my 22 year old daughter that I had to leave.She was pissed.She thought he was playing games to get me to come home.She thought I didn't love her enough to finish my visit.

It took me three buses "Greyhound) and another bus to get home.On the second bus,I called his boss and found out .He was dead.From an overdose.At that point,he was my only friend.

I called my then 20 year old son.I asked him to meet me at the N.Y bus.I thought if no one met me,I would go cop and kill myself.He met me and we had to go to the police station to get the lock (they put) on my door.

I opened my door and was greeted by a seven foot trail of blood,his hair,and two inch long maggots squirming in his blood.They had taken his body,the neighbors complained of the smell from my apartment.

My poor son blanched a pale white and said "C'mon mom,we're leaving".I let him go home but told him that I couldn't leave.This was my only place to stay.I proceeded to clean up the blood and the live maggots and his hair.My beloved one's hair.

I found out from his mother and the superintendent that he said I wasn't coming home.To this day,I don't know if he believed it or was just trying to scam for money.

I don't know how I lived through this.I didn't think I would.He abandoned me.I was left without the man I loved.My parents had died a few years before,three months apart after a six year long battle with cancer,

So yes,he had only two people that loved him.This almost killed his mother and me.

My next-door neighbor just had her boyfriend die under very similar circumstances,two months ago.I have listened to her grieving and wanting to commit suicide.She is lost like I was.There are no words that can be said to comfort her.This I know.

I will never truly be over what my George did to me.Just like my neighbor won't.An accidental death is painful but worse is feeling that your love alone was not worth enough to keep your loved one alive.

If you love anyone,Donnie.I mean truly love then please think what your suicide could do to others.For those of us left behind,we are left with questions and guilt.Constantly thinking if maybe,we had done something different,our beloved ones would still be with us.
 
I am quite sure that if you die your pain will cease to exist. I rationally wish for my pain to end, but at this point I have other options than death.

If, in the future, those options for bettering my life become unavailable, I currently am amassing a large amount of xanax and other benzo's, which I will combine with alcohol and also I will be sure to be drinking/eating grapefruit juice/grapefruits all day leading up to the event (since grapefruit essentially doubles the amount of xanax in your blood due to some liver enzyme that grapefruit alters.)

Yes, the thought of ending the pain is quite appealing. And I really don't care if my loved ones are sad because of my death. In fact, I hate my family and I would like to see them suffer. They are all happy and normal, while I had to be the fucked up one living with depression and anxiety and hopelessness and sadness and loneliness and fatigue and general malaise and general misery. I hate life at the moment.

I think I will take quite a few xanax tonight, just to numb the pain.

I am truly alone, and it's a scary feeling. I mean, I am surrounded by people; I have friends and family, but I'm stuck inside my head. Alone. Few people know true loneliness. It's a heart-breaking feeling. I wish I were dead. Of course, I am not ready to die, but I would be happy to die right now at this very instant.
 
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paranoid android said:
If your really suicidal please go get some help man. Fuck despite what you may think it's not worth ending your life no matter how bleak things may seem. I don't think im all that tough but ive been through more then a few rough spots to say the least and im still kicking.
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WARNING: If you do seek help, and tell them of your suicidal ideation, they WILL force you to go to a psychiatric ward, and let me tell you, PSYCH WARDS ARE HORRIBLE. You are much better off dealing with this out-patient than to be locked up in a cage for a couple months eating shitty food and being bored out of your mind, attending worthless group after worthless class after worthless talks.

I repeat: Think very carefully if you want to end up in a psych ward for a few months, because it is NOT FUN AT ALL, and if anything they make you even MORE depressed.

If you DO go to the ER, and tell them you are thinking about suicidal, they WILL call an ambulance and take you to the nearest psych ward, whether or not you want to go.

If you tell your doctor/counselor/psychologist about suicidal ideation, they will have you sent to the psych ward.

And psych wards DO NO GOOD WHATSOEVER. And once they suck you into that system you will be in and out of mental hospitals the rest of your life.

I'M NOT SAYING NOT TO SEEK HELP, but be careful where you seek help from, and don't be too explicit with your suicidal ideation, because they can court order you to a psych ward in a split second and your gone.

Okay, so just be careful how you go about getting help, which I do think you need.

Good luck my friend.
 
You don't need to end your life for the pain to go away. Let go and be fully aware and the structure that is within you, that is causing a block in the flow of energy, will dissipate.

Let everything be for even 5 minutes and you will see what I mean. Watch yourself, but don't touch and the pain runs out of steam. The pain needs to feed and when you stop reacting and resisting the current moment via acceptance, it begins to starve.

I do not believe the pain ends in death. There is always another human to suffer, are you sure that your awareness isn't the same awareness that is in that other human?

Oh and about the psych ward. Its actually your perception and feelings about the psych ward that make it horrible. When your perception and feelings are at peace, it doesn't really matter what is happening around you. Especially if you are left alone and nobody is torturing you, like it is in a psych ward ;)
 
^
This is the truth. The stronger you let yourself become though situations mightn't be in your personal favour you dont waste your energy trying to control situations that arent going to harm you, you put your energy into accepting yourself, and situations are not as 'intolerable' as they once seemed.

Sorry about repeating the word 'Situation' Brain overtired- I need to sleep!8o
 
I guess it depends what Psych Ward we are talking about. If you are going to a nice, private Psych Ward (which I have been to,) they can be quite nice, almost like a vacation. But most of my time has been spent at the VA Hospital Psychiatric Ward, and it feels like you are in prison.

You wear a prison type outfit, they don't turn the lights off when you want to sleep. There is nothing to do but roam the halls. The nurses are all bitches towards you, and yes, your depression gets worse.
 
MeddieFrac said:
WARNING: If you do seek help, and tell them of your suicidal ideation, they WILL force you to go to a psychiatric ward,
Click to expand...

Hang on, hang on...
This is not necessarily the case.
I have told my doctor and psych specialists numerous times when I've felt suicidal and I've never been committed to a psych ward, not even close. So it would depend on your history, your doctors, and most importantly the legislation in your particular country and state.
 
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