yeah but does low-dose buprenorphine kill panic attacks like 2mgs of clonazepam + .5 of alprazolam? i highly dout it. i cant even enjoy hydrocodone anymore unless i mix in some clonazepam to kill the anxiety i recently started getting when using hydrocodone.
but despite that. with my mind set i'd hate to see what would happen to me if i got a monthly opiate script. i think i have better self control with benzos...well most of the time.
Benzo addiction is horrible...
After being through many addictions:
Weed 13 to 14 and then from 16 to 20 years old,
Methamphetamine from 14 to 19 but did it a few times after that,
Alcohol at the age of 17, everyday for almost a year now just occasionally
I did heroin 5-7 times at 15 and don't ask me how but i never got addicted
I've been smoking sigarettes since the age of 12 and never stopped
I tried cocaine for the first time at 16 and i thought it was a joke even though i took a lot of it, i even tried injecting it but it was a silly stimulant to me after all the meth (and occasionally MDMA) i took.
Throughout theese years i've always felt a deep sorrow, depression, anxiety, fear and desperation for some reasons that i dont know and for some reasons that i dont want to talk about because they are just ..........'Incredible'(it has a lot to do with my family).
I've always kept everything to myself and never seeked professional help even if i would talk with a few close friends about my problems, however i always believed that a true relationship and true love would solve my pain and my sorrow. Plain sex, no matter how good it was and with how many girls i did it wasn't enough to feel good about my existence so i only got into a relationship only when it was emotionally worth it.
There have ben about 4 big love stories in my life which helped me a LOT and the last ones should have been the best ones but my inability to feel and to desire got stronger till i went completely insane because i couldn't reconize myself as a human anymore. i went into deep psychosis trying to find a reason to my condition. There wasnt a single thing that would interest me or please me anymore. I decided to seek professional help. I've seen unbelievable numbers of psychologists and psychiatrists and tried massive types of antidepressants, SSRis, SSDRis, mood stabilizers, mild stimulants, many tranquillizers and benzodiazepines.
At some point i just 'flipped' and i suddenly stopped going to any psychologist/iatrist and also stopped any pharmacological treatment.
I did benzoz many times for fun before and enjoyed them a lot because they where really effective in suppressing my anxiety and give me the opportunity to pretend to feel good about myself by doing whatever came to my mind regardless of what anyone would say or think.
I knew how to fake prescriptions so i self prescribed yself with the best benzo i knew, Clonazepam.
Here in Italy its sold under the name 'Rivotril' which comes also in liquid form (2,5mg per ml, 10 drops=1ml) for oral absumption. I started with 30-40 drops twice a day along with alcohol, actually i would dissolve the drops in my beer, wine rhum or whatever i was drinking. tollerance built up really fast and after a couple of weeks i would take 100-150 drops twice a day.
In my folishness and unresponsability i decided to start injecting it even if it wasn't meant for intrvenous absumption.
5ml (12,5 mg) in the late afternoon and then lots of alcohol with occasional opioid use (oxycodone, hydrocodone, tramadol mostly).
The tollerance kept getting stronger and when i go to the point that i was injecting 10ml (25mg) twice a day (so 50mg per day) without feeling the same sedating anxiolitic effect as i used to i somehow decided to stop immediately cuz it became pointless and seriously life-threatning. Had few symptoms of benzo withdrawal but my memory and my concentration took a long time to improve back almost to when i wasnt taking benzos nor opioids.
its been 6 months that i stopped but i did it again twice, 25mg IV and saw that my tollerance was still almost as high as before.
Now when i think back to it and take a look at my mutilated arms.....am even more speechles than before.
From my experience....all i can say is that there's nothing more powerful to treat depression than yourself, your willpower , your confidence , your honesty and the will to love and be loved.