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  • TDS Moderators: AlphaMethylPhenyl | paranoid android

i really love this place, and i'm sorry

Wow. I'm so shocked and bothered and I don't even know what to say. Other than I hope that you see how many people, who have never met you, know you worth and you are important to!
 
CB,

Take a good look at how many people really care, please. I have been a bluelight lurker for many years before i created an account, even then i still havnt been using it much for much more than reading.

Reading about just how great you guys are and how much we all support each other, for better or for worse. This place changed my life also, possibly even saved me from making some horrible mistakes!





Please CB, you may not know me but i recall reading some of your threads/posts and as rarely as i post here i must tell you just how much your news upsets me, on so many levels. Ive lost a lot in my motorcycle crash and have severe pain and depression.

BUT we NEED to stay strong and FIGHT!!! Just look and see, there is inspiration everywhere. You just have to open your heart and accept it!




Again, please rethink and just look at all of us, you are loved and cared about!!!!!


aC
 
:(

i know exactly how you're feeling, because i had the same plan and was in the act of implementing it around fall of last year. unfortunately, i wasnt able to go through with it, because some of the pieces fell apart. and now, seeing how things have changed since then, and how much better my life is now (especially due to a few very important people who have grown incredibly close to my heart since then), i realize its actually very fortunate that i wasnt able to go through with it.

i know there's no way to talk you out of this, and with the damage caused by the earlier botched attemps and your almost constant headaches causing you so much pain, there isnt much that could cause you to rethink things. (although i recommend IM triptan drugs if they're actually migraines, and pyschedelics as prophylaxis if they're cluster headaches; i get both migraines and clusters, but they've never cause seizures or anything, and typically dont last more than 12 hrs, although 3-4 cluster headaches a week for 3-4 weeks is a fucking bitch, and the pain is bad enough that i would happily end my life to end the pain, if that was the only option. lucky me, the psychedelic prophylaxis is working, and so do my triptans).

i wish you the best. and know that not everyone who you've gone out of your way to make hate you in preparation for this will say "good fucking riddence" instead of crying over you; and you will be missed by many.
 
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I didn't know where else to go, and I feel like ultimately all this has been is an excercise in narcissism - something I'm fairly accustomed to doing on purpose, and sometimes (apparently) it spills into the accidental realm. Like I told Guido when he was thinking the same thing, I always go to the Lounge and make gay bear jokes and furry pictures when I'm feeling down.

I had a long talk with my girlfriend, who is the only person I always talk to about this, and she keeps reminding me to be strong but the fact is that I am in immediate danger of absolutely guaranteed death. I need big time help, and as much as the usual suicide diatribes make me want to seem like there's no hope, I have to selfishly build a safety net of friends who I haven't spoken to in years. Bluelight has been my only real source of support and probably saved my life quite a few times since before my first post date.

It's complicated, but my girlfriend has lived a very hard life and had to raise her sisters all by herself since the age of 14. She is such a good person and only with the help of my connections within the local community can she realize her dreams. Even if she was a total stranger, all I want is to do one good thing for someone who really deserves it before I go (I hate to word it like that). I wake up feeling fine, except for one problem - I am rationally and deliberately counting cash on hand and pricing weapons in the event that I don't have the patience for the rest of my sleep kit to come together. It is scary on a level I can barely feel anymore, but I still realize that something is terribly, terribly wrong with this thought process. I spend my time researching skull density in various places and the results of different types of ammunition. Angles, brain stem, everything is floating around in my head like a big math equation.

I am not scared to die, I am scared to live - and yes it's cowardly - but quite frankly in 100 years none of this will ever matter. It is just the pain and the emotional trap I will be setting for my gf that is holding me back like a giant stop sign, but sometimes I'm not sure it's enough because the selfishness takes over. I have a high probability of doing it even with my stop signs, and it is so hard to live my life like this: trying to think of plans for the future all the while having this contradictory element that knows suicide is eventually going to happen. It causes a mental stagnation that leads to the effects that autistic children experience - just siting for hours thinking of nothing and not even realizing the time is passing. I have to start reaching out today to people in Houston or I have no hope, it will happen without group intervention. I don't even think of it as sad anymore, just a chore to do - and this is not good by an objective standard, even though my rationale makes it seem reasonable.
 
it sounds like there is a lot of background to your story which is not in this thread. i wont begin to assume what the reasons behind your need to leave this life are, just understand how they must feel for you to make this sort of decision in what seems to be a very rational way.

from the fact that you have a girlfriend who you care about a lot, and who you share these sorts of feelings with, suggests that even that is something worth continuing on for.

definitely reach out for help. i am sure there are plenty of people in your area here on bluelight. it is one of the great/terrible things about bluelight, that there are so many international members here in a wide net, and yet sometimes there is someone who needs help and yet so far away, and all we can do is listen.

sometimes the option of ending it all and leaving this life, is enough to encourage a person to make the tough changes and choices in their life towards a better future in this world. sort of a way of 'hitting rock bottom'. when you have truly nothing left to lose, you can finally realise that at the same time, you are free and have the world to gain.
 
