Heroin/Opioid Thread - Serious Discussion Only

[theartofwar]

^ how long did you find the PAWS lasted ? I cannot even think of a life w/out drugs - to me they are as much a part of me as my soul is. I am glad you've managed 6 months without your drug of choice. That's the problem for me, it's my DRUG OF CHOICE! The choice to use other drugs is fun and all, but honestly I have horrible depression/even violent tendencies thinking of life without using OCs again at some point.

 

[eon_blue]

For me, the PAWS lasted a good 3 months after the initial 2 weeks of physical withdrawal (I tapered off using Suboxone, then ran out of those and had to detox off of them. Not fun at all.)

The biggest PAWS symptom for me was anxiety. I'm an anxious person on a normal day, when I'm in withdrawal or experiencing PAWS it's 10 times worse. I had to give a speech in class one day a few months ago and practically broke down in front of my class, I was so nervous. It was fucking humiliating. That definitely made me want to use, lol.

But it's been better in the last 2-3 months. Other extenuating circumstances have helped, I've got a new girlfriend I'm in love with and am in school full-time for photography, something I'm passionate about. I've established a couple close friendships, which definitely helps.

After my first time getting clean, I spent those 9 months before my relapse doing the AA thing, not going to school, and having next to no friends while dating a girl that didn't trust me at all. It was a recipe for disaster, which is pretty much what happened.

I dunno man, opiates (esp. IV heroin) are my DOC for sure, but I really haven't been craving them at all. I'm not naive enough to say that it'll be that way forever, because I know it'll haunt me for as long as I live, but it's nice to be able to tell myself that I've got too many important things going for me in life right now to risk throwing them all away again. Had to learn that the hard way though more than once, which is the shitty part. Definitely had my fair share of the seventh circle of hell, which I think is something we all have to go through before it finally starts to sink in that maybe risking it all for dope isn't worth it.

At least that's how it's been for me so far

 

[theartofwar]

For me, the PAWS lasted a good 3 months after the initial 2 weeks of physical withdrawal (I tapered off using Suboxone, then ran out of those and had to detox off of them. Not fun at all.)

The biggest PAWS symptom for me was anxiety. I'm an anxious person on a normal day, when I'm in withdrawal or experiencing PAWS it's 10 times worse. I had to give a speech in class one day a few months ago and practically broke down in front of my class, I was so nervous. It was fucking humiliating. That definitely made me want to use, lol.

But it's been better in the last 2-3 months. Other extenuating circumstances have helped, I've got a new girlfriend I'm in love with and am in school full-time for photography, something I'm passionate about. I've established a couple close friendships, which definitely helps.

After my first time getting clean, I spent those 9 months before my relapse doing the AA thing, not going to school, and having next to no friends while dating a girl that didn't trust me at all. It was a recipe for disaster, which is pretty much what happened.

I dunno man, opiates (esp. IV heroin) are my DOC for sure, but I really haven't been craving them at all. I'm not naive enough to say that it'll be that way forever, because I know it'll haunt me for as long as I live, but it's nice to be able to tell myself that I've got too many important things going for me in life right now to risk throwing them all away again. Had to learn that the hard way though more than once, which is the shitty part. Definitely had my fair share of the seventh circle of hell, which I think is something we all have to go through before it finally starts to sink in that maybe risking it all for dope isn't worth it.

At least that's how it's been for me so far

tell me about the PAWS bro - fucking methadone w/d's are laughable they make me go so insane it feels. Same story you just said is the truth, it's the boredom that kills us in the end - and the fact you have a life you LIKE is awesome. I am so fucking tired of life in general which never puts you in a great mind set to stay away from drugs lol! As for the 7th gate, well let's just say I hope I don't go thru the 9th again

 

[cire113]

I fucking give up trying to quit i just accept the fact im a fucking junky for life and will either be on methadone or suboxone forever

i would rather die than face the pain of soberiety


its how i feel sorry for being honest...

pathetic i know

 

[theartofwar]

I fucking give up trying to quit i just accept the fact im a fucking junky for life and will either be on methadone or suboxone forever

i would rather die than face the pain of soberiety


its how i feel sorry for being honest...

pathetic i know

I feel like I am right there with you bro. I don't see why being honest is ever a bad thing here, that's why I continue to post - I have enough problems in life - having a place where people can come together and be open and honest is a god send for me.

