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i really love this place, and i'm sorry

captainballs

captainballs

Bluelighter
Joined
Sep 21, 2004
Messages
9,954
i'm going to stick around for a while because sometimes i really enjoy making people laugh and this board really has been a major part of my life for several years now. however, something i have kept quiet for these years are my hospitalizations for poorly planned overdoses, stomach pumps, permanent migraines tbat send me into what feels like either shock or seizures. i have stopped attempting and have finally decided to get real.

after a lot of research i have come up with a design for a device that absolutely causes no pain, does not require any sort of pills or firearms, and will leave no mess whatsoever. i would post it but i don't want to disrespect the board.

i am currently organizing my finances with the help of a completely oblivious tax attorney so that the debt, tax, and lawsuit issues are not inherited by anyone. this has taken months of preparation and will continue to take more time.

i have already distanced myself from the people who i consider those who have had in the past strong emotional connections to me. the hardest part in some of these cases was forcing people to hate me. this was something that i've seen work with cancer victims who want friends and family to write off the emotional investment quicker than those just loved by everyone.

my reasons are not important to me anymore, as i am self-aware enough at this point to realize that my mental health issues are too deeply buried. i have been planning this for many years and am happy to be on my way to a solution that will cause the least financial and social harm, and especially happy that there is indeed a very unconventional way, if followed properly, is infinitely more humane than a lethal injection.

i will be here for a while because a lot of factors need to be ironed out before i can finally sleep. i will still add my sense of humor to the board and will definitely not tarnish bluelight's name by posting an active and immediate suicide note, something i never did before my previous attempts. this is merely a statement of my belief in freedom.

the only thing i ask is that my facebook friends here on bluelight don't reveal this on my wall or to any of the people on my friends list, as i have used much diacipline in cutting communication with them over the past couple of years and tbey don't deserve the feeling of hopelessness that it would give them.
 
This really hurts to read, cb. :( You've been one of my favorite bluelighters for years now and you've been able to make me laugh during some pretty rough times. I know that a lot of other people here and I'm sure in your real life feel the same way.

I really hope you reconsider this and choose not to follow through with your plans!

More people care about you than you know and even though life has been hard, it can still get better. <3
 
really not necessary dude. although you may think that no one is effected by your choices i'm sure there still are many. i am in a dark place right now too but everyone gets through it.
 
I'm currently in the same space, so I don't really know what to say... I know life can be utter shit at times, but sometimes there are small glimmers of hope. Try to find that hope if you can.
 
Captain,

I hope you're not saying what I think you're saying.
There is a silver lining to every dark cloud. I too have been there and it took a lot of hard work (and the right prescripton med) to pull me though it.
I hope you find peace in whatever your choice, but please, reconsider.
I really dont know what else to say, if there is indeed anything. Words just seem way too shallow, and never enough.

<3
 
cb,

don't. please don't. we've never talked, but it tears me up whenever we lose a bluelighter. no one knows exactly what you're going through. please listen to what otehrs have said and try and find some hope. with all the effort you have put into these plans, surely that effort could be put into finding some real help. i truly think there's always an alternative.

<3
 
we all have different philoshies about crossing over, but i have created a reality which contains consequences that have forced lame and impulsive attempts before, and now things are worse. i have always, for as long as i can remember, wanted to rest - to have dreamless sleep. my migraines are more than just migraines now. they sometimes last for 48 hours, no sleep, until the pain is unmeaurable and even cause me to hear noises and shake uncontrollably. my fucking gf pays for my apartment and my vw. i am a leach. i spend every dollar i make on medication because i don't have insurance. i want the circle to stop spinning, i want the tax aurhorities to stop taking me to court, i want every major bank to file a lawsuit against someone else, and finally i want my gf to move on and live for herself with money that i can only guarantee will go to her and hee sisters if i am gone forever. that's it. i am weak and selfish, and i am tired of being a waste of air when there are so many good people in the world.
 
CB, please stick around. We have some hell to raise yet and some millions to make. Please drop me a PM before you do anything stupid. You're my friend and I'm not going to let you give up on yourself.

You know other ways to reach me too. I will not let you end up in the Shrine.

Stick around, please, buddy, you have more intrinsic worth than you realize, and if you need a reminder of that, please call or write.

<3 and peace be with you.
 
captainballs said:
we all have different philoshies about crossing over, but i have created a reality which contains consequences that have forced lame and impulsive attempts before, and now things are worse. i have always, for as long as i can remember, wanted to rest - to have dreamless sleep. my migraines are more than just migraines now. they sometimes last for 48 hours, no sleep, until the pain is unmeaurable and even cause me to hear noises and shake uncontrollably. my fucking gf pays for my apartment and my vw. i am a leach. i spend every dollar i make on medication because i don't have insurance. i want the circle to stop spinning, i want the tax aurhorities to stop taking me to court, i want every major bank to file a lawsuit against someone else, and finally i want my gf to move on and live for herself with money that i can only guarantee will go to her and hee sisters if i am gone forever. that's it. i am weak and selfish, and i am tired of being a waste of air when there are so many good people in the world.
Click to expand...

