Chigger90
Bluelighter
I hate it. I was abused by my parents and this girl raped me when I was 14. She forced me on the bed and held me down.
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Pandora's Box.......Sexual Abuse
- Thread starter ocean
- Start date
jackie jones
Bluelight Crew
^That is heart breaking, Chigger90. Have you managed to overcome it?
stellablue
Bluelight Crew
I am gathering my strength for what I need to do now. I am ready to fight back for what was taken from me. I can not go into much detail because my oldest daughter is a BLer, and it is not a good idea for her to know.
I am ready to fight back, and I will make things right. Maybe just maybe, I can still make things right? Just am not sure when things ever end, *do people really ever do time for sexual assults?* Or does it only get easier in death. Or is that really a cope out? I used to think suicide was a cope out. What can someone call it when it hurts to much? So with some help info I got in a PM, I am taking steps. Maybe the pain will be less if they are brought to justice. That is all I can really hope for at this time.
^ Thats true. They already did the rape kit when I was in the er. So I am hoping the hardest is behind me.
I am ready to fight back, and I will make things right. Maybe just maybe, I can still make things right? Just am not sure when things ever end, *do people really ever do time for sexual assults?* Or does it only get easier in death. Or is that really a cope out? I used to think suicide was a cope out. What can someone call it when it hurts to much? So with some help info I got in a PM, I am taking steps. Maybe the pain will be less if they are brought to justice. That is all I can really hope for at this time.
izzy66 said:
^ Thats true. They already did the rape kit when I was in the er. So I am hoping the hardest is behind me.
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stellablue
Bluelight Crew
^ To be honest it is normal to go back to the place you feel you were so broken from. I revisit a certain place sometimes. It is only to help yourself see you have control now, and they can no longer hurt you. Never let your parents make you hurt either of them or anyone else as they did you or then they will win, and fuck that, right? You are better then they are, and you will be better if you stay strong.
Much love and respect. Stellabella
jackie jones
Bluelight Crew
I do not want to see an important thread go unnoticed.
Bump.
Bump.
theartofwar
Bluelighter
Hid a three month nightmare for 9 years, I remember doing my own laundry to try to hide the blood. I was told if i said anything my family would die, fucking young and believed it. Still struggle to this day to try to cope, not in therapy, haven't been on my DOC for a couple months and for the first time I can't avoid that this happened in my life. I made a thread about PTSD and quitting opiates, well it's not an easy task. I used to know other kids that were in the same boat, but they have either killed themselves or OD'd or dropped off the face of the earth. I really hate this topic but I desperately need help, and I can't seem to talk about it in person worth a shit, i just skate around it and say I'm fine, I'm not fine, this thread has tears in my eyes.
ChristBait
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Jan 27, 2005
- Messages
- 153
I deleted my post cuz it revealed too much about my sexual abuse. I didn't want to kill this thread, since I seem to be doing alot of that lately
I remember having many peer-related sexual experiences as a child growing up, and I sort of look back on them with a rather mild indifference. Growing up, I always thought sexual abuse meant you held someone down and raped them, or hurt their genitals or something. I've come to learn that this is by and large not the case, and most child sexual abuse, while exploitative in nature, is complicit.
This has always led me to wonder whether it's exploitative nature of the act(s) that cause the distress, or the sexual act itself? What mechanism is it that associates both violent and non-violent sexual experiences (abuse) with pain and anguish later in life? This seems so obvious and even taken for granted by some. I've just never seen it adequately explained.
Further, would this reaction happen in a vacuum, or does society play a role? Do you conceptualize sex by a subjective standard once you become older, or would a person locked in a room their entire life reach the same conclusion, given enough time?
I suppose if it was a parent or relative, it would disrupt your perceptions on those relationships. The power differential, as well as the caretaker/dependent role would be compromised. There's also the perception of incest to consider. I still do think that those things need to be learned to a certain extent in order to provoke such a negative response, though.
Maybe someone else can clarify.
