He is against anything but Tylenol and caffeine ( to make me get out of bed) ad believe BL is full of BS.
I'm just trying to hold strong. But feeling very unloved. He is angry and its best to avoid him and keep my mouth shut. I feel like I want to run away but there is no one where to run and the look in is eyes is of disgust rather than compassion... not something I've seen before. And it cuts my VERY core....
I'm having a really hard time expressing myself in anyway, especially without tears...
Music has always been able to say what I can't.
So, if you don't mind or are interested, here are a few song by my favorite band that covers it all pretty well...
http://vodpod.com/watch/3509049-shinedown-shed-some-light
http://www.playlist.com/playlist/additem/663801105
Put those 2 together and you'll get it.
Sorry I feel the need to do it that way, but there are no words anymore...
OK I have to say this because its bothering me.
WHO CARES wtf he thinks about you? I'm dead serious. My own brother use to have a VERY condescending attitude towards me back when he knew I was using. And it went on and on and on where I was living in his house, he was paying rent, and just because I was on drugs and didn't have a job, I thought he had the right to talk to me like a dirtbag.
It was the BIGGEST MISTAKE I could have ever made.
And it angered me for years.
Well years passed by, my brother thinks I got clean. But still when he sees little odd aspects of my behavoir (like sleeping late) he becomes accusatory and it starts slipping back into that same dynamic you have going with your bf.
Have you ever considered your bf may be the reason you're getting high?
Have you ever considered how much crap you're tolerating because you are codependent on this man and essentially his waste basket for anger?
The ONLY reason he is doing it is because you TOLERATE it.
I'm not saying go punch him in the face and move out, but if you did I'd have too much respect for you. His attitude genuinely seems 100xs worse to me then your drug addiction.
In fact, theres a lot of things I can tolerate being in this world. I can tolerate being a drug addict, but I CAN NOT tolerate being a cold hearted asshole. If I had to pick between being a straight dick, or being addicted to opiates for the rest of my life but having respect for people, I'd pick the latter in a heart beat.
My brother called about a week ago at 11am and I was sleeping. His message basically said "bro where are you? You couldn't possibly be sleeping... you are such a loser". So he assumed I was sleeping, and then he called me a loser because he thought I was asleep. WTF. It wasn't that big a deal, but it was his tone of voice that made me lose it. Full of arrogance and anger.
I called that mfkr back and told him if he ever calls my house again with that attitude I will murder his fucking dog. That was the first time I ever stood up to him, and he actually asked "whats wrong?" When I told him he tried to apologize, but I wasn't having it because he was too nonchalant about it, and didn't sound sincere at all. But thats still irrelevant, whats relevant is he will NEVER call my house again with that kind of attitude, and I got such an ego boost feeling like I finally stood up for myself and had RESPECT for myself. Whats even weirder is I was in the process of tapering and had this little extra bit of confidence that day that I normally wouldn't have.
If I wasn't trying to get clean, theres about a 100% chance I would have ate that crap up and went to get high.
My point is you owe it to yourself to start taking a stand for YOU. WHO CARES if he only believes in tylenol and caffiene? Is he your daddy? Are you 6 years old again? Are you afraid of him kicking you out and not having a place to stay?
Cause it almost seems at this point like you'd be better off living in the street away from this guy, rather then having a roof over your head and allowing him to treat you like dirt.
PLEASE stop tolerating this crap. The last thing you need in this delicate position you are in is someone consistently giving you shit, someone pushing every single one of your buttons, and how the hell do you plan on ever getting clean living with a douchebag like that? I'm sorry I called your bf a douchebag but the way you've explained him there is nothing else he can possibly be in this world.
How about instead of him being angry at you and you avoiding him, you get angry at him? Because it sounds like thats the way it should be right now. Even if you've been playing the submissive role you can straighten his ass out in one day, all you need to do is stand up for yourself.
I mean what are you willing to sacrifice just to have a place to live? You have no self esteem (how can you living with someone like that?) no respect from your partner, he doesn't even sound the leastest bit supportive of you. I just can't stand hearing this shit I'm sorry. If hes not as evil as I've made him sound here I apologize. But it almost sounds to me like he owns you right now. This is 2010, slavery was abolished hundreds of years ago. He needs to understand either 1) that you are trying and he needs to leave you the eff alone and grow up or 2) that you don't wanna get clean and plan on breaking up and moving out.
Those should be your only 2 possible decisions. There shouldn't be you trying to get clean and him not trying to help you at all. Thats not a relationship. If thats the way its gonna be I don't even see you 2 as being together, so you might as well just leave now. Again if I misinterpreted this situation I deeply apologize, but this man needs to get his shit straight just as much as you do. He isn't better than you, and if he can't stop acting like that, its only gonna drag you deeper into addiction by continuing to live with him.