 

[ellessdee]

My life is being overrun by oc's it seems...they (opiates) have taught my brain, soul and consciousness to behave a certain way that I do not believe can be untaught. My friend the other night asked me, 'why can't you just derive positive energy and happiness from somewhere else in your mind to just quit?' She doesn't understand....at all. Opiates are my positive energy now. It's not mind over matter, it's opiates over mind.

 

[Hendrix Haze15]

tell me about the PAWS bro - fucking methadone w/d's are laughable they make me go so insane it feels. Same story you just said is the truth, it's the boredom that kills us in the end - and the fact you have a life you LIKE is awesome. I am so fucking tired of life in general which never puts you in a great mind set to stay away from drugs lol! As for the 7th gate, well let's just say I hope I don't go thru the 9th again

Man you said it. The mind numbing boredom and loneliness and general shitty-ness of life keeps me going back to the dope time and time again, even now when I'm on suboxone.

 

[shoolameet]

I am not really sure if this is the right place for this, so if it needs to be moved or deleted let me know.
Lately I have kinda developed a bit of a bad oxy habit- I have been snorting about 30mg-60mg a day for about 2 weeks. This is the first time I have ever abused opiates. I have also been taking a lot of dxm before my doses. Is the dxm going to help me not have bad withdrawals or is it going to be hell when I stop?
When I started I was only dosing once a day and now I am dosing 2-3 times a day. I keep telling myself "today is the last day I am going to use," but then tomorrow comes and I crave it so badly and end up using. I don't even really know if I want to stop or not, which really scares me.

so a little update on this situation -
I ended running out of my oxy stash and my supplier was dry and therefore was forced to stop using for a couple of days. I had benzos on hand to help me sleep and with the anxiety/depression. They worked great for the helping me sleep part, which was a nice way to temporarily escape the anxiety/depression, but while I was awake I felt like I was going insane. I was pacing around my house and not able to sit still, crying for no reason, unable to even get out of bed at some points in the day because of how depressed I was.
After a couple of days, I managed to find some oxy (but I had to drive really far for it) so now I have something to keep me sane for the next couple of days, but I know doing this is only going to make my situation worse when I run out again.
I feel like my habit isn't big/bad enough to really require subutex, but I have heard that stuff helps a lot with the cravings, which is my biggest problem right now. I hate myself so much for not wanting to stop.

 

[-Guido-]

I fucking give up trying to quit i just accept the fact im a fucking junky for life and will either be on methadone or suboxone forever

i would rather die than face the pain of soberiety


its how i feel sorry for being honest...

pathetic i know

I feel the same way right now bro. I tried Suboxone. My docotor tapered me off after a month and I went right back to the dope. I'm thinking about going on Methadone...

The other night when I was high I was thinking... I been chasing that opiate high since I was a kid. I was sick when I was younger and unbeknown to me, I was given hydrocodone. I remember laying in bed and for the first time feeling good, I was young and innocent, so I did not know it was a drug. All I rememember was feeling warm, safe, and and peace for the first time ever in my life. I actually thought it was the Nyquil that made me feel that way and for years I would pop Nyquil trying to replicate that feeling. Years later, when i get into drugs, I end up popping a few Vicodins and that feeling comes back and I realize what it was, that high I was chasing comes back.

Month later I'm shooting heroin. As much pain as the heroin has caused me I cry over the joys it has brought me and the fact I would not be who I am today, nor would I have this one girl in my life without the drug.

I have come to terms with the fact I am going to be an addict for the rest of my life. I have even come to terms that it might kill me... Few nights ago I was with some friends and did a massive shot of dope combined with coke and hydromorphone. It felt like my heart was going to stop as I grabbed the wall and this wave of euphoria swept over me. After the initial rush, I could barely feel my heart beat and I wanted to take a nap but I was at peace. I texted my girl that I loved her and that was that. I was ready to die and had no qualms about it.

