Vent/Rant Thread 1 (POTENTIALLY TRIGGERING)

[n3ophy7e]

^^ I do the same thing too, sometimes. But I've learnt that acheiving things is so much more rewarding than hiding/running from everything. Start with something small and go from there

I don't know where I'm going or what I'm doing.

I'm addicted to cocaine and stimulants. After spending majority of October feeling shitty to get off of them, I'm addicted to opioids again.


The brightest thought in my mind is the plan to purposely OD on New Years Day. These last few weeks would be so much better because they'd be my final days and I would know that. Money wouldn't matter. School is almost done, but that wouldn't matter anymore. Work wouldn't matter.

With the holidays and everything, I'd see a lot of people again. We could have fun one last time. I could end on a high note with everyone. I wouldn't be a failure, I'd be someone who died before their time.


What are my other options? Continue being depressed? Continue being an addict who is dwindling his resources and damaging his health? If I stop I have to go through the pain and effort of getting clean again. If history has taught me anything, it's that I'll have mild success, relapse, and slowly become addicted all over again.

Why grow up and show everyone I'm a failure when I could be potential never developed?

Carl, I really hope your NYD plan was just a fleeting thought and nothing more because there are so many reasons why you need to stick around for many more years to come. I know you're having a really tough time with your addictions but a purposeful OD is NOT the answer to your problems. You say you're destined to be a failure but you're about to finish school. That in itself is a huge acheivment that you should be really proud of. I know you've relapsed from sobriety before but every time you get clean or even just cut down your usage, you learn a little bit more each time. It's an ongoing journey. You have so much to offer the world and I know that deep down inside you know that too. I really hope you're feeling better soon, is there anyone you can talk to about what you're going through? A close friend or a family member, or perhaps a counsellor? If you want to PM me I'm always up for a chat

 

[mrs_mia_wallace]

I DONT WANT TO BE A FUCKING JUNKIE AGAIN... And I'm about one step away from it but I just cannot let go off this stupid fucking evil drug. Fuck you heroin you fucking suck.

 

[paranoid android]

^^^ yeah no doubt about it being a junkie fucking sucks especially for people without a steady and legal supply. Ive been sickish since sunday and i can't get my script until tuesday. Seems like such a long way away .

 

[mav3rick]

1st Rant!

1. I've started injecting speed and it's taking over my life. I've pawned or sold all of my possessions except for my laptop to pay for my habit. I take money from my Grandparents telling them I need it for bills or food and I spend it on drugs. I spent all last weeks rent money on it and told my housemate that I'd pay double rent this week, guess where that money has gone. In my fucking arm.

2. I quit University (because of abovementioned reason) I don't want to pay for an education I'm wasting because I can't stop destroying myself. I failed last semester and a major piece of assessment.

3. If I'm not high on speed, I'm taking 30 codeine a day (CWE) actually, even if I DO get high, I still take the codeine, so I can relax and try to sleep, which always fails.

4. I have no job, quit uni, my student payments have been cut off and I'm now required to go and look for work, that's all well and good but how am I supposed to work when I can't even go three minutes without crying or wanting to kill someone for no reason..


5. My doc prescribed me anti-depressents even though I explained I'm NOT depressed! I told him about this new drug use issue and he keeps relaying it back to 'you are depressed' NO. I'm not! I just love being high and forgetting about all the other shit I've gotta fucking deal with on a day to day basis. I don't have self-esteem issues, I like myself! I'm intelligent I just make bad choices.. Then, he tells me I'm a diabetic.. So I have to start purposely jabbing a needle into myself.. This is fucked. When he finally got the point that I was there asking for serious help, he refers me to the hospital detox/rehab place. So far, I've called 4 times, one time the phone was answered but no-one was available to help me. Today, I finally got a call back explained my situation and the woman wasn't helpful at all.. So now I've gotta wait for some other person to call Monday morning. Woo.

6. My ethernet cable was stolen..

7. This time of year sucks, I get especially lonely and alone.. I don't have family and friends are all off with their families. I can't be pissed at them, I'd do the same thing if I had loved ones etc..

Argh.. This week has been one of my worst! Calm blue ocean, calm blue ocean.. Hahahahahahahah
*sighs loudly*
Mav

 

[romantic]

My ex owes me a grand and he wont get it to me. im not asking for it straight up but some sort of payment would be nice

 

[Carl Landrover]

^^ I do the same thing too, sometimes. But I've learnt that acheiving things is so much more rewarding than hiding/running from everything. Start with something small and go from there



Carl, I really hope your NYD plan was just a fleeting thought and nothing more because there are so many reasons why you need to stick around for many more years to come. I know you're having a really tough time with your addictions but a purposeful OD is NOT the answer to your problems. You say you're destined to be a failure but you're about to finish school. That in itself is a huge acheivment that you should be really proud of. I know you've relapsed from sobriety before but every time you get clean or even just cut down your usage, you learn a little bit more each time. It's an ongoing journey. You have so much to offer the world and I know that deep down inside you know that too. I really hope you're feeling better soon, is there anyone you can talk to about what you're going through? A close friend or a family member, or perhaps a counsellor? If you want to PM me I'm always up for a chat

Thanks for the kind words.

