Hello,
I hope your doing as well as can be
Just finished reading this thread (version 3 oh my) ... and I've got to say that it was The most difficult thing I've done in a long while ... but I was determined to get through it ... even went without a drink or a smoke on purpose just to make me see it without any crutch.
If I could still cry I would be all out of tears by now ... primarily for the compassion shown here (Especially n3o , can't be easy to give what you do) ...
Much respect to you all.
Wow , my chest is all a flutter ... throat keeps gagging ... mind is a million minds a minute etc.
This whole thread could be considered a trigger (I think there was a warning) ... Please let me vent a little and If it's too much teach me what a NSFW is plz
...
I can't remember the first time I cut myself ... I do remember when I first really did it for release tho ... The year 1999 Is when I remember really cutting ...
Statistically I think I was probably older than most to start this , also I'm a male.
To be honest I'd never heard or known that people did this except for maybe a suicide attempt. I'd never heard of cutting until long after I'd started.
I think the initial phase came from severe depression and lack of drugs to numb the pain ... I meant to go easy and actually carve something "artistic" ... the slight pain and blood loss felt like a release.
Please don't read on if the 1st part was too much ... trying to keep it within reach tho ...
So , after a few days I had 1 person that wanted to know what had happened , insisted even ... from the look of slight horror and worry i realized that the recommendation to go and get stitches was probably best
(This is as hard for me to type as it is for one to listen ofc) ...
The doctor who stitched me up (not home town) asked what happened ... I think I just said I was a bit down and needed to feel something else ... No worries , on my way. Well , that was pretty much that and I didn't cut much after ... the scars on my arm were a worry and took ages to heal and I've barely worn a T-shirt around anyone since then. There's a hell of alot more to that story that relates to the issue but I'll try and stay strictly on this topic ...
I didn't cut much after , and when I did It was more of a fleeting episode than a habit most of the time ... However , the scars got more numerous ... thoughts of "It doesn't matter" because "It's already ruined" go thru the mind in order to be able to justify another cut ... and so it went but tapered down as the years went by until it had to be a very stressful/traumatic reason for it to eventuate.
(Trigger , don't read!?)
2 main reasons that finally got to me ... to help me dedicate my mind to Stop!
1st one was ... [edited]
2nd thing ... and more important I think ... was getting to know new people where I started renting ... happened to forget my long-sleeve and be there in a shirt (was worried at first but then forgot I even had scars).
One of the parents ... her young son came up to me and asked "What's that on your arm?" ... ahem .. um , just a few scars ... "What are they from?" I swear I almost had a heart attack as the rest of the group was watching ...
Best I could come up with was "Oh , a crazy cat scratched me up" , sheesh , how ironic. I've rarely felt such shame even though nobody there thought badly of me. They wouldn't have to , I felt bad enough.
It was seriously a defining moment in my life I just couldn't escape ... and all because of the innocent curiosity of a young child.
That was a number of years ago now ... I've harmed myself in many ways since ... including a few cuts here and there but I really would feel so bad and ashamed , and the whole gamut of emotions about the scars ... they took so long to heal as I got older and were so damn obvious if the sleeve slipped up.
I mean , what the hell do you tell people? ... I have to hide it as I can't bear the pain of trying to lie to all the questions.
About 2 years ago I got upset by something and proceeded to make yet another mark (after not doing so for a long while , doh) with blunt scissors of all things and the scar has only just lost it's pink. I also stabbed my chest with them at that time but hit my rib-bone and no damage but a dint and a hefty bruise. ... Of course I felt even worse after all that ... especially coz someone rang my sister and she came round to find me passed out ... but oh man oh man , I still feel so bad she had to see that and although her Bf is cool he lost alot of respect for me , and so he should as my sister cried and shouldn't have had to see that. (geez , almost shed a tear , it's been a while)
But that was about the last of it (fingers crossed) ... the urge creeps up so often that it is beyond reason. I don't want to do it , I shouldn't need to do it ... so what is it that still makes me feel this way? ...
Forgive me , I just needed to get some of that off my chest and there is no other outlet to do so. I've had a hard week and it's just coincidence that I'm now reading these topics ... if only I had the support 5 days ago , 5 months ago , 5 years ago ... maybe , just maybe things could have been different.
So , there's just a tiny bit of my cutting story ... I'm very sorry if I've made anyone feel worse. It's going to be a hardcore journey to read the archives on this subject but no doubt I will. Wish me luck ... as I do you %)
From memory It's been just over a year since I've done anything like this ... from all accounts I should be better off now than I have been for years but It's so damn easy to just break-down sometimes and I don't mean in a funky beat motion kinda way
Hopefully somewhere in my big mess of a rant I've been honest enough that another other may be able to relate to my experiences (and everyone elses) and in some way feel just a tiny bit of comfort knowing that there are others who understand and won't judge. I really farkin' need help myself recently but anyone can feel free to contact me about this issue ... I may not be able to solve the riddles but maybe , just maybe I can help someone to see the brighter side of life (Whistles the Monty Python Tune lol)
O.k. that's way too long a post but I hope ya dig where I'm comin' from ... Plz modify as necessary but I hope I've conducted myself as reasonably as possible given the topic. Thankyou.
Cheers all ... and plz stay safe
|_.
