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If You are Thinking about Suicide, Please Read This

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I'm horrible at forming relationships and its basically impossible for me to make friends. My biological dad left my mom because she wouldn't abort me, and now at 19 he still wont talk to me. He has another life now with 2 sons and he doesn't want his family finding out about me because I would be an embarassment. My stepdad married my mom when I was 5, and then they had my brother and sister, and my stepdad was much more of a father to them than to me. I got very shy because him and my mom screamed at me a lot, and my stepdad would make fun of me to people, even when I was in elementary school,even laughing about me to the kids who were too cool for me to talk to. I was really shy, cried at the littlest things, weird and ugly so I was bullied a lot up until high school. I got better looking as I got older but I still cant form normal friendships and relationships.

I am always scared of being rejected. I always think people are going to think I'm weird within 5 minutes of talking to me. I am shy, have a hard time even making eye contact, think that people automatically don't like me and don't even know how to make friends with people. I have one friend who lives back in my hometown (I'm in college) who in retrospect ditched me a lot when she had boyfriends but now that she has a kid I see a lot more of her.
I do have a boyfriend. We've been dating for a year. I can really connect with him, be comfortable around him and totally be myself with him. This is really rare for me. We were so good for the first 6 months and felt really, really strong about eachother. Then came opiates.

Not too long ago I realized that all my money - $3000 of my savings - was gone in 2 months to opiates. The sad thing was that most of it didn't even go to me - after 6 months of being together my boyfriend introduced me to shooting roxies and eventually dope (he started doing it a month before I did). I didn't need too much to get high but I would still get sick from withdrawals, and if I wanted to get something, I had to ask my boyfriend because he had all the connects, and then of course my boyfriend would want something too, and he would "need" a large amount of it or else he would bitch about not feeling it. So if I wanted 2 roxies, he "needed" 4, if I wanted a bag of dope, he "needed" 2 bags. he also sometimes snuck out to get dope when he had his own money, so that he wouldn't have to spend any of it on me or share with me. and sometimes he would short my bags (secretly take dope out for himself). Now I'm back home from college on break and detoxing on suboxene but he is still doing dope.

I know he sounds like a bad person but I know the guy I love is in there, and without him I will really be alone. I need him, I don't have anyone else who loves me. I wish my mom and I could be really close and loving but we cant. I cant make friends because I'm socially inept. People think I'm weird and no one wants to be my friend. This has kept me from doing any sports or extracurricular things in high school or college. I just want to feel loved and worthwhile. I even didn't want to make this post because I feel like whoever reads this will think my problems are stupid. Basically I thought of the perfect way to describe me before: I'm so socially awkward that I cant even make internet friends.
this has made me more and more miserable every day. I've thought about suicide plenty of times because if I lose my boyfriend then there will be no one who loves me at all, and how the hell will I make it in the real world after college with no social skills? I'm a pathetic ghost of a person who would be easily forgotten if I dropped dead.
 
^^ Okay hun, first things first, your problems are NOT stupid. You are an extremely worthwhile person who deserves all the happiness life has to offer. You are a very valuable person who the world needs. You are not disposable, your Mother loves you dearly, as does your stepfather and step-siblings. Suicide is not the way for you hun. You've got so much more to offer the world <3
It sounds like you've struggled with relationships and feelings of depression and detachment for a long time, have you ever gotten any professional help for it? It's sometimes surprising how much just talking about your problems to someone can help. It's obvious that drugs are a really bad path for you to take, and you know this. If you're keeping off dope with the use of suboxone then please stay on track with that. You need to just focus on yourself while you're home for the break, and try to get the help and support you need.
Keep us updated okay? Take care hun <3
 
PendulumAM said:
I'm horrible at forming relationships and its basically impossible for me to make friends. My biological dad left my mom because she wouldn't abort me, and now at 19 he still wont talk to me. He has another life now with 2 sons and he doesn't want his family finding out about me because I would be an embarassment. My stepdad married my mom when I was 5, and then they had my brother and sister, and my stepdad was much more of a father to them than to me. I got very shy because him and my mom screamed at me a lot, and my stepdad would make fun of me to people, even when I was in elementary school,even laughing about me to the kids who were too cool for me to talk to. I was really shy, cried at the littlest things, weird and ugly so I was bullied a lot up until high school. I got better looking as I got older but I still cant form normal friendships and relationships.