I've been really depressed on dope before, but that night was something else; can't really explain it. I guess it was good though because it made me realize I either have 2 options right now:

Option A) Keep doing coke and sub and whatever else and just keep letting life pass by

or

Option B) Shape up and start working towards being healthy, like I had been 2 months ago.


Option A is easier in the short term, but it's leading to sadness and death. Option B is much tougher in the short-term, but has a lot more future potential.


I'm still so crushed about that breakup. I really, truly loved this girl. I knew that then though.

 

[Miss Hollywood]

Carl...I'm right there with ya man.

I'm sick of the cycle of addiction. Relapse, going through recovery again, relapse...its just never ending isn't it?

Death has been seeming like more of an option for me lately too. Although, I'm too pussy to ever kill myself. God, I suck at life.

Hang in there man...your not alone. I try to tell myself I'm not alone everyday. Its about the only thing that gets me through the day.

I feel completely fucking dead and empty inside.

I've lost hope it seems...

 

[izzy66]

*sigh*
i'm at one of those crossroads n just feel confused, tired, overwhelmed. feels like i'm physically breaking down w/ the crazy shift work n the neverending mundane crap of life... no, not life - existance.
i miss my bf. talking on the phone makes the loneliness worse.
i need change n usually have a plan n lists to achieve the plan. but i have no plan, no lists, just exhaustion n sadness.
i used to get an idea in my head n be on the road, on my way in 24hrs or less. that confident, fearless person feels so far away now. i've achieved the Big Goals n now i can't even scare up a tiny goal right now cuz i just don't give a rat's ass anymore.
there's more good stuff in life and i know it but can't crank up any excitement. i'm stuck in a rut i created and i gotta pull out of this slide before it leads to places i really don't wanna go.
pffft, 5am, no sleep yet so another day will be wasted.
no one is gonna rescue, no divine intervention is gonna happen... i'm so empty idk if i can pull myself out of this malaise. tryin so hard to be positive but gettin nowhere... so i tell myself nothing lasts forever but it's getting harder n harder to just go with the flow.
at thanksgiving i was thinking about when i was homeless in nyc. it was cold as shit n i was sitting by the river but instead of feeling grateful those days were gone, i felt nostalgic cuz no one expected anything from me, no one needed me and i liked that. i felt free in a way i have not felt since. amazing n kinda twisted to feel nostalgic over being a homeless heroin addict but, in all honesty, at times i really do miss those days.
-izzy

 

[ocean]

*bump*

 

[Sweet P]

My rant: I really hate it when people bump threads.

Just kidding, ocean.

 

[ocean]

^
It needed bumping. My apologies to you Sweet P

 

[Carl Landrover]

I don't know where I'm going or what I'm doing.

I'm addicted to cocaine and stimulants. After spending majority of October feeling shitty to get off of them, I'm addicted to opioids again.


The brightest thought in my mind is the plan to purposely OD on New Years Day. These last few weeks would be so much better because they'd be my final days and I would know that. Money wouldn't matter. School is almost done, but that wouldn't matter anymore. Work wouldn't matter.

With the holidays and everything, I'd see a lot of people again. We could have fun one last time. I could end on a high note with everyone. I wouldn't be a failure, I'd be someone who died before their time.


What are my other options? Continue being depressed? Continue being an addict who is dwindling his resources and damaging his health? If I stop I have to go through the pain and effort of getting clean again. If history has taught me anything, it's that I'll have mild success, relapse, and slowly become addicted all over again.

Why grow up and show everyone I'm a failure when I could be potential never developed?

Wow...I was just thinking the other day about how much more depressed I was feeling back in Nov/Dec. Posts like these really take me back and really make me think about the progress I've made over the last few months.

Things ain't all fun and sunshine, but I'm doing a lot better than I was then. I was doing coke daily at that time and started needing it just to get out of bed. 8) Really nice to actually wake up in the morning and not be horribly depressed.


I still have somewhat of a problem with adderall. I take it 3-4 days a week, but I try to not abuse it and have never purposely dosed high. Still with the opioids (suboxone) too, but on an extremely low dose.

 

[Sweet P]

^
It needed bumping. My apologies to you Sweet P

It's all good. Glad to see the return of the rant thread!