This has always led me to wonder whether it's exploitative nature of the act(s) that cause the distress, or the sexual act itself? What mechanism is it that associates both violent and non-violent sexual experiences (abuse) with pain and anguish later in life? This seems so obvious and even taken for granted by some. I've just never seen it adequately explained.
Further, would this reaction happen in a vacuum, or does society play a role? Do you conceptualize sex by a subjective standard once you become older, or would a person locked in a room their entire life reach the same conclusion, given enough time?
I suppose if it was a parent or relative, it would disrupt your perceptions on those relationships. The power differential, as well as the caretaker/dependent role would be compromised. There's also the perception of incest to consider. I still do think that those things need to be learned to a certain extent in order to provoke such a negative response, though.
Maybe someone else can clarify.
lasthurrah19
Bluelighter
I could answer some of those questions I guess. First off, sexual abuse experiences, whether violent or not, tend to be repressed and that is why they cause anguish later in life. Double so for incest. Incest is almost always physically, sexually and emotionally abusive. I do not know whether it's the nature of the act(s) or the act itself but personally for me it's partially both but more the former.
I think it's pretty impossible to tell whether this reaction would happen in a vacuum, but my guess is that yes, it would, for certain people, and no, it wouldn't, for others. I personally was "locked in a room" for a good portion of my life (I know that's not where you were going with that), and I still had an innate reaction of dissociating and denying the reality of what was happening, an innate knowing that what was happening was wrong and that I could never tell anybody (or so I thought at the time). This was both as a little child and for about 9 months when I was around 18, and for other, shorter times from a child until age 19.
I believe a lot of your questions are very subjective to the person, and the context of their abuse. Anyone who was abused by a parent/guardian, in my opinion, is going have that innate knowing that something is very fucking wrong. I'm not an expert but I've talked to many people in treatment about this and everyone without exception knew that something wasn't right. It also didn't take society to tell them - or me - to dissociate or in my case create alters to deal with what the I could not deal with. Considering I have alters that are not old enough to talk, let alone understand complex societal roles or have much learned behavior from what they have learned, I will conclude that at least some of the reaction is a reaction to the event and the percieved (and literal) helplessness of being an abused child, and has nothing to do with someone reacting the way society would expect them to.
Also, I had the peer sexual experiences growing up and I do not consider those abuse, although some of them were inappropriate and brought on by lack of parental care ("lets let the two (opposite sex) 10 year olds take a bath together!"), for the most part this is a normal part of growing up.
Man it's been a while since I posted on here, huh? theartofwar, good for you for expressing what happened to you even if it is online, it's a start. Always feel free to PM me or get me on AIM (lasthurrah1919). Best wishes to you all. For what it's worth most people I've known would probably consider me to have "dropped off the face of the earth", but I'm still here, so maybe some of your friends are too.
I think it's pretty impossible to tell whether this reaction would happen in a vacuum, but my guess is that yes, it would, for certain people, and no, it wouldn't, for others. I personally was "locked in a room" for a good portion of my life (I know that's not where you were going with that), and I still had an innate reaction of dissociating and denying the reality of what was happening, an innate knowing that what was happening was wrong and that I could never tell anybody (or so I thought at the time). This was both as a little child and for about 9 months when I was around 18, and for other, shorter times from a child until age 19.
I believe a lot of your questions are very subjective to the person, and the context of their abuse. Anyone who was abused by a parent/guardian, in my opinion, is going have that innate knowing that something is very fucking wrong. I'm not an expert but I've talked to many people in treatment about this and everyone without exception knew that something wasn't right. It also didn't take society to tell them - or me - to dissociate or in my case create alters to deal with what the I could not deal with. Considering I have alters that are not old enough to talk, let alone understand complex societal roles or have much learned behavior from what they have learned, I will conclude that at least some of the reaction is a reaction to the event and the percieved (and literal) helplessness of being an abused child, and has nothing to do with someone reacting the way society would expect them to.