Last night I drove to Queens with my friend to his brothers apartment. Both of us were sick shit... We knock on the door, his brother answers with a cigarette in his mouth, into the apartment we go. Such a sight for sore eyes... Spoon on the table, fresh rigs, and countless bags of dope. We all fix up. Everything feels great again. We end up walking around Manhatten all night, riding the subway... It was magic. Not only is the drug hard to let go of, but the lifestyle as well...

Sometime I don't know what the future holds for me...

 

[-Guido-]

I felt like shit a little while ago... About 100mgs later of Tramadol, 1mg of Xanax and a few shots of Gin and I got my head on clear. It's bittersweet. I really don't know where I went wrong in life but recently... I dunno. I have reached the point where I can't function without drugs and deal with sobriety. Even as a kid, I remember that empty feeling, sitting on a tree while wind blew. Ignorance was such bliss back then, I didn't know what depression was, I just knew that I felt empty.

People say the drugs are to blame and even for a while I blamed the drugs, there was a time I even blamed the world... Nah, it was never the drugs or the world, it was me.

 

[panic in paradise]

"Even as a kid, I remember that empty feeling, sitting on a tree while wind blew. Ignorance was such bliss back then, I didn't know what depression was, I just knew that I felt empty."
- guido

i made a thread about nature, the connections we have with it, and the therapeutic values we draw from it. my house is surrounded by enormous evergreens, river birch, poplars and all sorts of fruit trees, but the beach birch and ever greens were being tossed around; i watch and listen to them all the time, they sound and almost look like giant waves. you could probably climb up 75' easily, the branches are fucking strong and are like a mess of ladders and sitting spots . in the forests you can climb from tree to tree.

i told my wife i want to be buried in a tree, but she refused.

 

[-Guido-]

There is this place on the mountains near me where I want my remains to lie... It's surrounded by white stones and blueberry bushes and dwarf pines. Its so peaceful. Its like Elysium.

 

[Miss Hollywood]

I feel the same way right now bro. I tried Suboxone. My docotor tapered me off after a month and I went right back to the dope. I'm thinking about going on Methadone...

The other night when I was high I was thinking... I been chasing that opiate high since I was a kid. I was sick when I was younger and unbeknown to me, I was given hydrocodone. I remember laying in bed and for the first time feeling good, I was young and innocent, so I did not know it was a drug. All I rememember was feeling warm, safe, and and peace for the first time ever in my life. I actually thought it was the Nyquil that made me feel that way and for years I would pop Nyquil trying to replicate that feeling. Years later, when i get into drugs, I end up popping a few Vicodins and that feeling comes back and I realize what it was, that high I was chasing comes back.

Month later I'm shooting heroin. As much pain as the heroin has caused me I cry over the joys it has brought me and the fact I would not be who I am today, nor would I have this one girl in my life without the drug.

I have come to terms with the fact I am going to be an addict for the rest of my life. I have even come to terms that it might kill me... Few nights ago I was with some friends and did a massive shot of dope combined with coke and hydromorphone. It felt like my heart was going to stop as I grabbed the wall and this wave of euphoria swept over me. After the initial rush, I could barely feel my heart beat and I wanted to take a nap but I was at peace. I texted my girl that I loved her and that was that. I was ready to die and had no qualms about it.

Last night I drove to Queens with my friend to his brothers apartment. Both of us were sick shit... We knock on the door, his brother answers with a cigarette in his mouth, into the apartment we go. Such a sight for sore eyes... Spoon on the table, fresh rigs, and countless bags of dope. We all fix up. Everything feels great again. We end up walking around Manhatten all night, riding the subway... It was magic. Not only is the drug hard to let go of, but the lifestyle as well...

Sometime I don't know what the future holds for me...

I'm right there with ya man!

I've been on Suboxone for about 10 months now and I too have used quite a few times since starting on it.It's frustrating.The lifestyle is just as addicting as the drug...thats for damn sure.I miss goin on a date and havin a couple hundred dollars afterwards to spend on dope,cigarettes,and to put gas in my car.