 

[zombiesarepeaceful]

FTM RANT

Who. Am I?
I say I stand on the crossroads of gender with both middle fingers raised.
Sort of crude in some opinions, but I've had it with society.
Ripping, tearing, ridiculing, laughing, mockery...
Where's the joke? Cause I'm obviously out of it, cause I'm not getting the punch line.
I'm finally starting not to doubt myself.
I'm finally feeling legit in my own skin. Still hate the hell out of my body but...
The evidence of the body I was born in will fade over time.
The Rogaine is working its magic.
And like a little 13 year old boy trying to match up to his older brother,
I try to get buff.
But here comes the motherfuckers with the shitfaced grins and the eyes of steel.
They see through me.
Time to stare back, laugh back, do anything but run.
I ran in the past. I lost. I let them mold me. This time I win.
You better run away buddy cause this time,
I'm getting mine.
If only, if only, what the fuck is that supposed to mean?
Where are you living? Or who's to say reality isn't pliable like putty?
Why do I feel high on life most of the time,
Why do the energies around me swirl so violently that it makes me feel like this?
Or why am I finally now perceiving them?
But I'm still afraid to breakdown.
Not afraid to admit it to myself, but to others.
Cause this time around, I'm the stronger one.
Cause this time around I'm the only one I completely trust.
But I have a family I never had before,
Created and found inside of a gay bar, of all places.
But they get us the most. And the few don't like it, fuck you.
I have a social life for once as well.
Took me 19 years to get it right but hey,
I'm a late bloomer.
I'm hoping I haven't passed up the last 19 years of my life,
Caught up in self-pity, loathing, bullshit,
Cause I couldn't bother to pull my head out of my ass long enough to try to live, to even exist.
My style of writing has changed, along with everything about me in the past few months.
I'll end this for now...maybe someday I won't be so amped up on ADHD that I can write something which resembles something more than a disjointed rambling of word vomit

 

[panic in paradise]

yay, my favorite thread!

my prescriber is on holliday, yay aaron go!!!

ive been waiting for word on my lithium and klonopin refill. the nurses want me to go get a CBC done, and have it sent to their office before i can get a refill?!? wtf?!? its already a couple of weeks past due(i only take 2-4mgs instead of 6, it says 6 or as needed per day), now of course after a few days of no lithium the levels will be low, and thats what they will see and think "hes hardly taking it" and who knows what their chicken ups will cluck up, if i dont get that kpin & lithium, im the one who gonna be fucked up. i pay.

they dont even know... lol ... if they had any real interest in medicine, and actually llooked at my chart, they would know this is some seriously petty bullshit & i dont need to be played with right now, they gave me this powerful addictive drug which i have used responsibly for years now, please dont send time me out into w/d's... why do i have to worry about it? ive kept my end up, they ultimately have control from their end and, oops.

 

[zombiesarepeaceful]

^doctors are cold like that, alot of the time.

I just found out I'm homeless again. Great! I seem to be in better spirits when I have nothing, than when I have a house and possessions. Explain that...

 

[panic in paradise]

um, well, thats the core of some religions, or at least Buddhism. id suggest you look more into that, and go where your heart takes you... think of it as freedom, sounds easier said, but thats how some of my friends lived for years, and many other people by choice. they traveled until they found themselves, and their home.

it would be that, or something bad for me, i could not be out in my physical condition lol.... you, you seem pretty resilient my friend, i envy your courage.

 

[Cloudburst]

Ii don't know what's going on anymore and it bothers me. SI dunno where I am or who I am and I'm just saying "I" for convenience. I have to hide this so I do not get sectioned getting bad real bad 7 days no sleep hallucinations withdrawals catatoniua mania very big mania and cognitive problems. I just can't think more of what to say because so much is going on in my mind that it has literally become a singgularity of nonexistence, of death that is inescapable as I close my eyes with black violent lines behind it attacking my pupils forcing me to open them, forcing me to stop the voices "CANAL... RIDE... SEEMS STRANGE" again and again doesn't stop and I see things. I can't sleep I can't sleep and even if I could i would be in not good state. I WHOU should leave now before i get into trouble sorry guys.

 

[Carl Landrover]

I'm quite sad.

My E-Home is coming to an end. The website/message board that I consider home base is shutting down. I've spent 8 years there. I'm 24 now, so I've spent 1/3 of my life as a member of that site.

The news was sudden and unexpected. This sucks. I know it's just a website, but there was something comforting about it. I could be in an unfamiliar place, but sign on to that site and it'd be something familiar and comforting.

 

[SA]

I'm quite sad.

My E-Home is coming to an end. The website/message board that I consider home base is shutting down. I've spent 8 years there. I'm 24 now, so I've spent 1/3 of my life as a member of that site.

The news was sudden and unexpected. This sucks. I know it's just a website, but there was something comforting about it. I could be in an unfamiliar place, but sign on to that site and it'd be something familiar and comforting.

... and this site is here for you. For now. See how life has a funny way of working things out?