My first encounter with this substance, was I have to say, somewhat memorable and probably somewhat regrettable too. I also have to say that it was probably very similar - if not identical to a number of MDMA type experiences I've had in the past. I didn't, I confess experience the deeply pleasurable body sensations I encountered through my initial exposure to MDMA, when I first tried this substance a few years ago. But then again I wasn't sure if perhaps this was only to be expected, since I haven't really encountered this aspect of MDMA use for a long time either. Still, after an enforced absence of the best part of a year, I wondered if maybe, even for a brief while, the 'magic' might return? Unfortunately it didn't.
It didn't help I guess that my first encounter (with what does seem in many ways like an extremely similar substance with many extremely similar effects), was while on my own. Nor I suppose does it help that in the end I probably took way too much. (500mg, as for some reason I believed that after just 25 minutes, the first 250mg gelcap wasn't going to kick in, and that probably the product was a bit crap).
In any case this second dose (or in retrospect, possibly any dose of any kind of MDMx, or similar substance at all) was a huge mistake. Having not indulged, as I said, for the best part of what was probably the last year, it's my view that the following several hours that passed where nothing less than a very stark, uncontrolled and quite disturbing period of sheer insanity.
Things that in my normal day to day life might have seemed irrational and not entirely desirable, seemed at that point to be among some of the most stunningly good ideas I had ever had. (Like for example, blowing the limit on my one remaining usable credit card to buy in some high class escorts for me and my friends, so that for one night only, I could know what it was like to live out the rock and roll dream, of drugs sex and unrestrained debauchery).
This might seem like not such a bad idea overall. However my more sensible/sober brain would probably never give serious thought to an idea like this, since firstly, I'm not entirely sure how the wife would take it, and also because I doubt my credit card company would be too pleased after the event either, particularly when they realised I was in no position at all to pay them back.
Additionally, although I wouldn't admit this easily, there was also a point after a male friend (more of an associate to be honest) and work colleague stopped by briefly for a chat. To be clear my sober brain and everything about me, is in no way attracted to other men. I know this might be difficult to believe in light of what I'm about to say. However I have thought about it in the past (as most people at some point or other do), and to be honest the thought has always struck me as being fundamentally uninteresting. I am not by any means homophobic (genuinely not so), just wholly indifferent. People should (providing it doesn't hurt anyone else) be able to do whatever they want to do and sleep with whoever they want to sleep with too. But at no point in the past have I ever found anything about the male form, or about guys in general to be remotely physically or emotionally appealing.
In this instance though, I admit there was a point where it seemed to me that this person was really almost overwhelmingly attractive, and that they were becoming increasingly appealing to me as our conversation progressed. Fortunately he left before I made any kind of error that I may have had cause to regret. But just before he did and for some time afterwards, a thought had began to gel in my head that perhaps I should have attempted to proposition him?
To be fair, I don't think it was because he was a guy, more that likely just that he was 'alive' - and it was entirely possible by that stage that I would probably have been prepared to pretty much fuck anything that moved. (So possibly a good job there weren't any animals around at that point either, lol).
All of this might sound a bit terrible - and I wouldn't normally be given over to so openly making confessions of this kind. However the point of it all, is that I do think it might serve as a rather salutatory warning, since looking at it now I can say that probably for the duration of the experience (which was about 7 to 8 hours overall), I was probably insanely and utterly out of control. (Indeed completely 'berserk' would probably be a better way of describing it).
Half of the time I spent writing a massively long and rambling text to a friend detailing the myriad of ways in which they had offended me. (Indeed epically long is probably more accurate). Having sent the text, I am now hugely embarrassed, because I'm sure most of it must have come across as the inane ramblings of a mad person. And worse than this, now that I'm sober, I can't even remember what it was that they were ever supposed to have done to offend me anyway?
I'm not sure why I'm writing this here, other than maybe to remind myself in the future about the limitations of doing anything like this again. However maybe, vaguely there's a chance it might help someone else too.
My one abiding impression (and probably the most disturbing of all), was that while under the influence of this drug, I was literally out of control. Also more worrying is that not only was I out of control, it was in fact the drug that was in complete control of me. (Not that there was all that much control in evidence at all though). Whoever and whatever I was during that time, I was certainly not me. I was something completely different.
Fortunately in the end nothing very bad happened. But I'm pretty sure that given a different situation, and maybe a different setting too, the potential for something highly regrettable to happen was definitely there. What's to say for example that I wouldn't have gotten the idea that somehow hurting someone wouldn't have seemed like a great idea too? How could I have guaranteed I wouldn't? This might seem like a small worry, but to be honest, I was so out of it - and so out of control, that given a slightly different set of circumstances there's no telling what I might do. I literally probably wouldn't have any say in it at all.
I also found myself after the event, remembering some occasions in the past when I had taken MDMA, in what were probably some quite desperate circumstances. Generally the reason for this was that I probably craved the intimacy, closeness and communication that were so lacking in other parts of my life. They were not on the whole, what could be considered 'happy events'. I probably did achieve moments of closeness, communication and intimacy through some of these experiences, but even then I was still often left with the impression that these came at quite a high cost.
MDMA (or MDMx in this case) also often comes with a bit of a revelatory twist in the tail at the end. (Or at least it does for me). This time wasn't all that different. But what it told me this time probably wasn't so great. It told me that first there were probably some things I had done that had caused me to behave in a selfish way and that may even have hurt some of my friends. Secondly it told me that MDMA (or MDMx, or any drugs in general) may well have a deeply detrimental effect, not an effect maybe that's always immediately obvious, but possibly still quite hurtful and damaging nonetheless.
I'm not sure how I'm likely to apply this lesson yet. I hope it leads me to making some better choices about how I treat myself and other people. But it has left me with the impression that overall, indulging in experiences like this hasn't ever done all that much to make me any happier - and that they aren't ever likely to be a substitute for the other things that are missing in my life either.
Lol, having said this if there was ever a drug that had the empathic and open qualities of MDMA etc. and that enabled a good open dialogue, without driving you certifiably insane for the duration of the experience, I would probably be really interested to give it a go.
MDMA is something I've used previously to help overcome certain social phobias, but I can't say I've ever really liked the feeling of being completely off my face - or as out of control as I was on this occasion.
Oh well, lesson learned I guess.