Thinking back to Psych 101...generally people who TALK about killing themselves are not 100% sure they want to go through with it. It's a cry for help more than a statement of intention. The people who are 100% resigned to killing themselves most often do so without warning or fanfare...e.g. no posts on BL talking about ending their lives. Most "attempted suicides" are bogus too, another cry for help.

This is good since a lot of posters here have talked about suicide but, AFAIK, few have actually gone through with it.
 
Dopamine_Cowboy said:
Thinking back to Psych 101...generally people who TALK about killing themselves are not 100% sure they want to go through with it. It's a cry for help more than a statement of intention. The people who are 100% resigned to killing themselves most often do so without warning or fanfare...e.g. no posts on BL talking about ending their lives. Most "attempted suicides" are bogus too, another cry for help.

This is good since a lot of posters here have talked about suicide but, AFAIK, few have actually gone through with it.
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IMO and experience this can go either way, lets hope YOU'RE right Dopamine_Cowboy!!!!
 
the problem is that it is getting to the point where i just was going to do it. i try not to talk about it because it's just a downer all around. i feel like i have no choice but to post somethimg about it because, no joke, doing it in a failsafe way is all i have been researching and thinking about every second of every day for months. i mean, yeah of course this can be classified as a cry for help but the truth is that i am very smart and i know those attempts were cries for help too. yeah i want help because i'm looking at my thought process right now and it is deadly in a very logical and unflinching way. deep down i seeiously hope that this is a cry for help too. i just don't know anymore. i seriously waited until the last minute to talk. i know that i am an immediate threat to myself and it is scady how erratic my thought process has become.
 
i'm working so hard to. there are too many people that have serious emtional investments in me tbat the frustration just makes me cry. i hate having this debate between this instinct to end myself and the pain of hurting so many people with my suicide. it is so horrible.
 
captainballs said:
deep down i seeiously hope that this is a cry for help too. i just don't know anymore. i seriously waited until the last minute to talk. i know that i am an immediate threat to myself and it is scady how erratic my thought process has become.
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cb, you are having second thoughts which in itself means you don't really want to die. You know that life is the better option.
If you are an immediate threat to yourself, please call a friend or a relative or family member, and just talk through it. Or you can call a suicide hotline in your area. You will feel better after some kind of positive human interaction. And, as you know, you can PM me (or someone else on BL that you know a bit better) if you don't feel that you can call someone on the phone.

I really believe that you will get through this, and that suicide is not the way to go for you. We all want you to get through this. Take care man <3
 
captain.... hang in there... even if it's by your fingernails...
i have read lots of your posts... and don't want to lose another bl'er...

you are important... even to people who don't know you...
 
I think you did well to post this, it's better than bottling it up, because then you will just feel worse and there will be more chance of you going through with it.

You don't know me that well but I've seen you around and I thought your posts were always right on :) I think you have yourself a real family here on BL and you need to listen to them, just because you know them through the internet doesn't make their love for you any less real.

Stay strong <3
 
i really appreciate all the support i've been getti g here and on facebook from everyone here. last week i went to court for income tax issues and it could have easily ended in a handcuff and no bail situation. i had no evidence, no lawyer, just me - the guy who spends 2 grand a month just to stay barely not in heavy withdrawals. i walked out with a four dollar check. i know i'm talented, smart, but i've been almost irreversibly focused on deception my whole life and it's already killing me at 26. i had good things going for me, but now i only have the order of which card will fall next, not the time. could be tonight, could be a month, a year. i'm trying to hang on but there's always that nitrogen and exit bag. my boss and everyone at work don't need a crystal ball to see that i'm dying slow from the stress. i had to clean out the car just now because as soon as i got in after work i just started heaving and shivering. things are all up in the air and the fact is that i need an ingenious escape plan because there only a few positive factors i am holding onto right now. but i'm milking them no matter how bad i feel.
 
there only a few positive factors i am holding onto right now. but i'm milking them no matter how bad i feel.
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Good. It's a start. Something that I've learned in the last couple of years is that outlook is really key to one's well-being. Grab hold of the positives. You've passed this latest hurdle, you can pass the next.
 
S - ping me back on BB Messenger one day, damnit! ;) I almost always have it running in the background.

I am glad that you are finding that small bit of hope to hold on to. Sometimes similar thinking has gotten me through difficult times. Hang in there, man. At least you've learned one of the most important lessons in all of life: money can't buy happiness, but not having it sucks. I learned that one the hard way too.
 
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