I hope your doing as well as can be
Just finished reading this thread (version 3 oh my) ... and I've got to say that it was The most difficult thing I've done in a long while ... but I was determined to get through it ... even went without a drink or a smoke on purpose just to make me see it without any crutch.
If I could still cry I would be all out of tears by now ... primarily for the compassion shown here (Especially n3o , can't be easy to give what you do) ...
Much respect to you all.
Wow , my chest is all a flutter ... throat keeps gagging ... mind is a million minds a minute etc.
This whole thread could be considered a trigger (I think there was a warning) ... Please let me vent a little and If it's too much teach me what a NSFW is plz
...
I can't remember the first time I cut myself ... I do remember when I first really did it for release tho ... The year 1999 Is when I remember really cutting ...
Statistically I think I was probably older than most to start this , also I'm a male.
To be honest I'd never heard or known that people did this except for maybe a suicide attempt. I'd never heard of cutting until long after I'd started.
I think the initial phase came from severe depression and lack of drugs to numb the pain ... I meant to go easy and actually carve something "artistic" ... the slight pain and blood loss felt like a release.
Please don't read on if the 1st part was too much ... trying to keep it within reach tho ...
So , after a few days I had 1 person that wanted to know what had happened , insisted even ... from the look of slight horror and worry i realized that the recommendation to go and get stitches was probably best
(This is as hard for me to type as it is for one to listen ofc) ...
The doctor who stitched me up (not home town) asked what happened ... I think I just said I was a bit down and needed to feel something else ... No worries , on my way. Well , that was pretty much that and I didn't cut much after ... the scars on my arm were a worry and took ages to heal and I've barely worn a T-shirt around anyone since then. There's a hell of alot more to that story that relates to the issue but I'll try and stay strictly on this topic ...
I didn't cut much after , and when I did It was more of a fleeting episode than a habit most of the time ... However , the scars got more numerous ... thoughts of "It doesn't matter" because "It's already ruined" go thru the mind in order to be able to justify another cut ... and so it went but tapered down as the years went by until it had to be a very stressful/traumatic reason for it to eventuate.
(Trigger , don't read!?)
2 main reasons that finally got to me ... to help me dedicate my mind to Stop!
1st one was ... [edited]
2nd thing ... and more important I think ... was getting to know new people where I started renting ... happened to forget my long-sleeve and be there in a shirt (was worried at first but then forgot I even had scars).
One of the parents ... her young son came up to me and asked "What's that on your arm?" ... ahem .. um , just a few scars ... "What are they from?" I swear I almost had a heart attack as the rest of the group was watching ...
Best I could come up with was "Oh , a crazy cat scratched me up" , sheesh , how ironic. I've rarely felt such shame even though nobody there thought badly of me. They wouldn't have to , I felt bad enough.
It was seriously a defining moment in my life I just couldn't escape ... and all because of the innocent curiosity of a young child.
That was a number of years ago now ... I've harmed myself in many ways since ... including a few cuts here and there but I really would feel so bad and ashamed , and the whole gamut of emotions about the scars ... they took so long to heal as I got older and were so damn obvious if the sleeve slipped up.
I mean , what the hell do you tell people? ... I have to hide it as I can't bear the pain of trying to lie to all the questions.
About 2 years ago I got upset by something and proceeded to make yet another mark (after not doing so for a long while , doh) with blunt scissors of all things and the scar has only just lost it's pink. I also stabbed my chest with them at that time but hit my rib-bone and no damage but a dint and a hefty bruise. ... Of course I felt even worse after all that ... especially coz someone rang my sister and she came round to find me passed out ... but oh man oh man , I still feel so bad she had to see that and although her Bf is cool he lost alot of respect for me , and so he should as my sister cried and shouldn't have had to see that. (geez , almost shed a tear , it's been a while)
But that was about the last of it (fingers crossed) ... the urge creeps up so often that it is beyond reason. I don't want to do it , I shouldn't need to do it ... so what is it that still makes me feel this way? ...
Forgive me , I just needed to get some of that off my chest and there is no other outlet to do so. I've had a hard week and it's just coincidence that I'm now reading these topics ... if only I had the support 5 days ago , 5 months ago , 5 years ago ... maybe , just maybe things could have been different.
So , there's just a tiny bit of my cutting story ... I'm very sorry if I've made anyone feel worse. It's going to be a hardcore journey to read the archives on this subject but no doubt I will. Wish me luck ... as I do you %)
From memory It's been just over a year since I've done anything like this ... from all accounts I should be better off now than I have been for years but It's so damn easy to just break-down sometimes and I don't mean in a funky beat motion kinda way
Hopefully somewhere in my big mess of a rant I've been honest enough that another other may be able to relate to my experiences (and everyone elses) and in some way feel just a tiny bit of comfort knowing that there are others who understand and won't judge. I really farkin' need help myself recently but anyone can feel free to contact me about this issue ... I may not be able to solve the riddles but maybe , just maybe I can help someone to see the brighter side of life (Whistles the Monty Python Tune lol)
O.k. that's way too long a post but I hope ya dig where I'm comin' from ... Plz modify as necessary but I hope I've conducted myself as reasonably as possible given the topic. Thankyou.
Cheers all ... and plz stay safe
|_.
Last edited by a moderator:
![:\](https://bluelight.org/xf/BL_Images/Orig_Emoji/wrygrin.gif "wry grin :\")
... yet how could I cast blame at anything or anyone.