Why do you think your gf pays for you bro? You are not a waste of fucking air, you are worth it to her and that should say something right there. I don't know you nor have I ever talked to you - but hearing you like this is still painful, you are a human being, like me, like all of us, we all have our downfalls. I see your join date on BL - you know as well as I do that lots of us are struggling. Then look @ the shrine, how happy are any of the people there ? I had to add my buddy to that shrine this past week, I've shed many tears since then, nothing can replace the life of a person - we are all unique and form a world filled with individual personalities, please do not take away yours. Please talk to those you are close with here on BL and in person - don't just think twice, do whatever it takes to keep yourself going one more day while others who know you can talk and help. best wishes brother

john
 
CB, you are a formidable logician and have shown great insight at times beyond just logical analysis. Examine this statement as though it came from someone else :
as i am self-aware enough at this point to realize that my mental health issues are too deeply buried.
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Does not your awareness show that the issues are not to deeply buried? Assuming you have tried some things that did not work, you have not tried enough things or you would be past this already. EMDR, medication, hypnosis, Morita Therapy, chakra balancing, exercise, binaural beat therapy, repetitive transcranial magnetic stimulation, herbs, hang gliding, drug induced coma, sniffing Ocean's dirty socks ;), etc There are many, many things- some of them silly- that have a greater chance of making things better than euthanizing yourself.

I bet this whole self annihilation plan is rooted in punishing someone rather than in getting relief. TDS is not for promoting drug use, but I'd much rather you start doing a list of drugs you have not tried than engage an aimless, automaton self destruct program. Are time on earth in corporal bodies is limited but none of us knows there to be anything past this existence. Why waste any of it? Death will come for us all eventually anyways.
 
CB, I respect your right to die, however this may not be the right time. You are young, and your's is not a terminal illness. There are ways to make yourself well again. Please do not cheat yourself this way.
 
CB-- You've brought a lot to this board, and have personally made me laugh on many occasions with your posts. It probably sounds a bit hollow coming from a complete stranger and all, but I would certainly miss you. Hell, I've missed just seeing you around here. But knowing that you'll never grace us with your wit, charm, and superior story-telling skills, that's just terrible.

I recall reading about the start of your financial woes, and if the story came from anyone else I probably wouldn't believe them. It's a shit situation, there's no doubt of that. Adding the migraines on top of it would make your life miserable. I just never really thought of you as a quitter before. You were always driven, charismatic, and able to work the system as best you could. Lines may have been crossed, but again, I had never thought of you as someone who avoided consequences either.

I'm not really sure where I'm going with this. I've no doubt that you've found a way to cross over painlessly-- it's not really that hard. It just seems like such a shame that the world would lose someone like you. And it would be the world's loss, even if most people would never know it. I can't help you with your finances, nor with your migraines (other than to suggest that the overwhelming stress of total financial collapse may be at least linked to the migraines, if not the underlying root cause of them), but if there's some other way that I could help you, please don't hesitate to ask.

Do not go gentle into that good night. Life is too beautiful, and nothing of it comes with you when you leave. Please reconsider.
 
I hate to be the one to say it but:

I hope your right with God cause eternity is a very long time buddy!!!

Do what I did, file bankrupsy to take care of the banks...

Do you use any type of drugs?
 
SececaRD said:
I hate to be the one to say it but:

I hope your right with God cause eternity is a very long time buddy!!!
Click to expand...

CB may not share your beliefs about fire and brimstone... It's not the best tactic for talking someone out of suicide. :\
 
Captain Balls, I know you are in a miserable place right now..
But please just think this.... picture yourself five years from now, do you think that your suffering could end by then? any possibility of this ending?
I respect your decision, I REALLY hope you will reconsider, as it is most certainly NOT the answer.
I have not seen your posts before, but I feel you brother :(

...:(
~ Alex
 
CB,

despite the seemingly short time this account has been registered on bluelight, i recall your posts on this forum from years ago (5+).

i am glad you are taking the time to sort out your affairs in a rational manner before making this decision. although i do not agree with it as a way out of your own issues, i appreciate the feelings which accompany thoughts of ending it all.

I do sincerely hope that during the time left you have given yourself, you will find something worth living for, and something to keep yourself around by your own free will. a lot of people in your situation and feeling like there is no other escape, do not take the time to rationalise their decision, and often act rashly and spontaneously. i hope that in the process of sorting your affairs you discover that there is something worth sticking around for.

Everyone in the world has a cause and a reason. your own existence in this world can be a good thing. have you looked into a life where you devote yourself to helping others? some volunteer work (especially overseas away from your current lifestyle) can be rejuvenating and offer you something which may have been previously unobtainable.

my personal opinion regarding the matter is that if i have given up all hope for myself in this world, then i would use the opportunity of being born fit and able in this world to help others along the tough path which i had failed to walk correctly. and hope that along this new path i could find something in myself worth living for.

look at it in another light. by giving up all responsibility over your own life, by the mere fact that you plan 100% to end it, then you are freed from the chains which you might have felt bound you to your current situation. you are free to move around this world, meeting others, living a life free of social expectations. you can choose to take this freedom in a negative form and depart this life, potentially hurting those who you have forgotten to force out of your life, or those who even though are no longer in contact, will miss you dearly and blame themselves for your departure.

or you can make something of what you have and give yourself the chance, the opportunity to make something better for yourself.

i am sure you have heard it all before, devoting your life to help others, to find some self worth in this endeavor. you seem to be at a point where you have made the call, why not try this route?

i wish you all the best whichever path you decide to take, after all it is our own choice to remain or not remain on this earth. i do hope you have exhausted every other option though before you take the final choice to leave this all.
 
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