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Write a letter to someone who may never read it! >>> v. 2

You were my first and I feel stuck. You said one night not too long ago, "We're gonna end up stuck together, huh?" And I said yes, that seems so. "You're the only one who's gonna take care of me aren't you?" At the moment, yes. "Just keep loving me" And I do. I love you to death. But you probably meant to just keep loving you as a friend. But we were together just 9 months and I feel like you are a bigger part of my life than anyone ever has been. But those fucking assholes had to hook you up the other night, and get that girls number. I wouldn't mind, sure it takes time to get used to and get over and shit. But you don't understand that. You just expect me to love it and want to be her friend. It wouldn't be as hard if you didn't turn into a royal bitch everytime you see a girl. I've seen you do it before. But you won't listen to anything I say. You say I'm just like the other 19 year old bitches. Well I'm not. And I'd appreciate it if you'd stop making me feel like you hate my guts one minute then love me the next. It would fuck with anyone's head, not just me. I'm more mature in some ways than you will ever be. You have flaws too. I would be with you again in a heartbeat but that won't happen ever it seems, or unless you choose. I will always love you to death. I will always be your friend, as long as you want me to be. It's sad, even when you push me away, i'm right here waiting. You make me feel like shit for feeling any emotion, sadness, guilt, confusion, anger, hatred. I deserve to feel. ANd you deserve to be told when you're being a bitch, like you've told me to tell you before but never listen. YOu can't expect people to not take things the wrong way when you are how you are. YOU have flaws too. Yes I am jealous to an extent. But I'm still getting past that you're with someone else. You still count the days since your first love died. Instead of telling me to get the fuck over it, help me, support me, help me heal. At least make me feel like a human beign instead of a slave. Just cause I tend to feel alot doesn't mean I'm weak. You feel too, you're just better at hiding it.

Funny, I felt a ghost around me as I was writing this. It's Grandma, telling me she's been there too. Yet I feel so alone.
 
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Hey...

The past week has been so enlightening and I feel so vindicated because all the time I knew something was going on, and you kept denying it... it was all true. I have been crushed and my heart is broken. I don't understand how you thought you could get away with it. I don't understand why you would want to hurt me so badly. All I ever asked you to be was honest... you made me feel ridiculous for even questioning you. You carefully constructed your answers to my questions. You lied over and over again for months.

I will try really hard to believe you when you say you won't hurt me again... you seem sincere. Don't ruin this because I really do love you and couldn't take it if it happened again....
 
Hey. I'm surprised, but I've actually worked through the pain you left with me.

It was good to have tried, but I clung to a sinking ship for entirely too long.

Your life, as is, is pennence enough. I don't want to hear from you ever again.
 
The people who really care about me tell me I should leave and find a place of my own. Which was my original intention but don't have the money. I'm going monday to apply for income based housing. I hope you don't take this personally, if you do well...there's not alot I can do, cause when I try to talk to you you blow up and don't listen. And you accuse me of not listening. I want to see you happy, yes. I really hope you are. Obviously it won't be with me. Maybe in 10 years, like you said you saw in a vision, we'll both be straightened out enough to be together. But I won't hold my breath. You're a good friend, and I hope you still will be after all the shit goes down. I'm stuck now, don't know whether to pay your rent or use the money to get my own place. I can try to talk to you, but I don't want it to turn into something bad. I dont' want to leave you high and dry either. As much as I try sometimes, I'm not as mean and cold hearted as I wish I could be. I wish you were the same in that regard.
 
Dear you,
Well, it's been about two months and it hasn't gotten any easier. I think about you all the time. I just dreamt about you. You had someone new and it tore me up inside. It takes every bit of my willpower not to contact you, to say hi or ask how you're doing. I google your name sometimes... I like to know that you haven't disappeared completely because it certainly feels like you have. I miss you so much. I fantasize about getting back together, but you hurt me so much that the only way I'd take you back is if you tracked me down and said all the right things. And you're not going to. I love you, and a small part of me will always be yours. But you were an idiot to let me go.
 
Dear W in P C's

I see you three or four times a day. You always make me laugh, and I can't get over your beautiful bee hive hair. You use silly little phrases like "Apples to Apples" and always get people to switch. You make insurance sound like candy. You remind of Peg Bundy, only prettier, and perkier. The bright red lipstick you wear is a perfect match for that bright red hive. I would love to have you get some of that lipstick on parts of my body. If I ever got a quote from you, I'd switch in a heartbeat.
Do you have a boyfriend? Would you ever date a customer?
 
One year since I last saw you. I spent half of that backpacking Europe and the other half getting my life and school back on track. I've come a long way.

And still, I imagine that I'm holding you every night I go to sleep.

When will I move on? When will I find someone to share myself with?
 
venting...