Also, I had the peer sexual experiences growing up and I do not consider those abuse, although some of them were inappropriate and brought on by lack of parental care ("lets let the two (opposite sex) 10 year olds take a bath together!"), for the most part this is a normal part of growing up.
Man it's been a while since I posted on here, huh? theartofwar, good for you for expressing what happened to you even if it is online, it's a start. Always feel free to PM me or get me on AIM (lasthurrah1919). Best wishes to you all. For what it's worth most people I've known would probably consider me to have "dropped off the face of the earth", but I'm still here, so maybe some of your friends are too.
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ocean
Bluelight Crew
Bump for anon member who may want to read others experiences and coping mechanisms......
Kallisti
Bluelighter
Sorry so long........I started typing and kindof poured my heart out to you all. Thank you for reading, if you go ahead and brave the long post.
Thank you for this thread. I just noticed it today and I am a survivor of sexual abuse as well. I never was able to repress the memories of childhood abuse........actually they are almost as vivid, disgusting,upsetting, and scary as the first time I was abused as a child. Also, I have also survived sexual assault as an adult.
When the topic comes up, I cannot stress to people strongly enough about rape from a spouse/significant other as a legitimate reason to press charges, leave the relationship (which is sometimes hard, I know, especially when you are practically brainwashed by the other person), and to seek help for sexual abuse.
It is just awful that in some places, spousal sexual abuse was not considered an actual forced sex event until fairly recently. Some places in the world still feel this way, and/or the victim is the one punished, blamed, jailed, etc. And, many individuals feel this way.........that the duty of the victimized spouse is to provide sex as often as the abusive spouse desires because this is understood as a required part of marriage (being a 'good wife'). Women (me included) often struggle with overwhelming guilt for not fulfilling these requirements, fighting back, etc.
It is so frustrating and horrible that rape/sexual abuse is still so prevalent, in this and all situations. Spousal sexual assault is exactly what it says: SEXUAL ASSAULT. It is hard to find the strength to leave a spouse/significant other for these reasons but it can be done and there are resources such as domestic violence shelters, rape councilors, and other places to find help.
I have been through ALOT of therapy and medications to overcome these past events, but I still have physical scars from the abuse (which is kindof embarrassing to have in and near my cooter. My fiance is very sweet and loving and fortunately isn't icked out by scars down there. TMI but oh well). The physical scars are not nearly as bad as the emotional scars one must overcome. If you have been sexually abused try to stay strong! We are survivors and we can help others to be survivors instead of victims!!!
Men who have been through sexual abuse have some of the same barriers to overcome like the spousal abuse because many do not feel that a man can be sexually assaulted. We know different though.......sexual abuse is sexual abuse and is not gender specific. Men........stay strong too! We are all survivors, men and women!!
Thank you for this thread. I just noticed it today and I am a survivor of sexual abuse as well. I never was able to repress the memories of childhood abuse........actually they are almost as vivid, disgusting,upsetting, and scary as the first time I was abused as a child. Also, I have also survived sexual assault as an adult.
When the topic comes up, I cannot stress to people strongly enough about rape from a spouse/significant other as a legitimate reason to press charges, leave the relationship (which is sometimes hard, I know, especially when you are practically brainwashed by the other person), and to seek help for sexual abuse.
It is just awful that in some places, spousal sexual abuse was not considered an actual forced sex event until fairly recently. Some places in the world still feel this way, and/or the victim is the one punished, blamed, jailed, etc. And, many individuals feel this way.........that the duty of the victimized spouse is to provide sex as often as the abusive spouse desires because this is understood as a required part of marriage (being a 'good wife'). Women (me included) often struggle with overwhelming guilt for not fulfilling these requirements, fighting back, etc.
It is so frustrating and horrible that rape/sexual abuse is still so prevalent, in this and all situations. Spousal sexual assault is exactly what it says: SEXUAL ASSAULT. It is hard to find the strength to leave a spouse/significant other for these reasons but it can be done and there are resources such as domestic violence shelters, rape councilors, and other places to find help.