I miss the needle the most.When I would fix it was almost like a form of meditation for me...I just really zone out and finally feel some sense of calm.If that makes any sense lol

And for anybody on the board that read my last post on this thread about my birthday...I got a gram for my birthday,did that and had my fun.My best friend's boyfriend has Fentanyl patches prescribed to him for his back so we were able to con a patch outta him and split it,we sucked all the medicine off of them and that was a nice lil buzz!lol But here I am on Monday and I have not gone and scored anymore dope!

Hell,I'm broke as a joke and don't have money to score even if I wanted to.It was a special occasion that I even had money(my birthday)because usually I NEVER have money because I can't find a fuckin job cuz this economy sucks a fat one!

Anyways,hang in there fellow junkies...I know it's a bumpy road traveled...

 

[ollieideal]

I've been on h for 12 yrs, I've been clean a few times even for a yr once, however of late I've given u[p on life.
I just stay at home, I take methadone and use once a fortnight. I dont kow if I'm depressed or not but prior to this period of incareceration I was doing a tinth of h a day, recently I've given up a 5 yr benzo habit,stupidly I just stopped I wnt from 30 ml to nothing.
I thoughty I didnt have a habit as I wouldnt do the benzos every day they were daily pick up from chemist, I was scripted 30 a day, so I'd save them up, do em every 4 or 6 days. So when I stopped I thought I wasnt hooked. But I got so ill n so bad detoxing that I couldnt go out n fix myself. Since being off the benzo's I kept on using smack, and used valium twice (I been off benzo's now 2 -3n half months) I used 250 5m moggies over 3 days once since given benzo's up.
I have become reclusive almost agrophobic,full of anxiety.
I decided to stop using gear cos it's been getting harder and harder to sustain my habit and with the anxiety I am not willing to go to the lengths I used to to keep my habit,thus I've isolated myself from my using pals and my means of keeping my habit, this is beneficial to my anxiety . My drug worker whom I c fortnightly has noticed a marked improvement,when I think of using I'm not that bothered it would be ok but as I'm on 100ml of meth it's not really worth usin spesh now as I'm more or less stable,I used last thurs and fri when I bought a tinth.It was o.k but hohum...
The problem is now I'm sad from being isolated but i've had to get away from using pals,I fear I'm in a deep depression.I wanna get smashed on other drugs, but not really,really i wanna get mash up on benzo's. Also i feel guilty about hiding out like this I feel lazy I feel ashamed and iI feel I have lived my life and that I'm waiting to die not that I'm suicidal.Literally just got nothing to do just waiting to end. I feel like an old soul and I've garnered all that one is suppose to from this lifetime.Confused

 

[-Guido-]

feel like an old soul and I've garnered all that one is suppose to from this lifetime.Confused

I feel like that everyday...

 

[indelibleface]

Well, here I am again. Day one of tramadol withdrawal.

This time I'm completely through with this stuff. I guess that's what everyone says around this time--it's certainly what I said last time. Maybe this time I can relate my first addiction experience to this second, hopefully last one, and finally realize how inadequate of an antidepressant it really is.

I met up with some of my old Bluelight friends in LA recently, and told them I was taking it again. They're all non-judgemental types (I think one person's reply was actually "Heh. Cool!"), but still, the mere act of actually revealing it to someone other than myself really hit home for some reason. Suddenly, again, it wasn't a medication. It wasn't an antidepressant. It wasn't therapy. It was just a dirty addiction.

But what really made me stop was the fact that the company I order for (a company that many Bluelighters have used in the past and probably still use) possibly sold or used my credit card information without my consent. They are the only people I have ever ordered from online (I don't ever shop online for anything else), and it is the only way my information could have been given away. That said, I checked my bank account recently and to my surprise, over $200 worth of purchases have been made.

I've only been on the tramadol this time for three months, so I said to hell with it, this is not worth getting my credit card information stolen again. With only a small quantity of pills left, I did the best taper I could in a week and now I'm done. I went from 400mg a day to nothing in the space of week, and yeah, I feel like garbage.

I know many BLers might be using this website--I know it's taboo to reveal sources, having been a mod here before, but I want to make sure it's okay with the mods here in DS to let people know via PM if they ask. I don't think this website is safe anymore, and I don't want others to lose money.

Anyway, again, day one, and I have classes today I can't miss.

Such is life! I'm going to beat this one way or another. I'll feel better in a week.