I am always scared of being rejected. I always think people are going to think I'm weird within 5 minutes of talking to me. I am shy, have a hard time even making eye contact, think that people automatically don't like me and don't even know how to make friends with people. I have one friend who lives back in my hometown (I'm in college) who in retrospect ditched me a lot when she had boyfriends but now that she has a kid I see a lot more of her.
I do have a boyfriend. We've been dating for a year. I can really connect with him, be comfortable around him and totally be myself with him. This is really rare for me. We were so good for the first 6 months and felt really, really strong about eachother. Then came opiates.

Not too long ago I realized that all my money - $3000 of my savings - was gone in 2 months to opiates. The sad thing was that most of it didn't even go to me - after 6 months of being together my boyfriend introduced me to shooting roxies and eventually dope (he started doing it a month before I did). I didn't need too much to get high but I would still get sick from withdrawals, and if I wanted to get something, I had to ask my boyfriend because he had all the connects, and then of course my boyfriend would want something too, and he would "need" a large amount of it or else he would bitch about not feeling it. So if I wanted 2 roxies, he "needed" 4, if I wanted a bag of dope, he "needed" 2 bags. he also sometimes snuck out to get dope when he had his own money, so that he wouldn't have to spend any of it on me or share with me. and sometimes he would short my bags (secretly take dope out for himself). Now I'm back home from college on break and detoxing on suboxene but he is still doing dope.

I know he sounds like a bad person but I know the guy I love is in there, and without him I will really be alone. I need him, I don't have anyone else who loves me. I wish my mom and I could be really close and loving but we cant. I cant make friends because I'm socially inept. People think I'm weird and no one wants to be my friend. This has kept me from doing any sports or extracurricular things in high school or college. I just want to feel loved and worthwhile. I even didn't want to make this post because I feel like whoever reads this will think my problems are stupid. Basically I thought of the perfect way to describe me before: I'm so socially awkward that I cant even make internet friends.
this has made me more and more miserable every day. I've thought about suicide plenty of times because if I lose my boyfriend then there will be no one who loves me at all, and how the hell will I make it in the real world after college with no social skills? I'm a pathetic ghost of a person who would be easily forgotten if I dropped dead.
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Don't feel bad about being weird, weird people are a helluva lot more interesting than "normal" people. I grew up most of the time being one of the normal ones, they accepted me as a peer, I played football and baseball all through high school. But no matter what my social Status was, I always felt different. Due to being in all the advanced classes, I became friends with the nerds and geeks, and I realized I felt more comfortable with them. Once college came I majored in biochemistry, so I became a certified nerd myself. Even in my normal days I was a little withdrawn, so it took me until college to finally find myself. So don't be worried, weird people rock.
 
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I was doing fine....finally. Work is giving me heaps of hours, I've been talking to mum about my mental health, I've been making my relationship work....but something clicked.... I'm still not happy, even if I say I am.

I still wanna die. I still want to cry myself to sleep. I still feel like nothing I do is good enough.

I feel like nothing I do is ever praised. I clean, no praise. I cook, it's not quite good enough but thanks anyway. I work more hours than my partner, he tells me he still earnt more & his job is more demanding.

I'm not allowed to complain about anything. If I make a statement, its a complaint.

I'm on the edge. I don't want to be back here.
 
paranoid android said:
Your not weak PIP far from it. Hell weve even been through alot of the same shit with chronic pain and various addictions and i certainly don't consider myself weak nor do many others.

Theres a time to be nice and a time to be a downright cunt if you have to be. With doctors i have chosen the latter as you only get respect from me if youve earned it and they havent. If i have to fuck them over abit to get what i need then thats that. Granted id be very happy never to see one again for the rest of my life.

Also if you go to boston we might have to hook up for abit seing as it's not that far from me.

Good luck man and don't give up.
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Where art thou from? Quebec?
 
Life isn't fair, it seems some times life's ok, things are going to be all right, then my depression pushes me to the lowest place of the lows. It doesn't seem to get much lower. I've cut out all the things in my life that make my depression worse, yet here I am in my pit again. It's not fair, its a beautiful day out, which I should be able to enjoy, but I place myself into the dark recesses of my home, far away from the light. Life isn't worth going through like this, I see people walking around totally oblivious and enjoying themselves, and I wonder to myself, how can I be like that. It's like some cruel joke is being played on me, and I'm not sure I'm strong enough to play anymore.
 