I have been through ALOT of therapy and medications to overcome these past events, but I still have physical scars from the abuse (which is kindof embarrassing to have in and near my cooter. My fiance is very sweet and loving and fortunately isn't icked out by scars down there. TMI but oh well). The physical scars are not nearly as bad as the emotional scars one must overcome. If you have been sexually abused try to stay strong! We are survivors and we can help others to be survivors instead of victims!!!
Men who have been through sexual abuse have some of the same barriers to overcome like the spousal abuse because many do not feel that a man can be sexually assaulted. We know different though.......sexual abuse is sexual abuse and is not gender specific. Men........stay strong too! We are all survivors, men and women!!
theartofwar
Bluelighter
I can't read through all of this without ripping my hair out or ending in tears, so I'm just going to ask: Recently my whole ordeal flared up again - it's hard to say this but it's ruining my relationship(s) esp in any sexual manner, I hate being touched, I feel as if I absolutely need to be using to even attempt anything intimate now... does anyone else have this problem ? I've been back in therapy some of it is rather graphic - I'm not sure it's kosher to post some of the questions, maybe I can run it by a mod ? I just can't imagine some of these things .. esp the guilt and physical aspects are singled out to me, I know we're all surviving this and I don't want to be to explicit. Best wishes to you all, I wish I could know you in my life, feels very lonely holding this stuff down with nobody else who really understands. I'm sure you all can relate to that latter part.
? I've been back in therapy some of it is rather graphic - I'm not sure it's kosher to post some of the questions, maybe I can run it by a mod ? I just can't imagine some of these things .. esp the guilt and physical aspects are singled out to me, I know we're all surviving this and I don't want to be to explicit. Best wishes to you all, I wish I could know you in my life, feels very lonely holding this stuff down with nobody else who really understands. I'm sure you all can relate to that latter part.
C
cofluey
Guest
argh
this is a post for pandora's box thread...
i've tried to read this thread a few times, but literally couldn't, but i'm amazed by how strong and together everyone seems to be... the only thing i can say about myself is that i'm alive... some life... i barely leave the fucking house...
this is a post for pandora's box thread...
i've tried to read this thread a few times, but literally couldn't, but i'm amazed by how strong and together everyone seems to be... the only thing i can say about myself is that i'm alive... some life... i barely leave the fucking house...
ocean
Bluelight Crew
^It will get easier.
Fear is a powerful thing but it is something that CAN be overcome.
Talking about it can be healing.
If you are the type to not talk about it- You might try some sort of meditation or write it out....?
Just look forward,and keep your head up.
Fear is a powerful thing but it is something that CAN be overcome.
Talking about it can be healing.
If you are the type to not talk about it- You might try some sort of meditation or write it out....?
Just look forward,and keep your head up.
izzy66
Bluelighter
TAOW- yes, i think it's really common for survivors to have problems with intimacy even when you know you're safe and w/ someone you want to be with and know well. no matter how hard i try, i still jump and pull away when anyone touches me, not just sexually.
cofluey- surviving the surviving is wicked hard work. one day you will feel different, not like everything is all better, but def different. takes a very long time and a lot of hard work. trust is nearly impossible and anger is beyond description but i believe it is possible to find some kind of peace.
best of luck to both of you and please feel free to PM me anytime if there's anything i can do.
-izzy
cofluey- surviving the surviving is wicked hard work. one day you will feel different, not like everything is all better, but def different. takes a very long time and a lot of hard work. trust is nearly impossible and anger is beyond description but i believe it is possible to find some kind of peace.
best of luck to both of you and please feel free to PM me anytime if there's anything i can do.
-izzy
Z Y G G Y
Bluelighter
zephyr - ur story made me tear up. I always see u as an awesome person on here, one of the strongest and most interesting personas.
I have been sexually, verbally and physically abused up until the age of 15 when I started fighting back. I always say I'm a product of my environment and genetics. My father I think was a psychopath. He already left 3 kids with 3 different women after like 2-4 years cuz he didn't feel like sticking around. I met my half sibling of 7 years old (I'm 27 now) a few years back. Breaks my heart, as she longs for him so much and he is just so cruel. I worry I got some of his genetics and am glad my mom is a great person so it might offset the bad.