But a week from now isn't now. I wish my brain could time travel...

 

[theartofwar]

Well, here I am again. Day one of tramadol withdrawal.

This time I'm completely through with this stuff. I guess that's what everyone says around this time--it's certainly what I said last time. Maybe this time I can relate my first addiction experience to this second, hopefully last one, and finally realize how inadequate of an antidepressant it really is.

I met up with some of my old Bluelight friends in LA recently, and told them I was taking it again. They're all non-judgemental types (I think one person's reply was actually "Heh. Cool!"), but still, the mere act of actually revealing it to someone other than myself really hit home for some reason. Suddenly, again, it wasn't a medication. It wasn't an antidepressant. It wasn't therapy. It was just a dirty addiction.

But what really made me stop was the fact that the company I order for (a company that many Bluelighters have used in the past and probably still use) possibly sold or used my credit card information without my consent. They are the only people I have ever ordered from online (I don't ever shop online for anything else), and it is the only way my information could have been given away. That said, I checked my bank account recently and to my surprise, over $200 worth of purchases have been made.

I've only been on the tramadol this time for three months, so I said to hell with it, this is not worth getting my credit card information stolen again. With only a small quantity of pills left, I did the best taper I could in a week and now I'm done. I went from 400mg a day to nothing in the space of week, and yeah, I feel like garbage.

I know many BLers might be using this website--I know it's taboo to reveal sources, having been a mod here before, but I want to make sure it's okay with the mods here in DS to let people know via PM if they ask. I don't think this website is safe anymore, and I don't want others to lose money.

Anyway, again, day one, and I have classes today I can't miss.

Such is life! I'm going to beat this one way or another. I'll feel better in a week.

But a week from now isn't now. I wish my brain could time travel...

wow - that really sucks, I'm sorry to hear about your luck . As for time travel, please tell me if you ever find out how !!!!

 

[ratgirldjh]

tell me about the PAWS bro - fucking methadone w/d's are laughable they make me go so insane it feels

i agree - i have withdrawn from H several times and other than being very bored at not having to hustle or look for drugs and not knowing what to do with myself with all this free time and money LOL it was much easier than methadone which w/d from lasted about 2 months and i still have fond memories of the methadone clinic and it has been over 7 years now!

also i still miss my H dealer and his family i guess because i spent so much time with them and they were such a big part of my life for so many years; hell, i used to eat christmas and thanksgiving dinner with them!!!

 

[theartofwar]

i agree - i have withdrawn from H several times and other than being very bored at not having to hustle or look for drugs and not knowing what to do with myself with all this free time and money LOL it was much easier than methadone which w/d from lasted about 2 months and i still have fond memories of the methadone clinic and it has been over 7 years now!

also i still miss my H dealer and his family i guess because i spent so much time with them and they were such a big part of my life for so many years; hell, i used to eat christmas and thanksgiving dinner with them!!!

staying busy while w/d on methadone is damn hard, I feel you. It's so true, the lifestyle the nights the hustle, it's all part of the deal, I glorified it to myself in the beginning, in the end it destroyed me. And i still want to taste it 24/7 - that's part of the game.

 

[Kanga]

so a little update on this situation -
I ended running out of my oxy stash and my supplier was dry and therefore was forced to stop using for a couple of days. I had benzos on hand to help me sleep and with the anxiety/depression. They worked great for the helping me sleep part, which was a nice way to temporarily escape the anxiety/depression, but while I was awake I felt like I was going insane. I was pacing around my house and not able to sit still, crying for no reason, unable to even get out of bed at some points in the day because of how depressed I was.
After a couple of days, I managed to find some oxy (but I had to drive really far for it) so now I have something to keep me sane for the next couple of days, but I know doing this is only going to make my situation worse when I run out again.
I feel like my habit isn't big/bad enough to really require subutex, but I have heard that stuff helps a lot with the cravings, which is my biggest problem right now. I hate myself so much for not wanting to stop.

Just did this same exact thing a few days ago, and this post describes it to a T. How many mg you at a day?
Paycheck comes tomorrow... come on come on come on....


Also, Guido I didn't know you fucked with H, respect.