Jekyll and Hyde said:
Life isn't fair, it seems some times life's ok, things are going to be all right, then my depression pushes me to the lowest place of the lows. It doesn't seem to get much lower. I've cut out all the things in my life that make my depression worse, yet here I am in my pit again. It's not fair, its a beautiful day out, which I should be able to enjoy, but I place myself into the dark recesses of my home, far away from the light. Life isn't worth going through like this, I see people walking around totally oblivious and enjoying themselves, and I wonder to myself, how can I be like that. It's like some cruel joke is being played on me, and I'm not sure I'm strong enough to play anymore.
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god.. (or lack thereof)
i feel the same way Jekyll..
and i'm sure so many people on this forum do aswell..
you're not alone however; although miles apart, were all together in that pit with you.
yes it is a beautiful day out, regardless if its raining or 90 degrees blistering sun-- and you should be able to enjoy it.. even if its having a smoke outside on your patio for just 10 minutes. even that-- as simple as it is could lighten your heart.
i know you feel its like a cruel joke, and no i may not know you but its not a joke.. this is life sadly, and i guess they mean it when they say life is what you make it. and maybe we all arent making it the way we want. maybe were waiting for an absolution, that can ONLY come as a result of something we do.
go for what you want Jekyll, and dont let shit get in the way of it.
go outside, even for a moment. enjoy what the earth gave you, and the best thing of all is it's free.
and thankfully, atleast we all have eachother.

let the past be the past..
tommarows not promised;
and todays just a gift--
i guess thats why they call it the present.
 
Thank you dishearten, any words of hope are always welcome. I just hate how my mood can switch about 4 to 5 times a day. I'm diagnosed with MDD, but sometimes I swear I'm bipolar the way I get these mood swings, especially rapid cycling, its just so hard to deal with these two extremes multiple times in one day.
 
“Suicide is not chosen; it happens
when pain exceeds
resources for coping with pain.”
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What if you just want to know what's on the other side? And wouldn't it be choosing to (possibly) permanently get rid of the pain rather than just "coping" with it
 
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J&H; anytime hon.. i absolutely know how you feel. i was diagnosed with bipolar, multiple personality, social anxiety, obsessive compulsive, and acouple more embarresing ones. this started when i was maybe around 12 or 13 and as the psych ward visits increased, so did my list of "disorders". its incredibly embarresing and im basically just a lab rat to my doctors. the worst feeling throughout the day is when the empty hole in my chest becomes bigger and it HURTS like a bitch. then i have to take my pills and blah blah blah. but honestly, like ppl look at me like im perfectly fine-- but if they only knew that life was eating me alive and as beautiful the world COULD be, id rather be alone in my bed crying and medicated. its horrible, but i absolutely feel your discomfort.
 
Captain.Heroin said:

I think there are more healthy (and overall, spiritually productive) ways to explore existentialism without ending one's life.
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I wholeheartedly agree with this C.H. <3

The risk of ending your entire life just to see what's on the other side, is that there may well be NOTHING on the other side.....we just don't know, until it's too late and the deed is already done. Then you have nothing.
Is that a risk you're willing to take?
 
My parents went through my room and found some pipes, K2, a box of poppy pods that hadn't been opened, and razor blades.


We got into a huge fight and she said the meanest things. I'm already miserable and now I've once again fucked up and ruined my parents' lives and my life even more. I don't see much of a point anymore. In fact, I didn't see much of a point for a long time and this just basically confirms it.
 
Harsh words hurt the most when they come from a parent.

It has to hurt them though, knowing you are cutting yourself up and dosing with chemicals they no nothing about.
 
It crosses my mind from time to time. Not out of distress so much as lack of purpose. Why am I here? I see not reason. Nothing will ever come of it. Sure I should be happy. I have a very loving bf that takes care of me but each and every day I feel, for lack of a better word, empty.
When I lay my head down to sleep, a sadness overtakes me. I feel like I am nothing and will never be more than nothing. I wouldn't say I'm suicidal as much as I'm apathetic. Life is nothing more than I state I seem to be stuck in at the moment.
 
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