I had therapy for all this and try not to think about it. I'm sure it had tons of damage on me. The sexual abuse was horrible, at 13, at the most vulnerable time of my life, by my stepfather that I just met as I moved to the US from Europe at that age. I could probably write a book about how much abuse I endured during those 15 years. I had visible physicals scars.
I often think about how not fair it is that this abuse was done to me or others. I always want to forget using drugs. I'm trying to accept myself as I am. Life is hard enough as it is. When this abuse is done to us it puts as at a disadvantage I feel, because it is us who need to take the time to heal. Time that can be used to enjoy life, not cry alone. These scars are a lifetime thing. They will always be with me. It has been almost 12 years since I endured any abuse and it is still effecting me.
I hope it will get easier with time. I still have flashbacks and my constant physical pain may be due partially to the abuse. But I only got one life to live, as cliche as it sounds, and only got this one damaged body. I'm trying to make the best of it. I wish this stuff was never done to me, but I also feel like it gave me a better understanding of suffering and compassion that I might have not had if I didn't have to deal with these issues.
I have been sexually, verbally and physically abused up until the age of 15 when I started fighting back. I always say I'm a product of my environment and genetics. My father I think was a psychopath. He already left 3 kids with 3 different women after like 2-4 years cuz he didn't feel like sticking around. I met my half sibling of 7 years old (I'm 27 now) a few years back. Breaks my heart, as she longs for him so much and he is just so cruel. I worry I got some of his genetics and am glad my mom is a great person so it might offset the bad.
I had therapy for all this and try not to think about it. I'm sure it had tons of damage on me. The sexual abuse was horrible, at 13, at the most vulnerable time of my life, by my stepfather that I just met as I moved to the US from Europe at that age. I could probably write a book about how much abuse I endured during those 15 years. I had visible physicals scars.
I often think about how not fair it is that this abuse was done to me or others. I always want to forget using drugs. I'm trying to accept myself as I am. Life is hard enough as it is. When this abuse is done to us it puts as at a disadvantage I feel, because it is us who need to take the time to heal. Time that can be used to enjoy life, not cry alone. These scars are a lifetime thing. They will always be with me. It has been almost 12 years since I endured any abuse and it is still effecting me.
I hope it will get easier with time. I still have flashbacks and my constant physical pain may be due partially to the abuse. But I only got one life to live, as cliche as it sounds, and only got this one damaged body. I'm trying to make the best of it. I wish this stuff was never done to me, but I also feel like it gave me a better understanding of suffering and compassion that I might have not had if I didn't have to deal with these issues.
Alot of these story's are very inspiring, Horrific and unbelievable how you can cope, I really want to grab the lot of you drag you to a pub and buy you drinks and give snuggles 
Alot of these stories have gave me shakes slightly split my tea down me, Ha
I wish you guys all the best, Keep strong
Alot of these stories have gave me shakes slightly split my tea down me, Ha I wish you guys all the best, Keep strong
skillz~4~thrillz
Bluelighter
Thank u fro this thread-everytime i talk about it,it gets so much better
At 22 I live in Asheville,NC-my friend nicole invite 2 of her guy friends.she ha to go to work and the guys asked if they could stay.I sai yes bc it is hard 4 m4 to say no.we were having fun-getting drunk.they showed NO INTEREST in me until they found out I was gay.the y slipped me something and i went down-they took pics of me vomiting on myself while the fucked me w Popsicle.i said i needed to puke in bathroom so they let me go but i went to my room-no lock-they followed.most of it is blurry til one of them penetrated me and i cane to enuf to to rip out his nipple ring.they weren't happy but let me be.I clumsily barricaded the door-which they got thru and tried again.i told them earlier was ok-i just didn't want to do it again.they stayed a while,scaring the shit ooy of me-throwing knives at my dogs(missing them thank the universe.I had called my