Why cant u be honest with me? Ive tried to end thing but u wont let me. I know ur with her tonight. why else would u call her as soon as youleft to go "jam". that was ur excuse before. uve been talking to her all day. nothing has changed from 3 weeks ago when i first found out. i gave u a 2nd chance even though u didnt deserve it. all i asked was that u didnt talk to her anymore because u fucked her. but u couldnt do that so i know how u really feel... and ive known for a while...
What makes it so hard is that we live together and we’re gonna have to deal with each other for the next 6 months. I wish more than anything it could be a clean break because I would have been gone a long time ago. I know I pushed u away at first but I just wanted things to ed. Since u wouldn’t let me leave u I was trying everything I could to make u leave me. Sad thing is… u would rather cheat than leave…
But then… things were ok…actually seemed good. Everything was going well and I really thought we were going to be okay. Didn’t realize it was all an act. Even after I started suspecting u shit and confronted u about it, u still let me believe I was the one. I said I was sorry for pushing u away and told u I would do my part to make things better.
U acted like that’s what u wanted too…U even asked about marriage and babies with me even though u had just fucked her… I had even said that day that we weren’t right for each other & we should move on… but u didn’t want to let go even though u were fucking some other girl.
If u wanted thing to work out, u would have come home to me already. U would have done anything to prove u want to be faithful. She doesn’t like when u drink..and neither do i. Its only when shes mad at u that u give a shit about being a drunk. Ive dealt with ur shit for over 4 years… 4 long years…
She got mad at u for one night of drinking and u were so upset she was ignoring but u didn’t care at all how much u had hurt me. U fucked her 7 times while I cried myself to sleep every night. Who knows how many times its happened since I finally got some answers from u.
I would have been alright if u would have said things were done when I wanted them to be. Im ready to move on but unfortunately its not that easy. Until june when our lease ends, its going to be tough…
Ive given u countless oportunities to be single… yet u wont take them. Well…this is it… I’m not doing it anymore…I cant deal with games and mind fuck anymore…I tried… Its not worth it…
U want her… she wants u… nothing is going to stop that. Im just getting out of the way now because Im done wasting time with u… ive wasted over 3 years already and its time to move on…
Have a happy life… Im better off without u… I knew that years ago… just wish I would have been strong enough to believe that back then..
 
^^ first year was happy.. so i dont count that a waste. he was and is my first love and even though the last few years were bad the first one was good... and for that i am ever grateful.
 
why did you come after me? i have a big heart but kept it closed for a reason. it was a mistake going into it but I wanted to believe. you crushed my church and I broke your faith. all there is to offer is sorrow when i open. this existance was closer. please let me come back better for you next time.
 
Why do I still miss you?
Why do I wish you were hear?
Why even after everything, I wish we still had a chance, that the vows were true, that our family could be happy still?

I guess I just wont ever stop missing you :(
 
Most days I wish you would just move already. Just leave here. Leave so you aren't within a drives distance. You know I'm weak, and you must push me away because I am a weak individual. A masochist for putting myself through the pain day after day, but at the end of those days, I happily dream of a world where it's me and not her. I want to leave this place and never come back because of you. I fear the day that I run into you two and I fall apart at the seams. I wish I never met you. I do regret it all, but I couldn't tell you that cause it would break your heart, cause you enjoy our friendship. I cried the other day, and you didn't even notice. I gave you one of the most private, intimate things, and you just threw it away like it was nothing. Casual. I need to find my way back to me. Back to how I was before I met you. I should have never let you. You and your smooth talking, good looking ways. You know all of the things that I am a sucker for, and you use them against me. I wish I lived in a delusional world like you do. Where I can escape from everyday realities and just find my way to someone. You have it easy. But one day, one day you'll regret it all when your shallowness has consumed you, and I have moved well past you and I never look back. I will leave you in the dust of the bed you made.
 
One year ago today ...that first message "heya sweet"

when we were friends and you disappeared then came back. But those words changed everything.

From then on it was heavenly.

Even when it wasn't, I didn't mind. After all...It was "us". Your first + my first=us.

I wish we'd had some closure.

I wish I knew why.

I hope you are ok.

I wish I could tell you things and hear yours. And I wish I could have made you laugh one last time.

:\ I don't know what else to say. I still can't figure it out. :\

I think of you every single day and I still *you know *

xxx
 
fuckin'...wow...Its been so long and still I have so many regrets. You where so beautiful, great company, incredibly fun, and the best companion anyone could be blessed with. no, I'm sure you still are all these things. I'm so sorry I fucking failed. I failed at the very end to show you the respect you deserved. but you seemed to forgive me for that, shortly before I failed again, perhaps you felt the tension and stress was affecting myself as well as you? Then, under the shitstorm the outside world was throwing at us I lost my resolve, my fighting spirit. I gave up, I fucking disgraced my self with cowardice, and worse, I gave up on you, on us. as you where wisked off, back to emotional clusterfuck and over bearing control of your hardly ideal family. I'm fucking sorry for all of it, my snapped, harsh words, and for my disgusting act of giving up when you asked me not to, when you asked me to keep you with me, and I diddn't. I miss you each day, and I regret my actions and my inactions as well. I hope some day, some how, we'll speak again, and if we could be on good terms, even if just as great friend to join me for a night of blow and riding around on my bike, it would be a massive weight lifted from upon me, and to to kiss you again, well, there is very little I would not do. to quote one of our favorite artists ÿou ever need someone off, who's throat is?"*fuckin grins* änd most of all, I hope all is okay for you, in regards to everything. and hell, you might even be reading this, after all,you where a BLer too...on that note, join me in ideals of giving into temptation and hedonism and lets go blow a ball and stay up all night wandering around.