gf who was in DC working and when she called back i was telling them goodbye-they even asked for a hug which i gave bc i was terrified.BUT...they left the camera ans as a photographer i had no qualms about smashing the shit out of it.The next day one of then showed up w a full bottle of liquor to replace the one we drank.i was in bathroom taking another shower-when i opened the door in my rob Dave said "hey kerri.what's up"i did not answer.i went to the kitchen and grabbed many beers and hid in nicole's room bc i clnt be in my own.on way past then nic asked is i seen a camera anywhere."nope" was all i said.he got the picture and left.took me days to tell nic and she was my best friend.5 years later after being in therapy for 3 years(&back in my home town-I broke down an told Jill(my shrink) EVERY DETAIL.It was torture and yet a great release.I slept on a couch fully clothed for about 8 year.took time to be able to sleep in my bedroom-a totally different bedroom-even w my hot ass gf.i wold go in for sex ot until she fell asleep and back to couch fully closed.They raped me bc i wasn't attracted to them.but they got theirs-one was arrested for rape of a minor and the other made the mistake of walking into the bar i ran and my dude friend(and these r BIG dudes chased him down for some street justice)they did not kill him bu they fucked him up and told him they would have their eyes on him,they came back w traces of blood and assured me he would never hurt me again.they gave me a big group hug-told me they loved me and ALWAYS had my back-and they always did.I cried so hard and they held me until i finished.i miss those guys and Asheville,but part of me is scared to return.
to all of you who shared,you have done a brave thing!Be proud of yourselves...I am.
much peace~N~love....................skillz
At 22 I live in Asheville,NC-my friend nicole invite 2 of her guy friends.she ha to go to work and the guys asked if they could stay.I sai yes bc it is hard 4 m4 to say no.we were having fun-getting drunk.they showed NO INTEREST in me until they found out I was gay.the y slipped me something and i went down-they took pics of me vomiting on myself while the fucked me w Popsicle.i said i needed to puke in bathroom so they let me go but i went to my room-no lock-they followed.most of it is blurry til one of them penetrated me and i cane to enuf to to rip out his nipple ring.they weren't happy but let me be.I clumsily barricaded the door-which they got thru and tried again.i told them earlier was ok-i just didn't want to do it again.they stayed a while,scaring the shit ooy of me-throwing knives at my dogs(missing them thank the universe.I had called my gf who was in DC working and when she called back i was telling them goodbye-they even asked for a hug which i gave bc i was terrified.BUT...they left the camera ans as a photographer i had no qualms about smashing the shit out of it.The next day one of then showed up w a full bottle of liquor to replace the one we drank.i was in bathroom taking another shower-when i opened the door in my rob Dave said "hey kerri.what's up"i did not answer.i went to the kitchen and grabbed many beers and hid in nicole's room bc i clnt be in my own.on way past then nic asked is i seen a camera anywhere."nope" was all i said.he got the picture and left.took me days to tell nic and she was my best friend.5 years later after being in therapy for 3 years(&back in my home town-I broke down an told Jill(my shrink) EVERY DETAIL.It was torture and yet a great release.I slept on a couch fully clothed for about 8 year.took time to be able to sleep in my bedroom-a totally different bedroom-even w my hot ass gf.i wold go in for sex ot until she fell asleep and back to couch fully closed.They raped me bc i wasn't attracted to them.but they got theirs-one was arrested for rape of a minor and the other made the mistake of walking into the bar i ran and my dude friend(and these r BIG dudes chased him down for some street justice)they did not kill him bu they fucked him up and told him they would have their eyes on him,they came back w traces of blood and assured me he would never hurt me again.they gave me a big group hug-told me they loved me and ALWAYS had my back-and they always did.I cried so hard and they held me until i finished.i miss those guys and Asheville,but part of me is scared to return.
to all of you who shared,you have done a brave thing!Be proud of yourselves...I am.
much peace~N~love....................skillz
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