rangrz is unable to restrain from this tonight...sorry BL I'll get back my usual trolling and self absorbed flaming tomorrow or something.
 
fatallyflawed said:
Why do I still miss you?
Why do I wish you were hear?
Why even after everything, I wish we still had a chance, that the vows were true, that our family could be happy still?

I guess I just wont ever stop missing you :(
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it goes away eventually. you can't help but remember the good times, the happiness, the love but eventually, they become distant memories that are still positive moments but moments you no longer wish to have in the present day with that person. you're allowed to miss her, you're allowed to still love her, you're allowed to wish things were different but don't dwell on it. you seem much, much happier now that the drama is gone so continue to look forward and take care of yourself and your beautiful girls <3







1 revolution...

i love you, bby. md
 
Dear Christine,

You have the sunshine in your smile, your eyes; it radiates from you as you meander from here to everywhere. Sharing, exploring beauty in everything. I pledge allegiance to you as your flares reach the outermost stars and invite the millions around you. I wish I were half the person that you are.

<3
Drew
 
~*geNeRaTiOn E*~ said:
it goes away eventually. you can't help but remember the good times, the happiness, the love but eventually, they become distant memories that are still positive moments but moments you no longer wish to have in the present day with that person. you're allowed to miss her, you're allowed to still love her, you're allowed to wish things were different but don't dwell on it. you seem much, much happier now that the drama is gone so continue to look forward and take care of yourself and your beautiful girls <3







1 revolution...

i love you, bby. md
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HUGS! <3

Someday I will make it down to actually meet you! You always have the nicest things to say!
 
I can see through your facade.

Push yourself away from the computer, and stay out of my sock drawer please.


:)
 
I'm sorry for my fuck up, whatever I did wrong, I am not sure. I would correct it in a second if it meant we were on good terms again and how we were before.

I have my issues, but so do you, we both do. I took you as you are, I thought you took me as I was faults...fuck ups and all.

You were there that night I most needed you and I will be forever thankful for that night, I don't know what I would have done without you.

You got me to see my doc to get on meds that would help me live a healthier lifestyle mentally, and I thank you greatly, I feel like a better person now than before.

I don't know what I did to push you away, I don't know what is wrong with me that you rather be with your ex, when I was right here for you loving you as a friend and so much more.

I don't know what I did but I would take it all back if it meant I could spend 1 day with you....if it meant we could be on good terms again, getting spun and walking the streets all hours of the night laughing and our morbid talks about things.....I miss that.

I miss my friend.

I miss the look of surrender in your eyes
The way your soft brown hair felt
I miss the power of your kiss when we "had fun"
But baby most of all

I miss my friend
The one my heart and soul confided in
The one I felt the safest with
The one who knew just what to say to make me laugh again
And let the light back in
I miss my friend

I miss the colors that you brought into my life
Your golden smile, those golden brown eyes
I miss your gentle voice in lonely times like now
Saying it'll be alright

I miss my friend
The one my heart and soul confided in
The one I felt the safest with
The one who knew just what to say to make me laugh again
And let the light back in
I miss my friend

I miss those times
I miss those nights
I even miss our silly fights
The making up
The morning talks
And those late night walks

I miss my friend
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I miss it all, I miss you.



I know you'll be angry I wrote this but I dont mean to push you away more.... just to know how much i miss my BESTFRIEND...... not lover/ not fwb/ but BESTFRIEND.

I miss our stimmed up weird talks, morbid talks, silly talks, our walks through hippyville lulzing at them and talking about how to get rid of all the shitty people.

I miss your smile, I miss that one rare laugh I heard, I miss your stories, our talks.

I even miss a simple talk over cofee or junk food in the morning after a night full of stims.

I miss everything now that I have nothing.

I hope one day you'll be back in my world as my friend again and we can do all those silly things we did before, our walks and talks and such.

I await, hoping I don't have to wait til hell's gate to have that awesome party.


Whatever I can do to make up whatever I did wrong, I'll do it. Just ask. I am hoping to hear my phone ring your ringtone soon, ironic enough its called "Techno .....(something i forget)". I am awaiting that call you from you that you forgive me for whatever I did, and we can hang like old times.

As a man once said "baby I'll wait for you, cause I don't know what else to do."

I sit here waiting patiently ...we as i can.....for your call. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xaHyvAMLk7U
 
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